Accepting your husband's illegitimate child

[mdy]

I have a friend who is happily married and has a kid. Prior to his marriage, nagkaron sya ng affair of some sort. He doesn't want the girl pero nabuntis nya. It just so happen na yung wife nya, preggy na din at that time. Nalaman ni wife yung affair pero I think she doesn't know na preggy yung girl kaya naayos pa nila yung relationship nila hanggang sa nagpakasal na nga. In short my friend's wife doesn't know about the kid until now. The dilemma of my friend now is that naghahabol na yung girl. At least kilalanin lang yung anak. I'm not sure kung humihingi ng sustento pero parang may legal case na daw. My friend doesn't know what to do. Hindi nya alam kung kailangan or paano nya ipapaalam sa wife nya yung kid. He asked me anong magiging reaction ko kung saken yon and syempre sabi ko masasaktan ako. I'm a possessive person, so kung saken mangyayari yon (na sana wag naman), sa tingin ko hindi ko kayang matanggap. I asked my husband kung ano gagawin nya, sabi nya saken hindi din nya alam ang gagawin nya if ever. Pero sabi nya hindi naman kasalanan nung bata so kikilalanin nya. Kung kayo yung wife ng friend ko, how will you react? Dapat na ba sabihin ng friend ko yung situation sa wife nya? 

[janeblaze,project]

Your friend is in a Big big deep of  (beep beep)

I'm not married or have kids yet, but here's my take for this sis since I know this kind of situations parang sa family ko  kase ganito kaso  [textspeak!] naging mistress ng dad ko  e kahit alam na may  asawa na the girl was talagang naghabol i guess it has to  do with dad's being in the service ( yes sis my dad is babaero  nakow Lt pa lang ata sya dami na chicks but my mom stick with him thru  thick or thin).

Nalaman ng mom ko  noon na may  kabit dad ko (again) when we migrated here and the masama thing in this case is ayun nagkaron sila ng anak not 1 but 2 kids so  i  have 2 siblings in dad's side. I was of course mad at dad kase why  would he do that  to our mom na wala naman nagwa na pagkukulang as a wife and a mother to  me and my  bro. And when my  dad confesses na meron na , my mom wanted to  fix the problem and sa awa naman ni  Lord yun naayus naman , lumayo and girl of course and sustentado ang mga kids and samen ng bro ko  kilala kami  ng mga kapatid namin na kami yung Orig na anak ni  dad. Now na malaki na sila they  know naman na yugn truth and we all get along naman .

As for  your friend, he should tell the wife na abt it, kaysa naman malaman pa sa iba yan na may  anak sya sa labas. As for the friend's wife , she should accept it kahit masakit and make it better and correct the mistake na nagawa na.

And more important thing the mistress naman sana she will  not make a scence at mag eskandalo  pa

[ReservoirDogs]

Wow, that is one tough situation.  What a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive.

If I were the wife, I would like to know.  And I won't let my husband escape from his responsibilities.  Kung may legal case na kasi yan, mahirap nang itago pa yan. Chaka niloko na nga nya nung una, lolokohin pa ulit nya by keeping the truth from the wife?

Good luck to your friend.  He really needs it.  But knowing na may anak na si friend mo at wife, I don't think hihiwalayan sya ng wife nya.

[mdy]

@janeblaze,project: Yun nga yun isa pang problem ng friend ko. Yung babae mejo scandalosa. She sends picture of the kid and way back, mahilig gumawa mg eksena. Natatakot yung friend ko na baka hiwalayan sya and sa sasabihin ng family ng wife nya. Pati na din sa future nila.

@reservoirdogs: malaki kasi possibility na hiwalayan sya kasi nung nangyari to before they got married, nakikipaghiwalay na sa kanya si wife. Buti nalang at nabuntis kaya ayun nagpakasal. Pero the wife doesn't know nga about the pregnancy back then pero had she known about this, baka kahit buntis na din sya makikipaghiwalay sya. Eto pa, my friend's family know all about this and walang nagsasalita kahit isa so feeling ko his wife will feel betrayed super hirap ng situation nya and we feel sorry for them.

[ReservoirDogs]

^

Maybe the family of the guy is trying to spare the wife from the hurt and the pain.  Not that it makes it any better.  But yeah, I think the wife will get angrier pa and baka mapabilis pa yung decision nya makipaghiwalay.

Well if the wife decides to file for legal separation, then the guy has to respect that.  I still think the guy should tell the wife. Gagawa-gawa sya ng kalokohan, di nya ngayon kayang panindigan.  Every action has a corresponding consequence; hindsight is 20/20 pero sana naisip yan nung guy bago sya nakipaglandian dun sa kabit.

[janeblaze,project]

hmm now that's a problem sis if this girl is eskandalosa. Sana naman your friend's wife would know the meaning of those vows they  made when they  got married, if it's worth fighting for dapt she should stand by the husband lalu  if there are kids involved mahirap akse effect  ng ganyan and worst case scenario  parents who seperate ways it has impact  on the kids 

mas maganda na masabi na ng guy  friend mo  sa wife nya ang prob before sa iba pa marinig kase mas masakit yun sa wife .

[tamarind26]

I agree with the others. The sooner he tells the wife, the better. Whatever the consequence, magpakalalaki siya at tanggapin niya. Painful to the wife yes, but mabuti na yung alam ng asawa kasi she deserves to know the truth.

[twelvth_goddess]

Skeletons in the closet will never really go undiscovered.

It's easier said than done but the sooner he tells his wife, the sooner it is that he will know the fate of their marriage. It's not an easy news to break because it isnt as if the 'illegimate' kid was sprung on him like a jack in the box. He has known it all this time and it will break anyone's heart to know that a big secret like this was just hiding behind the curtains.

It's sad to say that poor choices made in the past still have consequences in the future. That, your friend has to face. If his wife decides to leave him (temporarily or for good), that's her choice and she is very well entitled to it because trust is something that's not easy to bring back. If kids are involved, it's always a tricky part because you know that the moral thing to do is to not involve the kid pero we all have human emotions, masakit tanggapin yan. If I were in the situation, I will never want my husband to be involved with the kid. Selfish kung selfish pero we have a daughter too and I wouldnt want to hurt my daughter just because of my husband's foolish decisions.

How young is the kid? Escandalosa daw yung other woman? So parang bina-blackmail sya ganyan? Hay, it's a very tough situation. On one fine day pag ako binigla ng ganyang news, I swear baka makapatay ako

Right now your friend needs a whole lot of guts, luck, and divine help. He needs to start cleaning up his mess properly and not just put them all in a closet until they explode. I hope he takes it one day and one issue at a time. The best thing to do first is tell his wife. Whatever his wife's decision may be, he needs to accept that. He may also want to consult legal help too. I wish him luck and sana maayos nila. But above all, I hope he has learned his lesson.

[moonie]

Your friend should tell his wife.  Malalaman din naman ng wife.  Better it come from him and soon too.  Mas mapapatawad siya ni misis if he explains what happened tutal alam naman ni misis na nagkaroon sila ng affair nung babae before sila kinasal.  Also the kid from the other girl deserves support or at least be acknowledged by the father.  Walang kasalanan yun. 

[ayami]

aminin na lang nya tutal gaya nga ng sabi ng karamihan dito magkakabukingan din yan. kung forgiving naman si wife, magiging ok din ang lahat. kawawa rin naman yung bata kasi may legal rights din sya. ganon din nangyari sa MIL ko e, pero tinanggap nya nang buo yung half sister ng hubby ko. in fact, pinatira nya pa sa kanila at pinaaral ng high school and college later on. in the end, okay silang lahat. super close pa yung kids sa half sister nila. sana ganon din yung wife ng friend mo.

[mdy]

I think his other kid is already 4 or 5 years old. Ang gusto lang daw nung other woman is to acknowledge the child kasi naghahanap na daw ng daddy Mashado na matagal nya tinatago and dinadala to. And just like evrybody else here, yun lang din siguro ang ma-a-advice ko sa kanya na wag na nya i-prolong pa.

[aquacharly]

I have a friend who is happily married


The dilemma of my friend now is that naghahabol na yung girl. At least kilalanin lang yung anak. I'm not sure kung humihingi ng sustento pero parang may legal case na daw.

My friend doesn't know what to do. Hindi nya alam kung kailangan or paano nya ipapaalam sa wife nya yung kid.

 Kung kayo yung wife ng friend ko, how will you react?

 Dapat na ba sabihin ng friend ko yung situation sa wife nya?

 Eh baket ka pa mag court case?  Kuno, to give the child a surname, to make her know her real pop.  Sure, but  bottom line: kelangan ng financial  support -- for many more years to come.

Dapat na ba sabihin ng friend mo? 
Well, he can wait until he receives the court docs he must reply to.
Tell your friend:  Ano bang claseng question yan?  Can he fool himself into  thinking his wife will never find out?  Wala ba syang Lola na nagbanggit sa kanya:   "  Walang secreto na  hindi nabubunyag"?  "Basura ngang binaon,   sisingaw at sisingaw din." Bow.

How will I react?  Is that relevant?  How can your friend determine his wife's reaction from a survey?
 IMO,  how she will react will be greatly influenced  by how well he markets himself as a very penitent person with a commitment to her happiness.  Yung script na:  I am more heartbroken to bring this into your life; but I promise on my mother's head to make you only happy till the day I die. Peksman. bow.
IF he is Committed to his promise or not... Hehe, that is another question for later.

If a BFF seeks my advice under such circumstances, I will tell her to be pragmatic.
She should accept sooner than later that:
     1.  Even to The Undeserving,  puedeng mngyari that  Sh1t  hits the fan: it has hit.  So don't wail  unnecessarily.  History cannot be re-written. 
      2.  Her husband will provide that 1st kid financial support -- for many years to come.  So, minimize the impact of that on family resources.  Baka isipin ng Other Mom -- ah, rich = big sustento!  So, get a lawyer whose specialty includes child support cases. Give the barest he can get away with vis-a-vis the courts.  See, mas madali mag add sa sustento later on.   
(Not to be mean, but that  kid is entitled to her father's resources, but not to his wife's di ba)


   
     

[mdy]

^Actually he just asked me and my husband for an advice. He knows no survey can determine yung magiging reaction ng wife nya. As much as he doesn't want to hurt his wife (again), I know he has no other choice but to let her know. Siguro he's just waiting for the "right" time. And hopefully hindi malaman ni wife sa iba. Mabait naman yung wife, pero I don't think may wife na magiging mabait pa kung all this years, her husband is hiding something from her. What's worst is tao yung tinatago. Sabi ko nga sa kanya expect for the worst but keep your faith na maaayos pa nila. And sinabi ko din what you've suggested na "to market himself as a very penitent person" and he must be truly sincere with it.

[twelvth_goddess]

All this time that he confides in you (and probably other friends and family) isnt very helpful at all too. I think he's psyching himself too much (or gathering guts, maybe) but I hope he realizes na if his wife knows that YOU know (and some others maybe), mas makakadagdag yan sa wrath ni wife. Imagine the embarassment of being the 'last person to know' this secret. IMO, wala naman right time to break that kind of news. It is what it is, he just needs to say it. Easier said than done, but that's the reality.

[m_lim]

depende yan sa tolerance ng friend mo.

may mga tao kayang tanggapin, merong hindi.

kasi, kasi, wala talagang sicretong hindi nabunbunyag. kapalaran ang gagawa ng paraan.

[skrumian]

It is really a big trouble but your friend needs to be man enough to stand for his kid, illegitimate as he/she may be.

pero ingat lang kase lahat ng naghahabol sa pagkakaalam ko eh pera lang din naman ang gusto.

[TysLolakins]

husband must tell the wife the whole situation, no more omissions and no more denial.

my dad had the same story, nagkaanak sa labas, when my mom found out, she was mad of course.
anyway, dad provided for the boy what he can, meaning he didn't get it from the family budget.
his legacy to my half-bro is to recognize him as his son to allow him to come here in the states as an immigrant.

[Mommy•Shey]

If ever ako nasa kalagayan nung wife ng friend mo, siyempre magagalit ako, worst baka hiwalayan ko pa lol! Kasi dapat sinabi na niya sakin nung una palang, baka napatawad ko pa siya at natanggap ko pa yung anak niya.

[mrs.trish]

I'm in a quite similar situation. My hubby impregnated a girl who then married someone else (it happened before he met me). In other words, sa ibang guy ipinangalan ang bata. After we got married, hubby lost contact w/ the girl and the child (as far as I know).

We've been married for more than 2yrs but still not blessed w/ a child. Lately, hubby told me that he wants to meet the child kasi daw natatakot sya na paglaki ng bata baka kamuhian sya kasi hindi manlang sya nagpakilala. Syempre nahurt ako kasi parang pinamumukha nya sa akin ang kakulangan sa marriage namin kasi hindi ko pa sya nabibigyan ng anak samantalang may anak na sya sa ibang babae. Sabi ko sa kanya pareho nang tahimik ang buhay nila nung girl pati nung bata bakit pa nya guguluhin. I know that the real reason why he wants to see the kid is he is yearning for a child. I'm not giving up on ttc. I so want to have a child of my own.

Am I being selfish for not wanting to let the child in to our relationship? Ayoko lang kasing guluhin pa ang situation namin. 

[aquacharly]

You are not selfish, but apprehensive about the future ramifications thereof.

Let's look at your hubby's wishful initiative... 
Is it really just up to your hubby to establish a relationship with his biological kid? 
What  do/will the parents say to that?   Your hubby, IMO, has less clout than the man his kid recognizes now as her/his daddy. 
Does the "dad" know the biological father isn't him?  Regardless, he is the daddy now.
Won't the kid be confused/conflicted? 
Don't psychologists advise to reveal the whole truth WHEN the kid inquires (so, is assumed to be ready for the truth?).

Do not worry until it is time to worry.
How that kid will impact your lives, you can fine tune along the way -- assuming your hubby does get his wish of establishing a relationship granted.  Is the kid carrying his surname?  If not, legally -- what is his right to the kid?  IF I were the mom of the kid, I am not gonna let your hubby rock my marriage & kid (unless well, I desperately need financial help raising the kid).

IMO, it is less pagmumukha sa yo about your current zero kids, but more of his guilty conscience telling him he may have shaken off his responsibility earlier on, but there is a day of reckoning or a day in his old age when he himself eh will tell himself  "tinimbang  ka, nguni't  kulang" .
Now, MRS.TRISH --  do not take as your own burden, the mistakes of others.  It is your hubby's mistake, it is his burden.  Do NOT let him slide it to you.  Do not blame yourself. Hello. 
Be neutral/supportive about his initiative.  How far can he go with it?  Be realistic now.  Basta hwag ka cocontra -- IMO, he is not likely to ever be satisfied with any relationship terms the couple/parents dictate -- so make sure you do not set yourself up now for future Misplaced Aggression at ikaw pa seen by your hubby as the contravida in his moromoro.  Hello.

Let him ruminate. Let him pursue it.  Stay graciosa  and loving to him. Do not stress yourself out.
It's not like he is returning to  an old relationship with an ex. 
Do not hold your life nor breath waiting to get pregnant.  There is so much more to Life & Time.