How to handle infedility of your partner?

[mslcgrey]

there are people who treat infidelity as an instant deal-breaker.  For me, it's a very immature way to deal with the situation.  Try to treat it as a symptom of an underlying  problem.  The go after the problem instead of wallowing in hurt.

Even relationships need to get back up on their feet when they get knocked down.  IF they are worth getting back up for.

Based on what people share on this thread and also based on other stories, infidelity is actually not a deal breaker especially for girls or women. Ang dami ngang hindi lang isang beses pinatawad. Paulit-ulit na pinapatawad ng mga wives ang kanilang cheating husbands or kahit yung mga magboyfriend pa lang because of the belief that they will change.
I know what it feels to be cheated and even, sadly, to cheat. Nung nagcheat ang ex-bf ko, ako pa ang nagmakaawa na wag nya akong iwan. That I will be a better gf and so on. Kasi nga naniniwala tayo na may magagawa pa.
Nung ako nagcheat, lahat ng excuses sinabi ko rin. Na hindi ko na sya mahal, na nasasakal ako, etc.
Now, I realized na kapag may nakita ka ng problem sa relationship mo hindi sagot yung gumawa ka pa ng isang problema. May nakikita kang mali sa partner mo, why don't you tell him or her what is wrong para bago mawala yung maganda nyong relationship eh nacorrect mo na. Love is not just an emotion, it is also an action. You choose to love the person you are with. So do everything as long as he/she is also doing something to make your relationship work. If parang nawawala ang sparks, then find ways to bring that back. Don't find it on someone else.
Kaya if maging instant deal breaker man ang infidelity ng partner, it is not immaturity. Immature yung nagcheat kasi wala syang ginawa para pigilan ang sarili nya at iayos ang mali na nakikita na pala nya sa relationship nya. If you choose not to love the person anymore, then break it off first bago mo hanapin sa iba yung sparks, yung kilig.
Sa mga mag-asawa mahirap gawin yun kaya nga di dapat minamadali yun unless you are mature enough to keep your promises.
I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. This is just my opinion, if you don't share it ok lang.

[p0g1ng]

chofontanilla - sis, kahit na isang minuto lang sila nagsama at naghiwalay ng 50yrs after nila ikinasal, they'll still remain as husband and wife... maliban na lang kung sa ilalim mg puno ng Makahiya sila nagpakasal at yung Barangay Tanod ang nag officiate ng kasal nila. ayon, peke yon.

what will i do?...
     alagaan ko ang pagbubuntis ko.
       pag nanganak, singiling ang tatay ng hospital expenses, tapos, yung monthly support.
         keep my distance away from him at baka mabuntis na naman uli.
         (hayaan ko syang mag-laway kung gusto nyang simsimin sa alindog ko )
           ingat sa pamilyang 'kunsintidor'...1st apo? baka sabik lang magkaroon ng apo...bastard naman
             wag na magtiwala sa isang SINUNGGALING katulad nya.
             (isipin ko na napa-ibig laman ako ng dahil sa kasinunggalingan nya... at eto, buntis, di makasal, kakahiya)

[guilleanne]

You know mga sis I have been thinking lately, sa pag babasa ko sa tread na to at sa iba pa tungkol sa cheating husbands, i really feel for you sisses who has been through this situation, i can only imagine gaano ka sakit.

But thinking about my parents, ang dad ko sobrang babaero, my parents have been separated for 14 years now, but i know my dad still cares for her, people can't believe na my mom still has monthly allowances from my dad, besides pa dun ang child support kahit isa na lang ang minor sa aming apat na magkakapatid, and he always reminds us to respect and love our mom, take care of her, even pag nagkakasakit mom ko sagot pa nya bills sa hospital and meds. And ngayon nga pina parenovate pa nya bahay ni mommy. So is it possible na kahit polygamous ang lalake eh mahal nya ang asawa nya, or is it possible sa isang lalake na more than 1 woman ang mahal nya.

Para sa isang babae sa panahon natin ngayon, parang hindi katanggap tangap, we know it's wrong, and because we know it's wrong maybe that is why we hate it and it hurts us. But that is this day and age. Is it because morality is relative? kaya infidelity hurts us?

Or is male polygamy an absolute characteristic of a male species. Back in the days men are allowed to be polygamous and the women accepted it. Almost every race and every religion practices polygamy nuon. An in some cultures and religion they still practice this.

So what is my point exactly? If morality is relative, yes infidelity is wrong. And if men are absolutely born polygamous, I'm thinking that women are naturally born to forgive, to keep the family together, to accept things for the sake of her children, to suffer in this pain but to keep strong and to be able to pull through, I guess God made us that way.

I always thought I'm a one strike you're out kind of girl, maybe I'm not like that after all.

[hotjurist]

If I found out such affair, I will confront my partner, & to leave the relationship instantly!  I dont go for second chances! 

[shinta]

^ i used to think the same way. pero nung nangyari sakin, tapos kasal na kami and we'll be having a baby, na-realize ko di pala ganun kadali. kahit alam kong kayang-kaya kong mabuhay at buhayin mag-isa ang baby namin kahit wala siya, i just can't let everything go dahil sa ginawa niya.

question sa mga sis na nakakarelate: after forgiveness and acceptance, how do you move on from this? how do you learn to trust again?

[beautifuldreamer]

maybe to preserve the family unit...the mother should ensure that it will not break the "should be"relationship with in the family in cooperation with the father of course...as to the relationahip between father and mother as husband and wife...whatever both make them happy they were adult already...as long as they dont affect the kids environment while growing up....

[angelita]

^ i used to think the same way. pero nung nangyari sakin, tapos kasal na kami and we'll be having a baby, na-realize ko di pala ganun kadali. kahit alam kong kayang-kaya kong mabuhay at buhayin mag-isa ang baby namin kahit wala siya, i just can't let everything go dahil sa ginawa niya.

sis, watch fireproof. its in youtube and check the book lovedare available at pcbs.
question sa mga sis na nakakarelate: after forgiveness and acceptance, how do you move on from this? how do you learn to trust again?

[pressany]

question sa mga sis na nakakarelate: after forgiveness and acceptance, how do you move on from this? how do you learn to trust again?

Forgiving and accepting are two treacherous mountains to conquer. Hindi madaling magpatawad at tanggapin ang katotohanan na niloko ka o naisahan ka.  Mahirap mag move on but in my case, I weigh the relationship.  I put the "good things we shared" in one column and compared it with "his sin" column.  I balance the equation plus factored in other considerations, e.g. kids future, my shortcomings as a wife, my sanity and reputation (family, job/career).  After looking at the data, sans emotion, I decided to forgive and suck it in.  Afterall, the "good things", kids, family, job, sanity outweighed the "sin". I talked with my husband, showed him "my study" and gave him another chance, PROVIDED that he will not do it again.

[yssayjayla]

^ i used to think the same way. pero nung nangyari sakin, tapos kasal na kami and we'll be having a baby, na-realize ko di pala ganun kadali. kahit alam kong kayang-kaya kong mabuhay at buhayin mag-isa ang baby namin kahit wala siya, i just can't let everything go dahil sa ginawa niya.

question sa mga sis na nakakarelate: after forgiveness and acceptance, how do you move on from this? how do you learn to trust again?

at first mahirap talaga. even after forgiving him madalas pa rin mag-away lalo na pag naalala mo yung ginawa and you can still feel the pain. i've talked to him, and told him na he has to be patient with me lalo na at times na nagagalit na naman ako. i need to release my sentiments sa kanya eh. lahat ng sama ng loob ko sinasabi ko. to be honest, i feel better everytime i am opening up to him. and it feels much better everytime nagsesentimyento ako eh he keeps saying sorry and that hindi na mauulit and that i am the only one he loves. although hindi pa rin ako ganun completely healed pero i know in time eh i'll be ok na din basta he's there.

[shinta]

^^sis, complete trust ba na agad? like pag sinabi  niyang di na siya uulit, you will believe. no snooping, no spying, no asking of questions? no digging up of his sins.

minsan kasi, parang nagpaparinig ako. minsan dinadaan ko sa joke yung mga ginawa niya pero sinasabi niya bat lagi ko daw bino-brought up yung topic. pano daw kami makaka-move on pag ganun?


^that's also how it is with me sis. ok na di ok. his sins are forgiven but not forgotten.

[witchme000]

^same here sis. di ko maiwasan na mag snoop. sa cp nya. sa ym nya, sa wallet nya, sa bag nya.as in sa lahat ng gamit nya. mag 2 months pa lang since i caught him and since then, almost everyday ko na to ginagawa... ang hirap din ha. yun feeling ng laging duda ka sa kanya. tapos paparinig din ako minsan sa kanya then sasabihin nya na wag ko na daw balikan yun for us to move on and that i should trust him totally this time. parang ganun lang kadali.

[pressany]

^^Of course hindi madali yung ibalik agad yung trust.  In my case kase more than the cheating, mas nagalit ako dahil hindi sya naging maingat sa ginawa nya at nalaman ng family ko (my mom and my sisters) ang pagloloko nya.  What I did was damage control.  Nung nabuko sya ng family ko and sinabi sakin (though, nararamdaman ko na na may ginagawa syang hindi maganda) that was the last straw. Natakot ako for my kids, kase masyadong love ng mga anak ko ang asawa ko and for them their dad is an ideal dad.  Knowing that their dad cheated on me might devastate them.

Believe it or not, I am not really hurt dun sa pagkakamali ng asawa ko.  Mas nangibabaw yung takot na pagnalaman ng mga anak ko yung ginawa ng ama nila at masira ang perception nila ng healthy relationship.  I admit, I am more of a mother than a wife. 

^Did I check his celphone and wallet after the incident? Yes. 
Nagpaparinig ba ako? Nope. 
When I said, I just sucked it in, alam ni husband na ultimatum na yun, na I'm staying in the marriage because of my kids.  If not for them, I'll leave him. 

[yssayjayla]

sisses, yes i couldn't help myself to snoop. and if pag meron ako di nagustuhan i confront him agad. like you mga sis, lagi nya sinasabi na pano kami mag-move on if i still continue to bring it up? eh ang hirap naman talaga. i couldn't help comparing how he treats me and the other ones.

[iammrsgongyoo]

Been there...done that...at the end...i gave up...got tired...and im more at peace with myself now...kids doesn't know we are "separated".  made them think he's assigned somewhere...

[chris_mend]

pray and surrender everything to God..let him go..

[angelee]

I gave up already..

[mom_G]

^ hope you're ok sis.  it will get better with time.

[december]

gusto ko na rin sumuko.  dapat nga marunong na ako kung paano i-handle ito kasi ilang beses na din nya ako niloko pero di pala.  akala ko napatawad ko na husband ko pero di pa pala halos araw-araw sumasagi pa din sa utak ko ang ginawang panloloko nya sa akin.  more than a month nung na-discover ko pero parang fresh pa din lahat.

kanina lang while tulog sya nag-sneak ako sa cp nya, may nabasa akong text from leah na humihingi ng 1,500 na load.  2 months ago may nabasa din ako from leah humihingi ng 300 load pero sabi ng husband ko wrong send daw yun.  nagulat ako kasi di na ito wrong send kasi twice na eh, then nagising husband ko, aba nagalit sa akin wala daw ako respeto sa privacy nya at sabi pa nya ako daw ang sumisira sa pamilya namin.  eh syempre nagreact ako, inungkat ko din lahat lahat ng mga panloloko nya sa akin.  galit na galit sya sa akin, ayun umalis sya ng bahay, ewan ko saan sya pupunta. 

ngayon lang tumawag sya, di pa ako ngkapag-hello sumisigaw na sya sa kabilang line na ina mo, demonyo ka! siniraan mo ako dun sa bestfriend mo! (nalaman nya kasi na nagkwento ako sa bff ko sa province), ako hindi ako nagsasalita na ikakasira mo!  *censored* mo wag mo ibintang sa akin ang mga bagay na gawain mo puta ka!  kung gusto mong umalis, gawin mo hindi puro ka lang salita!"  di na ako nakapagsalita kasi binaba na nya, pwede ko naman syang barahin habang nagsasalita sa pero parang umurong dila ko, na shocked ako sa mga narining ko. 

bakit ganun?  parang binaligtad nya ako.  wala na daw ako respeto sa kanya.  ano gusto nya ang respetuhin ko ang pambabae nya?  juice ko!  mga sis di ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin ko.

[heavensent]

^sis, siguro give him some space, iwan mo muna sya maybe marereliaze nya na mali yung ginagawa nya..

kung sa akin sinabi yan, naku alsa balutan na agad ako..

[december]

sana ganun nga kadali sis ang lumayo muna.  ang dami kong dapat i-consider.  first yung mga anak ko, kung ano sasabihin ng pamilya ko kung bakit (wala silang idea na ganun ang husband ko), anong mangyayari sa akin very dependent ako sa husband ko.  kung uuwi muna ako ng davao bukas eh paano pag-aaral ng panganay ko di naman pwedeng iwanan ko tapos ang pinaka-inaano ko din itong si bunso ayaw talaga sumakay ng plane (nagno-nosebleed sa sobrang nerbyos).  di naman kami pwede mag-bus kasi 2days na byahe yun at twice sasakay ng bardge. 

naku sis gulong-gulo utak ko, bakit ako pa ngayon ang mali?   ano ba dapat ang ginawa ko?  dapat bang intindihin ko mga nagawa nyang kasalanan para sabihing good wife ako?  hindi ba talaga ako dapat nag-kwento sa bestfriend ko tungkol dito?