1st year of marraige and yet struggling

[IloveMybabs]

i have been married for almost 1 year pa lang..
and it was 1 tough year since the first 5 months LDR kami ni hubby..

my husband is a goodman he never did cheated on me he is so sweet, he always sends me flowers nung magkalayo kami he sends card, sweet messages, everyday magkausap kami, he really takes care of me and specially in his family he provides for them since both of his parents are jobless.

At first tanggap ko na kailangan nea talaga magbigay sa kanila kasi wala naman ibang bumubuhay sa parents nea kundi sya lang but what we have talked before is syempre mababawasan na yong pagbigay nea sa kanila since my family na din sya.. since medjo maluwag naman yong budget namin ngayon hindi ako nagreklamo o hindi ko sya niquestion bakit yong amount na pinapadala nea sa kanila mas malaki kesa dati..

nung nasa manila pa ko may nababasa na kong mga text ng tatay nea pero na medjo nahuhurt ako pero hindi ko na pinalaki 1 of those yong text nea na kia daw nauubos pinapadala ng asawa ko kasi pinapadalhan nea ko ng food pag dumadalaw ako.. ang saken naman, hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng food sa kanila sya nagpapadala so bakit nea ko kailangan sisihin duh!

then nung magkasama na kami sa work place ni hubby nagtxt ba naman tatay nea na "oo nakuha na namin padala mo madami ngang babayaran bakit mo pa kasi pinapunta yan jan malaking gastusin haharapin mo mabuti ngang nandito yan at nagtratrabaho niloloko mo lang kami na magtratrabaho yan jan" nung nabasa ko nagulat talaga ko! hindi ko napigilan umiyak sa sobrang galit na wala akong pinakitang masamang ugali sa kanila and kaplastikan nea ok din lahat ng pinapakita nea saken dati.. so aun todo comfort saken ni hubby na wag ko na daw pansinin and ganun lang daw talaga tatay nea.. ilang araw nea din hindi kinausap o tinext tatay nea then kinausap nya si MIL regarding sa text ng tatay nea so aun sabi wag na lang daw pansinin kasi baka kung mapano pa pag pinalaki yong issue so si hubby hindi na kinausap yong tatay nea and parang wala ng nangyari.

nasundan pa un nung nagbakasyon kami ni hubby nagtxt na ano gina gawa namin dun and puro daw kami gastos dapat daw hindi muna sya nag asawa and may maganda daw na bahay dun sa my sakanila.. parang sinasabi na bilhan sila ng bahay and saken naman HELLO! pinagawa na bahay nyo! pinag aaral na isang anak nyo! asawa ko na bumubuhay sa inyo! at kulang pa un para sa inyo so dahil sa text na un yong buong bakasyon namin ni hubby nasira. hindi na ko nakapag pigil kia sinabihan ko na si hubby na highblood ang sakit ng tatay mo hindi un sakit sa utak para hindi nea maintindihan na nakakasakit sya! at ikaw wala kang ginagawa para tumigil sya! naturingan ka pa namang asawa ko! so aun kinausap ko na din si MIL regarding dun sa text at as usual wag ko na daw pansinin so aun sinabi ko na na hindi ako pinalaki ng magulang ko na sanay makarinig ng kung ano ano lalo na at wala kong ginagawang masama and sinabi ko na buti nga hindi ako katulad ng iba kasi ni hindi manlang nabawasan kahit singko yong pinapadala sa kanila.. so aun kinausap ni hubby tatay nea at ang sabi lang ni hubby nagagalit daw ako sa text nea so ang akin bakit ako lang nagagalit sya ba hindi? nababastos kia ako sa text ng tatay nea.. at as usual wala nanaman ako nagawa and lumipas lang din..

then ngayon pauwi kami para sa church wed namin napag kasunduan namin na sa bahay na dumiretcho dahil madami ako aausin sa kasal and pumayag naman sya sinabi ko na ayoko din tumira sa kanila dahil kahit papano nirerespeto ko sya at ayoko masagot tatay nea.. then kanina tumawag sya sa kanila nakausap nea si MIL sanabi na sa bahay kami dederetcho so aun katulad nga ng inaasahan ko ayaw nila pumayag ang sinabi sa kanila ng magaling kong asawa sasabihin daw nea saken na dun na lang kami dumiretcho as if ako lang nag decide so kanila naiba usapan sabi nea nakakahiya daw kasi sa bahay namin and sa kanila na lang kami.. nung ayaw ko pumayag sabi ba naman nea ako daw magsabi kay MIL na hindi kami dederetcho sa kanila

ang akin lang mga sis dati nagkasundo kami na dun kami sa parents ko.. meaning desisyon namin
 un mag asawa, tapos ngayon ayaw lang pumayag ng nanay nea susunod na sya? ngayon ko lang narealize wala palang balls asawa ko..

ang hirap pala ng ganito mga sis yong kailangan mo maging matapang kasi walang ibang magtatanggol sau kasi yong inaasahan mo na kakampi mo wala pala.. ang akin lang last year naman sa kanila na kami ng xmas and new year ni wala silang narinig sa family ko..

i did not expect na magiging ganito yong 1st year ng married life ko..

anung gagawin ko mga sis nagsasawa na ko sa ugali ni hubby natatakot ako na baka mas lumala pa na ako lang magisa magtatanggol sa sarili ko.. kinausap ko na sya about sa tatay nea na nasasaktan ako wala naman sya ginagawa..

mga sis sorry medjo mahaba

[glamorosa_09]

Natandaan ko naman bigla yung quotation ng isang pari,

"A rose without thorns is not a true rose. Just like a love without sufferings is not a true love."

There are only two types of marital problems, solvable and perpetual. Sa tingin mo, itong problema mo solvable? The way your hubby stands between you and his parents, sa tingin mo kaya nyang mabago?

Sige, try to be the sweetest wife you could ever be. Try mo na kampihan ka ni hubby through clear and proper communication. Pero kung ganun pa rin sya, it's time for you to realize na it's not solvable. It's perpetual, something you have to live with for the rest of your life, something you have to accept about your hubby.

Mukha namang mabait ang hubby mo, good provider, dinadala ka nya kung nasaan sya. Focus ka na lang sa mga positive qualities nya. There's no perfect man with a perfect situation.

Kaya, imbis na ibuhos mo yung emotional energy mo na makuha yung gusto mo from your hubby, ibuhos mo na lang pagpapasensya sa tatay nya. At least tatay nya yung problema mo sis, hindi hubby mo.

Mahirap talaga married life sis, pero pag nagkakaron ng acceptance, kahit papano gumagaan.

[Priceless]

Sis Ilovemybabs,

If I were in your shoes, and given the experience that you have, I will do the following:

1. Talk to my husband and again remind him na (1) feeling ko nabastos na ako ng father nya (2) wala sya (hubby) ginawa to help, correct, improve the situation (3) I don't think the issue will be resolved on its own this time... pero they need to give time para mag heal ang issue, pag ipinilit nya ang gusto nya ngayon, it will possibly worsen the situation.

2. Say to my husband that the decision has been made naming dalawa na sa house namin kami uuwi so may expectation na ang family ko and I can tell your MIL that fact. Kung ayaw pa rin nya, sya ang mag explain sa family ko kung bakit hindi kami matutuloy sa bahay namin at kung bakit babaguhin ang plan at sa bahay nila kami tutuloy

3. Kung matuloy man kami sa bahay ng family nya, and alam nya ang attitude ng tatay nya, magpasensyahan kami kung ipaglaban ko ang sarili ko (dahil alam ko namang hindi nya gagawin na ipaglaban ako) at sagut sagutin ko ang tatay nya. Wag din sya magulat kung mag alsa balutan ako pag di ko nakayanan ang environment na yun. Kumbaga, all bets are off. Fair game ang laban, so kung gusto nya ng gyera, hindi ako uurong and any little thing can set me off. Bahala sya if he wants to take the risk.


Then I will say na if we stay at my family's house it doesn't mean na hindi na namin bibisitahin ang family nya. We will still visit but just avoid any opportunity for confrontation dahil the amazona in me will not back down from any fight.

[aquacharly]

It is good you have been vocal to your hubby that his father is grrrrrrr.
Well,  do not jump to the conclusion your hubby has no ballz coz he can't defend you.
Ganito kasi yon, maybe - as far as he is concerned --  ikaw madali nya mapaintindi, but his father - incorrigible na/hopeless.  Sabi nga ng MIL mo - hwag pansinin.

Your father-in-law is not likely to change and lose his insensitivity/pagka tactless/kagaspangan.  Tanda na.
The least contact you 2 have, the better -- IMO.  Less conflict, less wear & tear on your nerves.
Although napag usapan na, and since you 2 already live together --  paguwi nyo, after a night or so, let him go stay with his parents until the day of the wedding.   Stay at your place,  insist on it.   Tutal your father-in-law has been vocal about his view of you, why be a hypocrite? But never be rude, always be respectful -- but if he ever becomes offensive, keep quiet & walk away.  Hindi naman siguro kayo matagal dito?

His pop is tactless, yes -- but he makes practical sense.
I assume you 2 are both abroad now, and you are not earning.
IMO, it would have been practical for you to have  just stayed here until after the wedding.  Babalik ka pa rin naman dito for that & you could have earned pa while having more time fixing your wedding requirements. 
Perhaps it is not that swapang your father-in-law, or that he dislikes you --  the way he worded his discontent, IMO, was his criticism of his son's financial diskarte.
Well,  you must admit -- he surely wants his son to have huge savings kasi wala sila ibang sasandalan.
 

Ok, focus.  Hindi si hubby mo ang grrrr sa buhay mo. Do not practice Misplaced Aggression.
Hindi mahirap married life. But adjusting to each other is a requirement, and well, requires effort.  Ang mahirap, Sis, eh yung hubby na bum, boogbooguerro, philanderer, addict, ganun.
Keep  cool, always be frank but never harsh with your hubby -- and stay abroad, far far away fom  father dearest.

Get a job, get your own career, do not remain financially dependent sa hubby. 
That is the best insurance you can get for yourself. Side benefit --  if you have money, you acquire clout, really - with everyone, really. 
Malay mo, 1 day  eh puede mo pang send a little of your own money to your in-laws occasionally (birthday, Christmas, burol? Hehe) --  yang mukhang-perang yan eh babait na sa inyo?....  Hmmmm, Baka mautusan mo pa to do errands for you pag nag bakasyon kayo dito. 

Another thing, kasi pakialamera ako-- IF you will invest in a residence here later -- hwag na hwag ka gets ng bahay wherever your in-laws reside.   Get a small condo in MMla.  Better, yung 1 bedroom lang, walang guest room.  Hehe

Smile.   Your father in law, sya yung ok kulubot kulubot face. You gotta look fresh and beautiful for your wedding. 

[IloveMybabs]

Natandaan ko naman bigla yung quotation ng isang pari,

"A rose without thorns is not a true rose. Just like a love without sufferings is not a true love."

Mahirap talaga married life sis, pero pag nagkakaron ng acceptance, kahit papano gumagaan.

thanks sis glamorosa_09

hindi ko kasi alam sis kung panu uumpisahan yong acceptance, i admit medjo mataas din yong pride ko ang saken kasi hindi ako pinag aral at nag aral para bastusin nea lang.. at pag salitaan ng kung ano ano.. sabi ko nga kay hubby hindi nawawala yong galit ko kasi kahit kelan hindi nea inackowledge na mali sya o nag sorry man sa mga nasabi nea

the idea of solvable and perpetual makes me realize na hindi nga laging pag iwas yong unang option..

Sis Priceless maraming salamat

before ginawa ko yong first part ngayon hindi pa uli kasi hindi ko sya kinakausap, pinipilit nea makipag usap saken kagabi pero ayaw ko, kasi alam kong madami akong masasakit na salita na masasabi sa kanya lalo na ngayon kumukulo pa dugo ko sa kanya..

sabi ko nga din sis sa kanya pag nag stay kami dun sa kanila at pag may hindi ako nagustuhan na sinabi ng tatay nea pasensyahan kami kasi masasagot ko talaga un.. ang sabi lang nea panu pag nag sorry daw ang akin naman kung mag sosorry un matagal na kasi an dami na nyang nasabi eh.. may god sis 27 na asawa ko hindi na bata para sila mag decide sa buhay nea...

Sis aquacharly thank you madalas ko mabasa comment mo sa ibang TS and one of those is yong pag ikaw nag bibigay lagi at nag stop kana magbigay ikaw pa madamot..

madami din kasing instances na pag tumatawag si hubby sa kanila naririnig ko usapan nila aba wala ng ibang sinabi kundi kulang na yong pera at wala ng pambili ng gamot.. good thing hindi naman nag papadala si hubby ng extra pa sa pinapadala nea monthly un nga lang tuwing 7 kasi nagpapadala si hubbby at pag dumating yong 8 na hindi pa sya nag papadala text kagad un bakit wala pa ang akin kasi hindi pa ganun katanda father nea nung nag retire 50 something pa lang.. bakit kia hindi muna sya nag ipon ng pang retirement nea bago sya tumigil mag work..

pinalaki kasi kami ng parents namin na my sense of responsibility na walang dapat sisihin sa desisyon mo kundi ikaw lang.. and lagi din nila sinasabi samin na pag tumanda kami wag namin iaasa yong buhay namin sa anak namin dahil mahirap manghingi sa anak lalo na may family na.. and yong parents ko masinop..

un yong suggestion ko sis kay hubby pag dating namin jan sa manila na dun muna ko samin and sya sa kanila dadalaw dalaw na lang kami sa isat isa pag my pagkakataon.. kaso aun ayaw naman pumayag at gusto magkasama kaming 2.. and sinuggest ko din na sunduin na lang sya ng family nea sa airport and ako susunduin din ng family ko para wala ng gulo and as usual ayaw nea din ng ganung set up..

naiinis ako sis kay hubby para syang linta na ayaw ako mawala sa tabi nea pero ni hindi naman ako kayang ipag tanggol sa kanila.. kakadating lang din kasi ng working permit ko this month and dumating ako dito May this year nag offer yong 1 kong tita na mag work sa company nea pansamantala un nga lang malayo dito sa place ni hubby mga 3hours away and every 2weeks lang kami magkikita so aun ayaw pumayag gusto lagi kami magka sama kia aun wala ako nagawa..

his parents leave in marikina and sabi ko talaga never kami kukuha ng bahay malapit sa kanila haha plan namin sa laguna..

nahihirapan ako kasi magkaiba kami pinalaki ng parents namin nasanay ako na hindi ako pinapangunahan ng parents ko mag decide para sa sarili ko..

hanggang ngayon wala pa din ako plan makipag usap sa kanya masama pa din kasi loob ko.. hindi ko din kasi matanggap yong sinabi nea na ako na mag explain kay MIL kung bakit kami hindi pwedeng dumiretcho sa kanila.

[glamorosa_09]

@Ilovemybabs

sis what I mean by acceptance is, after everything you have tried to make the situations right with your hubby, at ganun pa rin, that's the time for you to accept the things that you cannot change about him.

What I can picture from your situation is, your hubby is standing between you and his parents. Hindi sya nag-saside sa parents nya, hindi rin sya nag-sa-side sa yo. But as a wife, gusto mo mag-side sya sayo, ipagtanggol ka nya, icommunicate nya to his parents your plans as a couple, which he doesn't do.
Nakakafrustrate di ba?

It's not that wala syang balls. Probably, ayaw nyang ma-hurt ang feelings ng parents nya or ayaw nyang i-reject yung gusto nila directly. On the other hand, hindi ka rin nya ni-rereject, kasi mag willing syang gawin yung plano mo. Your problem is, gusto mo sya mag-explain sa parents nya, na mukhang hindi nya kaya. May magagawa ka ba if hindi kaya ng powers nya to put his parents' request down? Kaya ikaw ang gusto nyang mag-explain.

Paano ba sya pinalaki ng parents nya? Baka pinalaki syang bawal ang mangatwiran o bawal ang sumagot.
Looking at his father na mukhang strong ang personality, it's not impossible. At kung strong ang personality mo eh, magsasabong talaga kayo.

Regarding sa pagpapalaki sayo, eh lahat naman tayo pinalaking maayos para hindi bastusin ng ganun ganun lang. But his father's reactions toward you is beyond your control. Iiistress mo lang sarili mo. Like what aquacharly said, magpaka layo layo kayo, o kaya bigyan mo sya ng pera, baka yun lang ang makapag-papaamo sa kanya.

Swerte ka na sa hubby mo sis, yung ibang hubby mas sinusunod ang nanay sa asawa. Sumusunod naman ang hubby mo sayo, hindi lang nya kaya i-confront or makipag communicate sa parents nya. And few people can do that ha, ang magkaron ng open communication sa magulang.

Ang hubby ko, lumaking hindi pwede mangatwiran yan sa parents. Umaattend lang yan ng mga self-improvement seminars, kaya na-icocommunicate nya na yung mga saloobin nya sa family nila.

[bettyboop1322]

Natandaan ko naman bigla yung quotation ng isang pari,

"A rose without thorns is not a true rose. Just like a love without sufferings is not a true love."

There are only two types of marital problems, solvable and perpetual. Sa tingin mo, itong problema mo solvable? The way your hubby stands between you and his parents, sa tingin mo kaya nyang mabago?

Sige, try to be the sweetest wife you could ever be. Try mo na kampihan ka ni hubby through clear and proper communication. Pero kung ganun pa rin sya, it's time for you to realize na it's not solvable. It's perpetual, something you have to live with for the rest of your life, something you have to accept about your hubby.

Mukha namang mabait ang hubby mo, good provider, dinadala ka nya kung nasaan sya. Focus ka na lang sa mga positive qualities nya. There's no perfect man with a perfect situation.

Kaya, imbis na ibuhos mo yung emotional energy mo na makuha yung gusto mo from your hubby, ibuhos mo na lang pagpapasensya sa tatay nya. At least tatay nya yung problema mo sis, hindi hubby mo.

Mahirap talaga married life sis, pero pag nagkakaron ng acceptance, kahit papano gumagaan.

super like sis glamorosa_09! 

[aquacharly]

Do not insist that the way pinalaki kayo is the best & should set the tenor of how you & hubby deal with your families.  Your family's way  may be better -- but their way may not be totally bad.  You gotta look at the whole picture, that families marshall their resources to the best they can given their circumstances & opportunities (or the lack thereof).  But generally, the objective is to advance their collective interest. 
And so you 2 will go about raising your own family eventually by incorporating what you each saw to be strengths from your families plus whatever else you learn from the rest of the world. 

When you marry someone, not everything goes smoothly -- even with arranged marriages.
CHANGE always meets some  degree of opposition.
Perhaps you are the type who hardly meets any opposition coz you are lovable, orderly, upbeat, considerate, & forward-thinking.  So the Change in your life  now is this b1tchy old man who sees you as the unfavorable Change in his life.  Dati, he dictates on his son - now, his son has you to consider  & most probably uses you as his excuse for not readily giving in to his father's demands. 

Actually, Sis, it is not that your husband has no ballz -- but that among all parties involved, he is actually the 1 realistically trying to manage all the Changes all of you need to accommodate. 
He is caught between 2 hardening sides (you vs his parents) that are also digging-in & setting up for some uncomfortable confrontation.

In the grand scheme of things,  does the old man's b1tchiness matter?
Not if you let it drive a wedge between you & hubby.
Not if his actions make you see your hubby  less favorably.
Do not win the battle to lose the war.
Play your cards well. 

[IloveMybabs]

Hi Mga sis

thanks sa mga reply

We are oky now, kinausap ko sya last week
In a way na hindi ko sya ninag or pinag taasan ng boses. Masinsinang pag uusap pero sa malambing na paraan just like what our other sis recommend. pinaliwanag ko kung bakit ako galit na galit sa kanya nun and kung bakit ganito yong nafefeel ko (Update lang pala si FINL humihirit nanaman pa pintura daw yong bahay nea! at 18k yong estimates kaloka! take note kakapadala lang namin ng pang tuition ng kapatid nea).

so aun pinaliwanag ko sa kanya na ako nga dapat nag wowork pa ngayon kasi syempre i need to help my parents kahit papano, pero i choose to be here with him kasi sya na yong priority ko. and sabi ko sa kanya na wag syang masyadong mabait sa family nea he needs to learn how to say NO hindi puro YES kasi family na namin dapat yong priority nea. and i think naintindihan naman nea ako and nasabi na din nya yong side nea bakit sya ganun.

dati daw kasi nung nag aaral sya they gave everything to him and he thinks providing them everything they need will somehow ease their sacrifices. i know he has a point but i told him that he needs to choose kung ano ba dapat unahin nea kasi kung feeling nea na kulang pa pala naibigay nea sa parents nea bakit nea ako niyaya magpakasal. and kulang pa ba na sya na bumubuhay sa kanila? and hindi lang naman sya yong anak 2 sila.. bigyan naman nea ng obligasyon na tumulong din yong kapatid nea.

in the end nagkasundo kami na wala na munang extra expenses na gagastusin kasama na dun yong pag pintura ng bahay nila kasi mas kailangan namin makaipon ng pera para makabili ng kotse wish me luck mga sis hahaha malapit na kaming umuwi sa pinas sana makapag stick si hubby sa budget na pwede nea lang gastusin sa pang shopping ng family nea hahaha at sana din matagal ko ang ugali ng tatay nea good thing pumayag si hubby na mag stay na ko samin habang sya nasa kanila magkikita na lang kami pag may time

and i think kailangan ko palitan yong subject na how to deal with not so friendly FINL