I do not want my dad in my life but he needs help...should i take the high road?

[miksha]

I am sharing this so that my fellow sisters here can enlightenment me/help me..

My parents separated after I finished college. My parents had an agreement before separating that my dad would no longer contact us in anyway. We did not hear anything from him after a few years. After I got married and had a baby, my dad suddenly showed up at my place of work looking for me. I was polite and civil. After nang polite na kumustahan I asked what he wanted. Wala naman daw nangungumusta lang. I told him that I was happy with my life, tahimik, maayos and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I made it clear that this was my decision, not from my mom or anyone else but mine. He said he understood and then left. Haven’t heard anything from him since.

After a few more years (we are now working out of the country) we got a message from my MIL that my dad visited the house (my MIL’s house where we lived when we were newlyweds before going abroad). Nangungumusta. They said he looked thin, sick and mukhang naghihirap. He left his number for us to contact him.

A little bit of history… My mom and dad are not in good terms for as long as I can remember. Kahit nung maliit pa ako. Madalas sila magaway. The usual – drinking, staying out too late, strip bars, money…  My dad was not an abusive dad in a sense that he never hurt us physically or verbally. But I grew up feeling as If I never had a father. That he never genuinely cared about the wellbeing of his kids and his family. To make it short… my mom may be crazy and she drives me insane pero dahil sa kanya hindi kami nagutom na magkapatid, dahil sa kanya nakatapos kami ng pagaaral. Dahil sa mom ko lumaki kami na dissente, may bahay na natutuluyan at hindi sa kalye, may damit na nasusuot at may gamot kapag maysakit.

Back to the present. I still don’t want anything to do with my dad. I don’t want him back in my life in all aspects of it (my family, husband, kids,etc…). But there is this also this thing that I know the right thing and that I should take the high road and help him if he needs help….  But I have issues if I help:
1.   If he needs financial aid (pwedeng nagugutom siya, maysakit, etc…) and I can help financially, I want it to be a one time deal. Ayaw ko na kailangan ko siyang sustentuhan. Ayaw ko na magkakaron kami nang communication nang matagal.
2.   If he just says that he wants to mend fences or makilala grandkids niya ayaw ko din

Hubby feels I should take the high road and help, he believes it will “heal” me. He believes that by doing the right thing (he believes making contact, communicating, opening the door and helping is the right thing) it will only bring me good things. Hindi ako naniniwala. Hubby asked what could my dad possibly do that could hurt me now. Sabi ko I don’t know but I don’t want him in my life and if I help him gusto ko one time lang. no more. Also, i don’t want to talk to him. Kaso pano ko naman malalaman kung ano ang gusto niya without talking to him. Hubby offered to be the spokeperson. Sabi ko ayaw ko dahil:
1.   I feel like this is something that I have to deal with (talking to him, etc… ) na hindi ko dapat ipinapasa sa iba
2.   Malambot ang puso nang asawa ko, although hindi naman siya t**** na give and give, he has a generous and kind heart and I am worried na baka kung ano ang ma-promise niya

So I guess is, bottom line, I still don’t want to talk to my dad or see him and I certainly still don’t want him in my life and I would rather forget that this incident (him coming to the house) happened BUT as I have said, there is the nagging feeling that I should take the high road….
So what do you think is best that I should do?....

[1choi_ko9]

hi sis, sounds like theres this bitterness inside you for your dad. I donk know what it is pero still ano pa man ang nangyari na pwedeng nagcause ng bitterness mo, mas mabuting matuto tayong magpatawad. Tingin ko naman, he may be sick alright. He may needs financial help, or since sick sya hindi naman kaya worse na yung sickness nya? Kaya sya laging nagpaparamdam ngayon sainyo. There are times na ang gusto lang ng matatanda is to see their children. Kahit na ano pang atraso nila sa kanila before, may sakit man sila o wala ngayon, all they want is makita ang family nya. Fix whatever nakailangan ifix before he can go (go na as in go...) There may be a threat in his life now, na maybe he knows anytime soon pwede na sya mag go kaya inaayos na nya ang dapat ayusin. Makita ang dapat makita, in your case your husband and your kids. Ewan ko, pero sakin i dont see anything wrong seeing your family. He is still your dad. Walang perfect na magulang, at walang perfect na dad. Hindi man sya naging mabuting ama, but still he is your dad. Right now, I guess he needs you in a way na magkwentuhan cause maybe he misses you.

Minasn in life, kailangan nating magpakumbaba at magpatawad. Believe or not, may mabuting babalik sa buhay mo once ginawa mo to. Wala maawala sayo sis if you do this. Ano man ang nararamdaman mo ngayon, pagiging bitter mo man, pwedeng dala rin kung pano ka lumaki sa piling nila kaya ka may bitterness. But you're old enough now to know its better to forgive and be humble. Like I said he is still your dad. Whatever it is holding you back, lift it all to God sis. It will help you and more blessings will come your way.

Peace!

[miksha]

of course sis there is bitterness. pinabayaan niya kami. hindi man niya naisip kung gutom kami, maysakit o kung makakapagaral pa. ayaw ko nang maginvest kase ulit(emotionally, mentally,etc...).also, pakiramdam ko kapag na-open namin kahit konti ang door for him andaming papasok na problema.

[jpsv72]

i had to say this kc i know the pain of being abandoned, don't want to elaborate but what ever happens baligtarin man ang mundo mo, your dad is your dad, you were lucky kc your husband is willing to be by your side what ever happens, if you want to put boundaries between your dad and you, ok, but deep inside you there is a small voice saying, kailangan mong malaman whats happening to him, kc kahit anong sabihin mo, andun pa rin yung love at yung nais mong tulungan sya lalo na at nalaman mong you think that he maybe sick. Follow your instinct as soon as possible, kc baka when the time comes, baka huli na, sana matutunan mong patawarin ang dad mo, talk to him, dun mo lang malalaman what he really needs, malay mo kailangan lang pala nyang humingi ng tawad sayo but di nya nasabi nung first meeting nyo.
So kung napapalayo na ang usapan nyo o may pumapasok ng bagong problems, then put the boundary, wala nalang pipigil sayo at walang makikialam what ever you want to do with your family. At least you did the right thing, na nakipagkita ka sa kanya.
Hope it helps. God bless sis.

[miksha]

my mom is admonishing me not to communicate with him she is sure na gusto lang daw kumuha nang regular allowance nang tatay ko from me

[rianne_mallows]

first of all, be warned... may pagkaselfish ako eh 

i think you should talk, because from what you've written. you know exactly what you want... and you wont get anywhere without additional info as to why your father contacted you..

what's there to lose? afraid he might get into your life again? IMO, he already did, because its obvious that you are already affected with this. so its best to just be done with it..

[miksha]

may isa pang issue dito... pakiramdam nang nanay ko tinatraydor ko siya if i contact my dad.. nililitanyahan niya ako nang lahat nang pinaggagawa ng tatay ko sa kanya at sa amin noon.. para sa kanya i will be taking his side if i contact him.. hayyy

[1choi_ko9]

sis, your dad will always be your dad. ano p man nagawa nya sainyo long time ago, is long time ago pa. Its better to forgive and God will bless you more. Parang madali? Sino ba ako para magsabi diba? Syempre may sakit ka na and bitteness na daladala long time ago with your dad dahil sa mga ginagawa nya. The thing here is, matagal na yun. And we need to forgive. Wag ka sana pumares sa dad mo nung mga panahon na kinamuhian mo sya sa mga ginawa nya. Those times may bitterness din ang dad mo kaya sya siguro nagkaganon. Im sure in your life ayaw mo naman maging tulad nya, sa mga wrong doings nya, diba? If so, right now start learn to forgive. That way, it will benefit you and your family. Atleast alam mo mawala man sya in the future wala ka ginawang masama sakanya. Just be humble. Wala sya maisumbat sayo kase naging mabuti kang anak.

Sa case naman ng issue with your mom... i know you love her more than you love your dad. Pero whatever conection man ang magawa mo with your dad now be it good or bad, i guess in the long run maunderstand din ng mom mo if you explain it to her as to why you have forgiven or may connection ka pa with your dad.

C'mon sis, life is too short para manaig ang bitterness and not too forgive rather than be humble.

Peace

[mrsbico]

the best thing you can do is pray & ask for His guidance, i'm sure maliliwanagan ka & He will lead you kung ano mas pinakamagandang gawin in your situation

[lovemeagain30]

ako, single mom, one son, abandonement din from his father. sole provider. true survivor.

Mahirap yan eh. matinding drama sa buhay. sakit sa ulo. kasi kahit ako, alam ko may possibilities magpapakita ang true father ng anak ko kapag successful na ang anak ko. sa ngayon mahirap bumuhay ng anak, eh ako muna daw mag isa. galing di ba?

pero kasi kung dumating ang ganyang panahon, sabihin ng kid ko he wants to see his real dad. i think, i will answer Yes. totoo un! technically, its his roots.for sure pag dumating ang moment na yan, sila lang dalawa un at hindi ako kasama (kasi baka matarakan ko siya ng kutsilyo pag nakita ko siya!hehe).

ang kundisyon lang ay walang bigayan ng pera. kung magkikipagkita lang at usap usap, ok lang. pero walang bigayan ng money. wag muna. i will tell my son to be careful, forgive, accept and move on. ang panget naman na makikipagkita lang kapag kailangan lang ng money.

pero kung feel ng son ko bigyan niya, ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? eh pera na niya un at hindi naman galing sakin. so go na rin.


siguro sa TS, alamin mo muna ano ba ang reason bakit nakikipagkita sayo father mo and from there, decide if you want to continue seeing him or not. matagal na rin yun, you and your mom proved already to him that he was worthless leaving his family behind. gets na niya un for sure. hindi man niya aminin sayo, nagsisi din un at nakita niyang napalaki kayo ng maayos ng mother niyo without his help. nakapag isip isip un over the years. siguro hinahabol lang niya [textspeak!] chance na pwede pang ayusin kahit konting communication with you.

just be nice nalang to him. forgive. isipin mo nalang eto nalang ang balik mo kay God for giving your family abundant graces even without your father's aide. ganun nalang. offering mo nalang to Him by being nice to the old man.

goodluck sis.

[puzzicato]

even if he was not a good dad to you, i think you need to know,talk and give him a chance specially if he really needs help. by now, if he is really sick, whatever he did to you and your mom, he realizes it and is suffering from all his previous actions.  kc he knows wala na cya iba malapitan and maasahan. maybe even his friends tinalikuran na siya. believe me, nagsisisi na siya ngayon kahit it's too late

 ako may sama din ng loob sa dad ko pero kahit papano naman he provided for us and meant well for us. when he died and even to his death, one of my stepsister never felt sorry  for the death of my dad. masama pa din loob nya. naawa ako sa dad ko, kc feeling ko patay na yan, di mo pa din napatawad. ang cruel lang. whatever he did in the past, you just have to forgive kase you wont be able to heal if may sama ng loob ka padin na tinatago.

it will help you heal if you help your dad, kahit hindi naging mabuting ama ang dad mo, pero inspite of dad you were the only person to help him, magiging masarap ang feeling and for sure he'll say sorry and thankful to you.

siguro sagad sa buto galit mo, pero it will really help you move on to talk to your dad. ang isipin mo nalang, mas mahirap if you were in his position and wala gusto tumulong sa yo.

[heavensent]

sis kung di man siya naging ama sayo at least maramadaman man niya na me anak pala siya...

super agree with this..

no matter what, tatay mo pa din yun sis, siguro naman ngaun pinagsisisihan na nya yung nagawa niya..

[snowyice]

@miksha sis you are at legal age you can decide for yourself...based sa kwento mo hindi talaga naging maayos na tatay ang father mo parang naging sperm donor lang siya    but he is still your father that's all I can say and as her daughter I would say that you must help him kahit 1x lang.  If your mother will not be happy with this tell her it is a one off thing.     The Bible says," honor your father and mother...."

[cars]

give it a try sis.. he's still your father.. theres always two sides of the story.. we may not know kung ano ba talaga story sa side ng dad mo.. give it a try, matanda nadin naman siguro dad mo.. at least kung hindi naman siya naging father figure sa inyo.. kahit minsan naging daughter ka naman sa kanya.. mas makaka luwag sis pag nabigyan mo siya ng help.. kahit little help will do.. or kung nahihirapan ka, kahit isipin mo nalang na your helping a friend..

[showermist]

Miksha, I have a friend na namatay ang tatay nya last June lang.  Parang pareho kayo ng sitwayson: naghiwalay parents nya noong bata pa sila ng kapatid nya.  Nagkaroon ng pamilyang iba tong tatay nya. Nakapag asawa at nagkaroon ng anak tong kaibigan ko. When, via FB, nahanap sya ng mga pinsan nya sa tatay nya.  nasa Hawaii na kasi itong kaibigan ko na ito.  Yung mga pinsan nya eh humihingi ng tulong para pampagamot ng tatay nya.  Alam mo, hindi sya nagbigay.  nakikiusap mga pinsan nya na kahit daw P5000 man lang daw.  Alam mo yung sakit na idinulot ng tatay nya sa kanila ang dahilan kaya hindi sya nagbigay.  A few months after, namatay ang tatay nya.  Alam mo, kunsensyang  kunsensya sya. 

Reach out to your father.  Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, yung pera pwedeng kitain, pero yung 'guilt' pangmatagalan.  Ano ang pipiliin mo?!  If she could turn back time daw, kahit daw ubusin nya yung savings nilang mag asawa para pampagamot sa tatay nya gagawin nya.  Huwag lang maranasan yung narararnasan nya ngayon na pagkakunsensya.

Sis, think about it.  Huwag kang madamot.