coping up/moving on

[lulay23]

Let me share this story of mine...I know right now that I am in the process of healing..mejo lenghty nga lang yung kwento ko pero please bear with me...wala na yata akong avenue to share some pains and thoughts...

well, one month to go..i will be celebrating (tama ba un) my first year as a single person or i should say single parent...tawag ko nga dun..babang luksa... looking back..sobrang sakit pala napagdaanan ko..kahit ngaun may unting pain pa din..

Yesterday, unexpectedly..nagkita kame ni ex hubby...kasama nya in laws ko..eh dun ako sasabay umuwi..sa mother in law ko...syempre na surprise ako...

for two weeks time na kase...ayoko ng makipag communicate sa kanya..for the longest time ng ordeal namin..ako yung laging naghihintay..very hopeful pa na baka maayos..so everytime na nagpapakita cia na gusto pa nia..ako naman [textspeak!] anytime i will take you back...pero i know na meron na girl sa gitna namin..more on..nagsimula lang daw as may problema kame tas dumating si girl..may problema din..naging ok sila..so up to now..alam ko na sila pero di nila nilalagyan ng label kung anong meron cla..syempre kasal kame so..mejo complicated di ba...siguro may times na pag nag aaway sila..dun nakakaramdam si ex na gusto na nia ayusin [textspeak!] sa amin..namimiss nya [textspeak!] anak nia..so ganun..ako naman...[textspeak!] lang..very transparent ako..so pinapakita ko na mahal pa din kita..di ko kaya itapon yung 11 years natin..so ganun..alam ko na mahal nya ko pero hindi ko maintindihan bakit di nya mabitawan si babae to think..pati parents nia at kamag anak nia..ginive up na din nya..

so ayun..yesterday nga nakita ko cia kasma nia mom in law ko..so hindi na ko dumiretso..tinext ko na lang byenan ko na mauuna na ako...tapos..bumalik ako ng escalator...sumunod naman cia..tas tinatanong nia kung bakit ko cia iniiwasan..kung bakit ako galit sa kanya..

sabe ko i dont need to explain myself..tama na kase paulit ulit na lang..nakakapagod na..so i guess parang na surprise cia na ganun [textspeak!] reaction ko towards sa kanya..

tapos sabe ko ang swerte nung babae..naiingit ako kase kaya mo igive up lahat para sa kanya ultimo pamilya at parents mo...sabe ko sa kanya..sana makatagpo din ako ng lalaking kaya din ibigay lahat para sa akin kase hindi naman maluluge [textspeak!] magiging ka relasyon ko kase alam ko kung paano ako magmahal..

hindi daw nia alm kung bakit nya pinaglalaban [textspeak!] girl..sabe ko OUCH naman!!!...sabe ko kung sa tingin na nia na pang habang buhay na yun..sge go!! ill be fine...makakahanap din ako ng para sa akin...
hindi daw nia alam kung pang habangbuhay na un..ang sabe ko..pilitin nia kase sobra sobra [textspeak!] risk na ginawa mo.

hindi daw nia maintindihan sarili nia..kase kahit may puntahan cia na bagong lugar kasama si girl..naiisip pa din nia ako..kahit bago din matulog..ang sabe ko ..siguro..naguguilty ka lang..

basta ang huli kong sinabe...[textspeak!] hanggang dun na lang talaga tyo...bata na lang..ganun talaga di ba..s*** happens pero evryone has to move on..tapos sabe nya..hindi ba daw nia ko pwede itext or kamustahin..sabe ko what for...bakit daw dati..gusto ko maging magkaibigan kame...sabe ko..people change..[textspeak!]..hindi pa sa ngaun..if moving on means not communicating at you..then be it..in time magiging magkaibigan tyo...tapos un..sabe nya..sana magkausap pa tyo ng mas matagal..sabe ko..hindi na [textspeak!]..kase ayoko na kitang makita..

ayun...in a way..naging matapang ako..kase feeling ko galit ako..pero deep inside, i still love him...andun din un takot na since alam nia na wala na cia babalikan..dun na lang cia..

ewan ko..ang hirap..im trying my best to live a life of my own with my daughter..hindi ko lang akalain na ganun ganun na lang matatapon lahat.

haaayyy!!!

[aquacharly]

I can feel how you feel now, LULAY23 -- the determination to set your life right again, inspite of the pain of betrayal.
Sure, I know how bad a marriage is when you reach the point you no longer want to even look at his face.   lol, but true.

But you are a strong woman, coz you ACCEPT your reality.  You are at the point where you are ready to make that crucial 1st Small Step to regain yourself & your strength.  Everything must start with that 1st Small Step... so, remain strong and continue to SEE your reality since only Losers decide to be blind to the Truth.   

Do not pray and hope that your husband will be hit by an epiphany that will land him back in your marriage.  Love cannot be forced.  Even if you crucify yourself for him everyday,  he will choose to love his choice.  So leave in The Past what no longer works -- your marriage.

So am I telling you not to pray?  Heck, no.  Pray!
But pray for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind & strength to do what is good for you.      Put your trust in God, do not make deals with Him .. and He will surely land you in a better place.

Am I telling you to close your door on your husband?  No. 
But do not hold your breathe waiting for him to return through your door.
In that book Waiting by the River Piedra (that it? by Coelho. I am so forgetful!)... Hell is defined as the period of waiting due to indecisiveness.   Do not put yourself there, you are not dead yet after all. 

Do what is best for YOUR FUTURE.. and IF he should come back he must be in Genuine Big-Time Full-Time Remorse & Reform.  But such will not be enough still.  You must then honestly ask yourself if he can still make you happy.  IF you can Forgive & Accept (yang Forgive & Forget package ewan ewan yan,  sabi sabi lang yan ng mga madre sa Assumption Makati... you will never forget.. but you may remember less frequently/rarely) AND you know he can still maek you happy -- then there may be a 2nd run for you.  BUT do not hold your breathe for that.   Do not waste your time.  If it happens, it will.  If it does not happen, you did not waste your time waiting....

[gurlzat03]

hugz sis.. actually, we're not in the same situation right now although may similarity tayo. sa totoo lang, ang hirap talaga ng feeling. hindi ko akalain na magiging ganito kahirap ang lahat. Isipin mo na lang na wala na tayong ibang magagawa kung hindi tanggapin ang lahat ng mga nangyayari kahit na sinasabi pa rin ng ex husband mo na he still have feelings for you and you still have the same feelings for him... Isipin mo na lang na kung totoong sincere sya sa sinasabi nya about his feelings for you, dapat iniwan na nya 'yung girl. Just keep yourself busy and 'wag mong kakalimutang kausapin si God once in a while. Siya lang ang makakatulong sa 'yo...

[aquacharly]

LULAY, do not fool yourself by saying you must love this man coz he must love his daughter, and your daughter needs a father.  He will be the father he wants to be, whether you love him or not, period. 
No amount of pagtatakip on your part will hide from your daughter the truth of what kind of a father he is.  No amount of encouragement on your part will make him the father he is not.

11 years is 11 years.  but what about the rest of your life?  For sure, there is more than 11 years there.   A marriage is not a Life Sentence, mind you. 
And, some investments only have a certain time of returns.  Why will you invest more of yourself into a losing relationship?  Maglalagay ka pa ba nang pera sa isang negosyong bankrupt na?

LULAY, once you ACCEPT that this man is out of your life -- since how can you really still factor him into your life after his abandonment of you? .. and you ACCEPT that there is only you for you .. I guarantee you, you will lose your Fears.  And you will have the strength and focus to make a better life for yourself.  Hindi yung para kang nakikiramdam day in and day out... hindi ka maka kilos, hindi ka maka plan coz you are waiting for cues from your husband.  Imagine, the years  lost! 

So there, LULAY,  it is time to burn your bridges so to speak.  So you can build and look for new bridges.  If he should decide later on he wants to have you back.. it is his problem to build his new bridge to you.   But as I said, do not hold your breathe looking for a bridge from him.

Take care of yourself, no one else will do that with sincerity and consistency... except you yourself.

So there, LULAY, DETACH yourself, for in doing so you will get your old self back, and you will see  once again that you do not ever deserve to be treated as only Second Best.

[bea_wang]

Hay! nakakaencourage naman basahin mga sinabi mo sis aquacharly. But I'm on my way na to recovery.

I'm a single parent and dati talaga I was hoping na magpapakasal kami. Lalo na dito sa amin, lagi sinasabi kawawa ang mga bata. They'll grow up na walang ama. Pero narealize ko lang, I don't have to do anything to convince him whatsoever. Sabi nya mahal nya ako at mga kids namin pero wala naman sya ginagawa. Lagi nya sinasabi na kung pwede nga lang...

well, meron kasi sya gf dati na botong-boto buong family nya. sabi nya he just stays with her kasi magkakaaway yung mga families pero I don't believe that anymore. Kami na ang pamilya nya ngayon. Nagagawa nya matiis mga kids na di nya nakikita..dinadakdakan nga ako lagi ng mga aunts ko na di man lang nya binibisita mga bata. dati pinagtatakpan ko sya pero ngayon kahit ako di na ko naniniwala sa mga sinasabi ko. ang sinasabi ko na lang hindi ko kawalan yun kung hinid nya makita mga bata..kawalan nya yun..

sabi ko pa bakit naman magiging kawawa mga bata??? madami namang nagmamahal sa kanila. I gave up my career for them. Hindi naman ikakagalit sa akin ng mga anak ko na wala silang ama..nagpapakatatag na lang talaga ako kasi kelangan kayanin ko lahat...I have to provide for my kids, take care of them..etc. sabi ng mga kamag-anak ko bakit di kami magpakasal, ang sinasagot ko ayoko talaga..baka lalo kaming magmukhang kawawa ng mga bata..hindi din alam sa kanila ang tungkol sa amin so hello??? pano naman yun??

ang sabi ng friend ko nun: how can you move on if you keep looking back?? kaya ngayon hindi ko na iniintindi mga nangyari..basta kasama ko mga kids ko at nakakapagwork ako..naibibili ko sila ng mga kailangan nila, okay na ako..besides, my kids are adorable. it's his loss!

[lulay23]

AQUACHARLY

 ---- sis, you never fail to amuse me..grabeh..sobrang na rerelieve ako everytime I read your post and reply..it helps coming from a person na totally doesn't know your background..or totally stranger..at least ibang point of view di ba..puro ganito naman ang sinasabe sa kin kahit ng friends ko..pero syempre..minsan naiisip ko biased kase they both know us personally..so this one is really eye opener.. actually, prinint ko cia para anytime na maloka loka ako..i can always read this anytime para makalma hehe...thanks so much for taking time and putting efforts na magbigay ng advice..super thanks..di ba nga..ang sabe nila..what seems to us as bitter trials are always blessings in disguise..thanks so much talaga..truly inspiring and encouraging...


GURLZAT03
 
 --- sis, naisip ko naman talaga un na kung talagang mahal nya ko..hindi nya kame iiwan..syempre noon..iniisip ko confused lang cia and blinded by insanity..un pala ako ang blinded by truth..ok na un..ayoko ng ipilit ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw na hehe

BEA_WANG
 
  --- hay naku sis..mahirap maging single parent no..double yung efforts pero it pays off pag naiisip mo na kinakaya mo lahat di ba..although may times na gustong mong isumbat sa mga tatay nila [textspeak!] responsibilidad nila pero di ba dapat alam na nila un kase obligation nila un..tama talaga si sis aquacharly na sooner or later ..yung pagiging father nila eh hindi tyo ang mag jujudge nun kundi ang mga anak natin..atsaka masakit para sa part natin na ipakiusap [textspeak!] anak mo to spare some time sa letseng schedule nila...kung ayaw..di wag..basta ako iniisip ko na alng..wala kang maisusumbat sa akin..anjan ka man or wala..definitely magiging ok kame ng daughter ko...tama ka..sino ba nawalan..Sila..kase ang pinakamasakit na failure sa buhay para sa akin is maging failure ka as a parent..

Oh well..thanks for all the encouraging words..it pays to have this kind of forum..sobrang nakakagaan ng loob. =)

[aquacharly]

LULAY & BEA ... you are lucky that batabata pa kayo, ayan nalaman nyo na ano talaga color of the men in your lives.

I have lots of friends.  I see some staying in a bad marriage, for whatever reasons they alone know.  And I see those who decide to be single mothers, to face The Truth that their relationships/marriages are over.  Honestly, I do not know who deserves the Gold Medal .. those who suffer and plod on, sige magpaka martyr for the sake of the kids/family or religious beliefs (till death do us part daw.  hello, darling, matagal ka nang patay ... you call that living?!)

Going back to the Gold Medal... or those who inspite of their fears, decide to recover their self love, self esteem and go the single parent route... inspite of society's raised eyebrows too, at times.

But BEA & LULAY... this I am sure of -- at the end of a couple of years, it is those who decide to strike on their own, to leave the Bad Past behind who are more confident, more positive, happier, and resilient.   Hindi na sila nabubulaga, even if they have less money than the martyr suffering in comfort.  Most precious  of all.. they have no or fewer regrets. 
Mind you, per my lola -- it is the heaviest burden in one's old age:  REGRETS.  Lalo na daw if you know that you were in a position to do something about what you regret.   

So never lose hope in yourselves.  God will never abandon you.  I know what I am talking about, I have been there  and back.   Just stop making deals with  Him, put your trust in Him.  And  pray for Divine Guidance, clarity of mind and strength to take it one day at a time.   You will see, I bet my 2 ears (I have bet them now and then and still have them attached to my head... really!  hehe) -- you will soon be in a better and happier place.   

Take care of yourselves, always.   God bless you and your kids. 

[lulay23]

Sis,

Alam mo paulit ulit ko binabasa [textspeak!] sinasabe mo pag times na feeling ko naalala ko na naman cia..iniisip ko na lang na ..HELLO..iniwan nga nya kame..so bakit pa pinaglalaban ko pa..di ba..kung ayaw nia na..e di wag..umabot na nga ng isang taon na wala kame..so i guess ..makakaya ko na din..tutal la din naman cia silbi for the past one year..financially, emotionally or kahit moral support for my daughter..wala..so anong silbi pa nia sa amin mag ina..wala..:-)

[shiftingsands]

sis lulay i can totally relate to you. although yung anak ko boy and hindi naman niya kame pinagpalit sa iba. nakaka relate pa rin ako sa pain mo. siguro ganon talaga pag single moms, we share a commonn ground kasi hehe!

anyway, share ko lang, matagal rin kame ng dad ng anak ko almost 7yrs. ginawa ko lahat and pinag laban ko siya for as long as i could in order to give my son a complete family. ang dami niya ginawa na masasakit sakin pero i stayed with him dahil may anak kame. we are not married kasi ayoko pa hindi pa siya financially stable, till napagod nako coz i know he will never be stable financially and emotionally. gusto niya siya ang bubuhayin ng babae.

mutual decision break up namin kasi unti-unti nako lumlayo sa kanya ( i fell out of love na kasi) and he noticed that. siya na nakipag break and he told me babalik na lang daw siya sa ex niya kasi doon mas mahal siya at mabibigay mga gusto niya.

now im happy and dating again. meron ako friend na nakaka date ko dati, and consistently texts me kahit hindi ko pinapansin. due to his persistence pumayag nako makita siya ulit after many years. turns out big time na pala siya ngayon, president na siya ng company and may body guards pa. nalaman ko na lang yun when i saw him. he keeps texting but i want to take it slow, i want to get to know him slowly yung natural nya beyond the material things he has.

[lulay23]

Sis SHIFTINGSANDS,

Aliw naman.. =)
Time is the essence...let it be..just go with the flow..don't rush things..and most imporatantly...enjoy lang =)

[bea_wang]

sis aquacharly, thank you for the encouraging words. ang hirap din kasi minsan pag madaming sinasabi mga taong nakapaligid sa iyo. pero alam ko tama ang desisiyon ko hindi lang para sa akin pero para sa two boys ko.

madami kasing issues si ex pag nagkatuluyan nga kami. aside sa family nya na walang kaalam-alam tungkol sa amin, financially rin hindi sya stable. Mas madiskarte ako kaya mas madami akong pera sa kanya. LOL! although nagbibigay din sya panggastos para sa mga bata (take note 1k-2k per week! kulang na kulang), ako pa rin ang bumubuhay bale sa mga bata.

ang hirap talaga na makakasama ko siya at narealize ko yun. matagal kong pinag-isipan. Kung susundin ko parents ko at kung pumayag man sya, ako din ang magiging kawawa. sasama lang lagi loob ko sa mga hang-ups nya sa buhay na para bang ako ang sinisisi nya sa mga kamalasan nya sa buhay. masyado syang madaming reklamo sa buhay nya esp. ngayon na he has to "support" two kids. mahirap lang talaga iexplain sa ibang tao why you chose to be a single parent if you can work things out naman. Basta na lang sinasabi ko ayoko na e. mahihirapan lang ako, baka pati mga bata mahirapan lang din.

matapang lang talaga siguro ako (pati mukha! LOL) kaya kahit ano pa sabihin nila di na ako nag-eentertain pa ng idea na pwede pa kaming dalawa.

pag nahihirapan ako, iniisip ko na lang "this too shall pass" and thankful ako kay Lord na maayos kong napapalaki ang mga bata kahit single parent ako. naibibili ko sila ng mga things na gusto ko meron sila. tapos they look healthy and smart ang panganay ko. mukhang happy babies naman sila so I feel that may naaachieve naman ako sa mga paghihirap ko sa tulong na rin ni Lord. madami din akongfriends at relatives na handang tumulong sa akin kaya kahit wala siya, super blessed pa rin ako.

dati, nung bata pa ako, I prayed na bigyan ako ni Lord ng lalaki na magmamahal sa kin ng tunay. Akala ko siya na yun. Yun pala ang ibibigay ni Lord yung two sons ko na kahit ano mangyari mahal pa rin ako.

eto pics ng babies ko:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1572271190287&set=a.1525989233267.2071516.1340753862

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1542659650017&set=a.1506424744167.2069207.1340753862

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1525993673378&set=a.1525989233267.2071516.1340753862

[lulay23]

SIS Bea_wang..

eh buti ka pa nga nakakakuha ka ng support kahit 1k-2k a week..samantalang sa akin..totally wala..pinipilit nga ako ng parents ko na pilitin ko daw si ex hubby na magbigay..eh parang naisip ko naman..ano ako magmamakaawa tapos wag walang ibibigay..sasama loob ko..tsaka haller...alam nila [textspeak!] obligasyon nila...at alam nila kung magkano dapat ang support na ibigay..

[roxykarlo]

hi sis.. sis, if a guy really loves you, alam nya dapat responsibility nya. ur a very strong woman, and isipin mo na lang ang anak mo. uso kaya single mom ngayon!LOL! it shows ur a very independent woman. pray lang sis, ako ganun din dati.. para akong mamamatay sa sakit. hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganun. ang mga lalake kasi pag nakita nila na mahal mo pa sila, kahit nasa secong churva na sila, humihirit pa din.. jan talaga ako naiinis. ang dating kasi sakin, gusto nila sila parati ang bida, tapos tayo ang kawawa.. well, hindi na ata ganyan mga babae ngayon. kaya gustonggusto ko talaga beyonce's song irreplaceable..hehe.

[graceriabel]

Hi sis aquacharly!!! I like what you said kina sis Lulay and sis Bea! Your words were full of encouragement.. I need your advise too, and even my other sissies here...

  I really can't move on with my life right now. Well, yes apparently I am doing my own things in which I know it could really help me as of now and para sa future ko na rin..
I already accepted the fact na niloko ako ng ex ko..

but please help me to ease the pain..and to forget those painful memories. ang hindi ko lang matanggap is that yung parang ginamit lang niya ako at nababoy tapos ganun lang pala gagawin nya sakin lolokohin at iiwan ako..siya pa nga itong mayabang eh knowing na kamuntikan na niya akong mabuntis noon...

Sobrang sakit at sobra ko siyang minahal, binigay ko lahat.. pero iniwan lang niya ako..
the fact na marami ng nangyari sa amin nung ex ko, to the pint na kamuntikan na niya akong mabuntis noon...at hindi pa doon natapos yun.. tapos nakipagbreak siya just because ayaw na niya daw maulit yung weaknesses namin na yun..pero yun pala may iba na kasi siyang gustong girl at ganun ganun lang niya kadali ako napalitan..

hindi ko siya first bf... pero naibigay ko lahat sa kanya..humarap na nga siya noon sa family ko eh noong kamuntikan na niya akong nabuntis, but it didn't stop there.. marami pang nangyari samin!
Kapag naaalala ko naiinis ako, gusto ko pa din siyang sapakin, sa galit ko! Pero ngayon ayun pag nagkikita kami galit pa din ako at di ko siya pinapansin na parang hindi na siya nageexist sa mundong ito! At that time I was ready to give up everything para sa kanya just in case natuloy yung pagbubuntis ko. He was totally mad at me nung time na yun, he's not yet ready pa daw. Pero sinamahan niya pa din ako magpacheck up nun and fortunately napilit namin siya ng tita ko para humarap sa parents ko.
Pero anong ginawa niya nilinlang niya kaming lahat!!!

Wala na kaming communication pero ayun nga nakikita ko pa din siya kasi nga we're on the same church.

kindly give me advises on how to forget mga sissies...thanks