I'll never be good enough for them

[kikaygimikera]

Hi sis! Its been a while since I started a thread here. Dati puro hubby problems ngayon family problem na.

I am sad because I think my parents think na Im a dissappointment sa family. Im the youngest sa family who got pregnant after my 18th birthday. I graduated after 6 years kahit na 3 year course ang course ko. Coming from a family of achievers, they do not appreciate na I work in a bpo company (para sa kanila, pag BPO - call center agent). I got married of course after getting pregnant pero mga 2 years after pa. My parents are against it kasi they dont like the father of my kid. But we got married right after my kid's 2nd birthday. We have a house and I settled as a housewife. Last 2010, I got separated from my husband after knowing that he's been cheating for almost 6 months and got a girl pregnant. I decided not to look back and decided to stay with my parents again.

Now, everytime my son doesn't do good in school, they blame me. It reflects daw sa son ko ang pagiging mother ko. Pagmataas ba ang grades ng anak, ibig sabihin good mother ka na? Everytime my son misbehaves, they blame me. Even if my yaya forgets to remind me na wala ng baon or kulang na ang vitamins ng son ko, I am to blame.


Kahit na I am self supporting my son it will never be good enough for them.  Hindi ko tuloy alam if iignore ko na lang sila, ako ba talaga ang may mali ngayon, na dapat nagstay ako sa marriage ko.


Recently pinakilala ko sa kanila yung bago kong boyfriend. Boyfriend is helping me with my kid and nagbibigay ng lakas ng loob sa akin. He's the typical boyfriend na pumupunta sa bahay every weekends to visit me, and kahit na my parents are against it at first, tinuloy pa din niya ang pagbibisita.


Feeling ko tuloy nakadagdag pa lalo ang pagkakaroon ng boyfriend sa disappointment na binigay ko sa kanila dati.


I dont know what do. Every minute, of everyday na nasa bahay ako I feel miserable.

[indigo.tulle]

i've always been a disappointment with my parents too, since I was young, mainly because my sister is doing better than me. now, eventhough, am doing better than her, i am still seen as a disappointment.

my point is, what others' perception of you affect the way you see yourself.  for as long as you're not hurting anyone, follow through with your goals, and how you'd want to live your life. 

we can't change people and their stereotyping...we do have control over our lives, and our children's upbringing. 

[rianne_mallows]

sa amin naman .. hindi aman sa disappointment.. pero meron favorite
kaya whatever we do never kami magiging sing galing etc ni favorite

nung una nakakairita lalo na nung high school days.. but then i realize... eh ano naman ngayon?! ...kaya i stopped trying to please them, i do things because it'll do good for me and then, i started to love myself more and day by day pasaya ng pasaya ang buhay

ngayon kahit ano pa sabihin nila at ng kung sino man hindi na ko affected kasi i count my blessings.. hindi man ako swerte sa parents, swerte naman sa hubby ko and sa baby ko

[orangerain]

If I were you, I'd ignore the negative comments and just push through with whatever you're doing as long as you know it's good for you. The more you take in their comments, the more you feel like a disappointment, and the more you pull yourself down.

Minsan ang mali sa parents, magkamali ka lang ng isang beses, tatatak na sa'yo ang pagkakamali na yun. Sana instead na maging ganyan sila towards you eh mas maging supportive sila. Paano ka aasenso nyan kung wala kang support system from your family?

[trinity94]

as a parent, why do i feel na parang may basis naman ang sama ng loob ng parents mo?.... it seemed like they warned you about many things, and instead of proving them wrong, they are proven right by what happened to you?...

your parents told you not to marry the father of your son maybe because they knew he wasnt worth it, but instead you did, and ended up getting separated and going back home to your family... may i assume that your parents were the ones who still paid for your education even after you gave birth?

i also dont blame your parents if they see that your son's behavior is reflective of you, because i feel like youre justifying everything.. sorry, but i take offense on questioning why they blame you when the yaya forgets to remind you kung wala nang baon or vitamins ang son mo... in the first place, that is your obligation as a mother, to know everything about your son, and not leave every information to come from the yaya... btw, what steps did you do to help your son perform better in school?

i guess having a boyfriend right now is also an added pressure for your parents... why?... because they fear that you might get pregnant again and settle with this guy when they see you need to improve on your relationship with your son now...

what should you do?... take a long, hard look at how your parents see you... i think you've followed 'whatever-makes-ME-happy' too much, that youve made so many bad decisions and those around you are affected too... much as the 'I' should matter, you should also consider how much pain youre causing your parents... i dont think it's about you not being good enough for them, but it's about YOU simply being good enough to yourself... you said you come from a family of achievers, and achievement doesnt necessarily mean awards and titles... you have to prove to your parents that you are an achiever in your own right by being able to handle your life well... enough with the 'they blame me' attitude, rather you should be able to say, 'i'm responsible'...

[aien]

sis, I'm sure you're parents love you. may ganun talagang parents na they see the mistakes you've done and not the good ones. ganun din ang parents ko sa akin dati but as the years go by they have learned to accept na mistakes happen. we're not infallible, mapa parents or mapa anak. kc nakikita nila na nagiging maayos ang buhay ko and tina try ko mapaayos talaga ang buhay ko.

btw, my mother passed away last 2009 and even at the time that she was sick, she still tells me if I was doing something wrong in her eyes. I just have to ignore it coz I know that it's her way of telling me that: 'one day you will understand what I am telling you right now'. and she's right on some parts, you know.

and I understand na mahirap din kumilos dahil andyan ka sa parents mo ngayon nakatira. ang question is what is your plan? habang andyan ka sa parents mo, you have to ignore or take it with a grain of salt.

yung sa vitamins, ganyan din nangyayari sa akin minsan, yung yaya nakakalimutan, so I just tell her, kapag nangangalahati na yung vitamins ng anak ko, sabihin mo na sa akin. or ako yung magaask especially if time na for grocery. maybe you can do the same thing din.  just ask your yaya. para di ka na mablame ng parents mo lalo sa ganyang maliit lang na bagay.

The fact that you are able to support your kid on your own should be a boost to your confidence already as a mother. Stop telling yourself that you are a disappointment kasi ikaw din ang talo. 

 

[kikaygimikera]

Thanks for the input.

your parents told you not to marry the father of your son maybe because they knew he wasnt worth it, but instead you did, and ended up getting separated and going back home to your family... may i assume that your parents were the ones who still paid for your education even after you gave birth?

Yeah my bad when I did not follow my parents advice not to get married. If only Id knew my ex husband would cheat and have a daughter with his new "wife" I should have not married him in the first place.

It seems like you are judging me na in the first place, why assume that my parents were the ones who still paid for my education? No. After giving birth, I lived with my husband while working as an Insurance and Investment Analyst and studying at the same time. I had 2 more years of college to finish and graduate.

in the first place, that is your obligation as a mother, to know everything about your son, and not leave every information to come from the yaya... btw, what steps did you do to help your son perform better in school?

You are right. I should have given more time to address my son's concern rather than sleeping sa house. I have been doing that for some years now because I wanted to get enough rest before going to work. I shouldnt complain. This was my choice.

What I did is that,pag umuuwi ako ng 7pm, I make sure to do his homework with him until 8pm and we sleep na until 6 in the morning. Then I bring him to school with the yaya and make sure to be in the office on time. 1 hour with my son and make sure to read him before sleeping, before kasi yaya task yon. Ngayon na feel ko nga na Ive been giving the yaya the task na dapat ako gumagawa as a mom. Now I make sure na mommy na ako, nagwowork pa ako.

you said you come from a family of achievers, and achievement doesnt necessarily mean awards and titles...

   No sis that means literal. my father has his title sa government while my mom and my brothers are well... well known din. my sister is a chef well known sa US as a filipina chef. You get what I mean. pero oo siguro tama ka Its simply being me not good enought for myself.

That narealize ko nga.

[sistah!]

it's sad that you're saddled with such hurtful self esteem issues since, based on your story, you have come such a long way already! cheer up! lighten up! take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.

sis, i think it's really difficult for some parents to come to terms with their child getting pregnant so early. parents have dreams, plans for their children and when you get pregnant early, it hurts them. syempre it's sad that you still have to carry that burden til now. i guess you just have to do whatever you can to make YOU feel like you're good enough. try to be happy with your situation even if it means talking to yourself and praising yourself. you just need to believe that you're a good mom and doing the best that you can out of what cards life has dealt you.

if after you have exhausted EVERYTHING, then you should consider moving out and starting life again as a single man. of course, please dont get pregnant na wala sa plano ulit. it is admirable that your boyfriend comes over to your house even if your parents disapprove. your parents just probably want to make sure that you're getting back on track and will not get saddled with more problems. kaya mo yan! pray

[prettykhae]

sis TS, hayaan mo na sila. it was not your fault na ur marriage did not prosper. importante e dika nakadepende sa kanila... at hindi mo rin kasalanan kung nagcheat yung ex hubby mo. kasi, kung nag stay ka with him dahil ayaw mo lang na isumbat nila na kesyo maaga ka nag-asawa, hindi kana man magiging masaya na. at bakit pa e, may iba na nga e diba? at saka, importante, tinanggap ka nila ulit at ayun nga, nakatira ka sa kanila.

[kikaygimikera]

Hi all,

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. Its been tough for me this past few days. I saw one of my mom's comment sa Facebook sa Aunt ko. I was known kasi to be a noodle fan. I love chinese food kasi. Tapos, my sister who is currently in AU right now posted a photo sa Facebook na she's having cup noodles for dinner kasi she doesn't have the time to cook. My aunt commented "Manang mana kay ano?...." Then my Mom commented "Dont say bad words."

I was hurt. I did not know what to react. Have I gone too far to treat me like that? Iniisip ko ano ba ang nagawa ko para she'd react that way?

I was so disturbed with her comment, I told my sister na hindi muna ako uuwi ng house kasi I know myself when Im mad to somebody kahit parents ko nasasagot ko and ayoko naman iconfront ang Mom ko pag galit ako. Ayokong magsisi sa huli kapag may nasabi akong hurtful.

O well, ngayon Im okay na. I decided to ignore and just go on with my life. I am planning to save save save more just to - start everything with a new house new life,  new everything pag kaya ko na. Its so hard. I just miss my old understanding, patient and wise mom. Hindi na siya yon. Minsan iniisip ko baka ako talaga ang may mali but I am trying so hard to make things right now. I make sure to attend all my kids needs without asking money sa parents ko, I even pay for the house bills. I dont get money from my ex husband either.

haay, my relationship with my boyfriend is pure/ innocent partnershp. Believe it or not, we are just so focused to get our lives back and right. We dont want things to complicate much more. Yun lang lagi. weve been thru hell already and ayaw na namin bumalik sa ganung buhay.

Sana laahat na lang maging masaya for us and suppport na lang kami sa mga goals namin.

[muahmuahmuah]

^atleast you have a new support system through the new bf...importante you have someone there maski isa lang. You are doing the best you can with the best possible way you know how...nothing wrong with that. Just turn the other cheek and do whats best and learn in the process how to improve your life and change things, better than not doing anything at all.

Understand rin your mom might've been upset coz so much potential in you while raising you...maybe she had big dreams for you like ayun...marrying well having a cushy life --all the good stuff. tho marami rin pressure being the youngest, so when you got pregnant all of those  you crumbled on her din, it can also reflect a lot on her parenting just how sh'es pointed out with you and your son.  She probably felt she failed her youngest and now, since you both can't meet eye to eye with what really is off about the relationship,  its easier for her to just be ummmm nasty and vote you off as a lost cause. Di ko rin naman alam kung ano yung mom and daughter dynamics nyo. Leaning from your mom's hurt should give you a little nudge into becoming a better mom to your son. Raise him with all the love and understanding you can give.

You have first hand experience na how your life came to be so proper guidance na on your part to raise a better kid. If he needs a little more learning in school madami mga learning center to up his game and pray till something happens--mas magaling na support system si God kesa some families, actually.

[kikaygimikera]

Thanks sis di ako makapagreply sa inyo but i am reading your posts.

[mrs.S.]

It's really hard to please parents esp my dad, dumaan na din ako diyan. I was not rebellious pero sinusunod ko talaga yung gusto ko. Palagi kaming nag tatalunan ng daddy ko about my life. He was even skeptical when I decided to get married. But still I went on with what I wanted. And right now I'm happy.

Before I did try to please my parents sa mga ginagawa ko but still parang "eh!" lang sa kanila. But since I got married I realized na if I keep doing what others want me to do walang mangyayari. Dont get me wrong I respect my parents and I understand them but I just want to be in control of my life. I know parents want you to do everything they want you to do but hindi na man siguro maganda if yung will na lang nila palagi ang sinusunod mo.

Sis kaya mo yan, you will figure it out. Just think positively. Focus on your son and prove to them that kaya mo din magiging successful in all aspects sa buhay mo even if things are not perfect. Learn from your mistakes din and evaluate your life.

[prettykhae]

sis TS, grabe naman, kahit naman siguro, hindi nangyari yung gustong mangyari ng mom mo sayo e, wag naman nya ipakita, ipamukha at iparamdam na hate ka nya.... diba? dapat nga kahit pa mamamatay tao ang isang anak, dapat ang ina, hindi ganun kung umasa. hehe... tama ba ako? tama ba ako? tama yang ginagawa mo na, save up for your future w/o depending on them... at least, para hindi na rin lumala [textspeak!] gap.

[kikaygimikera]

Hi all! Thanks for taking the time reading my posts.

Medyo may progress naman today. Umalis ako for one day pero nagworry din ako sa anak ko kaya after office the next day eh umuwi nako sa amin. My mother had an idea na yata what Ive been feeling lately because my sister told her about it yata.

She sent an FB message asking me bakit daw hindi ako umuwi and saan daw ako. I told her umuwi ako to park the car pero took a cab and umalis and I told her nasa office ako nun. Then she changed topic na my daddy is in the casino daw ek ek... shes making a small talk with me via Facebook.

Tapos yesterday, I was at Sofitel with her and my son. Okay naman she texts me with complete sentences na hindi tulad dati na almost one word lang ang text like "K" "Go" mga ganun. Kung pwede lang ilagay sa isang word ang isang buong sentence eh gagawin niya. Like today, she texted me "Can you pick up your tita sa airport by 5pm. Shes going to give you a package. Im here kasi sa Cavite."

And we talked, minutes ago. Harapan. She asked me if online pa daw sister ko, whats going on with my sister and if nakapagchat ba kami ng sister ko.

Siguro kulang lang kami ng communication and the way she communicates with me yun yung ayaw ko. Naisip ko baka papansin lang talaga ako, and shes giving much attention to my sister kaya naiinggit ako. Naisip ko rin na she knows that I am strong kaya shes paying much attention sa sister ko (my sister is 2 years older pero we treat her as our bunso kasi shes spoiled, never learned how to comute etc).

Thank you guys. Alam niyo okay talagang support system itong Girltalk. Lahat ng opinion nakukuha ko from different people that I dont even know.

[larxy]

Most often, parents create their ideal "child" or "children." Kaya naman madalas di din nila napapansin na di na healthy yung pag-aalala nila.
I say as long as you know yourself and you know that you are not doing wrong, let them be.
The only one you should please is God.

[SweetieNela]

ganyan din ang sitwasyon ko..I'm not the eldest and I am the only girl. sad to say. ako ang gusto nila na magpa-aral sa kapatid ko. sabi ng mama ko responsibilidad ko yung 2 kong lalaking kapatid which is 17 and 12 years old. how about my eldest brother who is 23 years old and doing nothing? nakapag-tapos siya ng nurse nagbigay ako ng pasensiya para makatapos siya hindi ako pinagcollege para patapusin siya. oo nga board passer siya ngayon. eh anong ginagawa niya ngayon? wala.gusto ko pang mag-aral pero ang gusto ng mama ko magtrabaho nalang daw ako dahil magiging nanay lang daw ako sa huli. dahilan ba yun?



 nasa abroad kami ang daming paraan para humanap ng trabaho ang kuya ko since tapos at board passer siya ang ginagawa lang niya ay ang magpalaki ng itlog? sorry for the term but para kasi siyang manok na naghihintay ng mangitlog ng pera. like pag sumesweldo ang mama at papa ko hinihingi niya ang lahat ng gusto niya.yun bagang sunod lahat ng luho? brand new computer,psp's, clothes,minsan nga nagpapadala pa siya ng 6 thou sa girlfriend niya sa pinas eh wala naman siyang work.hindi nakakaHindi ang mama ko dahil baka daw sumama ang loob sakanya. kahit gipit na gipit na kami pinipilit ni mama ko na maidaos ang gusto niya. nakakasakit lang ng loob kasi kahit ako ang nagttrabaho ng domestic hindi sila naawa o hindi man lang nila ako naapreciate. konting thank you naman diba.eh kuya ko ayaw nila pagtrabahuhin ng domestic gusto eh talagang sa hospital eh hindi naman siya matatanggap dun ng walang experience. kahit kelan hindi ko naranasan na inaasikaso nila ako. eh kuya ko galing sa gala kung asikasuhin parang galing sa trabaho. minsan umaabuso ang kuya ko ako pang inuutusan niyang ipaghain ko siya. minsan iniisip ko na mag-asawa pero sabi ng boyfriend ko magtiis lang ako dadating daw yung time na pakakasalan na niya ako. wag daw ako magmadali. 21 years old na ako.



sa totoo lang sakitin ako 2009 and 2010 sa hospital ako lagi nagc-christmas- and last january nahospital din ako cause of ulcerative colitis and anemia. sinisisi nila ako kung bakit ako nagkakasakit. hindi ba nila maintindihan hindi na ako nakakakain kakatrabaho? lagi akong puyat? pero ako parin lahat ng may kasalanan ngayon na nawalan na ako ng work kung dati parang katulong ang trato sakin ngayon parang aso na. masama ang loob ko kasi favoritism ang umiiral sakanila minsan kinausap ko ang mama ko pero deadma siya wag ko daw isipin na favorite si kuya ko. example kagabi. areho kaming nasa computer room ng kuya ko si kuya ko dinalhan niya ng dinner ako ni hi ni ho walang inalok. tapos pag labas ko ng kwarto inubusan na ako? hindi man lang sila nagiisip kung nakakain na ba ako' minsan ako nagpaparaya sa mga kapatid ko. hindi kasi kmi mayaman at lalong hindi porket nasa abroad kami eh mapera na. mali ang iniisip ng iba hindi pwede umutang ng pagkain sa tindahan diyan sa tabi.nakakasama lang ng loob na bakit ganon ang trato nila sakin. yung boyfriend ko binibigyan niya ako ng allowance,pag my allowance ako todo dikit sakin ang mama ko tapos sasabihin 'yan lang ang ibinigay sayo?' tapos bigla naman niyang uutangin. hindi ako makahindi dahil sa PAGMAMAHAL KO SAKANYA.




 minsan pag late ibinibigay 'ano ba yan hindi ka binibigyan' sorry to say this. kapag my pera ako ang bait nila sakin promise. kinausap ko na si papa ko pero wala siya magawa dahil takot siya sa mama ko. haay. minsan gusto ko na siya sagutin pero ayokong masaktan ang mama ko. talagang naiisip ko ng lumayas pero wala akong mapupuntahan dito ang choice ko nalang talaga is mag-asawa ako. pero sabi ng bf ko hindi yun ang solusyon. wag ko daw siyang pakasalan ng dahil sa yung dahilan lang. magtiis lang daw ako. pero hanngang kelan? hari harian na nga ang kuya ko eh. ako parin ba ang may responsibilidad nagiisa na nga akong babae hindi ba dapat na ako ang responsibilidad nila? bata palang ako wala na akong nakukuhang pagmamahal sakanila sa kanila- ang kuya ko nung highschool best in computer tuwang tuwa na sila. eh ako hindi sa pagmamayabang nung highschool nasa top class ako lagi ako best in math,best in english,halos lahat na nga ata best ako. pero ano? sasabihin lang sakin 'dapat lang yan dahil pinagaaral ka namin' feeling ko hindi ako anak..




kinukwento ko sa ibang nanay to pero alam nila na mahal ako ng nanay ko pero iba daw ang mama ko di ko daw to deserve kasi ginagawa ko naman ang best ko mapasaya sila pero kuya ko parin ang higit sakin nakakaiyak lang kung lagi ko iisipin minsan deadma nalang ako na hindi ako nasasaktan. hindi ko nalang ipinapakita dahil kahit ipakita ko naman sasabihin nila pag umiiyak ako nagiinarte nanaman ako.. naiiyak ako while typing this. mahal na mahal ko family ko . mahal ko mama ko. pero eto ba yung sukli?

[carmichael18]

when I was young i used to think I was never good enough for my dad.. wala na kasi akong mom.. I also came from a family of achievers, well now hindi na siguro kasi nagkalintik lintik buhay ng kuya ko dahil sa pambababae... pero nung bata ako palage akong kinocompare sa bunso, kesyo mas matalino sa akin... siyempre masakit din sa akin yun kasi dad ko na lang naiwan tapos may favorite pa siya di ba? pero in college I proved him wrong, na kahit hindi ako nakapasok sa gusto niyang school para sa akin, I worked hard ang graduated cum laude.. saka niya lang ako na-appreciate.. that's when he started to talk about me with his friends, na etong anak ko ganito ganyan... tapos syempre ayaw niya rin na nasa call center ako dati.. come on, walang masama sa pagiging agent dahil marangal naman yung work ko..at isa pa napakahirap ng work ng mga cc agent kaya hindi dapat sila maliitin ng mga tao.. pero he'd rather see me in a big company.. gusto niya pa rin, gawin ko yung pangarap niya sa aking maging lawyer.. well growing up independently made me believe that you have to do what you want.. hindi kung ano sa tingin ng iba ang maganda para sa yo kasi sa huli hindi naman sila ang mag-sisisi kung hindi ako.. kaya kahit kung ano pa man ang tingin ng papa ko sa akin, I try to prove him wrong...

[s_dlam4achange]

parang line ng movie script lang ah... So true, Reality bites, i could say this thread really speaks about my depressing state.
Out - in - Out - in - Out again from my track, life it seems never runs out of shiit,tyuations. I really love my family so much that I supposedlly enjoying my med years by now but i gave them up and just took premed course yet still not on my track. And still I'll never be good enough for them...
Life related to Cynicism is like what i've been. Work - Busy-ness - School - Busyness - School - ??
i'm trying my best to deal with it. So hell that if only i'm out of my faith seriously, i'd sure wanna end up myself hanged at this very moment!!
Tsk tsk... Sorry about my freakin' intention.. I'm so very frustrated to get my freedom, less from responsibilities, and to find my own happiness!!
Geeez... Wheeew! Time for reflection again... -_-

[aquacharly]

KIKAYGIMIKERA, from your cuento I gathered there is closeness within your family though all the children lead independent lives.  What else?  Your family does support you,  but it is emotional rapport you miss.

Of course, your parents were disappointed when your expected orderly time line was disrupted by your early pregnancy.   But IMO, they have moved past the disappointment.  They now worry about your being alone,  bravely facing life providing  for yourself  and your son.  They also feel frustrated, coz you seem to have shut them out by not consulting them about your life-changing decisions.  KIKAY G, your decisions were brave (specially re: dumping  the cheating hubby).  You may say you know what is best for  yourself,  sure, beyond doubt. BUT your parents   have wisdom to share with you;  and your deciding on your own may have made them feel you shut them out of your life.   

It sn't  disappointment they  feel now, but  deep concern that you are having a harder time than your siblings -- not because you are less of an achiever, but coz you are "nag-iisa" being responsible for yourself and your son.