bad advice?

[rianne_mallows]

kanina ko pa iniisip ito eh...  here's a slight background muna
mom and dad ko, mejo hindi ok kapag pera na pinag-uusapan.. basta, may history sila ng issue sa pera..

kanina nagkukwentuhan kami tapos napunta ang topic sa pera at ako ang nakita... sabi nila.. mom and sis,..  dapat  daw may secret stash ako(money) na hindi alam ng hubby ko...

alam ko nmaan yun at ginagawa ko yun although i get  it from the money he sends me.. as in yung mga sobra sa allowance namin ni baby.. malaki laki din naman yun at hindi naman ako kinukwentahan ng hubby ko.. he's the one telling me nga na gastusin ko yun kung paano ko gusto... pero i save it for myself and baby syempre... in fact yung birthday ni baby ko, ang alam niya 50k lang pero naka 100k+ ako..  dun ko kinuha sa ipon ko yung half nun since 50k lang ang hiningi ko sa kanya for the party...

ito ang gusto ni  sis at mother.. na hingan ko pa ng extra pa ang hubby ko na allowance.. kasi nga maganda may savings ako na malaki... ito pa ang masama dun... gumawa daw ako ng kwento.. kesyo ganito ganyan..  eh hindi ko ma-take kasi hindi ako ganun.. at never namin naging issue ni hubby ang pera.. at ayokong simulan ang issue ng pera..

hindi na ako dapat mag-explain eh kasi wala na naman sila dapat dun diba.. pero explain pa din ako na nakakasave naman ako for myself.. naiinis sila kasi hindi ko sinusunod ang gusto nila.. at nakakaawa daw ako... mga pinaglumaan daw ni hubby ang sakin.. ang luma lang naman eh yung cellphone since libre ang cellphone sa japan kapag line... nanghihinayang ako bumili ng bago kasi madami siyang cellphone na hindi ginagamit.. ibinenta na nga yung iba

isa pa, bihira na daw ako bumibili ng branded.. sabi ko, iba na kasi priorities ko... dinefend ko din siyempre asawa ko kasi pati naman siya lie-low na muna sa branded.. pati dalas ng spa ko napansin pa din... dati madalas, ngayon once a month o minsan hindi pa..

naiintindihan ko naman mom ko kasi pinalaki niya kami na "sagana" at ngayon na nakikita niya ako na tipid, naiinis siya..

ang kinaiinis ko lang, bakit hindi niya maintindihan na choice ko yun? kaya naman gastusan ng hubby ko ang luho ko pero choice ko na hindi maging maluho.. na hindi ako dinadamutan ng asawa ko.. na hindi ako tinitipid... paano ko ba ipaiintindi yun?

pasensya na sa rant ha... nagulat lang ako na yung ganung advice, manggagaling pa sa nanay ko... napalaki naman niya kami ng maayos pero gusto niya gulangan ko asawa ko

[1choi_ko9]

sis malaki ka na, and siguro naman you know better whether to follow what your parents want or not. Since you're married naman na and have your own life lyou can decide on your own. Yes proper na iobey ang parents but now na ikaw mismo alam mo na hindi na tama mga sinsasabi nila sayo and sa asawa and sabi mo nga hindi ganon tao then dont do it.

I guess right now naiipit ka kase syempre parents mo sila and naiipit ka dahil i know as much na gusto mo sila sundin para wala sila masabi kaso hindi mo nagustuhan ang sinsabi nila. I understand you sis. Ganyan din ako. Ang samin nga lang yung parents ko madalas nagagalit kung sa pano ko pinapalaki mga anak namin ng asawa ko.

Like you siguro, lumaki din ako na sunod lahat. Everytime may gusto go lang. Spa madalas din. And I also have may own stash of money when i was still single. Pero tama ka, right now pag married ka na nag iiba ang priorities and sakin naman I want my kids to learn the value of money. Ayaw ko kung pano ko pinalaki in terms of spending...hahaha Ngayon pag umiiyak anak ko and wants something and sasabihin ko kungyari we'll try if we can buy it, kahit naman may means kami to buy what my child wants I also want my son to learn at a young age na hindi pwede ano magustuhan bili agad. Kase ako nung maliit i admit na ganon kami pinalaki i can buy whatever i want. Siguro just to make me shut up and hindi sila mapahiya. But now that i am a mom ayaw ko maging ganon ang mga anak ko since alam ko na may tendency sila na maadapt nila sakin yun. And like what your problem is, kinukutsa ng parents ko yun, kesho hindi ko daw pwede turuan about money ang ganyan kaliit (4 and 5 years old na kids ko ha). But I told them na, "ma, kung hindi ko sila tuturuan ngayon palang kelan pa? By the time na dumating yan sa age 8 siguro mahihirapan na ako pagsabihan yan". Well thats me lang naman. Sabi ko rin: "I respect you and dad, but sana you also respect kung pano namin gusto palakihin mga anak namin". "I dont see anything wrong naman with what you want, its just that kami ng asawa ko hindi ganyan kung pano namin gusto ipalaki mga anak namin". Hindi everyday good life, hindi everyday madali kumita ng pera...what if kelangan magtipid pano maaunderstand ng mga anak ko ang meaning ng pera at magbudget pagdating ng panahon if masyado sila sagana simula pa lang?

So sa case mo sis, u have your own family now. Kung pano nyo mag asawa gusto ihandle ang pera its your call. And you know ano tama and go with what you think is right.

[blooming]

^^ So what is your question sis - ano dapat gawin mo - to follow or not to follow your mom's advise?

Question din - yan ba naging strategy ng mom mo kaya nagkaproblem ang mom mo sa dad mo with regards to money?  Or is your current money arrangement with hubby is how your dad used to do it kaya sila nagkaproblem ng mom mo sa pera?

Maybe your mom is just acting based on her experience. 

I would agree that you save money for rainy days (for yourself).  But I dont agree about lying or making up stories just to augment your allowance from hubby.  If you want your savings augmented, you can work for it yourself. 

While I don't agree to your mom's advise on making up stories, I would encourage you to think about her pov din - on WHY - because I am guessing na there is a REAL concern from your mom (I assume your mom is only looking after your own good naman).
Pag-isipan mo ito:

1. Are you not getting ALL of your hubby's income?  Nasa usapan naman kasi yan ng mag-asawa. Kung comfortable naman kayong 2 dyan, oks lang.  Pero napag-usapan nyo ba ito - on who will manage your family's income/savings?  Yes, may savings ka for yourself.  Pero how about savings ninyo mag-asawa - yung savings ninyo mag-asawa ang dapat mag-address ng future ninyo - future home/retirement, education ng kids, other plans, etc. You said you are "SAVING FOR YOURSELF and YOUR BABY", how about Saving for your hubby and SAVING FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY?  What if suddenly (knock on wood), mawalan ng work hubby mo or he has to come home for some reason?  Pano sya?  Who will look after him kung ang savings mo eh para sa iyo lang and kay baby?

2.  If you are not getting all of your hubby's income, and if both of you agree na sya na bahala sa savings ninyo, do you know exactly how much your hubby is earning?  do you also know how much are his expenses and savings?  Sa pagkakwento mo, it seems that your hubby is working and you're not. Sya ang may hawak ng money.  Pero as his partner, I think he should share them.  If he is not sharing, why? For these kinds of issues kasi, I believe that the wife should NOT demand to know, but these info should just be voluntarily shared ng mag-asawa.

3.  Major purchases and lifestyle ninyo as a family.  Could it be that your mom can see your hubby's comfortable lifestyle samantalang kayo eh tipid na tipid?  Kasi for me, everything is just a matter of balance.  Hindi practical na kunwari, you have P50k/month allowance but your hubby is earning P2M/month.  at the same time, if your hubby is only earning P50k/month, it is also not fair for you to ask and ask money from him.  He is earning for the ENTIRE family - not only for you and your baby, para sa sarili din nya.  Therefore, I believe dapat may balance kayo ano ang needs, wants, saving for the future, etc. 

[daveigh]

Ang akin, basta may bahid ng pagsisinungaling, hindi tama yan. Hindi ka nakakaawa kahit na pinaglumaan ang gamit mo. idea lang nila yan. Malaki ang tiwala ng asawa mo sayo kaya hinahayaan ka nyang gumastos kasi alam nyang responsable ka sa pera. If I were you, di ko sisirain ang trust na yan.

When in doubt, don't. They can only advice you as much, pero ang bottomline ng desisyon ay dapat na sa iyo. Pine-pressure ka lang nila that's why they cite such instances.

[rianne_mallows]

thanks sa replies.. sorry hindi ko pala napost yung question ko... ito lang naman
how can i make my mom shut up? without offending her syempre

Question din - yan ba naging strategy ng mom mo kaya nagkaproblem ang mom mo sa dad mo with regards to money?  Or is your current money arrangement with hubby is how your dad used to do it kaya sila nagkaproblem ng mom mo sa pera?

tatay ko kasi madamot .. tatay ko yun pero i have to be honest to myself.. noon kasi tinataguan niya ng pera mom ko.. hindi alam ni mom salary ng dad ko noon, hindi alam ang savings etc.. 


I would agree that you save money for rainy days (for yourself).  But I dont agree about lying or making up stories just to augment your allowance from hubby.  If you want your savings augmented, you can work for it yourself. 

exactly my point.. ayoko ng gusto niya mangyari

1. Are you not getting ALL of your hubby's income? 
on who will manage your family's income/savings? 

hubby and i discuss on  how our finances will be handled.. i dont get all of his money though i know kung magkano sweldo niya at saving niya.. OFW siya..  he shows me his payslip and bank account everytime he comes home..kusa niya iyon at never ko inobliga.. happy naman ako sa nakikita ko everytime..  yun ang savings for the whole family

peso savings namin here, ako naghahandle.. aside from allowance kasi he sends fixed savings at idedeposit ko lang iyon.. its under my name.. pero iyon actually yung para kay baby in the future

yung monthly allowance namin ni baby at yung savings ko for myself, iba din iyon.. i know may personal savings din si hubby pero i know naman din how much as very transparent naman siya..
 

2.  If you are not getting all of your hubby's income, and if both of you agree na sya na bahala sa savings ninyo, do you know exactly how much your hubby is earning?  do you also know how much are his expenses and savings?  Sa pagkakwento mo, it seems that your hubby is working and you're not. Sya ang may hawak ng money.  Pero as his partner, I think he should share them.  If he is not sharing, why? For these kinds of issues kasi, I believe that the wife should NOT demand to know, but these info should just be voluntarily shared ng mag-asawa.


parang nasagot ko na din ito... add ko lang din yes im not working.. he does not want me to work hanggat maliit pa si baby.. ok naman din ako dun

3.  Major purchases and lifestyle ninyo as a family.  Could it be that your mom can see your hubby's comfortable lifestyle samantalang kayo eh tipid na tipid?  Kasi for me, everything is just a matter of balance.  Hindi practical na kunwari, you have P50k/month allowance but your hubby is earning P2M/month.  at the same time, if your hubby is only earning P50k/month, it is also not fair for you to ask and ask money from him.  He is earning for the ENTIRE family - not only for you and your baby, para sa sarili din nya.  Therefore, I believe dapat may balance kayo ano ang needs, wants, saving for the future, etc. 

regarding lifestyle.. pareho naman kami nag-iba ng lifestyle.. siyempre kasi may baby na.. hindi na kami single.. since i know his salary, at alam ko din ang expenses niya, alam ko naman na hindi "maliit" yung padala niya at hindi kami tinitipid.. he's earning enough, and he sends enough lang..

regarding purchases and major money matters, we discuss it.. kahit simpleng pagbili ng psp we discuss it... and he listens when i say no.. ganun din naman ako..


i shared this kasi i want a non-biased point of view.. baka kasi ako nabubulagan lang or si mom ko, masyado lang naging takot sa experience niya

[daveigh]

how can i make my mom shut up? without offending her syempre

IMO, you can't make her shut up, unless mapagod na sya kakapaulit-uli.

If you want her to shut up, you have to be really steadfast on your decisions & principles. Tendency is, she will take it personally so offended pa rin sya.

if i were you, i will stand by my man. hindi lahat ng lalaki ay tulad ng tatay mo.

[blooming]

sis rianne - ok naman ang ginagawa mo. kaso hindi ko lang maintindihan anong issue ng mom mo bakit nya gusto ikaw magmake ng stories sa hubby mo. eh alam mo naman how much your hubby is earning and where the money goes. 

alam mo, lahat ng parents hindi gugustuhin na maghirap ang anak nila. so your mom should be secure na you and your hubby are looking forward to a very bright future. balak nyo kamo lumaki pa savings nyo para mas magawa ninyo ang gusto ninyo gawin in the future - kaya mas nag iba na priorities nyo.  at tsaka, she should understand that, mother naman din sya.  di ko lang talaga maintindihan ang logic ng mom mo.

in which case, the only way to shut her up is to tell her na you have separate savings naman na xx amount - mas masaya ka kamo nakikita lumalaki ang savings mo kesa napupunta lang sa kung ano anong luho.

[1choi_ko9]

you cant make your mom shut up. Iignore mo na lang yung things na ayaw mong sinasabi nya.

[chirochan]

^ whatever they say sis don't lie about money, hindi ka naman gipit eh, ganyan yun mama ko sa daddy ko eh, karma katapat ng pasisinualing, alam mo ang tama sa mali, baka makasama pa sa relasyon niyo yan

[Ms.Cacao70%]

kung mabait naman si mister sa yo at good provider naman siya, bakit kailangang mag-lie di ba? pwede ka namang maglambing paminsan-minsan kung may gusto kang bilhin pero kung maya-maya ka magsisinungaling...makakahalata na si mister niyan at baka magkaroon siya ng doubts sa yo.

honesty and trust...yan ang importante. ako i have my stash pero alam din ni hubby minsan binibilang ko pa sa harap niya! haha! minsan sya pa nagsasabi na dagdagan ko daw "ipon" ko. hehe. pero never niya yon kinuha or binawasan.

maganda siguro kung hindi ka nagkukwento sa mom mo ng tungkol sa finances. kung wala naman problema, i-keep mo na lang sa sarili mo. yung parents namin pareho ni hubby, walang alam kung magkano sweldo namin at kung magkano ipon namin. basta yan ang topic, binabago na namin ang usapan  inis pa nga ang biyenan ko non pero dedma lang kami. para sa akin, very private na pag pera pinaguusapan. pinagmumulan pa ng away, inggit at sumbat yan.

[babyjapnurse01]

IMHO, its just the protective nature of mommies na umiiral kaya ganun ang gusto ng mom mo na maging diskarte mo, na whatever happens, nasa safe side kayo ng baby mo. Im not saying its right kasi ako mismo ayoko nung idea na she wants you to lie so you can get more. I also wouldnt agree to those who said ignore the stuff your mom tells you na hindi mo gustong gawin kasi alam mong mali -- you need to address that and you have to do it the right way.

Im wondering lang, for mommy to say that, does she know the actual figures na pinapadala sayo ng hubby mo and the actual figure ng salary nya? Coz I think your mom wouldnt actually tell you to ask for more kung alam naman nya na tama lang din yung pinapadala sa inyo. Baka ganun ang feeling ng mommy mo, na the reason why you are so wise in spending is because tinitipid ka ng hubby mo.

You can shut mom up, yan ang paniniwala ko. And if you want mommy to leave the money issue alone, tell her its your choice not to live na extravagant ang lifestyle, na you choose to live that way na nagsspend wisely because you want to save up for future expenses na mas mahalaga, your mom needs a reassurance, you are married and Im sure ayaw nya lang na magka-problema ka just in case things get messed up, tell her hubby is giving you enough, actually more than what you actually need pa kasi nakakaipon ka pa nga, na you are living a simple life because its your own choice.

Your mom is concerned, kitang kita naman na yun yung purpose ng mga advice nya sayo, but then I dont get why gusto nyang gulangan mo yung hubby mo kaya I think you have to reassure her talaga na okay ka lang sa ganyang set up. Also, pagusapan nyo ding mag-asawa yung savings nyo as a couple which is different from your own savings sis, iba narin ang segurista, and it would need yung participation nyong mag-asawa para mas mamotivate kayong mag-ipon for the future.

[aquacharly]

Well, RIANNE MALLOWS,  all I can say is that your mother is just concerned about you, and yakking on what she deems to be in your best interest.   Yan naman ang role ng mothers di ba, ang impart to you the Big Lessons she learned in life.  Take it or leave it, it's  your decision. 

One time, tell her though that whatever financial arrangements you and your hubby have... that is something she cannot do anything about.  Such arrangements are unique to each couple.

About asking for a bigger allowance, or padding the household expenses...
IMO, the common phraseology is:   pagkupit sa asawa.   hehe
IMO, it is generally resorted to to re-allocate family funds use, coz some things take long to explain or cannot be explained away easily.
Who am I to say if such is good or bad?  Everything can be qualified either way. 

Now, do you need to do that?
Only you can say, insite of your  public protestations about the fairness and generosity of your hubby, your toned down personal lifestyle, etc etc
Why did you not charge/send the entire bill of P100thou to your husband, instead of secretly shouldering half?
Face the truth, and face your fears or anxieties.

Now, if all is at par, but you need a bigger psychological financial cushion... there are ways to go about it without being sneaky or hiding info from your husband.  Have him set up a separate account for say your kid's college fund, to which he regularly deposits a fixed amoiunt.. then you keep regular track of that.. malay mo one day whooosh!  withdrawn pala lahat....
Have him commit to a big asset investment, say a condo, another lot.. whatever, that will make him commit to a regular stream of payments...

The thing is, the less disposable income he controls, the more comfortably you sleep each night.

But the best insurance  you can get for yourself, darling, is  financial self-empowerment.  Look for a business you can run from home, or manage while letting you still take care of your kid - as your husband prefers. 
Find ways so that you not only have savings, but that your savings earn more for you... turn-over is what preserves your funds in the future, otherwise inflation just erodes your next egg.

[rianne_mallows]

thanks sa replies sissies.. now i think i see where my mom is coming from
 
alam niya  kasi na maliit yung padala for savings ni hubby compared sa savings doon na nasa japan kaya siguro siya naiinis.. kasi hindi ako ang may hawak.. pero reason nun kasi susunod na kami ni baby dun kapag naayos na ang papers.. which is pinaprocess na namin... useless for us na dito sa pinas ilagay a big chunk of the savings kasi doon na din naman kami titira. resident na siya doon  kasi kaya sure yung papers na maaaprove

yung sa birthday kasi, kasalan ko yun.. i went overboard hehe.. nag-usap na kasi kami nung budgeting kaso hindi ko sinunod... nandami ko gusto iadd kaya ayun..

regarding investments... hindi pa namin kaya condo, etc .. sad to say... hindi pa ganoon kalaki ang kita.. siguro kapag nagwork na din ako ulit...  although tali din naman yung sweldo niya since may educational plan and insurances namin dalawa.. si hubby nagbabayad din annually..

saka parang ayaw ni hubby na bumili ng bahay kasi sa kanya naman na yung house ng MIL ko.. nakapangalan na sa kanya so ang plan eh kapag nakaipon ng maganda eh business ang ipupundar hindi bahay..

regarding sa pag-iba ng lifestyle, i admit hindi na katulad ng dati.. kasi magastos magkababy   although proud naman ako na puro the best we can afford ang nasa kay baby.. 

sa pasyalat clothes.. SAHM ako .. saan ko naman gagamiting yung mga bonggang damit diba? hindi praktikal eh..


siguro din kasi nacocompare ako ng nanay ko sa mga kapatid ko.. parang unfair kasi 12 years and 11 years age gap ng sinundan ko.. natural well established na silang dalawa diba.. kami ni hubby nagsisimula pa lang..


anyway thanks sissies.. now i know tama ako pero siyempre makikinig pa din ako sa nanay ko kahit medyo sablay itong payo na ito

[lauren]

Just listen to your mom, thank her for her concern, and make her feel you respect her opinions.

Aside from the other advices given above, anothe way to manage unsolicited advices is to limit the amount of information you share about how you and your husband handle your family affairs. There will definitely be differences between the family we came from and the new family we are trying to build.  If there is something I don't agree with my siblings or parents, I also do not give unsolicited advices. I talk when I am asked. And after several years of clearly establising the boundaries, they have come to respect my (and my husband's) values which are clearly opposed to their beliefs.

[showermist]

Their advice of you saving is nice. The rest is bad.  Ginawa nga ng tatay mo sa kanya and look what happened?  Now gusto ng nanay at kapatid mo na gawin mo sa asawa mo yung ginawa ng tatay mo sa nanay mo?  Baka you and your hubby will end up with money issues too.

You know what is right.  Huwag kang papa-impluwensya sa mga taong mali naman ang itinuturo sa iyo. ke nanay mo man yan o kapatid mo.

You can always act like you're listening to them.  Huwag mo lang gawin yung bad advice nila.

[rianne_mallows]

again, thanks sa advice..  i know naman na mali.. pero  like i've said kailangan ko ng unbiased POV kaya ko nishare..  baka nga kasi nabubulagan ako dahil sa love.. ayoko maging ganun..