I'd like to share my bitterness and the lessons I've learned about my dad. I've never shared this to anyone else aside from my bf, until now. I guess it's time to let go of this.
With my dad, I grew up with a feeling of.. I don't know. Dati, takot. Then as I grew up, naging galit. Tapos ngayon, awa.
My dad was a seaman. Pero bata pa ako nun. Yung mga ninong ko na kasama nya sa barko, madaming naipundar pero kami wala. Nakikitira pa kami nun sa lola ko sa side nya then eventually lumipat kami sa lola ko sa mother's side. My mom's family didn't like him kasi mayabang daw pero wala naman. May pagka maangas kasi dad ko at mataas ang ere. Sya lagi ang magaling, sya ang tama. Pero look at us, walang wala.
My mom didn't finish her school kasi maaga nag asawa. She took care of us (3 magkakapatid) and I grew up seeing how hard it was for her. Natuto ako magbasa when I was 2 years old, not books though, but comics. That's because nagrarasyon ng comics ang mom ko just to feed us. While nagpapasarap ang dad ko sa iba't ibang bansa at ang padala eh parang limos lang. Buti na lang nakalipat kami ng bahay na strangers ang mga kapitbahay. Dahil nahihiya ako para sa kanya. Simula ng nagkaisip ako, nalaman ko na namimigay pala ng pera ang dad ko sa mga kamag-anak nya. Parang pinapalabas nya na mayaman kami. Pwes, sya lang, hindi kami.
Bumaba sya ng barko dahil nakaaway nya ang ship captain. I can vividly remember how he boasted to his friends na natakot sa kanya ang captain at baka mapatay nya kaya pinatalsik sya. What a shame.
Since then, stay in na sya sa house and dun ko naramdaman ang takot. Kamay na bakal sya. He would hurt me and my siblings over petty mistakes. He would shout at us, pag masaya kami nagagalit sya kasi maligalig daw kami, etc. Madaming bawal sa kanya na hindi ko kayang isa-isahin. It was hell at home with him.
My 2 brothers graduated from elementary ng sabay. Classmates sila. Supposedly, my mom and dad would escort each of them pero hindi umattend ang dad ko. So ako who was only in grade 3 at that time, escorted one of my brothers. I was crying then sa sobrang awa sa kuya ko. My mom cried, too. Kasi lahat ng classmates nila masaya with their family pero kami, walang tatay. Nasa bahay lang ang dad ko nun.
When my 2 brothers graduated from high school, they left our house and decided to work, kahit anong work na lang daw basta makaalis sila sa bahay. My brothers left during the time na gumagraduate sa highschool ang anak ni other woman and my dad was with them, happily celebrating.
My eldest brother was 16 then, next was 15 and I was 13. Walang nagawa mom ko kundi patirahin sila sa bahay ng lola ko for their peace of mind. ako ang naging absorber ng lahat ng pain na dulot ng dad ko.
Dun nabago ang takot ko, napalitan ng galit. I couldn't stray as I was an honor student. ako na lang ang pag asa ng mom ko. At that time, my dad already has a 2nd family. Wala sya anak with the woman but they looked like a real family with the woman's kids. I remember my mom would always tell me na kaming 3 magkakapatid lang ang magandang nangyari sa buhay nya.
My dad was jobless for the longest time, joining NGOs and such, so hindi kami fully supported financially. My 2 brothers who were already working that time (mga paextra extra work lang since bata pa sila), they were the ones supporting me and my mom. Pag nakapagbigay ng pera dad ko, parang utang na loob pa namin. Tapos kwentado pa. Nagagalit kapag naubos agad. How much more kung maluho kami? Eh wala nga kami ipagluluho. So my mom had to cook some stuff and dinadala nya sa canteen sa nearby school para pandagdag sa income. Mahina naman ang benta. Nakatatak pa sa isip ko when one day, nung dumating ang kumpare ng dad ko looking for him (my dad was with the other woman) and my mom was crying then kasi wala kami kakainin. The kumpare gave my mom P5. Nasa hagdan ako nun, nakaupo, watching in horror how my mom accepted the coins.
I was challenged at my young age. I felt nothing but pain and love for my mom. When I stepped to college, I had to live with the other woman kasi hindi kaya ng dad ko na mabigyan ako ng pang rent ng apartment or kahit dorm lang. So i had to endure everything. I was a UP scholar pero yung stipends na nakukuha ko binibigay ko sa 2nd brother ko para makapag college na din sya. Then my eldest brother was supporting him as well.
My dad would tell my mom na "prinsesa" daw ako sa house ni other woman but my mom knew better than that. Everyday in many years, I would always feel this pain and angst toward my dad. Kaya ako yung taong walang kalambing lambing sa katawan.
A lot of things had happened to me since then. I even came to my weakest point that I had to leave my mom and be on my own for a year. For 1 year, lumayas ako. I lost my way. I broke my mom's heart and betrayed her. She is one hell of a strong woman and I wish I had that strength.
When I came back home, masyadong madrama. My mom was so happy, she never got mad at me, my 2 brothers were there to embrace me. My dad was there, busy with whatever he was doing. He didn't even ask how I was. His pride got in his way. He still hasn't changed, I thought.
It's been several years. When I look back at those scenes in my life, I couldn't help but cry. Like now. It's so painful. Hindi ko sya kilala. All I know is I have a father who's so proud and boastful pero walang paninindigan, who caused me and my mom and my brothers so much hardship.
I now have a stable job, still single. And I can say I'm happy. Pero when I visit our home in the province to see my mom, I look at my dad and I pity him. Maybe because in times of need, he couldn't talk to me directly. Sasabihin pa nya sa mom ko and my mom would tell me na kailangan ng dad ko ng pera, kailangan ng ganito, ganyan. But I give what I can. Gusto ko magbuhay reyna ang mom ko. Gusto ko din magbuhay hari sya pero hindi nya kaya. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa pride o sa hiya.
I let go of the hate. I'm thankful na hindi na kami babalik sa dati. Kasi hindi ako magdadamot tulad ng ginawa nya. I love him kahit ganun sya. And he knows that..
