I'm sad fleeting to this thread. Yet I made a stop because I'd rather confide to strangers than to any of my friends or family.
My husband and I are on the brink of parting ways. We've only been married for 5 years, we have 2 lovely kids. Just a few days ago, I asked for some space but technically we were apart already since he is working in the other part of the country while I and the kids are just fine busy with our daily routine.
My husband had a long history of cheating to me during our bf-gf stage. And I cringe every time those memories come rushing through. Despite of all the trauma he deliberately made I married him. He's my first, yep, first in everything. And at one point during my rationalization, it crossed my mind that maybe, maybe I just married him for fear of not finding anyone else to love me. I was disappointed to myself and I desperately wanted to work it out with him and so the story goes. He promised to change. 3 months after the wedding, a situation came up, my world shattered upon reading all sorts of emails from past GF, f*** buddies, and I was surprised to realize that some of the emails were sent a few months before the wedding. Too late to step back and heaven knows that I'm always good at swallowing my pride, poke at my dignity and just accept the fact that I can't back out anymore. Our kids made it easier for me and I knew then I forgave him for what he has done.
The first 3 years were fine, maybe because we don't talk it out when we have some problems. He'd often say that I'm very controlling. I have to admit I'm bossy, or maybe it's just his insecurity for the fact that he opted to work for my father rather find something else. And in line of that, everything we have as of now, it all came from father. And honestly, I despises this reality. But again, I'm no nagger, more often than not it's him who says a lot and I always find myself asking him to zip it. Most of the time we just drown into sex and just forget about the need to straighten out things.
Snapping back to the present, here I am, cold and confuse again. An ex of him emerges (she's a common friend and I like her company so I thought that there is no harm letting her come close to us, letting her attend my kid's party, meeting up with her, her son and her current bf (she's a battered wife, her man left her for good). I have access to my hubby's FB for the reason that the page was originally mine and I hissed in disapproval at the idea of him using my "then-FB account" so I just gave it to him and made my own. Few days ago I scratch the itch of checking my "then-FB account" and lo and behold messages from this ex about some business thingy slapped my face. Well I somehow expected it remembering the last awkward meeting we had with her and some friends. I overheard them talking about it and pretend I don't care and somehow I knew I really don't care. It's weird but I trust the girl more than i trust my husband
So I let it go, not a word from me besides, it's not like they're having sex in their FB conversation. Sadly, the Nancy Drew in me cared a lot. So, I found my self again in my "then-FB account" to check if there's any progress in the business conversation, oh boy, oh crap, all the messages between them were gone! The last time I was in this situation is 3 months after our wedding when I asked him I need to use his yahoo to get some pictures and his "inbox" is surprisingly zeroed out. I thought it was odd to find it that way and so i checked the "trash box" and that's how i found all the dirty emails. But boy, back to reality, FB has no trash box, that's double crap for Nancy D. Things were not okay for the past 2 yrs of marriage, I screwed up my part time job at the family business, I got into big fight with my dad and my brother for defying their favorite employee, my own business is a mess because of a business partner who apparently is set to destroy my career.
Eventually, with the amount of time given to us, plus the many pride I swallowed (I got too many applaud for doing this), all the mess I've mentioned got straightened out except for my marriage. I brought to his attention that the Nancy Drew in me went out for some snooping and raised my brow on the "now gone" FB messages between him and her ex. He said he just don't want to start a problem and that he knew I can access his FB so he erased it all leaving one safe conversation. The hell I know! I told him I've read the business thingy conversation but after that no more, only two, one from him and one from her ex replying to his congratulatory remark about her boy which even made my eyebrow arched more because knowing my husband even a simple thank you for some stranger's act of kindness is not in his vocabulary. A nod will do but more than that, it'll be a miracle.
I might be over reacting but he's got history plus the ex admitted to me that I'm lucky I got him (her ex) and who makes an effort to keep in touch with him, what can anybody expect from me? I told him I don't want any of his crap anymore yet here we are again. All the memories of me and one of his persistent ex flooded me. That other ex kept sending messages to him and we got into confrontation mode. The girl wants to be friends and even threatened me that my husband might suffocate if I hold him like that not allowing him to be friends with his past. To hell with her smart mouth, their flirty photos I found in the email back then told me she's up to no good.
Okay, so this isn't actually not just the issue. I'm not sure if it's the distance or what but all these crap are not just the reason I blurted out to him that I'm not sure I still can work out this marriage with him and that i need some time to process everything. It is because I'm afraid that the flame died down inside me. And it's tiring. For one moment I felt the need to take care of myself and I'm annoyed that I wasted too much time. But the kids, the kids are the reason why moving on a failing marriage is so hard for me. I don't even want to ask my husband to change anymore, or be matured,or be careful or don't hurt us, not even reprimand him from keeping in touch with the ex, I just simply told him I'm tired and that I don't love him enough now to make the move of working things out with him. Now he's making me feel guilty that he's feeling betrayed to find out that I still hold grudges from his past mistakes. I didn't intend to relive it with him but it happened when I'm trying to explain his last action from this current ex to whom he is dealing with is simply not acceptable.
Right now, I'm on the brink of a decision, whether to shrug it off and caged the Nancy Drew in me and just move on with our marriage since I am already used to this or maybe it's time for me to take care of myself now. But it's weird, it's weird that the intense love I had for him is gone. It's more like I love him because he is the father of my kids but can someone beat the stupidity in me if by any chance I am just being O.A.
