It is the general "belief" that people are not trained for marriage, since it is not taught in school or even talked about much at home, but this is a mistaken belief.
As children, we learned from what we saw. And among the things we saw was how our parents related to each other, how they behaved with each other, how they resolved their issues and concerns, how they punished us, how they addressed issues with us, etc. We also observed the same things in others - relatives, neighbors, friends, etc. - how they managed their relationships, with each other, and with us. As we grew into adults we also developed into persons with specific wants and needs, expectations, interests, values and ideals.
The family, the household we lived in as we grew up into adults was the first and foremost "training ground" for us. The neighborhood, our friendships etc. next. We become adults and develop attitudes and opinions about relationships; we learned and made theories and some "futuristic" decisions e.g. paglaki ko ganyan din ang gagawin ko, pag ako ang may asawa hindi ko tutularan yun, gaya niya ang gusto kong mapangasawa - in fact at around age 5 or 6 we would have by then declared that we (girl) wanted to marry our dads, or we (boy) wanted to marry our moms, etc.
Then when we marry, the proximity of the other person highlights to us how different we are compared to the one we married, in terms of wants, needs, expectations, interests, values and what we value (our priorities) and ideals. Things like he likes to sleep with all lights off, you want a pilot light. He wants all windows open, you want the windows closed. He does not like to eat vegetables that often, you like your vegetables even at breakfast. He snores in bed, you bundle up with all the blankets and all the pillows. He likes the bathroom dry and leaves the toilet seat up, you hang your undies on the shower curtain rod and you want the toilet seat up down, always. He seems to neglect introducing you to friends and associates that he unintentionally sees in the supermarket, you expect that he should introduce you. He expects sex every night in the early morning, you don't "feel like it" in the morning but you do want to do it just before you go to sleep. You want him to tell you of how his day went, he thinks it is like he is reporting to you all that he did while he was not within your line of sight. And more.
Those differences could even be greater if you come from another region or country, speak another language, are used to specific types of food. THAT is when we will need to make small decisions each and every day:
- do I adjust or do I stand firm
- do I insist on what I want or do I consider what he/she needs
- is it really practical for me to have that expectation
- can I include my spouse in the pursuit of my interests and how can I do that
- am I willing to reconsider my values such that my spouse is always first in my list - as I promised in my wedding vows
- is it possible that what I think I value is actually just an ideal
etc. etc
No, it is not true that you have not been trained for marriage. You were. Since childhood.
All the best,
Mommy Fe
