Mataas ang standards

[amethyst028]

 

[preciosa]

Hi again sis, napa imagine naman ako dun sa looks na nidescribed mo haha i'm sure very pretty ka... 
It seems na maxado ikaw affected sa friend mong iyon, masasabi mo bang frienemies na kayo niyan...? Hehe joke lang ha... Ang opinion ko siguro huwag ka na lang maxado maging affected sakanya kungdi just be more open about it and discuss na lang to her kung bakit sa tingin niya mataas ang standards mo in choosing your partner... Since friends naman kayo maging mas open ka na lang siguro sa kanya para hindi siya basta basta comment na lang ng comment tapos hindi siya aware na ganyan ka ka sensitive sa mga opinions niya... I share ko lang ha, kasi kami mga friends ko open kami maxado sa isa't isa so que unsolicited or hindi, talagang open kami mag advice sa isa't isa kahit pangit or magandang advice pa yan... Pro shempre alam din namin limitations namin...  Kung palaging ganyan kasi sis na lagi ka may nakatago na inis sa kanya baka mauwi sa samaan pa ng loob... Uy sis wag mo masamain ang opinion ko ha... sana mas maging matatag pa kayo sayang din kasi ang pinagsamahan nyo, sabi mo matagal na kayo friends diba...? Ganyan naba talaga siya noon pa...?

[glamorosa_09]

Sabi nga, make your eyes wide open when looking for a partner, and make it half-shut when you're already married.

Go, and be meticulous in choosing a lifetime partner. But after getting married, you will still discover character flaws. The same goes for him because you aren't perfect. So yeah, I agree with the movie you mentioned.

Tama ka in choosing wisely. In fact yung iba, mas meticulous pa when choosing for that perfect pair of shoes kesa sa pagpili ng taong makakasama nila habang buhay. One prominent life coach and counselor said, "Kaya maraming problemang mag-asawa, dahil maraming tangang nag-asawa." Alam mo na ngang manloloko or addict, pinakasalan mo pa.

I suggest, you make a list of the qualities you want for a future husband. Categorize it between negotiable (preferences) and non-negotiables (essentials). But evaluate too the qualities you want lalo na yung essentials, baka masyadong superficial, qualities na hindi naman makaka-contribute sa relationship ninyo.

Essentials like financially stable/literate, God-fearing, strong family values, walang bisyo. These are the things that will make an impact in your relationship as a whole. Yung artistahin, 6 footer, bmw ang sasakyan (examples lang), baka pwede mo nang ilagay sa negotiables.

Tama maging mapili ka. Pero icheck mo rin, baka yung qualities na gusto mo hindi naman ganun ka importante in the long run.

[smoothie]

Nasabi na sis glamorosa.... dagdag lang ako. Okay lang naman kasi mahirap din na kung magkatuluyan kayo
then yung standard of living mo bumaba. Baka mahirapan kang mag adjust and in the long run you will just resent your partner.

[mslcgrey]

i super agree with sis glamorosa. there is nothing wrong with being choosy as long as reasonable yung mga hinahanap mo na traits for your future partner. have a list of what you really want especially the traits that will make your relationship work like being responsible, God-fearing, etc.
i also have a friend na medyo may pagka-choosy. but in her case, parang naging choosy siya kasi she always compare the guys she met sa isang unrequited love niya. eh parang ang hirap ng ganun, imposible naman na makahanap ka ng exactly the same as that guy. by the way, sa ngayon , mukhang impossible na magiging sila nung unrequited love niya kahit they have a constant communication naman. she is in canada while he is in japan. so di ba, buong pacific ocean ang nasa gitna nila.
mas ok ng maging choosy but ayun be open lang. sometimes yung akala natin na kailangan natin eh hindi pala iyon. in my case, akala ko i should be someone older than me para mapantayan ang maturity level. yet here i am with a guy na younger, 1 year lang naman. oo, minsan i find him immature but he also kept my outlook in life young. i can be silly not hindi ko magawa dati with older guys.
so ayun, be open lang to possibilities....

[patchi2012]

hi sis amethyst,  re dun sa question mo na, if i have a chance na makapili ulit, of course i still choose my hubby.

just like sis glamorosa said na try mo e list yung mga qualities na gusto mo in a guy, nagawa ko yan before, after a hurtful break up with an ex due to infidelity, hindi ako nasaktan dahil pinagpalit ako, kundi dahil bestfriend kami talaga turned couple, he's not that good looking but nahulog loob ko since bff nga kami. Teenage love kumbaga, ang mas masakit kase pinagpalit ako sa pangit.lol. Dun ko na realize na do i deserved ba talaga yung ganun? ke pangit na nga, mambabae pa. Siguro immature pako nun, cempre college days, tumagal kami ng 9yrs. everybody thought na kami na talaga. Well everything happens for a reason nga naman, really God takes away the trash in our life and give it to someone whom it deserve.

After sa nangyari, i work overseas, naging choosy ako, coz yung goal ko is i deserve someone much better than my ex, parang sweet revenge na din. Mind you mahilig pa akong mangutya, (sa isip ko lang ha, lol) whenever i sense na yung guy starts to court me. though some friends told me na, na turn off na daw yung iba coz i'm too much maldita, pag wala kase sa list ko X na sila.

Then my granny got hospitalized due to viral infection, while andun ako sa hospital, i offered my seat sa isang korean granny, she's in her 80's and married for 60yrs. The last thing i could think of is nag uusap na kami, from her barok english, she assume daw na still single ako kase i'm not wearing any ring. Then she told me some advice re marriage and re sa pagpili ng guy. at eto lang sinabi nya:
1. choose the man with a big heart  (she tried to explain na yung guy should be lovable daw sa yo, ni di ka sasaktan )

2. A man with money in his pocket (financially stable)
3. a man that fears the Lord

Sabi nya, when your man have this, he's the marrying one. Well siguro tadhana nga naman, few days after a cousin introduce me to this guy. Hindi lang yung 3 na yun above meron sya, mas nahigitan nya kung ano man yung expectation ko, oo nga di sya katangkaran just like na nasa list ko, lol, like ko kase a bit matangkad sana , pero binigay nga naman na kung ano lang yung bagay for me, since di naman ako ganun ka tangkad din. And the rest of the story is we got married last year. And family and friends both agree that we're really bagay.

Just normal na maging choosy, but minsan try mo din ma get to know yung guy, give a chance, malay mo, dun mo ma discover ang totoong sya.

[chicafabulosa]

I will choose my hubby of course...

It is normal to be meticulous when it comes in choosing your lifetime partner. It is your right because at the end of the day ikaw ang makikisama and hindi sila. But of course set your goals na realistic naman.
Like what my hubby said once sa isang acquaintance ko during a dinner, di naman ganun kaganda si friend pero super high ng standards nya. Like physically parang anghel na yata ang dinidescribe nya, kailangan rich and naka BMW or any european car daw.. And my hubby just asked her this, with all the qualities youve mentioned, how are you this guy you described will like you?  Gusto mo naka BMW ang tanong gusto ka bang isakay sa BMW nya...

Deadma your friend na lang. As if naman problem nya is yung pagiging single mo di ba. There are other things na dapat iconsider mo when choosing the man you will settle, 1. God fearing 2. Financially stable 3. Walang bisyo (barkada,drugs,sugal, alak at LALONG LALO MA ANG BABAE). And lastly 4. Will not turn his back on you even when everybody do. Alam mo na sa hirap at ginhawa you can rely on this person. Di lang yung kung kelan ka masaya at may pera.

The right guy will come on the right time. But once you found him, love him despite of his flaws. If you can love him kahit na hindi sya perfect, trust me youre relationship will last.

[nessy]

Me, i can say nahindi rin ako naging meticulous sa pagpili ng kasama ko sa buhay. He's not perfect, oo. Marami rin ang nagsabi noon na I deserve much better. But with all the things I've been through, isa lang ang nasa isip ko. I need a man who will stand beside me no matter what. Kasi hindi rin naman ako perfect. So when i met this man, casual lang. Never did I know that we will be together  eh. Less than a month lang nga since naging kami, we lived together na. I was 27 then and he was 34. Hindi naman sa nagmamadali ako/kami, pero i was feeling "This is it". Ewan ko pero ganon ang feeling ko. And ngayon, we're on our 3rd year together. Hindi perfect ang relationship namin pero at the end of the day, what's important is we're working things out. Lagi kami nag-uusap. Meet half way.

Re your question: it's okay to be choosy. just make sure your standards ay hindi malayo sa katotohanan. I mean, may iba kasi diyan, parang too good to be true na ang hinahanap nilang guy (I was once like that ).

Just deadma your friend sis. And maybe do a reality check na rin. Tama ang mga sisses dito. Make a list of the quality/traits na hinahanap mo. Pero alamin mo rin and take note of the things na pwede naman na wala.

Just weigh things sis sa pagpili ng makakasama sa buhay.

[chicafabulosa]

Tama wag kang pipili ng lesser achievement than you kasi in the long run magkakaron yan ng inferiority complex kung madalas nya marinig na mas higit ka sa kanya. Hayaan mo lang yang friend mo. Ikaw nga mismo di ka namomoblema na single ka eh and sa standards mo eh sya pa kaya. Ganyan lang talaga ang ibang tao... Sadyang happiness na nila makialam at mambasag ng trip hehe. Dont fret too much. As long as youre happy and youre not worried, ignore what other people will say.

[glamorosa_09]

Don't "try" to make a list, "do" make a list...  And pray for it, make the law of attraction work for you. And when you entertain a suitor or have a date, keep your scoreboard always with you, LOL!

I kept a list eh. Sa preferences ko nga, nabigay yung isa sa mga schools and professions na gusto ko eh, pati height, birth order (bunso), funny and makulit. Although mas importante yung essentials ko, which are dapat pareho kaming catholic (so ngayon we're both actively serving in our community), magandang family background (he has strong family values), clean living, good influence na friends, responsible.

But again, sabi mo nga, choose one and make it work, no matter what the challenges are.

Don't allow your friend to affect you na lang

[gt76]

To hell with the public opinion Life is too short, enjoy life to the fullest and do what you really like and choose the guy that will make you happy and not to please other people.

[sistah!]

you can, of course, have a checklist of things you want in your future husband. you can also make a list of all the things that you can offer to this person. but those are all just in paper. kahit perfect sa listahan mo, kung di mo naman feel ang chemistry, eh di wala din.

i dont know about standards because i think we are naturally inclined towards people who can understand us. this goes for friends, coworkers, people we hang out with. like you will find yourself in the company of like minds. kahit pa medyo magkakaiba kayo ng personality and backgrounds, there's usually a commonality. so if you dont find yourself hanging out with mga "panget at mahirap", malamang naman hindi talaga ganun ang makakatuluyan mo. maybe your friend was just telling you to be realistic with your standards. like sis aquacharly said, we all try to reach up, but reaching up is also different from mountain climbing.

[marose17]

I agree with the negotiable vs. non-negotiable listing of some of the sisses here.  Non-negotiable for me: Catholic, God-fearing, responsible, honest, secure with himself, family-oriented, supportive. Those are qualities to describe my husband's values.  Yes, values are non-negotiable.  Do not lower your standards when it comes to the most important things.

[chicafabulosa]

ok lang siguro maging mapili pero kung near 30s ka na try to lower your standards. hindi naman kasi na pag nakita mo na si "perfect guy" mo ay kasal agad. syempre kikilatisin mo pa yan pati ng kamag-anakan nyo, waiting for any of his flaws, and that doesn't happen overnight. minsan nga kahit more than a year mo na kasama yung tao ay di mo pa rin lubusang kilala.

ps. mahirap maghanap ng gwapo na hindi playboy. mas mahirap maghanap ng gwapo na hindi bakla. chos!

Pero sis di ba when you try to lower down your standard just because parang naghahabol ka sa age na, di ba parang desperate naman ang dating nun.  Natawa naman ako sa sinabi mo about gwapo na hindi bakla.. True ngayon either bakla sila or babaero no.. Hirap maghanap ng gwapong matino ngayon hahaha

[marose17]

Guapo is overrated ha.  Maraming guapong lalaki in their 20s but turn fat, bald and/or ugly when they hit their 40s.  Some guys naman look very ordinary in their 20s but age very well.

I get dashee's point though.  Siempre do not marry naman a guy whose face you cannot stand.  Kahit di kaguwapuhan sa mata ng iba, kung guapo siya for you eh okay lang.  Kayong 2 naman ang magsasama.

[aquacharly]

tama ba na i-lower ang standards?

Kung kayo may choice na makapili ulit, would you still choose your husband?

ganon ba talaga basta choose and make it work no matter what?

I have a friend ..  sabi niya kaya daw ako single kasi ang taas ng standards ko.
kasi mahilig daw ako sa  guapo

 i didn't work so hard to get to where i am tapos
papatol lang ako sa kahit na sino para lang may makasama.

para magkaroon ka ng partner for life dapat huwag ka choosy?
hindi ba dapat nga mas choosy ka kasi buong buhay mo makakasama ang tao na iyon?

sa mga married people what advise can you give sa mga single girls when it comes to choosing a partner. thanks po!

Oh my, let us tackle the simplest issues brought up.

1st of all, you are not single because you are "choosy" (meaning, you have a preferred set of qualities in a partner/spouse and you do not want to abandon that wish list).   Baket ,  some women are not choosy,  pero single pa rin sila.

2nd,  Yang Wish List of desired attributes of a partner/husband -- is a very personal thing.  It is very useful if you base it on a truthful in-depth assessment of what will make you happy.
Kung nasa Wish List mo guapo, pakialam nya?   Lower your standards daw?  Whatever for?  you alone know what will make you happy -- In short, walang basagan ng trip.

3rd,  "get real" sabi nila di ba.  So, great  if you have a reality-based :    definition of yourself, tally of your achievements, and clear list of lfie goals.    Mahirap yung may inferiority complex, mahirap din yong "feelingera" ba tawag doon? hehe
And if you want someone of similar standing as you, ano naman masama doon? 
Most likely kas1:    kung guapo,  to match your  kagandahan;
                            kung mayaman, to match your financial status now;
                            kung comes from a financially comfy family like yours ..... Aba, eh most probably you 2 share the same lifetstyle, preferences and life goals.  So, easier to collapse your dreams into a common portfolio of life goals.  See, "being practical" does not necessarily mean getting someone with a fat wallet, but choosing someone with no big gap from where you are coming from and where you wanna go.  Yang mga May-Dec, rich girl poor boy or baliktad scenario, kilig lang yan sa teleseryes -- in real life, you will age faster - IMO.

Now, if you decide naman to do the opposite of "don't be choosy/compromise", whcih is to  "reach up" or "reach beyond" when choosing The One -- ok din, as  long as you know what it will take to keep up and to measure up.   Hindi mo din siguro gusto ikaw naman yung ?pampabigat". 

WHATEVER your  Wish List of Partner Qualities -- just be honest and truthful with yourself, coz therein likes your happiness for the long run. 

4th:  Ano advise ko?
                 a.  Know thyself.  Be truthful.   . 
                 b.  With regards to your Wish List of Partner/Husband  Attributes:  Be Real.
                 c.  When choosing,  Do Not Comprise on "b" above. 
                      Do not let your emotions push you to make that crucial Life Decision of whom to choose.
                      Do not settle.  Do not be convinced by your friends to just be happy with what is there even if what is important to you is not there -- ano yan: Misery loves company?  hehe

5th:  Most probably, yes, I would marry my husband again.  Though I married young, he already had the attributes I wanted in a husband.

But see,  AMETHYST,  the crux of  your big issue is NOT JUST  what YOU WANT, but what YOU ARE WILLING to give to get what you want going for the longest time.  Even with relationships, there is no such thing as "a free lunch".

[molybdenumstudios]

amethyst028: Setting high standards is good enough. It means that you, yourself is a challenge to every guy who is courting you. Ganyan dapat, taasan lang ang standards, because if you set your standards very low, it means that you are settling for anything less. Kung sino pa ang nahihirapang mag-asawa, sila pa ang nakakapag-asawa ng super late. In fact, swerte-swerte lang kapag nakahanap ka ng lalaking tatanggap sa'yo.

[April30]

Hi sis amethyst028, IMO lang, high standards will all gone down the drain once ma-in love ka ng todo.  Nothing's wrong with setting standards, at least you will keep reminded not to go wrong with your guy. Ako kasi, and standard ko noon sa guy yung intellectually gifted kahit hindi gwapo, una ko talaga tinititigan noon yung laman ng brain before yung physical appearance. I end up with my hubby na kahit sabi nila hindi daw gwapo, at least magaling sa arts and may laman talaga ang utak. hehe. Luv na luv ko nga sya eh. Ska kahit [textspeak!] sabihin ng iba, pra sa kin, gwapo sya.

[marose17]

@amethyst028, yikes!  Katakot nga sa pagka-seloso, bordering on sanib.
There is nothing wrong naman if you find yourself in your 30s and still single.  I got married at the ripe age of 33.  No regrets.  When I got married, I knew myself very well.  I enjoyed my single life to the fullest.  I was ready for marriage.   Hubby was of the same age and he was also ready to settle down.  More importantly, we both knew what we wanted and we wanted the same things.

Sa mga girls diyan, huwag magmadali.  Hindi kayo iiwan ng bus.  Anong gusto ninyo?  Mahuli pero papunta sa tamang direksiyon.  O makasakay agad pero mali pala ang patutunguhan.  Think about it.  Getting married is not just the goal.  Getting married to the right partner at the right time should be your goal.

[caterpillar-girl]

Can I give unsolicited advice din? Unsolicited because I'm not yet married, haha, just engaged. Anyway, having high standards has a price also. It means waiting, and possibly waiting forever. It means having lonely days. As long as you know that, and I think you do naman, then by all means hold on to your standards, no matter how high they might seem. In the end, it's just about ano ang mas kaya mo panindigan. I don't find anything wrong with being too unreasonably choosy, or its extreme end, having unreasonably low standards.  Only you know where to tow the line anyway, if you should even tow the line at all. If you know that you'd rather be alone than lower your standards, then that's fine. Admirable even, to some extent. If you decide you'd rather compromise for the sake of companionship or love or what have you, I don't find that so bad either.  I can't judge people's reasons for being with someone. What I do find wrong is if you blame life, people, fate, destiny, whatever, for the consequences of the choices that you, and nobody else, made.

One final unsolicited advice: don't think in extremes. You're not being "choosy" for not choosing a "panget and mahirap," for of course the choice is already clear to begin with. Being choosy I think is choosing well among a set of a mix of desirable and undesirable choices. That includes NOT choosing. Life is hardly just in extremes.

For the record, I am marrying my fiance who is admittedly not my dream boy. I originally wanted someone who's from Ateneo, a professional (doctor or lawyer or architect), at least 6 feet tall, etc etc. He is none of that. Haha. But I think I got a much sweeter deal. Am I marrying him out of pure love? No. I love him, but I also know part of the reason I'm marrying him is I'm so done being single. I want a family, PTA meetings, soccer matches, trips to Disneyland, the works. Did I compromise? You bet. However life turns out, I will have the rest of my life to live with this choice that I'm making. Good luck sis