To Forgive and Forget...

[aquacharly]

I said it before in another thread,  I say it again now: 
         FORGIVING is over-rated.
         Forgiving, to be truly sincere -- IMO, is a process, not a knee-jerk act nor single-minded 1 decision.
         Forgiving is a very personal process --  you do it when you alone want to, and you take as long a time you need/want.  It is surely different for us all.
         Forgiving, IMO, is  1-sided.  O sige, it may do the forgiver's heart to be so magnanimous & Christ-like. But it may be not as makabagbag-loob/heart-rending to the forgiven. Kaya ayun:  "Sorry" ( tapos back to fcking around like dogs).   
         
Now, when sh1t hits the fan --   IMO, the grace to pray for is ACCEPTANCE.
         Acceptance that there is nothing that can change/re-write History. 
         Acceptance that sh1t happens even to The Undeserving.
         Acceptance that people change through time, for better or worse, as they CHOOSE to change. 
         Acceptance that whatever you 2 had going on before, is already in the Irretrievable Past.
         Acceptance that after everything that has transpired, you are each different people now.
         Acceptance of The Truth of what EACH 1 has become and What Makes EACH  1 Happy -- will set you both free (wherever the chips may  fall).
         Acceptance of one's OWN shortcomings/faults & choices. 
Now, mind you, Acceptance only for your OWN deeds.  Hwag akuhin ang hindi sa yo. Do NOT ACCEPT NOR SHARE blame for the other's wrongdoing.  You may have contributed to the lapse of bad judgment, but it was him who psychologically abandoned your marriage. It was him who brought crap into your marriage by fcking around or hooking up with a kab1tch.  . It was him who, thinking he could be happier with his lying & fcking around,  dragged you to unhappiness. It was HIS CHOICE.  You chose not to fck around, though you may have been more unhappy than  him.

If there is NO Acceptance of  the individual responsibility & choice to do damage to the marriage/relationship --  History will replay.  Until The Lesson is learned, History repeats itself.  That goes for BOTH of you, the betrayer and the betrayed -- EACH of you must learn The Lesson. 

After Acceptance of each your own --  then, you can move in an orderly manner towards whatever: Forgiveness, or not; Staying to re-try, or Moving On; whatever.   What is important is, no more lies at that point.  No more deceptions. Ano ba gusto mo?!  Eto gusto ko!  Deal or No Deal?!  A Marriage after all, is a Contract to make each other happy (with appropriate Exit/Termination provisions) & not a Life Sentence ("to be served" sabi sa A Secret Affair). 

[Bhabes_hots]

I agree sis!  NO woman should just accept the fact that his husband is just a man and he has needs..  Thats just plain BS.  He didnt think that we also have the same needs.  So a sorry is not a true sorry if there is no sincerity involved.  You will know if he is truly sincere and he should change after that and we have to see the change as well.

[gab54]

I have posted before. Hubby had a 1year affair. He was head over heels. pero I fought the kab!tch by making my hubby fall in love with me all over again. It is a long story pero he ended his affair, and we have better marriage than before. I can say I have forgiven, because it is God's command to us. because I know I have many faults to as a wife, because he was sincere in his remorse & repentance. I havent forgotten & I dont plan too. I already trust him again but I am also cautious not to be blind. And I remember but the pain is less now. Time heals all wounds it's true. But the scar is always a reminder

[tingkiingkie1]

It's really hard for me nung una niya ginawa, pero kasi hindi siya nag ka affair. Sabi niya, nagkaroon lang daw siya ng textmate and ka meet up pero hanggang dun lang yun. No kissing, No holding hands, pure friendship. Pero bakit ang sakit padin? It's been what, 4 months after na. Yung pain nag subside na, pero kapag naaalala ko, may kirot pa din.. Pinatawad ko na siya the day that we fought about it.. kasi hindi ko naman kaya na magalit sakanya.. pero may times na, hindi ko makalimutan. or kapag may naaalala ako about it.. yung sakit konti nalang.. pero yung memory, yung ang nagpapasakit..

[Myealexis21]

depende kase kung ano yung sitwasyon.  If the husband cheated tapos hindi naman sya nagpapakita that he is sorry, bakit mo pa bibigyan ng chance yan!

My dad cheated on my mom 3 decades ago...he was working abroad and he was lonely daw blah-blah-blah.. Hindi naman agad nalaman ng nanay ko.  Actually he brought us with him to end the so-called affair.  My mom found out about the affair later na when she was preggy with their 2nd child.  Muntik na sila maghiwalay at knowing my mom, walang lingon likod yun kapag nagdesisyon.  But I think my dad justified na nagbago na sya, he said na he ended the relationship bago niya kami kunin sa Pinas, and kaya pursigido sya kunin kami kase kami ang importante sa kanya.  He never cheated again. I remember him begging my mom to take him back, nakaluhod sya as in nagmamakaawa, di ko maintindihan yung nangyari na yun but I still remember that vividly. And when I was 15, he told me about this and even asked for my forgiveness. 

Kung ganyan ka-sorry yung lalake, I'd take him back.  Pero kung mayabang pa at proud sa ginawa niya, goodbye!

[maiandra]

sorry to hear that sis. Wag ka masyado magpakamartir for him as you even said that hindi ka ganun before. don't ever make a guy change you into something you don't want to be. Boyfriend pa lang yan, kung umasta akala nya he has a hold over you? Wala syang right.

[christine1992]

Oo nga sis, yan rin ang nasa isip ko. But really its hard to do such things when I know i'm just gonna regret it. Hindi ko pa kayang mawala sya sa life ko and to think, sa kanya lang umiikot mundo ko.Tell me, okay lang ba reaction ko sa nangyari?. I've been tight especially with his fb, I kept checking on it if he has new messages ,new female friends and etc. Sumtimes nga naaapektuhan na trabaho ko. I cant focus especially may misunderstanding kami. Ma-pride sya at ganon din ako. I really dont know how to make this work. Ako nalang ba lagi magpakumbaba? I want to see that he's worth the chance I gave him .

[alessandra90]

Natural lang sa isang girl that has been cheated once and ganyang gestures sis. You've been hurt, maybe real bad, and you gave him a second chance. Bakit mo nga ba binigyan ng chance si guy? because you still love him obviously. Nag effort ba si guy na patunayan sayo na nagbago na s'ya?? If so, acceptance is the key. Wala namang perpektong relationship at hindi mo na naman mababago ang nangyari the moment na nagpatawad ka. You can't say you've forgiven him and then go on be miserable like that. Hindi ka magiging masaya n'yan. Kakambal ng forgiveness ang moving on sis 

[feisty_angel4]

Ang hirap mag forgive lalo na mag forget....

[alessandra90]

So true. But you'll get there eventually... except for the 'forget' part.

[Janet31]

alam mo muna kung bakit nya nagawa un?
baka may pagkukulang ka din...
everything happens for a reason db.

[christine1992]

Maybe may pagkukulang nga ako but I dont think its a valid reason for him to do that. Sa side niya, may pagkukulang rin naman siya sa akin, pero the thought of having another guy never got into my mind. He could have talk to me to settle things, but its impossible I think, wala sa kanya ang salitang heart to heart talk. For me, Im always here to listen naman, pero kapag kasi, i-open ko na ang topic na ganon, he's like "inaantok na ako dear, tulog na tayo" or " ayan ka na naman, drama na naman. Oo na best actress ka na". Di ba? Kelangan ko syempre ng peace of mind. Kasi yung nagawa niya has been torturing me everyday. Nahihirapan na ako.

[danne]

Nahuli ko lang si hubby nakikipagflirt sa fb. Pero I really do not know if nagkita ba sila nung girl or hindi kasi after ng last conversation nila last August, wala ng kasunod. Nadiscover ko lang ang tungkol dito last month lang. Pero kahit ganon lang ang nalaman ko, ang sakit sakit parin. Hindi ko maimagine now kung talagang may kabit si hubby. I know hindi ko talaga kayang patawarin at lalong di ko kayang kalimutan. So I really hope na hindi na mauulit ang ginawa niya. I still hate this girl.

[latte]

Question lang mga sis, dito ako magtatanong hindi pa kasi ako allowed mag start ng topic.

Sa tingin nyo ano kaya ang mas mahirap patawarin, yung asawa na nagkaroon ng affair o yung asawa na verbally abusive? Lagi ko itong naiisip. Kasi yung ex husband ko, hindi [textspeak!] nagkaroon ng affair as far as I know ha, pero verbally/emotionally abusive sya. Sabi ko sa kanya noon first time na nakipaghiwalay ako na nakiusap sya at nagmakaawa na patawarin ko sya, sabi ko mas madali yatang patawarin kung nagkaroon lang sya ng affair parang mauunawaan ko dahil LDR kami, pero yung lapastanganin nya ang pagkatao ko masyadong mabigat yun para sa akin. Sabi nya noon, nasasabi ko lang daw yun dahil never syang nagkipag affair sa iba.

Pero feeling ko talaga mas magaan ng konti yun may third party kesa sa mga abusive na asawa.

[Myealexis21]

^I wouldn't say one is the lesser evil... parehong masakit yan.

You might be saying that because you haven't experience the thing that's at the other side of the fence - your hubby cheating on you.  But only upon knowing how painful yung magcheat yung hubby mo sa yo, saka mo lang masasagot yung tanong mo kung ano nga ba ang mas masakit sa dalawa. (o baka hindi pa nga)

But ofcourse hindi mo naman iwish na mangyari yun (cheating) just to answer that question.  So I'd go back to my first sentence - pareho lang silang masakit walang mas magaan sa kanila...walang mas madaling patawarin.  IMHO, both are diseases na if ever ma cure matagal tagal ang gamutan, and dapat willing to cooperate ang pasyente.

[fegloria1954]

What I will say is what I would call "short and sweet"

"Forgive and forget" is a myth.
To forgive is to let go of your negative feelings - the anger, the rage, the sama ng loob, the tears, etc. etc. - AND the desire to take revenge and make the other suffer, and more.  Forgiveness is not for the spouse who has hurt you.  Forgiveness is for you.
I doubt if anyone will ever forget a traumatic experience.  You will not forget.  You may think you have forgotten just because you do not remember it as often as you used to, maybe because your brain has worked for you and it had driven the memory into the deepest recesses of your mind.  But yes, every now and then you will remember, because of something or someplace that has reminded you.
But yes, you CAN forget the negative feelings you used to feel.  Even as you may recall what happened.
As in, when you recall what happened, you will not have negative feelings in you anymore.
And that is why forgiveness is for you.  when you let go of the negative feelings engendered by what had happened or what you discovered.
How do I know?
It happened to me, and my hubby, over at least 35 years.  but yes we are still together.  I have forgiven, since I do not anymore have any negative feelings when I remember what happened, since I have not forgotten what has happened.  I now mostly do not remember details of exactly whqt happened, and that is my brain working for me, but I prefer to remember that this traumatic experience happened to me, like a lesson I should always remember.

Mommy Fe

[maiandra]

^ I can't agree with you more sis. I want to just flush my life of all negative feelings and welcome the coming year with peace of mind and positivity.

[i_v_y]

^ yeah sis. make a decision to let go of negativity and it will follow. some things will make you recall but you have to be in control. do not let what happened to have a control over you.

[Shadow Angel]

Kung sa akin mangyayari ( at sana hindi mangyari) hindi ko alam kung ano magawa ko sa kanya... Hindi ako madali magforgive pag mabigat ginawa sa akin...

[aleng_maganda]

^^ winner ka teh, pangarap ko yan yung makayanan ko syang tiisin. Hindi ko magawa. Natapos at natapos ang problema namin (sana nga tapos na talaga) hindi ko makayang deadmahin sya. Kayang kaya kasi ako bolahin ng asawa ko. Kakainis.