Indescribable feelings over myself, my mom and everyone

[kikaygimikera]

Good day mga sisters. I need your advice kasi nafefeel kong hopeless na ako (minsan na lang kasi ngayon naisip ko kahit na walang nakakaintindi sa akin, andiyan naman si God to listen) sa situation ko. Sis aquacharly, I have sent a private message to you regarding this pa kasi talagang ikaw nakapagsabi ng straight answers sa akin before. This is very long mga sis.

I am separated after 4 years of marriage with my long time boyfriend of 10 years. My parents did not like my ex husband until nung kasal mismo (nauna si baby then we got married after 2 years) and nung nakapagtrabaho na si ex husband. Ex husband got into extra marital affairs and it just gotten out of hand. Part of me did not pursue fixing our marriage kasi its not worth fixing and I do not deserve him and his family. Why? 1st. His parents are WOW. Monsters in law talaga. Tumira ako sa kanila ng 3 years and partly nagbago ang mga tinuro ng parents ko saken. Normal lang ang murahan sa family nila. Pinatulog ako sa attic, tapos pagdating ni exhusband from work (seaman) bumili ng bahay yung inlaws ko for us sa harap ng house nila. Sabi nila they gave it to us pero we were paying for it 20k a month and its under their name kasi ang sabi nila "baka magkahiwalay lang kami, may habol pa ako sa properties". They even convinced me na okay lang magkababae ang exhusband ko - kasalanan ko raw yun kung hindi raw ako nagaayos. And his dad mismo nagbibigay sa kanilang magkakapatid ng mga babae sa province (Pampangga). For 3 years I took it. Nagdaster ako, nakibagay ako sa kanila pero it did not work. Ako pa ang lumabas na masama.

My parents did not like the idea na hiwalay kami. Maybe nakakahiya on their part pero what I hate most is that they are making me feel I am to blame. Hindi naging masakit for me nung naghiwalay kami kasi I was working that time. Bitter konti, kasi syempre niloko ako eh. Hindi ako nakipag away sa kabit. The kabit even texted me and ginugulo ako. Naisip ko, baka nagtataka siya at hindi ko siya inaaway?

My exhusband doesn've give any child support. I  told him I will file a case against him and when my mom knew about it she said wag na. I told my mom na hindi pwedeng hindi kasi karapatan ng anak ko yun pero since ayaw niya, hindi ko tinuloy. Syempre sa kanya rin naman kasi ako hihingi ng support eh. One time my mom asked me to buy a medicine for my son's yaya, I told her I do not have any money at all ( I was earning 5k per cut off back then) tapos she said "HINDI PWEDENG WALA KANG PERA". Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya, eh di ba ayaw niyo akong humingi ng pera sa ex ko? Bakit ka ganyan? Pero I didn't do it. Kasi that would be disrespectful sa kanila.

Lumipas ang buwan and taon, pinapasok ng mom ko sa utak ko na okay lang. Na hindi na dapat magfile pa ng kung ano ano kasi ayaw niya ng gulo (lahat nadadaaan sa forgiveness sa kanya), so o sige kahit wala nang child support. Yung exhusband ko recently contacted me kung pwede ba daw hiramin yung bata. Sabi ko okay sige ba. Dumating yung date na susunduin niya yung son ko. Usapan namin Saturday night. I was waiting for him to pick up my son. Nakatulog na ako 6pm - 11 pm. 11pm my son woke me up crying and said "Mommy wala pa si daddy. Siguro nagbarko ulit yun." Naiyak ako and then nagalit. I posted sa facebook for them to see my galit. They dont like me posting sa facebook pag galit. I rarely do. I post lang pagsobra na. Its my way of para mahiya naman kayo, and para malaman ng mundo kung anong ginagawa nila. I posted there "Mga puny*tang mga walang pinagaralan wala na ngang sustento sa anak ko, may gana pa kayong paiyakin at pagantayin?" Then my inlaws posted their response na di ko na binasa. Parang nilagay lang nila na wag daw sila idamay. (Damay sila siguro kasi buong family nila walang tinapos) Ang nakakainis na part is that ngayon ko lang nalaman na MY MOM and MY SISTER SAID SORRY to my INLAWS.

Nagaway tuloy kami. I told my sister and my mom na they should not be saying sorry to them kasi una sa lahat, sila dapat magsorry sa amin. They were okay with the kabit living in our home. Hindi nila pinagsasabihan yung anak nila kasi they hate me for being a General's daughter dahil sobrang ka insecure-an nila. Sila ang nagpapapayroll sa anak nila sa barko kasi sila ang may ari ng manning agency and yet hindi nila mapagsabihan yung anak nila.

Ako naman, everyone knows and thinks na nasa side ko ang family ko and yet hindi ko mafeel na ganon. Nagsorry pa sila sa mga yun? Hindi ko maintindihan talaga.

Once instance, one of our caretakers sa farmhouse namin sexually harrased my son na 5 years old and did you know what my mom did? Tinago niya yung caretaker sa akin. Alam niya kasing mapapatay ko yung caretakers sa sobrang galit. GRABE! After two months ko pang nalaman yung incident ha. My son told me lang. I confronted my mom and my mom told me this "Makakalimutan din niya yan, wag lang ipaalala." BS!

Ewan ko nafefeel ko na hindi ako pamilya. Sinabi ko to sa current partner ko and my partner said "pamilya mo ba sila? bat sila ganun?" Sobrang naiiyak ako tuwing naiisip ko yung situation ko. hindi pa nga yan yung story ng buhay ko. Kulang ang isang araw para ikwento.

Hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong nararamdaman ko. The only thing I can feel I am respected by our family is that I should earn more than them, giving them money or by social status. Wala na kasi akong pakialam sa social status thing, hindi naman ako napapakain ng status na pagiging anak ng general kasi i dont feel like one. I work my *ss off for my son and that's if. Consuelo na lang yung partner ko kasi kapag mag mga hinaing ako nasasabi ko sa kanya.

I tried praying and it works pero I want to understand bakit sila ganun saken. Hindi naman ako ampon. Strong personality ba ako kaya ganun na lang ang treatment saken? Tulad ng pag mababangga ako for example, my parents will tell me "gulo mo yan ayusin mo yan." pero pag sister ko nako bigdeal!

Naiisip kong option is to move out. Pero I cant afford naman.

[lonelymiss28]

sis, i can feel your pain. ako rin ganyan din naramdaman ko sa mom ko. mabuti na lang naglakas loob akong magsarili at may awa ang dyos di nya ako pinabayaan.

[kikaygimikera]

How did you do it sis? Mahirap makipagcommunicate sa mom ko. Ang sabi niya feeling daw niya lagi ko raw siyang aawayin. Sino ba naman kasing di magagalit lalo na kapag yung voice mo hindi pinapakinggan? Minsan naawa ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I might be strong sa labas pero ang sakit sakit na.

Nung minsan, kinonfront ako ng mom ko bakit daw hindi na ako ako nakikipagusap. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya, "diba sabi mo magkanya kanya na tayo?" tapos umiiyak siya, sabi niya hindi na daw niya alam kung saan daw siya lulugar. Gusto kong sabihin "AKO RIN!" pero hindi ko magawa. Ewan ko ba. maybe moment niya kasi yun. She doesnt understand my pain. Ang sakit sakit. Ngayon back to deadma ulit ako. Galit na naman kasi ako and ayokong may masabing hindi maganda sa kanila or ayokong i bring up sa kanila kasi ako na naman ang masama.

[kikaygimikera]

I forgot to include nung time na nagiiyak yung mom ko tinuro niya yung room ko and said "ANONG PLANO MO DIYAN?" she was referring to my current BF. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya na "Mommy hindi mo ba alam na tanggap na tanggap ako ng family niya kahit na married ang status ko? considering na conservative family sila dun ko na feel na im loved. Sila ng parents niya sobrang love ako and always there to support me. bakit ikaw?" pero di ko ginawa.

[edhel_espyn]

Sis pati ako nasasaktan sa situation niyo, parang I feel so much of your pain. Sobra din yung the whole situation about your son and the caretaker to just be swept under the rug... I think maybe it's time na you and your family have to sit and talk together, like really talk. Let them hear your side and in turn you hear what they have to say din.

If that doesn't work, siguro your best option is to move out na talaga. Your BF loves you and his family respects you, if your own family cannot help you (for now), you can always try to ask your BF for help. Or what about your other relatives? Surely merong sympathetic that will come to your aid.

There is no point trying to be around negativity. And pray lang ng pray sis, and whatever you think is right, fight for it... may right ka to protect yourself and your son, may right ka to decide what is good for you and your child. Si God nakikita niya how much you are hurting and He will help you, just believe that He has good plans ahead for you.

Take heart sis.

[aquacharly]

With your family cuento, it is easy to see why you cannot go straight away getting hold/control of your life.

But the sad thing is, sis, your mom is running that way coz she loves you.   Unfortunately, her love for you  may be colored by selfishness (she seems to want you tied to  her apron strings forever), lack of discernment (hindi nya ma gets you need total support now vs that monster in-law family & flawed husband), and pre-occupation with her/the family's public image.

You are an intelligent and brave woman, sis.  You exhaust all means first to honor your life commitments (husband, in-laws, your mom) before making hard but necessary decisions. Keep it up, your son will love you more for being such. 
BUT there is that tricky Life Element:   Timing.  Time things  right, and most chips  fall in place  for you... Time it wrong,  and events/noble intentions/the best-laid plans go boink! Hopia.
So, I would say:  there is always a Best Time for shooting someone...I am kidding, but I sure mean it figuratively.

For now --  step back, breathe.  Your grrrrrs are warranted, but it is best to think out plans with  a clear mind.
You are just too focused now on people who dealt and continue  to deal you bad cards.  You need to override their power to color your world.  It is easier to modify your perspective than to make people realize what gad-awfool human beings they are. 

When I was at my wits' end, and I had run out of options, plus I was bone-tired of life.... What got me going positively, or kept me from shooting myself and a couple other people (ano, swerte nyo? Aba! Hindi ako mag-iisa. Lol)  was when I just told God:  "No more deals from me, God.  They Will be done, let the chips fall where you want."....  Then I also prayed to the Holy Spirit  to " give me clarity of mind
 to be abe to think things through  clearly, and the courage to act.".   

We may not share  the same religion, KIKAYGIMIKERA,  but there is great value in tapping for help/discernment the Higher  Energy of The Universe.
   
Am I saying you just pray, and wait?  Heck, no;  God helps those who help themselves.
It will all come to you --- how to work things out given your unique circumstances and strenghts, with proper timing. 
In the eantime, breathe and let things and people be. 
In the meantime, it may be helpful to vent and discuss with a competent and non-judgmental stranger; who will  show you new/better communication ways to use with the people who create  grrrrrs in your life.   (PM )

File for Child Support -- it is your son's legal perk.  Then get your marriage annulled -- coz no doors should be closed to you.
Sure, appreciate it that people can accept you unconditionally even if you are afflicted with the condition:  Married. But that does not mean you will diminish your perception of your self-worth. Sis, you are worthy of unconditional acceptance and love because of your good heart, persistence and strength of character. 
You just need to sort out one grrrrrrrr at a time; and learn to choose which grrrrrrr deserves your attention,  or deserve none at all.  Do not let the many little grrrrsssssss nor bad things set in history to defeat  you. Hello?!   

So there, breathe,  step back.   Think clearly, but do not over think.  It will all come to you, just trust yourself.  So, Sis, do not doubt yourself, just because there are so many grrrrr things in your life now.  Just continue to do what you deem is right, given the circumstances -- and do not be distracted by people's negativities.   Hwag mo akuhin mga kasalanan  nila. 
Breathe, step back. Take care of yourself.

[kikaygimikera]

Thanks sis edhel_espyn & aquacharly.  I have received your pm. Ngayon naiisip ko, baka ako ang may mali. Na mali ako for making them feel bad or inaway/nagalit ako sa kanila dahil sa ginawa nilang pagsosorry sa inlaws ko.

Hindi ko alam if this is right ha. I need your pov on this. I was brought up by my parents na bawal maghiganti. When we were still kids, kapag naglalaro kami ng sister ko, and my sister would do something bad sa akin while playing, iiyak ako. Magsusumbong. Pagnaconfront kami, when they learn na gumanti ako sa sister ko while fighting back, ako ang papaluin.

Ngayon naiisip ko na pareho ng situation ko, kapag ginawan ako ng masama ng ibang tao (like inlaws, ex husband and the care taker of our farm), I tend to make higanti --- verbally. I say bad and mean words malabas ko lang yung galit ko and ang nangyayari ako ang lumalabas na masama sa kanila. Nagagalit sila. My sister naman ang ginagawa niya eh umiiyak siya. Im not the type kasi na iiyak sa family ko. Naisip ko tama ba sila na hindi dapat magreact? Ipagpray na lang ba palagi? Parang naisip ko o sige tama naman sila kasi masama ang maghiganti pero tao din naman ako, kapag nagalit, hindi naman ako manhid not to react diba? And hindi naman ako pwedeng magreact sa maraming tao kasi magmumukha akong t**** nun so sa bahay ako nagsasalita ng hindi maganda pag nagkkwento ako sa kanila (dati).

Naalala ko tuloy nung confrontation ko with my mom about the caretaker molesting my son (thru text pa ito mga sis kasi ang katwiran ng mom ko, text or letters can be destroyed pero pag galing sa mismong bibig ng tao, you cant take it back daw), ang sabi ko sa kanya "Bakit ka ganyan? hindi mo sinabi saken? Nanay pa rin ako dapat alam ko, bakit mo tinatago saken at hahayaan mo lang na mangyari sa apo mo. hindi pwedeng makalimutan ng anak ko yung mga nangyari kasi siya mismo ang nagsabi saken about sa nangyari. You dont understand kasi hindi mo naranasang ma-molest!" Then she did not reply. End of discussion. (I was molested by my second cousin when I was in 2nd year highschool and my mom told me to forgive.)

[lonelymiss28]

like what i said sis, alam mo yung mga sinusulat mo dito parang ganon din sasabihin ko eh ...yung feeling ko at yung mga naranasan ko, ang difference lang natin sis wala akong anak na sarili ko (i have 2 step kids though) although may asawa na ako.
lumaki ako up to now it really doesnt make sense yung mga ginagawa ng mama ko kung bakit nya ginawa yun or bakit na nasabi iyon...pero sis i still have to accept the fact na mama ko sya at iba ang diskarte nya sa buhay at iba ang panananaw nya sa buhay na sa kanya ay iyon ang tama (para sa kanya).
alam mo sis pag nagdadasal ako lagi kong dinadasal na sana maging malawak pa ang pang-unawa ko na maintindihan ko pa yung mga bagay-bagay na mahirap intindihin at ma-accept ko yung mga bagay na di ko pwedeng mabago.
sis sa akin ganyan na talaga yung mama ko di ko na mababago iyon actually kinausap ko sya about sa mga bagay na bumabagabag sa akin pero lagi naman nya dine-deny at kung ipagdudukdukan ko ay sasama lang loob nya sa akin dahil mega deny naman sya. so sa ngayon sis, niniisip ko na lang na nasa atin na lang yun kung paano natin didiskartehan ang buhay kasama na doon ang pakikitungo at pagtanggap sa mga bagay na dumnarating sa atin.
like your mom meron ding favorite na anak mom ko at yun yung 2nd to the eldest kong brother (dahil sya yung pinakamatlino)  and unfortunately ako yung least favorite (kasi ako yung opposite).

[kikaygimikera]

Sis I received your pm. Thank you. Dasal ako ng dasal right now na di sana ako mawalan ng hope. Minsan may mga araw na helpless na talaga gusto ko na lang matulog ng matulog i dont interact with my family (I even skipped one breakfast na get together ng brother ko --- we had issues before kasi sinaktan niya yung anak ko and dinuro duro niya).

Thanks. Sana maging ganyan din ako tulad mo.

[poochai]

sorry if I'll be posting my issues here(don't know if related) pero I have issues with my parents.
last night, me and my husband talked to my parents that we will be moving out, but they didn't allow us. ang dami pa nilang sinasabi samin ng asawa ko. kesyo wala daw kaming utang na loob and all. first time ko makita si hubby na umiyak dahil sa mga sinabi ng parents ko. hindi ko alam kung paano ko i explain sa kanila na kaya kami lilipat is because masyado nila kaming sinasakal. ultimo pagsarado namin ng room namin(for privacy) issue pa sa kanila. I really don't know what to do. oo parents ko sila pero minsan iniisip ko bakit ganun sila. laging money [textspeak!] issues nila. i'm paying our electric bill na sobrang laki pero wala silang marinig sakin, pero sila ang dami nilang issues. ultimo groceries sa bahay, soap, shampoo, foods,etc. i mean, oo dalawa kami ni hubby nagwork pero wala kaming nasi save for my son's future. kapag nagkakasakit si baby,gusto nila itakbo agad sa doctor which is di namin agad magawa dahil walang pera. hindi nila un maintidihan.. sobrang di ko na alam gagwin namin ni husband.

[Girltalker2]

^ Sis, I think you and your hubby is making the right decision. Dapat lang naman bumukod kasi mas ok naman talaga to have your own family life at di lagi naka depend sa magulang.

Kausapin nalang ninyo ng maayos parents mo. Sabihin mo may pangarap din naman kayo na magbukod para masabi na "pamilya" talaga kayo. Promise your parents that you are to do weekly or kung possible mas madalas na visits for them.

Another reason for move out - kung makahanap kayo ng place na nearer to your workplace, may reason kayo to move out also.