Marital problems and professional counselors. Very interesting topic.
Counselors base their counsel on the bible, on their academic training that typically include a lot of readings on research on the dynamics of relationships, on what is legal, etc. They have full knowledge of the concepts that can help heal the two hurting people who are undergoing marital problems. They can identify exactly what is going wrong, and, they can tell the two hurting people which ones could work to solve the marital problem.
But bottomline, it will depend on the two hurting people if they will heed the advice, and, work what they are told - and what they learn - into their marriage and love relationship.
More often than not, at some point, the counselor may end up having to identify who is doing things wrong, and that could become the "stumbling block" of the couple. Adults generally do not like to be told that they have erred - even when they themselves do know they DID err. Most of the time their subsequent actions after the first "error" are actually "defensive" moves, to prove to themselves - and to strengthen their belief - that they have not erred at all. Many times they would show the hurt party - or even tell the hurt party quite frankly - that they (the hurt party) is to blame e.g. you made me do it, you failed to do such and such so I looked for it elsewhere, I could not help it andudun siya eh lapit ng lapit, ikaw kasi lagi mo ako inaaway, etc. etc. The initial hurt gets multiplied, as the hurt party later on comes to believe that they are indeed to blame and then, they engage in self-introspection and self-examination e.g. ano ang naging pagkukulang ko, ano ang puede kong gawin para mahinto na ang lahat ng ito, hindi ko na kaya mas mabuti pa yata mag-give up na lang, etc. etc.
Many of you probably have heard of ANDRAGOGY - how to teach adults so they imbibe what they are taught. Adults LIKE to first see proof that what is suggested to them actually works. If they hear other people - who have tried what was suggested - say that it worked on them (nagpapatotoo) then their (the ones who need to learn) interest gets picqued, and they start considering trying out what was suggested. But change is quite difficult to effect among adults, who in all probability have long-ingrained habits, attitudes, etc. So, the pagpapatotoo has to keep on continuing.
Marriage healing programs have that formula. The program is run by "wounded healers" who themselves had undergone the program, learned and applied into their life the concepts and the tools to bring their hurting relationship to forgiveness and healing, and, achieved changes and improvements in their relationship. The forgiveness part is crucial in the process, since forgiving means one decides to let go of the negative feelings and the desire to wreak vengeance on the person who has erred or committed the deed that resulted to a hurt.
But then again, bottomline, it will STILL depend on the the marriage healing program participants if they will decide to "replicate" the tools and realizations the wounded healers share about, and, work what they are told - and what they learn - into their marriage and love relationship.
When my husband and I did one marriage healing program, and heard those "wounded healers" share their stories and talk of the tools and realizations they worked into their marriage and love relationship, we eventually came to an agreement that
- we did DESIRE to heal our hurting marriage and love relationship
- we DISCUSSED which tools and realizations we were willing to try, and which issues and concerns we were willing to address
- we DECIDED to work the tools and realizations, on the issues and concerns present in our relationship
- we DID what the tools and realizations called for, and one major one is for each of us to CHANGE
and so here we are now, continuing to walk the road of forgiveness, making amends and healing - with our children walking along with us.
All the best and God bless,
Mommy Fe
