does acceptance mean you have to sacrifice something

[cbt28]

hello sisses..

I'm not yet married, but I really chose to post here because I want to seek advices from you who have experienced the "real things" after the wedding rationally. Kasi doon na rin naman ang punta namen (hopefully). I want to make the BEST decision of my life now. Siguro i can say na nasa point ako ng decision making that will affect my lifetime kaya gusto kong magdecide nang TAMA. I can't open up all these with my family kasi gusto ko rin protektahan ang bawat isa sa amin. Iba na kasi pag may family's opinions involve, minsan nagiging biased.

I am with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, and engaged for 1+years. Since he is still fulfilling his professional goal, that's why we still can't decide if we can push thru the wedding this year.

Here is my dilemma now. Is it normal to feel the fear of living together with him for the rest of your life before your wedding? Should you just feel all the excitement after your engagement? Because really, that's what I'm feeling right now, natatakot ako na baka maging malungkot ako for the rest of my married life with him. He has bad temper kasi, ang dali niyang mainis, e ako naman yung tipong babae na napaka-sensitive at weak, konting sigaw mo lang sa akin, I will really get hurt because siguro hindi ko nakitang ganon parents ko, especially my Daddy, I really never heard nor saw him getting mad with my Mommy, I could not help but make them my as "standards". Then there were couple of times na he has hurt me physically (mild lang but still my point is pinatulan niya ako) because I hurt (I first did) him due to my severe anger towards his madness, and that was his reaction towards my "brutality" (though that was just a pinch with anger), could I call it defense mechanism for his part? Does his action justifiable? And pag nag-aaway kame, kahit in public he shouts at me, ako siyempre nahihiya makipag-away in public, pero siya, he does not care of the people around him basta mailabas niya yung sama ng loob niya (how much more with "our future kids", in case, does it mean we can also shout in front of our kids?!). Tapos, when I nag (that's how he calls it but I don't consider it nag kasi hindi naman ako pala-sigaw, or I am just being biased), galit na rei siya at hindi na rin niya ako papansinin. At the end, ako na rin ang lalapit at mag-aapologize. One instance, pag nalalate siya sa usapan namin at siyempre ako, medyo naiinip na rin sa paghihintay, magtatanong ako, "bakit ka nalate? diba may usapan tayo?"; with that, inis na siya, cold war na yan. His point was, hindi ko raw muna siya pinarating sa bahay at pinakain bago ko siya bungaran ng ganon. Is he justifiable? And pag galit siya, ala siya talagang pakialam sa akin. Just like one instance, when we were heading to our destination (abroad), magkagalit kame noon (because of his lateness again), na-over-baggage ako, ala pa rin siya pakialam noon, we have only one e-ticket, after he has checked-in, hindi man lang niya ibinigay sa akin yung ticket, e paano naman ako magche-check-in? Yes, he let us seat separately sa flight, tama ba naman yun? Alam naman niyang mahiluhin ako sa biyahe at may tendency na mag-black out (kasi pag sobrang nerbyos due to turbulence, yan ang nagiging result sa akin, because of my unknown heart problem), pero iniwan niya akong mag-isa sa flight because he was mad at that time.

I am giving him benefit of the doubt right now, kasi andame niyang iniisip ngayon regarding his professional goal, medyo depressing na ren kasi yung situation niya, years na rin niyang ginugugol yung pag-angat ng career niya. Kaso, everytime na lang bang depressed siya, i have to suffer all his temperamental attitude? For all the married sisses, are all these normal sa marriage? Do you really have to understand and be patient?

I don't consider myself young enough, I'm in my late 20's na rin, maybe I can consider myself 30 na nga rin e.

I love him, YES! Without his bad temper, I can say na masaya kame as a couple. Should I just accept him with this? Ganon ba talaga, acceptance means you have to sacrifice something?

[chianti]

Having doubts is normal and healthy, but you have to be cautious. It seems to me that you're having a fundamental issue, his negative attitude nya towards you whenever a bad situation arises. I know this sounds cliche-ish but marriage is not always pleasant. There will always be moments where both of you will have to work hard for it and will require not just love but trust and respect in the relationship. Without it, mahirap mag survive ang kahit anong relasyon. 


Try to talk to him, understand why he's behaving that way. Ask yourself too, are you settling down because you want to spend the rest of your life with him, or is it because that is what is expected of you by everyone? From there, you might just get the answers you're looking for.

[sarsingkit]

the question you might want to ask yourself is are you willing to accept him for who he is. will you be able to tolerate/like/love his attitude FOREVER? kasi kahit drug addict pa yan, eh kung ok lang naman sayo and you think hindi nyo pag-aawayan yun eh di go. marriage is not easy, but of course you want to avoid getting into fights all the time. if you dont think you can handle the fights FOREVER then dont stay.

the misery lies on trying to change a man and a woman not remaining the same. imho, a man marries a woman thinking she is gonna be the same forever while a woman marries a man thinking he's gonna change.

[glamorosa_09]

My suggestion sis,

try to list his strengths and weaknesses. If his strengths outweighs the latter, then go. But be sure you can live with it for the rest of your life. There's no perfect husband or wife talaga.

Minsan I think, men can be like double-edged swords, nasa kanila yung mga qualities na gusto natin and yet nasa kanila rin yung mga ayaw natin. It's all about temperaments din. And mostly, opposite in personalities ang mag-asawa. Their vast differences can cause a lot of friction in marriage if you don't understand each other's personalities/temperaments. Sa totoo lang, may pagka ganyan ako sa fiance mo, ahihi... and yes it's something that I'm continuously working on. Our temperament kasi includes being impatient and short-tempered. Yung strengths naman driven, leader, strong etc.

You can try to talk to him naman tungkol sa mga napapansin mo and how it makes you feel.  Sana lang he's willing to improve himself for the betterment of your relationship. If not, mahihirapan ka talaga.

[yaskulet]

In my opinion - i visualize mo sarili mo sis na kasama siya habang buhay given his negative traits. if you can stand that, then go. pero if not, as earlty as now gawan mo ng paraan na wag kayo magkatuluyan. marriage is not all about love after all, baka pag sisihan mo yan habang buhay. just my 2 cents. be wise in making your decisions, check mo lang ang long-term effect.

[aquacharly]

CBT, let us make himay your issues/concerns ha? 

I love him, YES! Without his bad temper, I can say na masaya kame as a couple.

Do not waste your time on wishful thinking/hoping for what is gonna be difficult to achieve.  His ill temper is not gonna go away until he works hard at it, and commits himself to working hard on it .  Even if you allow him to run over you with his car everyday,  if he does not choose to reform himself... no dice, same same day in and day out, plastado ka lang.

Darling, are you listening  to yourself?  how can you say na  masaya kayo as a couple coz his bad temper already gives you  grief, anxiety and tension.   It is a glaring feature of your relationship that if you will only face Reality, eh it is what is making you unhappy as it is... NOW  already.

Should I just accept him with this?

Should you just accept?  Hello, darling tanggap na tanggap na tanggap mo nga eh. 
 Eh yan na nga ginagawa mo now di ba.  You were raised by a gentle father, you use the relationship of your parents as The Standard... so you are not clueless as to what is "the right relationship for CHB".  BUT ilang taon na nga ba kayo?  Yun, yun di ba "accept" mo na nga it is not the relationship nakasanayan mo, pero andyan ka pa rin..  moving each year nearer to a Contract that will bind you till 1 of you drops dead.

Ganon ba talaga, acceptance means you have to sacrifice something?

Don't fool yourself with such illogical thought equations.
Acceptance does not  mean you have to sacrifice, but it sure means you have to acknowledge and adjust/accommodate to the Past &/or  the Present for the Future.
Acceptance means you may not like what happened/is happening, but you understand. BUT understanding does not mean you will fold yourself  into defeat, and become a martyr.  NO.

My dear, what nga ba am I  trying to tell you ba?

1.  Face Your Reality. 
Do not make excuses for his bad behavior, do not give him the benefit of the doubt coz he sure isn't giving you any benefits of doubt.

2.  You are sitting on a train headed to disaster. 
There is now emotional and verbal abuse, it will both progress to physical abuse (we are not talking of self defense here, mind you). 

3.  Do not panic
nor think you have to settle for this guy who, not only falls short of  your standards, but strikes fear in your heart and makes you afraid of the future, just because you are in your late 20s.   
This is the 21st century... if gender no longer sets limits/boundaries  for a person's happiness, why should a number do so?  Age is just a number after all.

4.  Sure, prayers work miracles. 
But you shouldn't hold your breathe waiting for a miracle.. 

5.  This is a bad love story.  You do not have to live through it daily, nor even watch it.  Stand up, dust yourself, step away.

6.   Take care of yourself; no one else can do it better than you yourself.

[JINJIN:*]

as what they say "when in doubt don't"

so i guess my answer is NO. Dont do it.

Why? eh marami ka ngang questions eh. Marami kang hesitation, marami kang kinakatakutan. so i guess No is the right answer to your dilema.

Let me tell you a bit of my story. My husband is weaker then me in most aspect. Nakita ko na i can provide better than he can. When it comes to decision making mas firm ako, mas madiskarte. Which is dapat hindi diba. He has his own good points though. So suma tutal i can see myself being the provider in the future. When he asked me to marry..never did I doubt to say yes or NO. Ang alam ko sa sarili ko na pupunan ko ang pagkukulang niya and hindi ako natakot sa mangyayari sa future ko. After 6 years, napatunayan ko nga na I can provide better than him, he is flat broke now while I am financially in good condition, but did I ever regret marrying him? NO. If IGiven a chance to change my life..I wont and I will still marry him. Ganun ako kasigurado. Ang tanong nga eh...pera o bayong? kahit bayong yan..eh lalaban ako sa bayong. Ganun ata ang pagaasawa.

[m_lim]

^i agree. kanya kanya tayo ng tolerance kumbaga. walang perfect na husband kaya doon ka sa tingin mong kakayanin mo. kasi kahit anong advice sayo na huwag mong pakasalan yang fiance mo kasi magiging punching bag ang ending mo, kung sa tingin mo kaya mong masikmura ang ganong buhay, eh mag ggo ka pa rin. kaya ask yourself kung ano ba ang kaya mong itolerate sa buhay mo.

[Paperless]

Sa amin ni hubby, ako yung madaling magalit at masalita. But never ako nagsalita ng hindi maganda pag may ibang taong nakaharap kasi siempre kahit gano ako kagalit, dapat andun parin ang respect. Yun namang sa bf mo, expect mo na mas lalala pa yan pag mag-asawa na kayo. Mas marami kayong pagtatalunan... and kung sensitive ka pa, mas magiging mahirap yung situation ninyo. Sa akin kasi, sanay ang asawa ko na masermunan kasi nag iisang lalaki at bunso kaya pag galit ako he knows very well how to handle the situation. Isa pang worry ko, sabi mo na one time, nasaktan ka niya. I know some people na pag galit, nakakalimutan na nila lahat. For me, very alarming yon and you should try na pag-isipang mabuti yung pagpapakasal mo sa kaniya. Siguro ang magandang magagawa mo is list down all the negative things na hindi mo nagugustuhan sa kaniya and yung fears mo. Then talk to him. Makikita mo naman sa sagot niya if he is open na magbago. Pero siempre, sabi nga nila is mas posible pang pumantay ng bundok kaysa baguhin ang ugali ng isang tao. Madalas kasi pag mahal natin, kahit may nakita na tayong warning, dumidiretso parin tayo thinking na pwede naman yon mabago along the way. Yes, it may happen pero madalas sa mga movies na lang yon... mahirap talaga magbago. Ako mismo, I am trying my best na huwag magalit sa maliliit na bagay lang. Kaso mahirap talaga. There are times na kapag nakakapag isip isip ako, naaawa ako sa mister ko. Ang ginagawa ko, inaapproach ko siya talaga. Kaso kahit sabihin ko na hindi ko na uulitin, pag andiyan na eh ganun pa din nagagalit pa din ako. So try to be as open as possible sa feelings mo towards him.

[newbiedin]

there are things that both of you can meet half-way
there are things that you can let your partner have it their way even if you don't agree
there are things that you wan't it your way

what will you do about it will determine success in marriage.

@TS
at 30 better be free than to be sorry.
find your happiness, face your fear.

[ri-anne]

lam mo sis, better assess the situation well... Ask yourself, how much do i love him? Do i love him enough to accept his anger issues? kung dumating sa point na maging grabe ang galit nya, kaya ko ba? How much am i willing to take?

Of course i'm sure it's not all bad, right? Hindi naman siguro kayo tatagal ng 5 years kung walang mga happy moments.

Pero ang pag-aasawa, ibang level na yan eh. It doesn't matter how long you've been bf/gf, there will ALWAYS be the Adjustment Period. There will always be something na pagtatalunan... Time, money, kids, in-laws, whatever, you name it...will you be able to handle it kung ganyang mag-bf pa lang kayo, ganyan na sya, pano pa kung mag-asawa na kayo?

List mo [textspeak!] yung mga things you like & love about him, and things you don't like about him... Then from there timbangin mo na lang... Good luck and don't forget to pray for His guidance too

[rianne_mallows]

Here is my dilemma now. Is it normal to feel the fear of living together with him for the rest of your life before your wedding?

no. it's not normal. most people would say that they are UNSURE, or they're NOT YET READY.. you said you're AFRAID.. that's an entirely different story

natatakot ako na baka maging malungkot ako for the rest of my married life with him. He has bad temper kasi, ang dali niyang mainis, e ako naman yung tipong babae na napaka-sensitive at weak, konting sigaw mo lang sa akin,

natatakot kang MAGING malungkot for the rest of your life? hasn't it occured to you that you are not happy with your fiance? .. MALUNGKOT KA NA NGAYON PA LANG.. papatali ka pa?

Then there were couple of times na he has hurt me physically (mild lang but still my point is pinatulan niya ako) because I hurt (I first did) him due to my severe anger towards his madness, and that was his reaction towards my "brutality" (though that was just a pinch with anger), could I call it defense mechanism for his part? Does his action justifiable?

And pag nag-aaway kame, kahit in public he shouts at me,

is his action justifiable? no, i dont think so..
emotional, verbal and physical abuse anjan na ... go ka pa din magpakasal? sigurado ka?

Kaso, everytime na lang bang depressed siya, i have to suffer all his temperamental attitude? For all the married sisses, are all these normal sa marriage? Do you really have to understand and be patient?

it's not normal.. ang wife, hingahan ng sama ng loob.. hindi yung pinagbubuntunan ng sama ng loob.. dont mistake one for the other...   

I love him, YES! Without his bad temper, I can say na masaya kame as a couple. Should I just accept him with this? Ganon ba talaga, acceptance means you have to sacrifice something?

hindi ka masaya girl kasi kung masaya ka hindi ka magpopost dito ..
does acceptance means you have to sacrifice something? ang tanong,  ano ba isasacrifice mo?
pagkatao mo? happiness mo? respeto mo sa sarili? 

dont you think it's too high a price? ikaw? tingin mo ba iyan lang halaga mo?


if he doesn't make you feel happy,
if he doesn't make you feel secure,
if he doesn't make you feel respected,
if he doesn't make you feel loved
and
if he  makes you feel like a doormat,
if he  makes you feel afraid,
if he  makes you feel inferior

DUMP HIM!!! life's too precious to waste it with an ass

[guilleanne]

lam mo yung mga kasabihan na

"mag boyfriend pa lang kayo, ganyan na sya pano pa kaya pag mag asawa na kayo?"

pag mag asawa na kayo sis you get to witness your spouse's best and his WORST. So you can expect that it will worsen. hehe.

Don't marry and expect na magbabago sya. sabi nga love = sacrifice. accepting your partners for who he is and who he is not = love. so acceptance = sacrifice.

Picture yourself living with hime for the rest of your life, and then picture yourself living without him for the rest of your life? which paints a better future?

Pero ito ang mas tama in marriage there will be lots of sacrifices.

wala naman yatang tamang formula sa pag pili ng asawa may iba nga jan ang bait bait na bf, malambing tapos nung nag asawa na na tempt mambabae.

pero kung nagkamali ka man ng napangasawa, it should not be the end of the world for you. intay mo ako maging presidente para pirmahan ko na yung divorce bill.

[promises_bytes]

I don't think you should marry him. Mas madalas kayong magtatalo pag magasawa na kayo, minsan sobrang liit na bagay pagtatalunan nyo pa. Natural sa magasawa yun pero it doesn't mean na magsisigawan kayo o magkakasakitan. Nasaktan ka nya na minsan and don't let it happen again, it could be worse. Never ever let a man lay his hand on you.

[i_v_y]

i had a relationship like that too. may anger management si ex and i could say that it was the worst relationship ng buhay ko. kasi he brought out the WORST in me at to some point, naging violent na din ako towards him.

remember that song "love is just aint enough"? totoo yun sis when it comes to marriage. love will not solve all  the marital problems in the world. marriage is a mixed bag of everything. dito matetest and patience mo the highest level, the level that you have not experienced before. Hindi enough ang love para pakasalan mo ang isang tao.

Choosing the one to marry is one of the biggest and most important decisions that you will ever make. It will define your life in the future so be really careful. You are lucky kasi you are still in that stage, ako I regret na I didn't have friends or a family that should have told me things that I am telling you right now. Bago kasi tayo ikasal, super in love tayo sa mga jowa naten that we were blinded by that love although nakikita na naten yang panget na ugali na yan, sige pakasal pa din. Believe me when you get married, it is gonna get worst. Either it is going to be like that or hope that he will change after the wedding. You want to put a wager on that?

I also don't believe sa "this is me so accept me for who i am attitude" sa marriage. What i believe though is that marriage consists of a lifetime of changing for the better. You keep changing para laging sukat or sakto, o pasok sa banga ang pagsasama nio. Kung ikakasal ako ulet sa tamang tao, yan ang gusto kong ipangako sa kanya, that i will vow to change time and time again to for the better. Tulad ng asawa ko ngayon laging rason sa akin 'eh alam mo naman pala inom ako eh di tanggapin mo ako" That is really BS! Kung yun ang laging reason ng problema namen dapat magbago sia di ba? Goes with me as well.
 
Marriage has so much sacrifices to offer you, sana yung taong kasama mo tutulungan kang mabawasan yun at hindi sia maging dahilan ng pagdudusa mo.

Lastly, pray for it sis. Ask God if he is your "God's best". God wants the best para sa lahat naten, sia na ba ang God's best for you? More often than not, pinipilit naten kahit hindi  yung ang gusto ni God sa atin.

Engagement Ring --> Wedding Ring ---> Suffering
Asawa -->asa --> sawa --> awa -->wa   

(Note:the above may not be applicable to some  )

[tanya1109]

"when in doubt, don't" - AGREE!

Ayon nga sa kasabihan: Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kanin na isusubo at kapag napaso ka ay iluluwa.

Ang pag-aasawa kasi sis ay lifetime commitment, kaya dapat sigurado ka na sya ang gusto mong makasama habang buhay. Dapat nakikita mo yung future mo na kasama sya na MASAYA at hindi TAKOT yung nararamdaman mo. At lalong wag mong ibabase ang pag-aasawa sa tagal nyo ng mag bf/gf.

[JHOYROMY76]

For me, dapat wag mo ituloy..kaso madaling sabihin mahirap gawin..same tayo ng situation..ang kaibahan lang married na kami..at masyado na ko attached sa kanya..kaya kahit nahihirapan ako minsan sa sitwasyon namin, di pa rin ako makawala sa kanya..gusto nga ng mister ko na maghiwalay na kami dahil sa takot nya sa mga nagagawa nya pag nagagalit sya..di daw nya talaga kasi kontrolado..kaya ayaw mam nya gawin, nagagawa pa rin nya..ako naman, ayoko pumayag.

[bettyboop1322]

Same opinion with sisses here... If bf-gf pa lang ganyan na sya expect the worst pag married na kayo sis.

I am giving him benefit of the doubt right now, kasi andame niyang iniisip ngayon regarding his professional goal, medyo depressing na ren kasi yung situation niya, years na rin niyang ginugugol yung pag-angat ng career niya. Kaso, everytime na lang bang depressed siya, i have to suffer all his temperamental attitude? For all the married sisses, are all these normal sa marriage? Do you really have to understand and be patient?

I don't consider myself young enough, I'm in my late 20's na rin, maybe I can consider myself 30 na nga rin e.

I love him, YES! Without his bad temper, I can say na masaya kame as a couple. Should I just accept him with this? Ganon ba talaga, acceptance means you have to sacrifice something?

Sis, remove that helmet ASAP!  btw, february pa pala post mo baka natuloy na wedding nyo ha. Just because late 20s ka na you will settle with that guy? Please sis habang may time ka pa humanap ka ng iba. I think he's so selfish & inconsiderate...

[latte]

I have just read this post. I hope hindi pa huli ang comment ko. DONT marry that guy. You are in for a big disaster in life. Been there and done that, wag ka sanang matulad sa akin just because you love your man. Love has blinded me in a sense that I made justifications on his being hot tempered, verbal and emotional abuse. All along akala ko kailangan kong i accept yun just because yun sya only to realize later (months after we got married) that hindi ako pinalaki ng magulang ko at hindi ako nagsikap makapagtapos at magkaroon ng buhay na mayroon ako ngayon para lang lapastanganin ng isang walang kwentang tao. I woke up one morning realizing why am I wasting my precious life with the person na inspite of the love that i have given eh hindi pala ako kayang i respeto.

[queen_blair]

I agree to most of the posts above. Don't do it, Sis! Run! Iba na pag married, if yan na na-encounter mo while bf/gf kayo, it will only get a lot worse pag kasal na kayo.