How to end a 12-year relationship??

[spitfire]

As a friend I am struggling as well.. I see her cry everyday, mourn everyday.. she can't function well, shes like ghost in the office..  her family & friends are all worried, her fiancee is in panic (they will be married in 6 months time).. I dont know what to advice..  she already made up her mind.. she is no longer happy.. she wants to end it.

We just got close when we moved overseas (same company back home and here). I know she has this super long time boyfriend and I can see that she was very happy, her bf visited her last year and seems to me like a perfect relationship. She announced her engagement last December and we are all so happy FINALLY... until recently she said that shes tired and no longer excited about everything she cant marry the guy, there is no third party (Im sure of this) she's not ready yet and she does not want to make him wait.. he already waited too long.

I found out that for the past 12 years their life revolves with each other.. they guy does not have other friends aside from her friends.. they have same group of friends, same activities, same habits, same like almost everything.. she thought she can't live a life on her own without him.. she told me that there were coupe of times she wanted to end up the relationship because she wants to do things on her own terms but her boyfriemd will just stay outside their home from evening to dawn until she comes out and change her mind (wagas ito sis!!). Her parents will get angry because she allows her to suffer like that so, sometimes she has no choice but to go back.

When she moved overseas, she told me she realized she can do things on her own and its okay to get lost around, be stupid and end up failing without anyone patching up her flaws.  She told me she can't believe she can live without him and she is happy. She was in deep stress the past few weeks because she can't see the future after marriage.. She told me she is not sure if he still loves tha guy or maybe the love was already gone a long time ago but it was just the need of him that is pulling her back. And now that she found out that she can live without him she felt free and she is happy with the new found freedom. When I asked her why did she agree to push thru the wedding, she thought its the best way to save everything and to bring back the old feelings but it was no use. she had a change of heart.

But now her fiance doesnt want to let her go. He contacted all of thier friends and family and asked them to help him change her mind. He even told my friend he is willing to wait AGAIN. If she does not want to communicate for years thats fine with him but he cant give her up. He will not let her go.
Her fiance already booked a flight to go here and win her back but according to my friend its over.. she cant marry him.. not now..

She always come to me as if I am her lifeline.. I don't know what advice to give her.. I was not there during the 12 years.. her friends, family are hurting he is hurting and so is she.. But what can we do? I told her to always choose the right thing.. try to ease the pain of breaking his heart by guiding him all through out but it seems he cant let go and I totally understand if he wont. She told me she will not contact anyone for now but I told her she will make them all worried since she is very far..

Panu ba to mga sis.. what do you think is the best way to handle this? As a friend or if you were in her shoes. I always pray that God he will give me the wisdom to say the right words to her so I can help her.. help them.. but this is so difficult.. I am the only one who knows her situation right now here.. (

[saiachie2023]

sis napakahirap nga ng situation ng frend mo..

though ive never been in a relationship for that long (12 yrs... O_o) i can feel her pain..

siguro ang maaadvice ko lang sa frend mo is PRAY TO GOD..

there is no impossible with God.. hingi siya ng Signs.. kung sila talaga ng bf niya kahit ano pang
iwas gawin niya God will make a way para maibalik un dati nilang samahan..

pero if it is not God's will, then let God ease the pain.. in time.. in His Perfect time..

 i believe kasi na IF GOD CAN MOVE A MOUNTAIN.. IF GOD CAN RAISE A DEAD.. God can HEAL THEIR BROKEN HEARTS.. in his PERFECT TIME..

(pasensya na kung ito lang na suggest ko)

[chianti]

As her confidante, you can't be bias. Try to be objective whenever she discusses her issues. Also, ask her why she fell in love with her fiance in the first place. Could it be that she's just getting overwhelmed with her newly found freedom? Getting married doesn't have to mean losing all your freedom. The fact that she stayed in the relationship for 12 years means something. Advise her to talk to her fiance and tell him everything about this uncertainty. Who knows, the fiance will be more than happy to support her endeavors.

[aquacharly]

Tell her:  when in doubt, don't. 
12 years is a long enough time to know herself --  if  she can gamble marrying her bf/not.

[gab54]

tama lang na hindi matuloy ang kasal. much as kawawa ang fiance dahil nag antay siya ng 12yrs sa wala, unfair din naman if mapipilitan ang girl na ituloy just bec everyone expect her to "do the right thing". if pilitin nila magpakasal, they wont be happy anyway, baka in the end magkahiwalay din. kung ako ang friend, i will support my friend sa kanyang decision. no one should be forced to get married!

[cinammon_swirl]

hi sis.. my BF came from a 10 year relationship(26 years old na si BF ngayon).. ON their tenth year (last 2010), nag abroad ang ex gf nya. That was the only time na naexperience nya din ang freedom dahil for the past 10 years, kay ex gf nya lang umikot ang mundo nya. Same as your friends situation, his friends are only the friends of his ex gf.. Wala sya ibang friends. Their families were just waiting for them to get married. But he told me that maybe kaya nag abroad ang ex nya (GF pa nya that time) because maybe it's one way for him to realize that his world cannot revolve around her ONLY. Also, dun nya lang daw narealize na sobra na din ang pag uugali ng ex GF nya for still wanting him to be available 24/7 for her although she's abroad (My bf said for the past 10 years his ex gf did not trust him).

So just an advice, you can ask your friend if meron bang attitudes si bf nya na hindi nya din gusto and for the past 12 years ay tinitiis niya. I'm sure she has her reasons. And just tell her to PRAY because it could help her clear her mind. If she is already ALREADY decided, then tell her to contact everyone involved para hindi din sila hanging with her decision. Pray for your friend sis to help her make the right choice! =)

[Foodict]

The couple needs to talk first and foremost. Its their problem to resolve. Its their 12 years at stake. Let them sort it out and the best you can do as her best friend is to advise and support her. You can't  be her crutch too.

[ishopnowfeelguiltylater]

seems like a nice guy.. wag naman sana siya maging si poor guy.

seriously, I feel for the guy. mahirap makahanap ng ganyan. mas matimbang ba talaga kay girl ang new found freedom than keeping this guy?

[HoldingOn]

Hi TS,

I've been in a 12-year relationship too, when my then bf aka fiance (we've already booked some wedding suppliers) broke up with me through a phone call pinoy henyo style! Pinoy henyo kasi yes or no lang sinabi niya sa akin! Haha! What happened with us? I do not know exactly since he never spoke with me personally! Nagkita na kami once, pero he just nodded. Oh di ba, san ka pa! Although ours was a third-party thing daw BUT I have a strong feeling, its more than that. I think he just simply fell out of love. I think what happened to my ex and your friend is somewhat similar. It could be that money and power changed them, it could be that freedom makes them happier, it could be that they are not really ready to enter into a married life. There are a thousand reasons what could have happened, but, simply stated, love just left them. It happens. Nothing in this life is permanent, not even relationships. People change, feelings change.

The best way to handle that? Be a listener. Maybe your friend just needs someone who'll listen to her heart. Pray for her enlightenment. In time, God will give her the wisdom that she needs. What to say? Whatever her reason is, for as long as she has a single doubt of entering into marriage, DO NOT MARRY!

With regards to the guy, just pray for him. He will cope up. He will get over this. Yes, it may be super painful, he may feel crushed, but this will all pass... in time. His Angels will take care of him. My Angels did 

[jenybasti]

12 yrs na din kami..sadly a month  before kami mag 12 yrs anniversary nagbago sya ng sobra.yun pala he's cheating on me.ang sama diba..since nasa abroad sya thru chat lang kami nag usap.hanggang sa naghiwalay kami.tapos after 1 day nakipagbalikan,nag sorry.hanggang sa nalaman ko na joke lang pala yung mga drama nyang yun..until now.tuloy tuloy pa din sya sa kalokohan nya
sabi ko sa kanya hinding hinde na ko uli papayag makipaghiwalay.ano after 12 yrs and after having 2 kids ganun na lang yun.maghihiwalay kami thru skype lang.though,ngayon di kami masyado nag uusap.dahil pag nag chat kami sumasama lang lalo loob ko sa kanya..and mukhang wala rin syang interest na makachat ako.pero nung kelan pinipilit nya ko mag OL..ayoko muna sya kausapin,baka sakaling marealize nya mga mali nya..hihintayin ko na lang pag uwi nya.kaya lang matagal pa  mga 1 yr pa.pero i'm hoping and praying na titigil na sya at ma rerealize nya na mahal nya pa din ako.at itatama nya mga pagkakamali nya....

[baliwsayo]

Hmm.. ireto mo siya sa iba? Hehe 

Seriously, there's nothing you can do but just to listen and be there whenever she needs someone to talk to. Nobody can resolve her problems but her.

[cynique]

mala-popoy & basha pala 'to! hehe. any how, i feel for the girl. but she's lucky she's got u. if you have a way to talk to the guy, advise him to give time & space to the girl. they both need it. once the girl has enjoyed her new-found freedom, she will surely miss the guy. as per boyz II men: even lovers need a holiday, faraway from each other. 

[1choi_ko9]

mala-popoy & basha pala 'to! hehe. any how, i feel for the girl. but she's lucky she's got u. if you have a way to talk to the guy, advise him to give time & space to the girl. they both need it. once the girl has enjoyed her new-found freedom, she will surely miss the guy. as per boyz II men: even lovers need a holiday, faraway from each other. 

naunahan mo ko sis...im about to say it....mala-popoy at basha ang story hehe

anyway, TS like sa story ni popoy and basha... ang tingin ko lang need ng friend mo right now is enlightenment. Since 12 years sila together it can only mean nawala sya sa mundo ng iba at na stuck sya sa mundo lamang nilang dalawa. It can be boredom with the relationship, but it also be finding herself. Ang mahirap kase dyan baka after nya marealize things wala na syang babalikan kase nagsawa na mag antay yung isa. Enlightenment and encouragement need ng friend mo sis. Actually just by listening to her is already a big help for her. And I believe yung fiancee nya and sya needs to talk.

Nangyari na rin yan sakin pero hindi 12 years. 2 years lang. I let my guy go for 3 months lang kase I need to rethink my self. And boom nung na rethink ko na sarili ko naging kami ulit but everything changed. Yung super sweet ways nya naging baliktad ako yung sweet sya hindi. Basta big change. But we ended up and everything changed for good. He has been the best father to my kids and husband as well. We may have our ups and downs since wala naman perfect relationship but naayos naman namin with God;s help and God's grace.

[av]

Any update to her kwento?

[airish_2]

just tell her that choose what makes her happy and pray wag pilitin kung ayaw talaga.

[enilec]

Wow. I can't believe how much I can relate to this. Ang masasabi ko lang siguro dito sis. It's very difficult to be with someone out of need. And it's also not good to stay with someone out of pity. Wala pa naman silang anak or something like that, which could make things extra hard to weigh. So kung gulong gulo na siya, she could simplify her thoughts that would lead to her decision. Does she still feel love for her fiance? If not, then that's it. Amidst all the complications around her, she can just choose to simplify things and follow her heart.

[lyon]

natuloy na ba ang kasalan? 

baka makahabol pa ko kahit sa comment man lang. hehe

sa tingin ko naman eh decided na si friend mo in ending the relationship. what bothers her is the guilt of what her bf feels about the break up. yun lang yun, yung guilty feeling kaya sya naiistress. take that away and she'll be more happier.

don't get me wrong here ha. di ko sinasabing wag syang maguilty, di naman talaga totally maaalis yun.

she just need to address the issue straight. tell him na wala na syang feeling and she can't see herself with him forever as a couple. tell him the good memories that they had but that's it. it will be just a memories to remember but will not be cherished as a couple anymore.

whatever happens after that is not of her business na. she just need to be fair. meron ngang magasawa na more than 25 years na eh naghihiwalay pa yun pa kayang 12 years lang na magBFGF.

yeah, i know madaming investment na mawawala, time and money. let's say she just lost in the gamble and doesn't want to play it anymore and lose everything. 

[chelvin26]

In my own opinion lang ah. I felt that way na din kasi before. and I choose to broke up with my bf. Simply I want freedom and I am enjoying things without him. I can live my life without him, after three months of no communication. I ended up with him pa din. I missed him that much. Maybe sis your friend needs time and space to realize things. Mahirap kasi i let go yang 12 years na yan. kahit sabihin na na fall out of love, masakit pa rin yun kapag naghiwalay sila. she will surely miss the guy.. Always pray to God for guidance. God bless