I really need insights on this issue...sana po reply kayo.
I left my husband for a month on our first year of marriage because of another women. I caught their sweet texts to each other and the last straw was may celphone pala sha from the girl and I did not know it. Nawala celfon nya nun and accidentally saw the fon from the girl. He claimed that they are just friends..I decided to go back because of the baby and financial reasons din...jobless ako nuin and I do not want to burden my parents. He said he will change. Ever since I came bacak we were still having the same issue. Caught him still texting the same girl but now walal na yun. enter naman yun facebook ngayon...was able to know his password sa fb accidentally and saw his messages to other girls flirting with them. messages like penge ng kiss...aagawin kita sa bf mo...asking a girl for a date...all these girls know he is married and di naman sha sineseryoso. but it still hurts...knowing na ganun pala ginagawa nya while i'm working my a** off! i confronted him and he said that he does not mean anything naman daw dun...biro lang daw yun. it is really hard kasi once bitten twice shy...am i just being a drama queen on this situation?
Dear spc,
I copied this article for you that was in one newsletter I regularly receive:
But We're Just "Friends"!
A common plea: But, we're "just friends." However the "emotional connection" is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the "vibes" that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the "just friends" emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don't like intimacy.) The "just friends" emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get "intimate." Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.
3. Of course the "just friends" comment means either "stay away" or "I'm, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me." There is an "emotional connection" to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of "stuckness or lostness."
The lover or "falling in love" emotional affair has a different twist.
The common complaint to the partner is: "I feel badly about this, and I don't want to hurt you, but, I'm not in love with you anymore." "I love you but I'm not in love." This often indicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
2. The person "looking for love" is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being "in love" is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a "lull" in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.
There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark on a more confident path of resolution.[/b]
And now, to share a piece of my life with you:Among married couples, love is A DECISION. Each and every day, you decide to love your spouse, in spite of and despite of. Sometimes, to show you love, you may have to "hold a mirror" up to show your spouse that he/she has become a someone whose actions are already generating negative impacts in your marriage and love relationship. At other times, to show you love your spouse, you decide to forgive. What? Forgive my spouse when he/she has stepped on me like I were a doormat #$%^&* etc., etc.? Well there you go. When you forgive, you do that not really for your spouse who has hurt you; you actually do that FOR YOURSELF, for your well-being. Because for as long as you hold the resentment and anger in your heart, you will be trapped in a spiral of endless negative feelings, that could affect your health and cause you illnesses related to severe stress: high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. It happened to me. For almost 20 years now, I have had to live with managing my diabetes and high blood pressure, caused by my holding on to my anger and resentment over many transgressions, indiscretions and many other types of "sions" and "tions" including - if you want me to be graphic about it - fornication with countless other nameless Jezebels. Lucky for me I learned about the relationship of severe stress and certain illnesses, about stress and anger management, and, best of all: I learned about forgiveness. I had foolishly thought I should make my spouse suffer too, like the way he made me suffer,
for decades - so, why should I forgive?
"What is forgiveness? Isn't that like accepting that my spouse has been correct all along, and I am wrong?" you might say. Instead of copying the whole article here, I will just direct you to the website page of the MAYO CLINIC that explains what forgiveness is all about:
After learning about what forgiveness is all about, and realizing that forgiveness was not for my spouse but for me - because I would be able to let go of the anger and resentment, therefore reduce my stress levels, and therefore better able to manage my high blood pressure and my diabetes etc. - I decided to forgive. It was not easy; my whole body and mind was in turmoil. It was like I had a Dr. Jekyl and a Mr. Hide within me: "I forgive" "I should not forgive" "No, I should forgive." "NO, I should NOT forgive!" etc. I needed help in making myself firm in my decision, and I knew only one who could do that: Papa Dios. So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed.... Then I learned about healing masses (as to how is another long story), which I began to attend each and every week. Then one day, I found myself taking the newspaper (delivered to our doorstep every day) and opening it - something I never did! One writer's piece caught my attention. I scanned through the writer's spiel and focused on the last paragraph: an announcement about a Program being a lifeline for hurting couples. The RETROUVAILLE Program, about which I also posted an announcement in GT:
On seeing that phrase "hurting couples" I said to myself, "That is us! Him hurting me, and me wanting to hurt back!" (Of course, THAT was my perspective - and I was very surprised to later learn that his perspective was similar to mine "She hurting me, and me wanting to hurt her back!") I decided I wanted to know more about the program, and on doing so, I thought it was time for me to talk with my spouse, after a lengthy silent treatment episode between us, tell him my feeling and sentiments over what is happening with our marriage and then say that I was willing to try to mend things, that we may be able to do if we were to do the program. Yes, we did the program and learned about many things, and we agreed that all the things we learned were worth working into our marriage and love relationship. At first I found it difficult to do the things we learned through the program, to hold on to them, to believe in them. I am human, a creature of habit, and habits are difficult to let go of. It took - and it continues to take - an everyday exercise of making the decision to let go of my habits I know (from past experience) adversely affect my love and marital relationship with my husband. Each morning, after praying, I tell myself
I am one positive decision away from positively affecting my love and marital relationship with my husband.
Yes, my husband and I are still together, after more than 35 years, at least 30 years of which were sheer hell. At many points in our married life we were emotionally separated from each other, a few times in our married life we were even physically separated from each other, and, even when we lived together, we were emotionally and physically distant from each other. Me, despite my anger and resentment, I held on to my belief that being married to my spouse was God's plan for me - and during those turbulent years, it was as if I was making Papa Dios accountable for having assigned to me this ogre of a spouse. I asked Papa Dios to remove the burden from me, after all He was the one who matched me to THIS monster. I guess it was God's will that I open that newspaper that day, so that I get to know that there is a program my spouse and I could attend and learn how we could heal and improve our love and marriage relationship.
"Where" are we now? We both quite actively talk about what we experienced in the program and how it has helped us. Me, I am an inveterate chatter in many web-based forums. I write about our "before" and "after" doing the program, our realizations, and what we now each choose and decide to do, for the better. Some of the time chatters call me up, and we end up talking over the phone, or chatting on the internet or exchanging text messages, for hours and hours; some call me up everyday, for many days. I sometimes still have the phone on hand when it is time to join my husband for lunch or for dinner, or in bed, but when I make the thumbs up sign then he knows I am talking with another spouse, about our "before" and "after" life. And it is okay with him. Some chatters even ask to visit us at home, and some of the time, my spouse joins our girly/wifey talks. We do all these because we are so thankful for the benefits that we have derived from doing the program. We would like more couples to know that there is hope, and there is a program intended specifically for couples with marriage relationship problems. So they don't have to languish in a problematic relationship, like we did over several decades - because help is available. And hope springs eternal. Life can get so inspiring, when one rediscovers the spouse one married, when one looks at one's spouse and readily says, "We have been through many trials and tribulations, and we bear the scars of past hurts, but you know if I were young again, I would still choose you and walk down the aisle again with you."
Take care and God bless, young wives/spouses who are having issues and problems right now.
From a wife/spouse getting on in years (at age 57 soon to turn 58 years old, 35+ years married),
Mommy Fe
helpyourmarriage@gmail.com
0918-918-7670
(02) 532-1446 
