After discovering that he cheated, how did u move on? ok pa kayo or hindi na?

[undecided2]

Hi sis Girltaker2, after 10years you left right? So it means nagbigay ka pa ng chance kay hubbt and after that wala din nangyari hindi nagbago or hindi niya na prove sayo na he changed or still nambabae pa din?correct me if im wrong sa pagkakaintindi ko.

[Girltalker2]

^ yes that's correct.
Then ngayon iniwan naman nya yung kinabitan nya at may iba na naman. Mga illegitimate na anak sa labas ...and counting...

This led to my conclusion na dami talaga willing maging kabit or anak muna tsaka na kasal (if ever).

Kaya happy na I'm not there to witness all these na.

[Ann_2128]

Same feeling pa rin pala tayo Sis Undecided2. Praning di ako, bigal ako na lang inaaway si Hubby lalo na't naalala ko pinaggagawa nya. Sabi ko nga sa kanya, hangga't di ko alam ang reason kung bakit nya ginawa yun, di ako matatahimik. Inulit pa kasi..at yun ang lalong nagpa sakit sa akin.. yun ang sobrang sakit.. kasi di ba, alam na nya na alam ko at may mga conditions na ako, but he took it for granted, akala nya I'll accept it just like my first discovery.. Talagang sinabi ko sa kanya na wala akong tiwala sa kanya and he knows it.. Sabi ko nga sa knya, kung gusto nyang umalis, maluwag ang pinto namin.  Ayaw daw nyang umalis at pinagsisihan na nya ang ginawa nya. sabi ko sa kanya narinig ko na yan, pero umulit sya. May mga bagay syang ginagawa to win me back, pero duda pa rin ako sa kanya. HIndi ko alam kunh hanggan saan ito.  Nalulungkot talaga ako...

[glamorosa_09]

I suggest sa mga nakakaranas ng ganito:

then may makikita ka or mababasa that would remind you of what happened and magugulat ka na lang biglang andun ka na naman. same place, same time, same feelings. parang kahapon lang nangyari.

Is that you identify the triggers of your flashbacks. Pwedeng lugar na nadaanan niyo, date na umalis sila, establishments, na-late sya ng uwi. And then you share with your husband these triggers, kasi normal naman yung experiences na you feel transported back to the discovery day. Also, tell your husband whenever something accidentally triggers and what you're experiencing at the moment. Tell him how he can support and soothe you to help you calm down (e.g., touch you, hug you, reaasure you).

The problem here is not your husband, lalo na kung todo effort na sya sa pagbabago at sobrang guilty at remorseful sa nagawa nya. The problem is how to cope with triggers and flashbacks. The automatic responses to flashbacks are angry outbursts. But this is an ineffective way to deal with flashbacks. It's like an angry toddler throwing things when angry and frustrated. As he grows older, you teach the child how to express anger and frustration appropriately without throwing tantrums, as anger and frustration are normal feelings. Same with the wife who is lashing out at her husband, she needs to learn how to cope and deal with flashbacks that won't further destroy their marriage.

With flashbacks, you need to cope with it as an individual and as a couple. Magdiary ka, magdasal ka. Yung mga biglaang triggers at kasama mo sya, then cope as a couple. In time naman, nagdidiminish yung flashbacks, basta wala na talaga sila. Of course, iwasan din yung triggers, baka naman nood ka ng nood ng tv na infidelity ang tema, tapos galit ka ng galit sa husband mo. Unfair naman yun sa husband mo, lalo if he's really exerting an effort.

With recent discoveries, flashbacks are intense and recurrent. But again, as time passes, medyo tumatagal yung period bago magflashback ulit. It diminishes. Although it makes you feel you're back in square one, hindi naman sa ganun. Normal na feeling and reaction lang talaga yun.

[undecided2]

^ Thanks for sharing 😊 yon mga ganyan opinions,thoughts or very meaningful messages na nakakatulong sa amin/sa atin mga broken hearted hehe sna save ko or screenshot i saves it to my phone para binabasa basa ko everytime na mlukungkot ako or yon hindi ko maiwasan mag isip.

Im Praying na sana lahat tayo lahat ng my heartaches ma lessen na and magig okay na ang lahat kahit pa konti konti.

Hugs sa atin mg sissies 😊

[undecided2]

Hi Sis Girltalker2! Omg! Good for you na you left your ex hubby. Hindi talaga siya nagbago eversince and up to now. My mga lalaki talagang parang ayaw ng masaya,tahimik at buong Family. Like my cousin, nag cheat din hubby niya, pinatawad binigyan ng chance but inulit ulit lang hangang sa maghiwalay na lang. Nakakalungkot diba na talagang my mga ganon tao na gusto pasukin ang magulong buhay.kaya minsan it's up to wife na din kung mag s stay pa or hindi na.  Well, sa panahaon ngayon halos lahat yata willing maging kabit or kumabit.

Atleast ngayon po is super happy ka and walang iniisip at stress. God Bless sis!

[undecided2]

Hi Sis Ann2128, hoping maging okay na tayo soon. 😊 just keep on praying lang. Matatapos din ito. Mas masakit nga yon sayo sis kase inulit pa ng hubby mo. Although ako din wala pa din nakukuhang sagot kay hubby kung bakit niya nagawa. Tumatahimik lang siya everytime na tatanongin ko about sa pag cheat niya. Clueless pa din tayo sis hehe
Nakakalungkot noh pero try to be happy din sis kahit papaano. My baby na ba kayo?

[Ann_2128]

Minsan, naiisip ko na maghire ng investigator para malaman ko kung sino ba yung mga naging babae nya. Anong klase silang babae. Wala kasi syng sinabing reason bakit nya ginawa yun,  ang isasagot lang nya pag tinanong mo sya " di ko alam" o di ba nakakaloka. Sasabihin lang nya " tapos na yun". Hindi kasi ako naniniwala sa alibi nya, may dahilan ang lahat kaya nya ginawa yun..Nate-temp talaga akong magpa investigate. ano hindi na dapat inuungkat ang lahat, para maka move on ka.. pero may vacuum.. hay naku...

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

^Sis, sa palagay ko integral part ng moving on talaga for us ladies yung knowing everything, all the nitty gritty details, hinde man healthy, but that's how we cope with the situation, yung malaman lahat, maintindihan lahat, saka palang yung acceptance and moving on. Di ba kaya istalk muna? Check check photos nila ng friends, or mga bago nya friends sa FB, or kuhain mo names and hanapin mo sa soc med?

[kvandenhaak]

^Ganyan din ako, I need proper closure before I can move on. Hindi pwede yung basta lang. It drives me nuts. Minsan kasi alibi lang ng mga lalake na ayaw pag-usapan especially sila ang me kasalanan. Hindi nila kayang harapin ang katotohanan that it's their fault  so they would rather just not talk about it and forget it. Mga duwag!!!

[Girltalker2]

Private investigator...

I tried this before but tendency is talagang k-kwartahan ka nila if you don't know them. Kada araw/oras surveillance may bayad but you don't know if totoong may surveillance.

For me, importante malaman nga for ine's peace of mind. Pero sa totoo lang, it won't give you peace of mind din lalo pa if malaman mo details. If say may sex tape sila, would you watch it? And after watching it, tingin mo may amor ka pa to stay in the marriage?

So I think the best think is really to forgive and forget. And whether you're staying in the marriage or not, it is only by forgiving that you can find peace. Otherwise, nightmare talaga eh.

[glamorosa_09]

I agree with knowing the details, that it's part of moving on. But the healing is faster if you would get the details from him. Kasi kung sa iba manggagaling, magagalit ka na naman dahil he lied, he ommitted something. Wala na naman trust. Hirap ibalik ng trust.

Kung mag-oopen up sya, few details to test the water, eh try hard na kontrolin ang inner bear o tiger, to encourage him to talk. May moderation din ang anger, mahirap din pag all out.

Healing from infidelity is a teamwork, where the husband gets to be transparent in all his endeavours (past,present, and future), does behavioral changes requested by the wife, etc. Wife helps herself too. Sa mga mag-isa lang na nagtatry magheal and yet still in the marriage, it's a difficult journey.

With the question, "bakit mo ginawa?" Kadalasan mahirap talaga sagutin yan. Kung pipiliting sumagot, high probability na pamali-mali masabi. Minsan sarili natin mahirap din maintindihan. Siguro masasagot yan with the help of a counselor, the couple will be processed.

[latte]

Base on my experience kahit hindi ko hinanap ang mga evidence and details dumating Lang sa akin lahat. Kaya naniniwala ako na may divine timing ang lahat. If it is meant na malaman mo kahit wala kang gawin malalaman at malalaman mo lahat if not siguro ibig sabihin hayaan mo na lang dahil puedeng knowing the details will not help you at all. The heart always knows the answer naman eh. I mean we can always feel in our hearts Kung Ano nga ba ang best for us. The only problem most of the time is when we listen more to our ego. Like mas maganda ba sya sa akin, mas magaling o mas sexy? Yan yun mga questions na in reality Hindi naman talaga dapat maging basis.

[glamorosa_09]

^Did your marriage continue or separated na kayo?

[latte]

^ nakipaghiwalay ako after the first discovery then nakipag usap pinag bigyan ko. Then I felt Meron pa din kahit wala akong proof then dumating ulit sakin yun ibang proof tapos apart from that wala akong nakitang effort from him para bumawi Kaya I decided to separate again. But like we have a different situation kasi LDR Kami for a long time Kaya kasama sa pagbibigay ko ng chance was the consideration na puedeng iba pag magkasama na kami Kaya Lang mas marami pa Kong nakita na Hindi ok sakin apart from infidelity Kaya nakipaghiwalay na ko ng tuluyan.

In my opinion Kung minsan nagkamali at nag effort naman to make the marriage work puedeng bigyan ng chance na talagang wala ng ungkatan Kung ano nangyari basta clean slate lahat. Kasi if after talaga tayo sa pag aayos ng marriage yung pag uungkat ng mga nangyari will not help. Pero Kung you feel in your heart or your instinct tells you na meron pa din that's the time na kailangan kausapin at maging detalyado sa mga nangyari at nangyayari.

[glamorosa_09]

^thanks for sharing your story sis... So other than infidelity, marami ka pang nakita sa kanya na hindi mo nagustuhan... Kaya you decided to separate with him... Good for you sis nakawala ka...

I respect your opinion regarding knowing the details. Kung maghihiwalay kayo, yeah, wag na alamin yung details. Pero kung mag-stay sa marriage, confession of the details, is part of the healing. Sabi ng mga marital therapists, ewan ko lang dito sa pinas, yung iba kasi more religious than psych ang background, which is ok lang din naman. Kasi mentality ng mga nagcommit ng infidelity yung "let's forgive and forget. Nanghingi na ko ng sorry. Nagbago na ko. Let's move on."

Knowing the details of the infidelity (e.g., pano kayo nagkakilala, gano katagal relationship niyo, nung date na to wala ka sa birthday ng anak naten, san ka nito?) are like collecting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and once you see the picture, you can gain understanding, and by understanding you'll have a greater sense of control of the future. Traumatic events, like infidelity, you lost your control eh.  Para kang nag-car crash, tuliro ka ng una, traumatized, pero eventually aalamin mo pano ka naaksidente, ano mga hindi mo nakitang signs, etc. You want to understand. It's not gonna happen na you'll forget everything about the car crash and move on like nothing happened.

It's okay to ask details, wag lang mga sexual positions na mga graphics. It could worsen the flashback.

Na explain ko lang

[Rory_Lorelie_Gilmore]

True, wag lang mga graphic or cray-cray like san mo sya una hinalikan levels, haha! 

[Girltalker2]

^ can't imagine
Kahit nga Tanong lang how much time you spend together eh parang unimaginable na eh. Di mo Ma explain the anxiety a Wife can feel, ano pa kaya Ibang details.

Parang di talaga deserve ng lalaki ang second chance. Imho lang naman. The fact there was a conscious effort to commit adultery, at nasa wastong pag iisip naman sya, paano nila nagagawa kaya. *sigh*

[latte]

Siguro kailangan nga ng details for healing. Pero kasi ako Kung Hindi sya nagsabi ng details Hindi ko na inistress ang sarili ko to ask. Then the proper timing came na nakita ko lahat. And well, he let's me see his FB account so from there marami akong nabasa sa mga convo sa messenger. Doon ko din Lang na confirm ang maraming bagay sa isip ko.

IMO yun mga totoong philandering husband malalim yun mga insecurities Nila sa sarili nila. They always need someone beside them to assure na ok sila. My husband came from a broken family as well and they were abandoned by his father. So malalim na malalim yun sugat Nya ng kabataan na Hindi na nag heal. Pero syempre Hindi naman dahil doon eh forever ko syang pagtitiisan na pakisamahan. Is just that nauunawaan ko where is he coming from. Kaya din siguro madali para sa akin mag forgive BUT never forget what he did to me. I mean nun nakipaghiwalay ako sa kanya I even said I love him kasi totoo naman na mahal ko sya Pero sabi ko kailangan ko ding mahalin ang sarili ko and staying with him is not very loving to myself.

At meron din naman mga lalaki na talagang natalisod Lang kumbaga nakalimot sandali but when they regain their memory kumbaga alam Nila na hinding hindi na Nila gagawin ulit ang pagkakamali na yun and they are the ones who deserves second chances.

[Ms. Undecided]

It's been 7 months pero ansakit parin
I told him na "ayoko na, makikipaghiwalay na ako, di na ako masaya" (Pero deep inside hindi totoo yun, masyado lang talaga magulo isip ko), then he keep on texting me, "ano bang problema? wala naman akong ginagawa eh, may iba na ba?". Hina-hunt parin ako ng nangyari 7 months ago, kahit na alam ko naman na nagbabago na siya And I know na this time, the problem is me, pero siya ang ugat ng lahat ng 'to. Before, kapag nagtext siya kung asan siya di na ako hihingi ng mga details pero ngayon sobrang usisa ko na na nakakapagpairita sa kanya. Totoo talaga na hanggat di ka nakakapagpatawad, di ka makakalimot