My daughter is different after her dad's visit

[ckay]

My daughter grew up with me. As in literally since the day she was born. My ex husband and I separated when she was 6 months old. He didn't visit her that much even we were only a street away from where he lives and also after I moved back to my mom's house. Last christmas, nagulat ako dumalaw sya with a bike on his hand. I thanked him pero i also said na hindi age appropriate yun gift nya. Hindi pa nga naglalakad at that time yun anak ko eh bibigyan na ng bike? Anyways to cut the story short, he asked if He can visit my daughter every rest day nya from work. My mom said pumayag na daw ako since he is still the dad although ako honestly parang ayaw ko. My point is nun time nga na ilang hakbang lang kami ng baby nya from their house, ni anino nya hindi ko nakita tapos ngayon after more than half a year, after her daughter's first birthday na pinangako nya he will share, after medyo nabawasan na expenses ko since i went back to my mom's house eh mag aapear na naman sya. Pumayag ako kahit masama loob ko kasi feeling ko tama sila na sya pa din ang daddy.

So since matagal na nya hindi nakita yun daughter ko, medyo binigyan ko sya ng overview. My daughter is really smart, nakakaintindi at nakakarelate. Madami nagsasabi mabait na bata at hindi mahirap alagaan. I agree, nag research ako ways para ma achieve ko yun sa daughter ko. Agree naman si ex. Lately nagiging regular ang visits nya, as in almost every week nandito. May na observe ako, this was few months ago and kinausap ko si ex. Sabi ko and ng mom ko as well as d yaya (may yaya pa baby ko at that time, ngayon wala) Na every after visit ng daddy nya eh nag iiba ugali ng baby ko for a day or two. One time nag observe ako habang nandito sya, napansin ko masyado nya spoon fed yun baby. As in always carry, always play time, nasusunod yun daughter ko on what to do, what toy to play basta excess to the max. Kinausap ko si ex, sabi ko although our daughter is just 18 months old but she can understand. Alam nya pag eating time, sleeping time, play time, watch time etc. Sabi ko as much as namimiss mo yun bata (kaplastikan ito honestly) He should be a parent, yun ma didistinct sya ng baby namin as a parent not a playmate. Magkaron ka naman ng konti disiplina. He said yes pero sa nakita ko walang nagbago everytime dadalaw sya.

Nawalan ako ng yaya almost 3 weeks na. So nag offer sya to help, pumayag ako since I wanted to rest din 24/7 talaga ako lang nagaalaga sa baby ko. Eto na 3 days sya nag alaga, on the 2nd day pa lang he knocked on my room saying he needs help, ayaw daw kumain or even maupo sa booster seat yun baby ko. So I went down to check, ayaw nga ni baby pero nun naging firm ako kahit umiiyak sya umupo pa din then I repeat to my ex, minsan kailangan mag disiplina ka. Same things sa pagpapatulog. 3rd day ganun pa din and parang lalong lumala.

Now its been 3 days after her dad's last visit and pansin ko hindi pa rin sya bumabalik sa dati. Never syang umiiyak before unless nasaktan but now, sleeping time =cry, milk time = cry, when i said no she doesn't follow, when i gave her toys (two usually to play) she wants a different one then will drop it on the floor afterwards. She hardly eats rice, puro juice, bread, sweets gusto nya. She was never a picky eater. Before if she hits me accidentally(syempre bata malikot esp pag nasa bed kami) she always say sorry then kiss me, kanina wala kahit i demanded na to her na she needs to say sorry. She doesn't want to sleep in her crib, gusto nya sa bed and her sleeping time is wala na din. Usually she sleeps around 9-9:30, kanina she sleeps 11:30pm.

What should I do? Alam ko at naaawa ako sa baby ko since nacoconfuse sya sa style ng parenting namin. I know mas tama yun sakin, nagbasa ko ng books, read lots online parenting style para nakakaadapt ako sa development nya by her age bracket, continuous learning nga ang pagiging mommy. Talagang kinacareer ko to since ako i grew up malayo loob ko sa mommy ko, laging napapalo etc which i don't want to happen samin in d future ng baby ko.

Minsan hindi ko alam if nanadya ba si ex or nag aasar lang talaga. Alam nya kasi kinampihan sya ng mommy ko once. Nahuli ko pa sya minsan na watching ufc, as in bloddy yun laban and my daughter was with her saying bug.... bug... everytime may masisipa or masusuntok. So i asked him if tama ba manuod sya nandyan yun bata. He just smiled at nilipat yun tv, sa asar ko sinabi ko kung wala kyong cable sa inyo, wag ka maki cable dito!

Hindi ko alam if limit ko visiting hours nya into like 3-4 hours lang, hindi ko talaga alam kung paano gagawin. I want the best for my daughter, hindi naman sya naghirap nagpalaki at ayaw nya tumulong. Bago ko panganak instead tumulong sya kc ilang buwan na ko puyat eh nag lalaro pa sya ng video games, ewan ko ba bakit pa ko nagpauto bumili ng high specs pc eh magagamit pala against sakin!

Help! Ayoko maging "kontrabida" na naman sa iba at sa kanya, na kesyo nagdadamot ako etc. Pero paano yun bata? At ako din naman talaga nahihirapan mag alaga at magbalik ng discipline sa daughter namin. Baka pati sa anak ko maging kontrabida ako, kc sa daddy nya kahit ano pwede.

[aquacharly]

First, don't get uptight, don't get tense.  Whether together or separated the biological parents -- may conflict over child rearing coz well, we don't come fom the same place ika nga.
What is critical now given your differences -- eh hwag mo palakihin, hwag mo gawing battleground to continue your past unresolved issues with your estranged hubby. 

Keep your cool, and talk things over with your hubby -- without judgment. Kung ano lang issue, yun lang. Hwag mo nang replay or tuhugin into a litany of a tragedy ang disappointment mo when he did not support you, your continuing disappointment with his  continuing lack of support, your being more mature and knowledgeable about child-rearing, etc etc etc etc. 

Your kid may be reacting to the tension and resentment she feels, hence the uncooperativeness.  She is an intelligent kid, so for sure she catches the undercurrents.  Oo, andon na ko -- you have valid reasons for your basket of negative emotions vis-a-vis your hubby.  But your kid is not part of the past  equation.  Neither should she be part of a contest - kung sino mas magaling or kadapat dapat, or mas masipag or responsible na parent.  Do not involve her that way.  See, no one person can be everything to another person -- even if you work hard at it 24/7.  Your kid has something good to   gain too, and joy to get too, from your  estranged hubby -- even if  he was/is a Loser as far as you are concerned. 

If you can try to  have a charitable heart to  konting forgive your hubby for his trespasses or deficiencies vis-a-vis  you ---  life will be lighter and moving forward is gonna be easier - with less bitterness.  Lighten up, do not be the one  to bear the burden of what your hubby is -- "kulang" sya sa timbangan sabi mo.  With his faults and deficiencies, it is still a blessing he wants to be a part of his kid's life. He may not be as sharp as you are with child-rearing, but he tries; and if you communicate constructively with him -- you 2 will be on the same page 1 day. 

So, be positive, be constructive.

[ckay]

^Thanks for the advice.

I talked to him nicely about the situation and he listens naman. I asked him to observe muna so he will not think that im only making it up. Yes, he did listen pero after two days bumalik na naman sa dati. I'm teaching my daughter at the same time my ex husband. With my daughter i understand if she don't get it, she is just a child but with my ex, I can't help it talaga. May times na nakakainis na. He is old enough to understand, may anak na nga sya eh. I always tell him sya mag aadjust sa bata since sya ang nakakaintindi. Imagine, I'm helping him then mag drama pa after. Parang mas mahirap pa sya kausap kesa sa anak ko. Konti pa, mag papasensya pa ko. Sana lang temporary lang effect nya sa daughter namin. Ewan ko ba bakit parang he triggers something in my daughter na she will just cry, shout and wont eat.

[Ms.Cacao70%]

relax ka lang sis, huwag ka ma-praning. your little kid is growing up. i dont think its your ex's fault that her attitude is changing. she's just developing her own personality. that's part of growing up. kahit naman yung anak ko ganon din ang pinagdaanan noon. from masunurin to makulit. from healthy eater to picky eater, madalas na mood swings, we potty trained her pero during the process, naiihi pa din siya sa panty niya, ayaw niya umupo sa potty. things like that but she overcomed it. kasi habang lumalaki sila, they become assertive to their own needs and wants. of course you have to set some rules but loosen up a bit. take it one day at a time.

and instead of criticizing your ex's every move, work as a team na lang. kze napi-feel din nang bata yung tension at na-stress din siya pag stress ka. feeling ko parang nagseselos ka sa bonding nilang mag-ama kaya pinupuna mo bawat maling ginawa ng ex mo. no parent is perfect but your ex is eager to learn and he is very patient with you too. so give him a chance. and ulitmatum naman diyan, both of you wants the best for your child. kung relax ka at wala kang ibang taong sinisisi, baka maging relaxed din ang anak mo during meal time at mas malalaman mo kung ano ang gusto niya.

[ishickle]

Sis..baka she's starting already the "Terrible Twos" Stage. I don't think it's because of your ex. I mean you might be seeing that way because you had your disappointments and frustrations with him when you were still together. Kaya you feel everything na bago and you don't like eh because of him. Because you have your own issues. Or the kid also feels your emotions that's why she is showing the same emotions. LIke what've said, she's smart. And kids are really smart...try to be nice to your ex. as in nice but don't let your guard down...and just continue with your disciplining method and let him observe how you handle things. Show him your style don't expect him to know yours...di ba?

[ckay]

It happened again. Oh well, i don't think its the terrible two stage. Nakikita ko naman yun difference between her mood swings and her dad being there. Again for the nth time kinausap ko si ex husband. All the tips, things that will click with my daughter etc. Then i let them be and me from a far observe lang. The thing is after few hours babalik na naman ni ex yun sa kanya, his own ways dealing with my daughter etc which didn't worked with my daughter quite a few times already. I know, most of you thinks crinicritize ko lang sya but honestly i am not. Gusto ko nga mag work out yun time nila together kasi gusto ko din mapahinga. Kaso what happens EVERY TIME he is leaving iba talaga sya. Mapapahinga nga ako ng ilang hours pero ang kapalit is hirap naman ako ng mga 2 days or more. I always said to my ex, sya ang mag aadjust sa bata kc matanda na sya, sya ang nakakaintindi. Wag nya ipilit yun ways nya if its not working. If this way of playing doesn't work out, try a different way, hindi yun ipipilit nya ng ipipilit until sa tingin nya tatanggapin na lang nun bata. Alam ko kc cooperation is what needed here pero ano gagawin ko kung mas mahirap pa kausapin ang isang matanda kesa sa below 2 yrs old. Minsan naiisip ko kahit mahirapan na lang ako 24/7, ako na lang din mag isa, wag na ko mag ask ng help sa kanya. I've done it more than a year and a half, malamang makakaya ko din kahit ilang years pa. I'm still hoping it will work. Sana may easier way. Sana meron tayo sis na may almost the same experience to give me advice.