i gave birth to an angel

[shinta]

salamat sis cece. oonga, parang nakita ko din si sis red_apple sa thread na yun. si sis kyrie at chofontilla din.

[red_apple]

@sis cece1126: salamat sa prayer, we really need that.  Yep nagbabasa ako ng thread na yun pero hindi ko na tanda if nagreply ako dun.


@sis shinta: ako naman kababalik ko lang uli from our province, binisita ulit namin si baby sa province ng hubby ko with my family.  Napansin ko wala na yung rattle na nakapatong sa puntod nya so I promised to bring him a new toy pagdalaw ko ulit sa kanya. Pinakiramdaman ko sarili ko masakit parin, fresh parin lahat. My mom and I cried again.  Pero I know in time mag heheal din itong sugat natin.  Tibayan lang natin ang loob natin at ang faith kay God. Sabi nga ng mom ko sa baby ko, "Alagaan mo mga magiging kapatid mo sa loob ng tyan ng mommy mo kasi angel ka na, sigurado di mo sila pababayaan pati mommy at daddy mo."   

I always pray na makarecover ng mabilis para makapag conceive ulit.  Yan din ang prayer ko sayo sis, mukhang mas complicated case mo, so I pray for your faster recovery, nakakainip nga ang 1 year, but isipin mo na lang na for your health and baby's health din yun so just focus in your recovery for now. 

Nauna pa pala ako mag mens sayo or baka sabay tayo kasi katatapos ko lang ng mens ko today.  But same as you, I still feel that my energy and normal condition has not yet restored, so we still need to take plenty of rest. In two weeks kasi, matatapos na ML ko.

Pero ang payat mo nga, kasi ako 140 lbs, di ako pumapayat, buti ka pa  ang bilis pumayat.

[purpleangel11]

   @ Sis shinta and Sis red apple..ngayon ko lang nabuksan thread na ito kc sa TTC Diary thread ako active...when I read your posts...teary eyed ako about what happened...kc parang I really can't imagine myself na nakabuo na ako..tapos mawawala pa...though di pa me nabubuntis...parang i feel the pain..i pray that the LORD gives you strength and and heal you emotionally and physically...now...your babies are really angels from above...because i believe that GOD doesn't lose babies...tc mga Sis...palakas po kayo...

[kalaiyaan]

Good morning tears

Im so touched of all your stories.
Hope everything will be fine, with God everything is possible.

hugs to all.

[Kady_14]

I feel for the sisters who lost their babies, Cathy Babao-Guballa's book might be helpful.
Between Loss and Forever.

 "Guballa wrote how mothers, with the special bond they form with their children as early as when they realize they are pregnant, are "shaken to the core" because "the death of a child goes against the natural order of the universe."


Shinta - nakikita din kita sa threads and nakaka interact ata, hindi ko na lang matandaan. Baka sa Weddings before. I hope you find peace and serenity. *hugs*

[red_apple]

Nakakatouch ang mga messages nyo mga sis.  Salamat sa mga prayers and words of encouragement.  A friend just called to update me on a common friend giving birth just a few days ago.  Naalala ko na naman baby Matty ko.  So I just talked to him in my mind to help me and request to God for my faster recovery.  Namimiss ko na naman baby ko hay grabe ang hirap.... 

[gelticyado]

To sis shinta and sis red apple my sincerest condolences to both of you...
We'll pray for their souls...
Naiiyak ako while reading your stories sis. I remember when i was giving birth also to Baby Amiel last Dec 16, and it was exactly 41 weeks. Baby Amiel also has meconium stained na on his amniotic fluid. My OB and her resident doctor prayed over me and ask for God's mercy that time. 7cm dilated na ako when she break my water bag then and told me na nakapoop na nga si baby inside. I was scared that time but their prayers help me and give me strength until I gave birth to our first born son.
I'm praying for both of you sis shinta and sis red apple na may God be with you every step of the way...hugs mga sis...

[emmylou]

hugs mga sis.

i'll pray for you both. i also gave birth to an angel at 4months in gestation last 2007. hirap ako magbuntis. preemie sila ng panganay. good thing, nabuhay panganay ko kahit na 6months 26days lang. he is now turning 7. my bunso which i gave birth to last May 2011 had a congenital anomaly corrected with an operation. me bukol na nakadagan sa baga. after 1month and 25 days sa hospital she came home alive. pero she spent 25 days hooked up to a ventilator to help her survive. she'll turn 1 sa May. hold on to you faith!

[jess_121009]

my condolences to you sis shinta and sis red_apple.

I am also part of the october, november, december due date thread kaya remember kita sis shinta. I was reading this thread and I can't help but be emotional as well. Loosing a child will never be easy. Naalala ko tuloy yung first time i got pregnant and namiscarriage at 6 weeks sobra na yung iyak ko.

kagaya ni bro jonielle i also keep on asking kung bakit kailangan mangyari ang mga bagay na dapat hindi mangyari. i also gave birth to my son with a congenital deformity. luckily, very treatable siya (incomplete cleft palate). at first sobrang hirap tanggapin na bakit kailangan mangyari sa anak mo yung ganun. when i found yung mga possible complications nung deformity sobrang natakot ako. yung sobrang hindi mo makayanang makita na ang liit pa niya but he had to endure the pain, and all the hirap because of the deformity.

pero kagaya ng sinasabi ng lahat, everything happens for a reason. naniniwala ako that he was given to us by God dahil alam niya na maaalagaan namin siya at gagawin ang lahat to make his life as normal as possible. we have adjusted na rin on his condition. we're just waiting for the right time to correct the deformity and hoping that after that everything will be okay na.

hold on mga sis. keep your faith and soon everything will be okay. will pray for you both.

[chico]

Still overwhelmed with all your post guys, and I still can't find the strength to post my, our story. So for now, I'd like to share this poem from a blog (http://mylittlebabyjacob.blogspot.com/p/poems-and-words-of-comfort.html?m=1)

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worth, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An angel never dies.

[ldrwifey]

sis im sorry for your lost, your poem made me cry.

[shinta]

thanks for all the comforting words mga sis. yesterday would have been my baby liam's 3rd month. malaki na siguro siya ngayon. ang hirap pa din, sabi ko nga sa blog ko: there’s not a single day when I don’t remember him. Not a single night when I don’t replay the scenes and events at the hospital in my head before I sleep. Not a single instance when his memories do not bring tears to my eyes.

i cried myself to sleep kagabi. i was just so sad. 

[Amphitrite]

sis shinta and red_apple, so sorry for your loss.

I'm praying that both of you will be ok soon. I can't say that I know how you feel because I haven't experienced losing my baby before but I know how a mother feels for her child.

I recently met someone who had the same experience. Officemate sya ng friend ko, dapat 6 months na baby nya ngayon. She's still sad but she's recovering na. Sabi ko nga sa friend ko na aliwin na lang niya yung officemate nya kasi mas mahirap kung hindi maka-recover.

Time will heal all wounds mga sis. I just hope your healing will be complete soon.

[ishko]

hi sisses, yung 1.5 year old baby ng officemate ng sis ko namatay kahapon.. sinipon lang daw at nag-ubo nung gabi then dinala sa hospital, na-ICU tapos namatay na kinaumagahan.. pneumonia daw ang cause.. isang anak lang din yun dahil late na nag-asawa.. kakalungkot

[marose17]

@shinta, I read your blog re thyroid results.  Was your OB aware of the normal-high TSH and normal-low TS3 and TS4?  I had an elevated TSH during pregnancy (my OB ordered the lab tests) and thus, I was co-managed by an endocrinologist.  It was a good thing na rin that I had a consultation with him because months later, he would manage my GDM naman.

If seeking facts is a way for you to attain closure, so be it.  Pray always.  We here at GT are praying for you.

[shinta]

^thanks sis marose. di ko lang talaga nailalabas sa GT yung sakit ng nararamdaman ko whenever i remember my baby. gusto kasi ng family ko na maging masaya ako at wag ng isipin yung nangyari. but there are some days that i just have to release the pain, para naman mabawasan kahit papano yung bigat sa dibdib

and to your question, no, she doesn't sis. 1st month ko pa lang nun ng magpa-test ako because an IM noticed na medyo malaki yung leeg ko. the result was the normal-high TSH and normal-low TS3 and TS4. he ordered thyroid scan to further evaluate my condition pero di ko pinagawa kasi pregnant na ako. had I known that it might have an effect, tsk.

i had two OBs when I was pregnant (nagpalit kasi ako on my 4th month) and neither of them ordered a lab test for thyroid. the second OB pala ordered pero on my 8th month na, kasi she noticed din na malaki nga yung leeg ko, although she said that it's normal. baligtad naman ang result, normal-high TS4 and low TSH.

i'm consulting with an endo now, had blood tests, RAI uptake and thyroid scan. what i have is thyroiditis, probably postpartum, pero pwedeng hindi rin. i asked the endo and sabi niya mahirap nga daw malaman ang totoong thyroid disorder ko that time because i was preggy. kung sa blood test kasi, hyperthyroid ang basa niya. only the thyroid scan confirmed that it's thyroiditis.

so di ko pa din alam talaga if my thyroid disorder had anything to do with what happened to my baby. but at least, if i do get pregnant again, ipapaalam ko agad sa OB yung condition ko to avoid any complications.

[joyfulmommy]

grabe this is soooooo sad... naiyak talaga ako sa kwento nina sis shinta and sis red apple... imagine, ni-carry nyo na sila for 39 weeks, magkaka-problem pa unexpectedly.  and si sis paydayramos, kahit 20weeks pa lang, attached ka na rin sa baby mo eh... i could just only imagine losing what you have been praying for for a long time.

i guess everything happens for a reason.  we should just have to trust God that He has better plans for us if di naten nakukuha gusto naten or if nangyayari ang ayaw naten mangyari.  as bo sanchez said "there are treasures in your trials"...  goodluck sa inyo sisses... sana mabigyan ulit kayo ng babies and sana wala ng sad stories next time...

[red_apple]

thanks for your prayers mga sis.

my baby should've been 3 months now.  I was really moved by the Gospel last Sunday. 
"I am telling you the truth: a grain of wheat remains no more than a single grain unless it is dropped in to the ground and dies. If it does die, then it produces many grains..."
-John 12:24

Iyak ako ng iyak sa Church habang nagsesermon ang pari.  Namimiss ko pa rin sya every now and then.

I still believe that God has better plan for me and my hubby.  Sana nga magkaroon na sya ng kapatid soon.

[paydayramos]

sis joyfulmommy, thanks! sana nga dumating ang time na wala ng sad stories, happy moments naman ang maikukuwento namin with our new babies. for now, still wishing,hoping and praying for another pregnancy to come.

[margiee]

Hi sisses. I'm so sorry for the loss esp sa mga nawalan ng babies. I share the same pain too.

I got pregnant last year. On May 20th(my 21st week gestation), panakaw akong nagpaultrasound to know my baby's gender. My hubby was in the US that time and he wanted us to know the gender together. He was set to go home after a month or two. Pero sa sobrang excitement ko, nagpa US pa rin ako. This was my 1st pregnancy, 1st baby. We were just so happy. Nung time ko na, 2 mins pa lang ng US, di na maipinta mukha ng ob sonologist. She asked me, "is this your first baby?" i replied, "yes". Then, she said, "may defect yung baby." I was so surprised coz wala naman akong ginawang masama and we wanted the baby. Then she went on to say, "it's so severe that it's not compatible with life. You will most probably go on term kung walang complications but your baby will either die inside, or while being delivered or he may live for a few minutes, or hours but he will never survive." Nagstop ang mundo  ko. Nagalit ako sa kanya, sa sarili ko, sa equipment nila. I was in denial but I went on to have 3 more US only to confirm the condition. Ang pinakaworst na feeling, awang-awa ako sa sarili ko at sa baby ko. Sana ako nalang my problema at hindi [textspeak!]. I have 2 close friends who were pregnant too and same month ang ga due date namin.

Anyway, I went on with the pregnancy even though I know mamamatay rin [textspeak!]. Umuwi si hubby para damayan ako. He showed strength and optimism although I know deep down, he's so devastated. Everytime tinatanong ako ng mga tao bout the gender and say their congratulatory messages right after, para akong sinasaksak ng ilang beses. Halos di ako makadaan sa kid's department or makatingin sa mga babies. The months of May to September have been a torture for me. Naisipan kong magpakamatay para makasama si baby. Buti nalang tinyaga talaga ako ng mom and hubby ko.

September came. 2 of my closest friends gave birth already and were all over facebook. Others who didnt know my baby's terminal condition were posting in my facebook wall asking if i already gave birth and where the pics are. Siguro as time went by, naging numb and less emotional na rin ako. Natuto na akong sumagot. I delivered my precious baby boy on Sept 13, 2011. He looked like his dad. He lived for 10 hours. I only had a few seconds with him as my mother and hubby requested na di na ipakita si baby sa akin. The hospital staff who were so kind to me took pics of my baby for me. My mother took care of the funeral. Di ako pina-attend ni hubby ng funeral ng baby ko. At some point nagalit ako sa kanila pero naintindihan ko rin reasons nila. To them, sobra-sobra na ang pain dinulot ng pregnancy ko. We love our son sooooooo much but we have to go on. And we did.

Yung healing process ko sobrang hirap and matagal pero I realized decision mo talaga if you want to move on or not. Di ko ma-express ang sakit. I wish no one will experience what I did coz it's unfair. I accepted what happened with all my heart. I decided from that time na ayoko ng maiwanan pa. Gusto ko pa ring buohin ang mga pangarap namin ni hubby na magkababies. On my birthday(2 months after panganak ko) i stayed in the church all morning, I prayed and binuhos ko na lahat. Wala na akong galit or insecurities. Bumawi ako sa mom and hubby ko. I went on to have a normal life. So lucky I have supportive friends too. We TTC without trying so hard. Ipinasadiyos ko na lahat.

I'm sorry for the long post. Gusto ko lang kasi i-share na may pag-asa talaga. Kahit na sobrang sakit ng na-experience natin, may purpose si God at may  mas maganda naghihintay sa atin. Im not the religious type of person pero in my darkest moments, wala na ako ibang nasandalan. I'm happy to share na I'm 6 months pregnant now. Another boy and the EDD is the same day pinanganak ko ang angel ko. He's healthy. In a way, Im lucky to have my angel there. Di [textspeak!] makakalimutan esp if yung rainbow baby namin will share same bday with him

We may not know the reasons why things didn't go well but there will always be something better in store for us. Yung pain natin of losing a child will always be there. Di mawawala yun pero di dapat yun maghohold sa atin kc may ibang umaasa sa atin. Youre in my thoughts and prayers sisses!