Marriage problems/issues/ complaints etc. pasok dito...

[preciousjulia]

Medyo na-teary eyed ako  may kilala kasi akong ganyan. Nag-iisa lang kasi syang anak so close talaga sila ng mom nya. Nagku-kentuhan sila lagi specially pag matagal hindi nagkita o kahit after office lang.. may hugs and kisses din. May i love you and miss you. Baka naman kasi nag-iisang anak lang sya sis. Ayaw mo ba nun loving and marespeto hubby mo sa mom nya May anak na ba kayo? Kasi malaki ang chance na madala din nya yung ganyan way nya sa mga anak nyo..malambing and caring din sya sa mga babies nyo just the way how they are nung mom nya!

Regarding naman sa pagiging dependent ng mom nya..ahm I don't know pero baka pag dumating yung time na kailanganin ng mom nya yan magpasalamat ka pa kasi may healthcare benefits mother in law mo care of your hubby;)

Pero it's true din na dapat ikaw na din ang priority nya kasi ikaw na ngayon ang family nya. Kung may mga desisyon na dapat pag-usapan kinokunsulta ka din nya dapat before pumayag sa mga gusto ng mom nya. Sana hindi naman nagkukulang si hubby ng pagbibigay ng attention sayo kasabay ng pag pay din ng attention sa mom nya.

Bago ba kayo ikasal is alam mo ng ganyan relationship nya sa mom nya? Dapat alam mo na din kung ano dapat i-expect. Sis kung ok naman kayo ng MIL mo, try mo na lang din maging malambing sa kanya. Yung mga in laws din ang magiging katuwang natin in the future like sa pag-aalaga ng magiging anak natin or pagbibigay ng family advice. Well, ideally ganun dapat.

[lordknight_aiz.18]

@ sis pinkarrow

How long na kayo kasal sis? I know how you feel..  There was a point in our marriage when I also felt jealous of my mother in law.. but I dont feel that way anymore.

If newlyweds pa kayo, I would say it is somehow normal to feel that way.. But you know, like In my case, as time goes by and while mas marami na kaming napagdaanan ni hubby, I was able to prove and convince myself that he loves me more than anyone else in this world.

You dont have to be jealous of your MIL. Try to understand na the way your husband loves his Mom is different  from the way he loves you.. In Greek, love between parent and children is called storge while love between husbands and wives is called eros(romantic love). Okay, im not trying to sound like a professor here. Hehe. My point is, there is no point in competing for another kind of love than the romantic love of your marriage.

Another thing, if you become a parent, you will have a broader perspective and you will come to realize that you will want a son/daughter like your husband right now.. a son who will still love and care for his Mom  even he has his own family already..

[mizizlim]

pa-vent lang mga sis...

naiinis ako sa mga kaibigan ng asawa ko. may chatgroup sila na wala na ginawa kundi magsendan ng mga kabastusan. gets ko yun na for the boys na biruan. pero ang di ko gusto, may mga jokes na tungkol sa asawa ko na parang tinutukso nila sa ibang girl about sex.

nakakainis lang kasi diba para na akong binabastos nun?! mga kumpare ko pa naman ito. mga inaanak namin mga anak nila, and inaanak nila anak ko tapos ganyan.

naiinis din ako sa husband ko kasi ok lang sa kanya yun. wala daw mali dun, at dapat di ko binabasa messages nila.

background din kasi, with his other set of friends naman nangyari na ito. tinutukso sya sa ibang girl. ganun din about sex. until one time nahuli ko na sya na pinormahan nya na talaga yung babae, nothing serious naman daw hanap nya. sex lang.

so ayun nung makita ko yung messages ng barkada nya, napikon talaga ako kasi parang wala kaming natutunan from the first incident. dinedefend pa din nya yung friends nya.

ayun lang. kapikon lang.

[kvandenhaak]

^Nothing serious, sex lang? WTH!!?? Harap harapan kang binabastos. Okay lang sana if he is single and not in any serious relationship. Sarap putulan ng ano yang mga ganyan!

[lisse]

^ganyan ata trend ngayon sis. My ex said na-bored lang daw siya kaya siya nakipaglandian lol!

[TomHansen]

@mizizlim
 Oras na para maghanap ka na ng work, magkaroon ng sariling pera para di ka depedent sa asawa mo. You should be ready just in case magcheat uli siya sayo. Mahirap nang umasang magbago asawa mo dahil una dependent ka sa kanya at pangalawa ingrained na sa pagkatao niya pagiging machismo lalo mga bastos din mga kaibigan niya..

[mysterioza_me]

Usong-uso STD ngayon pero andami pa din na walang takot. Sex dito, Sex doon. Cheat dito, cheat doon. Kakaawa yung mga nababasa ko na nahawaan sila ng sakit ng mga cheating partner/hubby nila. Hindi naman sila ang nagloko pero pati sila nadamay sa kalokohan mga mister nila.

[Fidelis8]

hi sisses! i have a few questions to ask, i have been thinking about these lately and more eyebags na ako, i need your enlightenment 
1) how often do you visit your parents / parents in law?
2) how long do you stay in their place, overnight? after lunch? after dinner? or whole day. If whole day, how many hours?
3) how long have you been married or how long are you in a relationship with your special someone

for starters, my case is roughly 4 years of togetherness. I visit my parents on their birthdays but i text them every week.  visit in-laws every week but only stay for lunch or 4 hours. sometimes, we stay for overnight if we failed to be there on the weekend before. oh btw, we celebrate almost every holidays with my in-laws because some holidays we are out of town...

my problem is, given with these time and effort. my in laws states we are moving and drifting apart. my husband and I have our own place and we didn't receive any help from his parents in terms of paying our bills or our place. for me, we have to make the most out of our place because we are paying for it and besides it is nearer in our office.
I have this paranoia that they want us to live at their house? I don't know because as far as i know, every week visit is acceptable but it seems not enough for them. i cannot share my sentiments to my family because i dont want them to feel hurt that despite i am always present at my in laws place they still think it is not enough.
please help shed light on my situation. thanks!

[Shadow Angel]

Hi to answer your questions:

-we visits my inlaws 1-2 times per month about 3hrs driving.
-we stay 1-2 nights, depending if we have something to do the next day.
-married for 4 years

So far I never had a problem with that I love my husband's family. They treat me as their family even the other relatives of my husband (uncles and aunties). That's why even it is a bit far from where we live I am happy whenever we visit them. It will be a problem with me if we visit them every month if I have issues with them. Besides I know and accept that's his family is part of his/our life. They are very respectful and knows their boundaries. Hay I miss my mother inlaw. One of a kind na gugustuhin mo maging inlaw.

I think you should raise your concerns or feelings with your husband.

[gwyne21]

^^Hi sis..

For us (married for 5 years)
- we visit our in-laws every other week, about 5 hours per visit (we live 2 hours away from them)
- we don't stay overnight since no space for us (hubby's sibling and his family live with his parents)

I'm okay naman with my in-laws... and also for me okay na yung 2x a month na visit. Minsan din I feel na gusto ng in-laws na mas magvisit kami more sa kanila but since we are both working so may mga weekend na gusto ko magrelax lang sa house together with hubby and baby. My husband agrees with me kasi if there are special occasions naman sa kanila, we visit them.

My parents (and our family home) is quite far so I only get to visit our family home 2x a year (additional kung may special occasion). My parents are the one na mas pumupunta sa amin to visit since retirees na parents ko.

Regarding your concern, I agree with sis shadow angel na better to talk your hubby bout it...

[simang]

1) how often do you visit your parents / parents in law? 2) how long do you stay in their place, overnight? after lunch? after dinner? or whole day. If whole day, how many hours?

Ito regular schedule ng visit namin sa inlaws (7 hour drive away) -- New Year (we stay there for at least a week pag holiday break), fiesta, MIL's bday. Minimum stay is 2 days (weekend). Sometimes we do random visits pag may time. Since malayo sila, we can't really afford to visit them more frequently dahil sa pagod sa byahe and gastos na rin. Sa side ko naman, we visit them pag anniv ng parents ko, bday ng sisters ko (which falls in the same week), holy week, bday ng mom ko, all saint's day, and Christmas. Mas madalas kami on my side of the family kasi mas malapit (1.5 hour drive).

3) how long have you been married or how long are you in a relationship with your special someone

Married for 3 years.

Wala rin akong issue sa in laws ko. Actually if ikocompare ko, mas demanding yung mom ko in terms of visits. Sya yung lagi narerequest na umuwi kami almost every weekend, which we cannot do naman so parang almost every other month kami bumibisita doon. Sa inlaws ko, walang problema. Yung daughter namin close rin sa mga cousins nya so gustong gusto rin nya pag umuuwi kami doon. I have to admit though, I am very close to my family. Video call kami madalas ng mom ko, magkaviber kami ng sister ko everyday, then may separate group chat pa kaming lahat. My husband is close to his mom, video call rin kami with MIL almost every week kasi gusto nila makita si baby.

How old are your inlaws? Sometimes kasi naglalambing rin sila, especially if they're close sa husband mo, part of midlife crisis perhaps? Hehe. I don't know. I suggest you go visit them when you can and pag hindi kaya, then don't. But don't ever take them for granted especially at this point na tumatanda na sila. If you can spend time with them, bakit hindi diba? If we only have the luxury of time and money, I'll go visit my inlaws and my parents as much as I could. My dad passed away almost 2 years ago and while we're very close, I still felt like I didn't spend enough time with him.

[Fidelis8]

much appreciated un inputs nyo mga sisses, kinausap ko na sya kaso parang wala naman narating, nagmukha lang akong emotera.
i think his parents are not too old because they are 65, mid range 60's. my folks are in their 70's and they don't bug me or drop hints that i should visit more often.
our travel time is about 2hrs drive if normal traffic hehe though we have a house around 35-45mins drive from his parents' house but we don't live there. we have chosen to live near our workplace.
actually they are not close to him, he is not the favorite of any of their parents. we are always present on mother's day, father's day, their birthdays and most holidays.

[MWCDiane]

If you're looking for marriage counselors I suggest you check with Dr. Stanley Chua from Center for Functional Medicine. He offers marital/couples counseling. He's a really good doctor and magaganda reviews nya, you can actually check his credibility at practo.com
He has clinics in Greenhills and Centuria Medical Makati kaya easily accessible. He also offers discounts for his services, you can check out the My White Card website at www.mywhitecard.ph or the app on the App Store or Google Playstore para makita nyo yung discounts for his services, they also have other clinics there kaya its really a good tool for those seeking any medical/therapy-related help or needs.   

[glamorosa_09]

kinausap ko na sya kaso parang wala naman narating, nagmukha lang akong emotera.

Sis, ano ba yung gusto mo marating? Like do you only want to be heard by your husband or do you want to come up with an agreement as to how many visits are sufficient?

If the latter, I guess at first you're unsure kung ilang bisita ba ang enough, kaya ka nagtanong-tanong dito. Syempre, depende yan kasi baka mamaya masaya pala kasama in-laws nila kaya okay lang makaraming visits. Or yung time travel, or yung other goals to relax during rest days.

Ikaw muna mag come up with what is enough for you. But with your reasons above of why you can't visit as frequent as your in-laws want are reasonable naman. Also I think the current frequency of your visits naman are enough.

In fact, for others with toxic in-laws  who always make them feel bad or negative about everything, then i-limit ang visit. Syempre, protecting din one's well-being.

It's easy to be guilty kung ang sinasabi sayo eh you're drifting apart. I think just decide what is right for you given your situation. And communicate this with your husband, that is if you haven't agreed yet if you're going to maintain the current frequency or to add more.

Now the problem is if you and your husband are not on the same page. Sayo enough na, sa husband mo, "sige pagbigyan na lang sila".

[ohcmon]

This is not really a complaint but more of an inquiry lang (lol).

My parents have this problem na medyo dyahe to share with people, and when my mom told me, she specifically said huwag na ikwento kay husband kasi nakakahiya. Pero kinwento ko pa rin kasi hindi ko kaya sarilinin and inisip ko kung si husband may problem and he won't tell me, I wouldn't like it as well.

Tama ba ginawa ko?  Up to what extent do you share things with your partners?

[glamorosa_09]

^I can relate... May problem kami sa father ko na wag ko daw sabihin sa husband ko dahil nakakahiya, ganyang ganyan din.

In my case naman, di ko shinare sa husband ko dahil pinoprotektahan ko lang image ng father ko.

So depende siguro kung anong family secret niyo. If it's emotionally heavy, natural naman na you will look first to your partner for support.

[simang]

Yeah I agree with glamorosa... Depende siguro kung ano mismo yung matter. May ganyan rin akong case but issue naman ng sister ko. Nobody in my family knew, ako aksidente ko lang rin nalaman, even my sister doesn't know na alam ko. I found out about it years before I met my husband... And kwinento ko sa kanya maybe a year or two ago. I just needed to tell someone kasi yung burden na ako lang ang nakakaalam di ko na carry. Haha. But it went like kinalimutan na rin namin after namin pag usapan. Narelieve ako and never na namin naopen yung topic.

[thebratinella]

Regarding visits, it depends on the schedule, distance and relationship with each other. My husband and I have lived in my parents' house for 10 years simula nung magkaanak kami upon my mother's suggestion kasi maaalagaan daughter ko dito. Bumibisita kami sa in-laws ko before every week since they live an hour away especially nung lumalaki na daughter namin para naman makasama niya grandparents niya. Tiniis ko ugali ng father-in-law ko even if hot-tempered. Inunawa ko until nag-away sila ng husband ko in 2017 na nadamay ako. Since single husband ko, hindi na nakatira sa family home kasi inaaway siya ng father niya. Away-bati sila. Hindi naging okay lalo when my father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law so many years ago. Nakakastress. Kaya lang we tried getting along with him para nga makasama naman niya apo niya. Pero di ko na keri yung ugali. Civil sila ng husband ko pero I don't talk to him.

Since 2017, we don't visit sa family home nila. We would just meet my mother-in-law and sis ni hubby sa mall or restaurant near their place kasi baka awayin kami ng tatay niya pag nakita kami sa bahay. Mahirap to meet regularly kasi my mother-in-law finds it hard to walk around or stand for too long that much. Limited ang gala sa mall. So okay na yung once a month na meetup. Sis ni hubby paiba-iba days off and honestly eversince naging busy ako sa work and taking care of our daughter, tinatamad na ako maglakwatsa. My idea of a fun weekend is staying home reading books or watching netflix. Nagkakaroon lang kami ng conflict dati kasi si mother-in-law mahilig magyaya umuwi sa province nila sa North. Basta long weekend or holiday, iguilt trip niya husband ko (example: hinahanap ka na ng mga tito mo... kelan ka daw uuwi sabi ng mga pinsan mo) para umuwi kami with her. Since close si hubby sa kanya and eversince nagkaissue sila ni father-in-law sa ibang babae, he made it a point na pagbigyan mother and sister niya, kami yung nagkakagulo. Minsan may mga lakad kami na cancelled kasi nga nagyaya si mother-in-law umuwi sa probinsiya at hindi niya kaya magdecline.. until own plans na niya yung nasira. Natuto na mag-say no sa mother niya. Dati aawayin ako kasi bakit daw ayaw ko pagbigyan nanay niya umuwi sa province. Isipin niyo lahat ng announced na holiday ng government, gusto ng mother-in-law ko samahan namin siya sa province. HIndi lang yung Semana Santa, Halloween ha. Ultimong Araw ng Kagitingan, Labor day, Eid al- Fitr etc. May time na hindi kami sumama sa kanya and nalaman niya dahil sa FB post ko na nasa Batangas kami with some friends biglang text sa husband ko para manumbat. Nakakasira ng bakasyon. To think na yung pagpunta namin sa resort was planned 2 months ahead and siya nagyaya lang a few days before the trip.

We bought a house 2 hours away from my in-laws' place. It's near my husband's workplace and daughter's school. Ang sinabihan namin when we reserved last year, yung mother ko and brothers. I insisted sa husband ko to keep it a secret muna kasi gusto ng sister niya bumili ng house daw sa same village namin. His sister is 30 years old and single. Honestly, ayoko ng ganun. Naging dependent kasi sister niya na ultimo paghatid sundo sa airport husband ko pa pinapagawa instead na maghanap ng Grab car. Deadma nga kahit birthday ng husband ko eh basta papahatid siya sa airport or papasundo siya sa airport ng madaling araw even if may work husband ko that day. Sabi nga ng friend ko when she found out na ganun if driver daw ba husband ko?! Pati pagbili ng appliances for their family home husband ko gumawa. I can't imagine na my sister-in-law lives next door tapos mga errands niya kami yung papakiusapan gumawa or magvivisit yung tatay nila and magkaconflict pa. Plus there are times na nag-aaway yung nanay, tatay at sister ni hubby na tinatawagan pa siya para gawing referee. Ang toxic. Masyadong loving, understanding and mabait husband ko. Hindi siya makatanggi sa mga requests ng nanay at sis niya. Good thing now he considers my decision. Before siya pumayag sa mga plano ng nanay niya, he asks me na. It took about 2 years before maintindihan ng husband ko na ang priority na niya is our own family. Dati pag may request yung nanay niya, itsapuwera yung gusto ko.

[Fidelis8]

thanks sisses for your replies

Sis, ano ba yung gusto mo marating? Like do you only want to be heard by your husband or do you want to come up with an agreement as to how many visits are sufficient?
on my part I can do every other weekend (2x a month na overnight), i will continue to be present on all events of his parents' life and holidays. si hubby naman nag iinarte na kapag di ako punta sa house nila, di rin daw sya pupunta. ang sakin if he goes there, i can visit my folks na lang. may mga siblings din naman ako, blood relatives.


If the latter, I guess at first you're unsure kung ilang bisita ba ang enough, kaya ka nagtanong-tanong dito. Syempre, depende yan kasi baka mamaya masaya pala kasama in-laws nila kaya okay lang makaraming visits. Or yung time travel, or yung other goals to relax during rest days.
for me kase, i feel na super effort na ako. i am civil lang with inlaws but i give gifts on birthdays and special occasions.
Montly nasisingit na making side comments our wedding was so extravagant and it is not. to be honest, ang side comments ng side ko ay simple lang un wedding namin compared sa other siblings and relatives namin. Besides, equal share kame sa expenses.


It's easy to be guilty kung ang sinasabi sayo eh you're drifting apart. I think just decide what is right for you given your situation. And communicate this with your husband, that is if you haven't agreed yet if you're going to maintain the current frequency or to add more.
i told him if he likes, he can stay and sleep there, dalaw na lang sya sakin. hindi kase tama un drifting apart kase lagi naman pumupunta dun dahil wala sa PH mga siblings nya.

[Fidelis8]

So okay na yung once a month na meetup. Sis ni hubby paiba-iba days off and honestly eversince naging busy ako sa work and taking care of our daughter, tinatamad na ako maglakwatsa. My idea of a fun weekend is staying home reading books or watching netflix. Nagkakaroon lang kami ng conflict dati kasi si mother-in-law mahilig magyaya umuwi sa province nila sa North. Basta long weekend or holiday, iguilt trip niya husband ko (example: hinahanap ka na ng mga tito mo... kelan ka daw uuwi sabi ng mga pinsan mo) para umuwi kami with her. Since close si hubby sa kanya and eversince
ok na ok sana sakin yan 1x a month meetup. homebody ako since birth haha, i think. Pero I read books and sleep or just to lie somewhere (tamad lang). marami talaga ako magagawa sa bahay especially handwash lang ako sa mga damit namin.
may mga time din na umuuwi kame sa hometown ni mother in law, long drive, tapos last minute din ang gusto, earlier years namin ay okay with him pero nasiraan kame and na trauma.. Kaya he says na if gusto umuwi ay ahead of time naman sabihin dahil ipapacheck pa un sasakyan. hindi naman kase maganda kalsada dun sa lugar ni mother in law.
Ibang level ang mainit na singaw sa buong house nila. Kaso kung may pupuntahan kame, we have to fetch them pa. it has to be hatid sundo. Example kakain sa mall, pickupin pa muna sila sa house, un hatid naman is easy peasy because after eating e dadalaw na. In every visit namin, we always have takeout foods. Minsan iniisip ko pwede naman ang Grab car/taxi or kahit taxi, we can reimburse them naman kesa sa haharapin mo un traffic to fetch them. ubos oras and energy din,
as of now mga sisses, nakakatulog na ako , di ko alam if pagod na un katawan ko or i am regaining my peace of mind.

thanks sa nag suggest sa marriage counselor. I mentioned it to him kaso he is not open. ako na lang siguro, after all, ang ma cocontrol lang natin ay un own actions natin.