30 and not yet ready? Be nice

[nicoletta]

Hi,

How would you feel if you had a boyfriend who is 30 and not yet ready?

Let's say you have a boyfriend and you know that he cannot support you yet because he is working for the family business... How would you feel about that knowing you are both in your 30's?  If he tells you to wait, would you? 

[showermist]

Ready for what?

It all depends.  If he meant he's not ready financially, emotionally, what-not maybe he really is not.  You can't insist on 'going' to that direction (wherever that is) and realized later that it was a wrong move afterall. 

What if he's 30? What if you're both in your thirties.  Don't let age pressure you.  Hmn, on the otherhand, nakakapressure nga kung may plano pala kayong magka-anak.

Try to have a serious talk.  Assuming you are on that level where you can lay your plans--your future plans where 'family' ek ek is involve.  My boyfie and I did that. And it did great.

I wish you well. 

[mooncake and leaves]

To me kasi, it doesn't matter for as long as I know we're set on getting married eventually and he's giving me a reasonable time frame. But that's just me and that's because I really don't worry about my biological clock. If you're worried about that, then I suggest you have a serious discussion with your bf.

But my default answer is, it's ok for as long as you want the same things and you're working to get there. I'm close to 30 myself and my bf is turning 30 this year and our guesstimate is, we'll hopefully get married in 5 years or so, when we're done with our individual goals. Like you and your bf, we have to finish so much stuff pa. That 5 years could extend pa nga eh.

Of course, every couple's different. So goodluck and hope you figure it all out. I'm sure you guys will be ok.

[_katelicious_]

Me naman, if I think that the guy loves me, and he is independent, I might consider 

[shopaholic18]

both of you in 30's, actually pwede pa naman yun kaso depende sa preferences, like if you plan to have a baby, medyo deliakdo kasi sa girl eh, sa lalaki walang kaso yun.

[shiftingsands]

as long as you love each other and kung siya talaga gusto mo makasama
for the rest of your life then i think you should wait. but ask him how long,
kasi baka naman at his age ni wala pa siya talaga ginagawa para maging
ready, baka pumuti na mata mo kaka wait that's not reasonable anymore.

you have to be open to him, let him know kung ano gusto mo and maybe
you can meet halfway. frustrating talaga yung ganyang situation.

[prettykhae]

as long as you love each other and kung siya talaga gusto mo makasama
for the rest of your life then i think you should wait. but ask him how long,
kasi baka naman at his age ni wala pa siya talaga ginagawa para maging
ready, baka pumuti na mata mo kaka wait that's not reasonable anymore.

you have to be open to him, let him know kung ano gusto mo and maybe
you can meet halfway. frustrating talaga yung ganyang situation.

ako i let him know, sabi ko naman dahil 5 ang like nya na kids, im 26 an he's running 30, sinasabi ko na ayokong umabot ng 30.. mahirap yung uber late naman na mag-asawa. kasi baka hindi ako mabuntis agad e... lalo 5 ang gusto nya.though sabi naman nya, di ako aabutan ng 30. sana nga. minsan kasi nakakasawa ang single na e. pwede mag level-up na? ahahaha

[shopaholic18]

^parehas tayo, i only want 2 pero si bf is stable na, were on the pre planning stage na nga, ayoko lang din abutan ng 30 pero may enough time pa naman, i just turned 25, masyado lang takot abutan ng 30, working in the medical field, you realize things like that. bf and me pa naman belongs to the health care team kaya we both know and we both agree on that matter.

[Kady_14]

You'd know him better. Kung me plans naman of eventually settling down and napag-uusapan nyo yun. Kung sa akin, OK lang.

Pero kung wala talagang napa-uusapan na mga ganung bagay, nakow mahirap na baka maghintay sa wala.

My bestfriend broke up with her long time bf for 7 years - walang plano. She felt she wasted so much time.

[shopaholic18]

^i've been in almost the exact situation as her, ako naman 4 years relationship, and yeah i think i've wasted a lot of time then comes a guy who's been straight to the point the moment i met him. may plans and all and when we talk about our future, ang gaan ng usapan. must have met the person i am destined to be with finally. we'll just have to wait and see if he proposes, for the meantime ok pa naman ako, still have 5 more years.

[_katelicious_]

In my case, my bf and I talk about babies and marriage sometimes but I don't know how serious it is.  I also don't want to get pressured anymore while I'm concentrating on expanding my business.  It's hard enough as it is.  I do understand the need to have a baby before 35, but then again, we can rush things like this one.

[aquacharly]

NICOLETTA, I assume you are talking about being ready to settle down.

How would you feel if you had a boyfriend who is 30 and not yet ready?
Let's say you have a boyfriend and you know that he cannot support you yet because he is working for the family business... How would you feel about that knowing you are both in your 30's?  If he tells you to wait, would you? 

You are at the starting gate, and he hasn't arrived there yet but intends to.  Well, it is but appropriate/practical to ask him for specifics.. exactly what and when.

You do not have to make a decision on this anytime soon, so think it out well.  What popped out at me in your short cuento was the fact of the family business.  This is what is gonna have the most impact on your lives together, as long as he stays in that  family business.  You see, IMO, Phil scenario -- the family member in the family business is the eternal hostage.  A bigger hostage if he does not own the business entirely, or does not own the majority interest.  So think it out, it may not be only now that he is not comfortably well off, but even later on.. even if the business is doing well, but if the family is predisposed to putting everything in the business.... even when the business is doing well, he may still be financially far from the good life. 

1 of my mom's BFFs used to be married to the first son of a family that owned a shipping company here in the Phils.  Her husband is the CEO of this family business.  Their vacations were determined by the requirements of the business.  They go abroad where and when he must attend a business meeting.    The business dictated on their social circle, way of living, etc etc.   On the surface, wow, what a good life!  They sure looked prosperous.  BUT the truth was, they still lived in her parents' huge home, and all they could afford on their own was a Makati condo.  The MIL controlled their lifestyle by controlling the allowances for everything, down to the kids' school allowances.  You are talking of a very well-educated man in his 40s with a family of his own, who would have given himself, his wife and kids more had he worked for another company.  Eventually, she resented the tight financial control.  Everybody was benefitting from his management and from their own careers or businesses, whereas here they were controlled by her MIL. 

So there, think that aspect out well.  A family business is like a dictator actually. My husband and I own our businesses, but heck, there are times I think of ourselves as hostages to the business.  You cannot just turn your back on it, you cannot just say... go on vacation, everybody is out there on vacation.  yeah, right.  So if that family business is something your BF will not let go of, but intends to expand on... think out what you are gonna be saddled with as co-hostage. 

[m_lim]

^ang tawag ko sa mga lalaking ganyan, walang b*lls. hehe.

Nicoletta, pag isipan mo nga mabuti. kung kaya mo ba?  goodluck!

[nicoletta]

aquacharly

What would be the option of your friend's husband if he was not working for the family business?  Perhaps he was also thinking that the business will go to them in the future anyways?

m_lim

I'm not yet financially independent in the sense that I cannot afford to buy my own house yet.  I can afford the other things, so I was really hoping that I would end up with someone who is independent as well.

I'm really weary right now.  I don't have any other activities aside from work and hanging out with him. Now I kind of want to join groups again just for the sake of my sanity.

[akthung]

well it really depends sa family. it would be hard to classify those people as men without balls because they may have a sound reason naman. what if they're the only heir? or 2 lang sila na anak? there are a lot of reasons.

on the other hand, if ikaw nga naman inside the family, the word of caution always is ingat ka sa mapapangasawa mo. kasi kadalasan sila naninira ng harmony and unity. walang magbabalat sibuyas ha, this is true up to a certain extent. and it hold true to families not just family businesses.

but for me, if i were the Patriarch, i would treat my children professionally. Work wise, i will treat them like an outsider: Here's my compensation, bahala ka na what to do with it with your family. you don't have to live with me, i won't meddle with your affairs, i will not be like Howard's mother in Big Bang Theory. basta do your job well. and keep our secrets safe. malasakit is the trait that you can easily find in family members.

inside and outside the house, i will treat them professionally. unfortunately, kakaiba ang ugaling matanda sa Pinas. or maybe even the family business model in the Philippines. but mind you, there are beautiful familes out there. and i've met some of them. You'll die with envy.

so have a chat with him. ask your bf, what's in it for him in terms of the Family business. Let him know kung ano ang ayaw mo na set up sa family business.  if its big, he'll get to gain a lot of experience. so if experience is what's he is after, hanggang kelan?

if he plans to work after that, well, some companies frown at applicants who have worked in family business. kasi how nga naman can they truthfully know how good a worker is he? second, working in the family business has been the eternal excuse for bums. so how will he get work after that?

if he plans to go into business, then what are his plans, make a 5 year plan for the both of you.

there are two options. Option A: if the family is just going to be controlling, and hindi sila professional enough to give space to you guys, and respect your space etc, take off! make your own business.

option B would be to stay. but he should give you an idea on how he will be able to support you. he should lay down the cards and show you what you will be getting into.

personally, given the probability of having an "enlightened" family business model. i bet my money on Option A.

***

On a side note, leaders should really have a high level of enlightenment. unfortunately, Patriarchs fail to be such and end up as dictators.

[rae]

Ang sabi ng boss ko sakin dati sa officemate ko ayaw pa magpakasal:  "You can NEVER be financially ready to start a family. You can never have ENOUGH money. Besides, you can always be ready together."

Anyway, my bf's in his mid-30s and I'm in my late 20's.  I'm ok with our situation not being married though. I don't feel the need to get married and I never really dreamed of having kids. So, maybe that's why I'm ok.

[_katelicious_]

There is a reason for everything.  If the guy is willing to start his own business, and still continue his work in the family business so you can both be independent, that is something to be admired.

Mahirap din naman umalis sa family business lalo na [textspeak!] malaki yung business.  Most chinese families maraming investments, it would be a waste to leave that behind so pag isipan mo rin yan.

[bleudskymd]

I'm okay with it. I appreciate his honesty that he's not yet ready to settle down, and lahat kailangang paghandaan (from wedding to having kids). I can see that slowly by surely, he has some stuff (like having his own home, car) before he makes a bigger move. I can wait patiently, since I trust him & I am confident that kami naman talaga ang magkakatuluyan.

[IronLady]

narinig ko din yun, yung u can never have enuf money sa officemate ko pagdating sa pagpapamilya. hehe. anyways sis, mafi-feel mo naman kung sincere si bf mo and if hes just playing around. dont let age pressure you. u are well aware of your bf's situation din naman. pagusapan nyo lang and chek mo kung may plan nga ba sya pakasalan ka. at least be happy na si bf e mature enuff para malaman mga mgging responsibilities nya pag nagpakasal kayo.. and gusto nya maging ready para dun.

ako 25 na, my bf is 2yrs. older. feeling ko hindi pa kami papakasal nyan kahit mag30 ako. kasi maxado yun na gusto ayos ang lahat, may pera pangtustos etc. haha! kaya pag ako nabwisit 30 na ko di pa kami ngpapakasal lokohin ko yun papabuntis ako sa kanya tapos ok lang na di muna kami magsama. wahaha! jowk lang. naisip ko lang yun kasi mahirap na magkaanak when your on your mid 30s e..

[rae]

Medyo hindi ko nga naiintindihan pa kung bakit kelangan plantsado na ang lahat before you get married.

Of course kelangan ng level of readiness. Pero kung halimbawa mature and emotionally ready na pareho, and may enough money para mabuhay pareho, I don't see why kelang i-delay. Lalo na kung decided na, na kayo na talaga for each other.

Getting married doesn't mean magfafamily na agad. Mas madali for me magready kung magkasama na kayo. Kasi divided na ang expenses, tapos, in a way pwede mo na bawasan yun binibigay mo sa parents mo kasi iba na ang situation nyo. Mas magagawan nyo na pareho ng plano at diskarte ang future.

Also, I think maganda din na merong time i-enjoy ang company ng isa't isa, na wala pang baby.