i gave birth to an angel

[paydayramos]

iba nga siguro pag naramdaman mong nanay ka na. tama ka sis shinta, minsan parang mas magandang mabaliw na lang. pakiramdam ko hanggang ngayon may post natal pa rin ako. dumating talaga ako sa point na minsan gusto ko mawala na lang. kung pwede nga kung may option lang na i-rewind lahat.
may times nakakainis kasi walang nakakaintindi kung bakit hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. madaling sabihin na gumawa na lang ulit. di lang nila alam kung ano pinagdaanan para lang makabuo kami. there are  times that i talk to our angel. i ask him to help us pray to God at bulungan nya si Mama Mary para mabawasan ang pain, at maka-go on sa buhay namin. Na tulungan nya kami to pray na magkaroon na sya ng kapatid para sa ganun kahit pano mabawasan ang sakit.

[ishko]

sisses, hugs to all of you...

i know the pain kasi at 18 weeks i almost lost my baby, threatened abortion ang findings nung dinugo ako..super iyak ako nun... ingat lahat ng preggy.. wag magpapa-stress and always be happy para healthy si baby

God bless everyone!

@bro jonielle, dun ba nanganak sa san juan de dios wife mo? kay doc llarena? God bless your baby, i pray na gumaling na siya..

[red_apple]

Ngayon lang ulit ako nakapag internet and nakakagulat na ang daming nakikiramay.  Na-touch ako sa mga comments nyo, salamat sa mga messages.

I just got back here in Manila this Sunday and kakalipat lang namin ng house kaya medyo busy.  Nakakalungkot nga kasi hubby and I intentionally rented a bigger house for our baby but yun nga, since naiwan ang baby ko sa province, kakalog kalog kaming dalwa ditong mag asawa ngayon sa laki ng bahay.

Before we left the province, I had my post natal check up and nakuha ko rin yung biopsy result.  Ang sabi chorionitis daw.  Infection sa placenta.  Pero yung OB Gyn ko hindi maconfirm na yun ang reason ng pagkawala ng baby ko, sabi nya that's one of the factors daw.  I contacted my OB Gyn here in Manila sabi nya possible na-stress ang baby during contractions and labor kaya nag poop na sya kahit hindi overdue.

Anyway, hubby and I plan to look for new doctor this weekend.  Sabi nila, mas okay na OB-Sonologist na ang doctor kesa sa separate ang OB and sonologist.  Sana makahanap ako ng maselan na doctor and yung may care sa mag-ina.  Minsan naisip ko okay din pala ang strict na doctor kesa mabait nga parang wala naman pakialam sa pasyente.  I just pray God will give us the right doctor to monitor me and our future babies.

During travel back to Manila, we visited again our baby before we left and pina bless ulit namin sa friend naming priest si baby Matty.  Ayun, iyakang iyakan kami during travel lalo na ang mommy ko sa first apo nya mas matagal pang umiyak kesa sakin.

@sis michimac03 - I actually have a copy of that poem.  Sinulat ko sa notebook ko sa baby ko.  I always cry when I read the message.  Pero nakakalakas ng loob especially knowing that my baby knows I love him so much.  Yung notebook na yun, is parang diary nya kasi andun talaga yung list ng mga gamit nya before ipanganak na pinilit kong kumpletuhin.  But after what happened, I just made it a diary that I wrote to him everytime I miss him.

@sis shinta - Be strong.  Ako nga di na ako naiiyak kahit anong pilit ko di ako maiyak.  Basta sumasakit ang ulo ko lagi pag naiisip ko sya tapos sumasakit dibdib ko.  I am still really depressed alam ko.  Whenever I see pregnant women, whenever I saw a newborn baby with her mom in the hospital, whenever I saw a mother with her child that did not survived sa mga TV and movies.  Ang sakit sakit sa pakiramdam.  Naiinggit ako sa mga ka-batch ko na nanganak na.  Although I'm very happy for them diko parin maiwasan maisip na bakit kaya kami maaga naghiwalay ng baby ko?  But then, siguro kaya ganito ako kasi my mind is fighting for another reason to move on with life and be strong... my husband.  Kahit sinasabi nila that it's more painful for a mother to loose a child, ako nakita ko ang pain ng husband ko when he found out what happened.  Sya pa ang naghatid at naglibing sa baby ko kasi I was still in the hospital that time.  And my parents said he was crying habang nag huhukay sya.  It was really painful for me to think that sobrang nasaktan ang husband ko kasi sabi ko nga sa kanya... "alam ko di ka nagkulang ng pag-aalaga, sobra sobra pa nga ang ginawa mo para saming mag-ina" and totoo yun.  I was blessed enough to have a husband like him.  Kaya I need to be strong for him.  Kasi he never loose hope and faith in God, I even felt his greater love for me during that time until now.  Kaya kahit araw araw nalulungkot parin ako, I just submit it to the Lord and spend time loving my husband even more.  Alam ko in God's time, mag hi-heal din ang mga sugat natin.  Just have faith sis.

[roxybrat]

aww condolences sa mga sis na nawalan ng angel.. nakakaiyak at sakit sa dibdib isipin un mga pinagdaanan nyo.. pero good to know na talagang kinaya nyo rin.. kung sken kc mangyayari yan parang di ko ata kaya..

bigla ako napabasa dito kasi yun kapitbahay ko lost her baby yesterday.. 5 months pa lang yun baby sa tummy nya pero ayun nag preterm labor sya at nawalan na pala sya amniotic acid.. first baby pa naman.. pero mas masakit yan pinagdaanan nyo kasi full term pa.. basta have faith sis shinta, red_apple and paydayramos

[ldrwifey]

maga n ang mata ko because of this thread and reading shinta's blog. im not a mother so i can't say n i feel your pain. but i lost my sister and i saw what it did to our mom, my sister was 16 was she passed away, and after almost 10yrs, umiiyak p rin kami, lalo n ang mother ko. may nagsabi sakin, the pain will never go away, you just get used to it.

be strong shinta and red_apple, time will heal your wounds.

[shinta]

maraming salamat ulit mga sis for the condolences and words of comfort. i still miss my baby. para kasing may kulang na sakin physically. like i lost a part of my body and my body is longing for it. minsan nga akala ko may sumisipa pa din sa tyan ko, pero pag kinapa ko, dun ko lang maaalala na di na pala ako buntis. and what i felt was probably just gas.

pag nakakakita nga ako ng buntis, naiinggit ako. lalo na pag nakakakita ako ng may baby. tama si sis paydayramos, kung pwede lang i-rewind ang lahat.

but i have to move on. marami pa kaming dapat ayusin sa married life namin. and mourning for our loss is not helping us in repairing our marriage.

^@ldrwifey, lagi ko ding sinasabi sa mga friends ko na magmemessage sakin, na in general, mothers won't ever get over the loss of a child. it's like a part of you has died and you will forever grieve for that part.

[whitesummer]

hi sis.

i can relate to your story. i lost my baby a year ago, 39 weeks, the day of my CS, she died. stillbirth, meconium stained, double coil. di ko kaya ikwento, maiiyak lang ako.

first few months were so hard, kasi lahat ng ka-office ko buntis, nanganak.. i was angry. what helped me through it was a great support system - my husband, friends, family. i never lost faith, i kept praying to God na i would get through the pain. and i did. Jan 25 marked her 1 year in heaven.

when you feel like crying, go ahead and cry - to a sister, friend or mom. i wouldnt recommend though that you always cry in front of your husband, masasaktan siya seeing you hurt, and whats more is that he'll feel useless kasi he couldnt make you feel better.

sis ayoko na magelaborate, naiiyak ako. when i read your posts, nagfflashback ako sa nangyari a year ago. but if you need someone to talk to, send me a message, id love to help you sis. 

Godbless.

[ldrwifey]

^@ldrwifey, lagi ko ding sinasabi sa mga friends ko na magmemessage sakin, na in general, mothers won't ever get over the loss of a child. it's like a part of you has died and you will forever grieve for that part.

i remember laging pinapagalitan ng tita ko mama ko nun, kasi parang nawala sa buhay n ma ang ngumiti, it took her more than a year to finally be able to smile.

kahit hindi sabihin n ma samin i think what helped her cope is yung thinking n kahit wala n sister ko we talk and act as if part pa rin siya ng present namin. we still have all her clothes and stuff, basta lahat ng gamit, nasa drawers na parang may gagamit ulit anytime, we celebrate her birthday every year.. sabi ng iba weird daw yung ginagawa namin, but yung ang gusto ng mother ko, yung ang nagpapagaan ng loob nya kasi kanya kanyang way naman tayo kung pano mag grieve.

[mikaela325]

Condolence sis shinta, red_apple and paydayramos. Our prayers are with you and your angels.

Start sa 1st page upto the last di na matigil ang luha ko. I have babies din kasi. Hold on mga sis and be strong.

[paydayramos]

Thanks po. I think I'm doing fine as days pass by. Finding ways/ things to occupy my time para di masyado magisip. Kasi dati kahit sa office basta di ako busy yun lang ng yun ang naiisip ko. Ngayon kahit paano eh medyo nababawasan na yung mga ganung moment. Gusto ko matapos na ang month na ito. Fastforward to March. This month was supposed to be the month that i would give birth. I thought maybe matyempuhan pa na it would fall on my birthday although my expected due date was supposed to be after my birthday. I tHought this year would be the most special birthday for me. Well, better luck next time. Sana next year man lang.

[red_apple]

^Yes sis.  May mga kapatid pa ang mga angels natin.  In God's time bibiyayaan pa tayo ng mga babies na mag-aalaga satin pagtanda natin.

[chofontanilla]

Oh my sis shinta remember me? Magkasama tayo sa oct, nov, dec thread. Im sorry to hear your story, my condolences. Haay, i want to hug you tight. Dont worry, we are all here for you, your GT sisters. Always pray to God nalang, he will help you too

[shinta]

@chofontanilla, salamat sis. yes pero di ko na nga nabalikan yung thread na yun. ang hirap kasi, lahat kayo may baby. pero i'm ok na. paminsan-minsan lang may nagti-trigger ng mga crying episodes.

@sis red_apple and paydayramos, kelan kayo in-advise ng OB nyo na ma-try ulit? sabi sakin pahinga muna ng 1 year kasi i had 2 operations last year, 1 yung tinanggal yung ovary ko, tapos yung CS.

@whitesummer, naiyak din ako habang binabasa post mo. kasi tulad mo, nagflashback ulit sakin yung mga nangyari sa hospital.

salamat uli mga sis. grabe talaga outpour of support dito sa GT.

[paydayramos]

^sis red_apple, sabi ng OB ko dito start kami ng work up ng January. November ang first period ko after ng D&C. Sabi nya nung check up ko ng Nov eh come back on the 2nd day of your period in January. Kaso nagka period ako while naka bakasyon kami sa 'Pinas. Kaya di pa ako nakakabalik sa OB ko ngayon dito kasi antay ko pa February period ko. Wala naman actually sya binawal. Di rin nya sinabi kung ilang months after ako pwede mag start TTC ulit. Inassume ko na ok na since sya na nagsabi na once bumalik na ako sa kanya eh start na kami ng fertility treatment. Nagpacheck up din ako sa OB ko sa 'Pinas while we were there. Sya yung OB ko na nag-IUI sa akin (1st time, successful which made me pregnant), wala din pinagbawal. Dapat start na rin work up kaso di ko na tinuloy kasi need na namin balik dito.

I really wish magka-AF na ako para start na ng work up. Mag-35 na ako this month. Baka mas lalo ako mahirapan mag- conceive because of my age.

[chofontanilla]

Mga sis im really felt sorry for you guys. Naiyak ako, dati naman nung wala pang baby di ako masyado emotional.

Pray pray and pray. God is good for sure may ibibigay siya sa inyo na di niyo inaasahan.

Kaya niyo yan sisses!

[kyrie26]

sis shinta, sis redapple, and all our sisses here who suffered the same fate, we're all here for you and ll our hearts reach out to each and every one of you. mommyhood is a journey that, at the right time, you too will be going through. until then, stay strong, keep the faith, and try to accept  happiness into your lives. your little angels would want nothing but happiness for his/her parents

[paydayramos]

Naku sensya na sis shinta, na mix up ko yung hulu kong pinost. Na refer ko kay sis red apple instead of you;)

[red_apple]

@sis red_apple and paydayramos, kelan kayo in-advise ng OB nyo na ma-try ulit? sabi sakin pahinga muna ng 1 year kasi i had 2 operations last year, 1 yung tinanggal yung ovary ko, tapos yung CS.

Sis, dipa ako nakapag tanong ng ideal timing kung kailan ulit pwede.  Siguro itanong ko yan by next week pagbalik ko sa OB ko.  Gusto ko nga rin as soon as kaya na talaga kasi feeling namin ng hubby ko mas malaking tulong yun para maka move on kami mag asawa, ang bigyan na ng kapatid yung panganay ko.  As of now kasi going 6weeks na ko pero masama pa rin pakiramdam ko    may UTI at hemmorrhoid pa akong ginagamot.  Lately nga lagi ko chinicheck yung TTC thread at yung APAS for info and ideas.  Normal delivery naman ako so sana mga less than a year ang i-advise ng doctor ko.  Will let you know pag may update ako. 

[shinta]

thanks sis paydayramos and red_apple. ako naman since i have two operations, 1 year ang advise para daw mapahinga at makarecover yung katawan ko. then i also have endometriosis at wala na din left ovary ko. sabi naman ni OB, not functioning na talaga yung left ovary ko kaya more likely sa right ovary nanggaling yung nafertilize na egg. i'm also 32 na.  pero i conceived naturally naman the first time, so hopefully magconceive ako agad pag pwede na ulit.

naiinggit din ako sa mga buntis kaya feeling ko ang tagal ng 1 year. halos magkasunod nga pala tayo nanganak sis red_apple, 7 weeks na ako. i had my last checkup with my OB last week. ok naman lahat. i had my mens na this week. i'm not sick pero parang nanghihina ako. at pumayat na ako ulit, 88 lbs na lang.

napanigipan ko na naman si baby kagabi. yung mga scenes sa hospital pero ang ending is naka-room-in na siya sa kwarto ko.

[cece1126]

Sis shinta at red apple my condolences

been reading your post magkathread tayo ng month kasi

just found out a few days ago about this post

May God give you strength!!!!