Dear Dhee-Dhee,
No I don't have a blog. For one because I don't know how to set up one. For two, because I prefer to post in chat forums like this one of Female Network, and another online magazine that is also owned by JG Summit. That way, when I see the thread title and the posts, I get an idea what topic I am to write on. Feel free to read all my posts that started since late March 2010. Just click on my username, then click on "show posts."
Now I will discuss another concern - Issues with In-Laws
I too started as a young wife who, even if we set up our own home (we rented a house), I had a lot of my in-laws - my husband's siblings, his parents - staying with us. No they are not the kind who offer to help with household chores. Yes, I have had to wash their clothes too, and mind you we did not yet have a washing machine that time - I had to wash by hand. Yes I went to work eventually, thinking I could "escape" having to attend to them e.g. well if I am not home by 7pm they should well be able to prepare their own meal, but it couldn't be like that since I had a toddler, that is, unless I brought our toddler with me to my office which was quite often then - just so I could get away from having to cook dinner and wash up and clean up, alone, despite a tiring day in my office.
Yes, I also had a lot of issues with them but I never did directly hold the mirror to their faces. I instead would tell my husband about it, and eventually it became one of the thorns on the "side of our body of marriage relationship" especially during those times when I perceived the he was taking their sides and not mine even when he knows I am right. Those were the times when his siblings, younger than he was, were fresh college graduates and they would come to Manila to find work. They were a burden to us - since they were additional mouths to feed, and people I must "serve." I eventually arrived at an agreement with my husband - as soon as his sibling found work, that sibling should financially contribute to our finances, albeit only a nominal amount AND just because they were contributing, they thought that they were already boarders and they soon also were refusing to help wash the dishes etc.
My husband and I eventually agreed that we would transfer to a much smaller house where only our small family would fit. But still, when his dad - they were a large brood, 7 in all and my husband was the 2nd - would ask that we please allow another sibling to come live with us, he would ask my husband, and my husband would just say yes, and then just tell me. I would refuse to try to find room for another additional body, since our small house only had 2 rooms, each about 4 feet by 4 feet, and in one room we already had 1 double deck and 1 single bed where his siblings stayed, while our family stayed in the other room with tight legroom what with one queen bed and one single bed!
I liked to think that I should be the queen of my own home, after all we were not living with them, but my husband has a helper personality and he could not say no! We even ended up being the caretaker of one of his sisters who got pregnant while still in high school! What was so insulting was that my PILs did not even ask me if I was amenable to it; they asked only my husband, who of course said yes. That was when I blew my top and I said that was the last straw. After my SIL had given birth, I asked my husband to learn to say no. He agreed, but he was angry.
Me, I was no longer as willing to be the workhorse in my own home, especially as my husband and I were also already having problems over infidelity, and various forms of abuse - emotional, psychological, etc. - but I never did discuss these concerns with my in laws either.
But one thing I was consistent about, I did not address my in laws about my concerns with them - I would instead tell my husband and I would ask him to do something about it.
In many wellness and relationship websites, you will find discussions about how to address concerns with in laws. It turns out that I was doing it correctly: The adult child should be the one to speak to his/her parents about his/her spouse's concerns.
I have been married to my husband for almost 37 years now, and during the intervening years, we have gone down the abyss of desperation, but we managed to climb out by doing a marriage healing program. We worked what we learned in the program, and as we start our twilight years, we have cleaved back to each other, and we now walk together along the road of forgiveness, making amends and healing. Among the issues and concerns we were able to resolve were those over my ILs and how my husband had addressed them, and, he now accepts that I had rarely been his priority, as is rightful of a spouse, during those years. But he is making amends now - I am his priority, and I know it, see it and feel it.
Why am I talking about all these? I just wanted you to see that we all share similar issues with ILs, as spouses who are either stay at home or who work and then still attend to home needs, regardless whether it is you who live with them or them who live with you. I also wanted you to know that there can be more worst issues than those one may have about ILs. What is important is that you be firm and determined about where you want to be - being the wife of the man who married you, even when he seems to be still cleaved to his family of origin instead of to you, and/or have become wayward and has focused his sights on some other woman or many other women.
In the end, when you get to my age and look back, you will know that even if you got bent and swayed by many storms in your life and often had your leaves shorn, you persevered and derived your strength and courage from prayers and your firm belief in your marriage being lifetime and exclusive. What is important is you continued to stand where you are - being the wife of the man who married you. THEN you will be as thankful - and as proud - as I am today. And you won't mind talking about how it was in the past, no matter how ugly hahaha!
So forge on, and make those small daily decisions. You do know you will overcome those irritations, issues and concerns, as long as you stay focused and cleave to the man you chose to marry, warts and all.
Mommy Fe
