this should have been my happiest month...my wedding :( {Journal to Recovery}

[minikeyklush]

Hi thanks! btw, can i call u sis ysa? nway, share ko lang din story ko i hope u wont mind girls , i know some of you may not understand or may not approved of what ive did pero pngsisihan ko talaga.. esp nung nabasa ko yung mga stories nung iba dito..

nway, i met this guy last year through a forum din, that time iam also going through a lot of stressed, and prang sya yung best person na nakausap ko that time. Walang nging problema at first kasi, as in nadivert yung full attention ko to him. I thought na siya na tlaga ang  person na hinihintay ko all my life, kasi he was closed to perfect for me ha? We started out as textmates, as in mula umaga hanggang madaling araw. and kapag nasa office naman ako, mgkachat kami mghapon. Slowly nahulog yung loob ko sa tao ng di ko namamalayan. Then finally ngkita kami. It was okay, actually, then after a week ata or days, di man officially pero parang it turned to be a pseudo relationship. The guy told me na he is not yet ready to commit. Dun ako mejo nag-alangan. then I started to do a little investigation about him. Ive found out that he was already committed sa iba. Na hindi ko naisip at first na possible coz yung attention nya tlaga is andun and I asked him before kung may girlfriend siya sabe nya wala. Nghiwalay kame kaya lang after a week nakapagusap kami and siguro un yung pinaka maling naging desisyon ko, dahil pumayag ako na makipagrelasyon sa knya kahit alam ko na from his end na may Girlfriend na siya. So in short ako yung naging 3rd party sa knila ng girl nya. Upon asking from him, nalaman ko na they've been together for mahigit 3 yrs that time nung girl. Its really true yung sayings na pag pumasok ka tlaga sa relasyong me kahati, it is really misery from the start ang mafifeel mo, siguro napamahal na din sken yung tao dats why di ko na tiningnan or inanalyzed kung tama or mali paba yung mga ginagawa ko. We've lasted for almost 3 mos ata. Until dumating yung point na nameet ko yung girl nya personally, thru his bday.. I knew from that time na tlagang nakakaguilty. Dun ako ngdecide na kumawala na. I didnt verbally told him na umaayaw nako kasi ang ginawa ko nagtago ako for a month. Hoping na it'll go away, lahat ng strange feelings na nafifeel ko. Kala ko din I will be able to cope up agad sa kalokohang pnasok ko. But, he didnt let go. Everyday pa din siya paramdam, tinawagan pa nyako nung di nako ngtatago ako coz i left my fon na naka-on (eh dat time ngpapatay ako palagi ng CP). Dumating naman sa point na naging okay ako kahit konti, narekindle yung communication and parang nging friends nalan kame but in a special way. Till one incident happen last February which I think nag trigger para bumalik lahat, kaya lang dat time mas magulo na sitwasyon kasi di na naman kami, I mean di naman naging kami officially pero dat time as in wala ng arrangement from both of us. Dun ko narealized how much I fell for the guy, kaya lang yung masakit na thought dun, no matter what I do, he will never choose me over his girl. Sinabi ko sa knya yung nararamdaman para makagaan somehow sa part ko not necessarily para mamili siya, pero same nga ng ineexpect ko, di ako ang pinili nya, but hindi  nya din ine-end whatever we had, ngtago ako ulit for a month tlagang di ako ngpaparamdam pero andyan pa din siya. I really cant resist him..Its really hard mga sis on my part, For how many times na gusto ko na lumayo, kasi one thing lang naman din, I want him to be happy to his girl, and at the same time ayoko makasira sa relationship nila. Sobrang hirap na talaga ng loob ko, gusto ko sana sa knya nalang manggaling na iditched or ilet go ako kasi di ko siya tlaga maletgo. Ngtiis akong gawing normal pa rin yung relasyon meron kame kahit as a friend, ngpretend ako na okay lang lahat kahit alam ko na i felt like im dying inside. Guys please help me.. I really love this guy tanggap ko na din na we cant be together, kaya lang ang sakit eh, ayoko naman sya totally mawala pero di naman kame pwede magstay as a friend sa ngayon kasi nga hindi yun yung tingin ko pa sa kanya. Sana din maintindihan nyo na, its really hard tlaga tong pngdadaanan ko.. Parang Ive found the perfect person na sana for me pero hindi tlaga kame pwede..   

Mejo mahaba and i hope may makarelate sken sa story nato.. just want lang talaga ng taong makakaintindi at makikinig, Thanks! 

[ysa.belle]

yes, you can call me sis... 

mahirap ang may kahati sa relasyon or sa kahit na anong bagay sis. you cannot call that person na "yours" kase may kashare ka at yung mas masakit dun eh ikaw ang nakikishare.

if ang 1 lalaki eh nakuhang lokohin ang girlfriend niya para sa iyo, ibig sabihin nun eh pwede ka rin niyang lokohin para sa ibang girl. as the saying goes: if a man cheats WITH you, then he can cheat ON you.

mali yun sis. hindi ka dapat pumatol sa may BF na. even if nalaman mo after a few weeks pa. sana iniwan mo na siya agad. babae ka rin, dapat inisip mo yung mararamdaman ng kapwa mo babae.

you tried to stop it naman pala. ituloy mo na. wala naman mawawala sa iyo if you do not befriend him anymore, para wala nalang communication di ba? para hindi ka narin masaktan since alam mo naman na he will never leave his girlfriend para sa iyo. nasasaktan ka alam ko, pero mas masakit pag tinunloy mo yan. mang-aagaw at 3rd party ang itatawag ng mga makakaalam. please sis, jsut stay away from him. i know it is easier said than done pero you have to start somewhere. you have to accept the fact that you cannot be together since he belongs to someone else.

isipin mo nalang muna ito, if ever na maghiwalay sila ng girlfriend niya, tapos maging kayo. hindi mo ba iisipin na baka magkaroon siya ng iba? nagawa na niya sa gf niya, e what more if sayo niya gawin? mas masakit yun.

he is not the perfect person for you, if he is, eh di sana hindi ganyan situation mo ngayon. hindi ka sana nasasaktan di ba? you deserve someone who will love and accept you for you. someone who will prove that he is worthy of your love. someone na hindi ka paiiyakin. and my dear minikeyklush, hindi siya yung someone na iyon.

[minikeyklush]

thanks sis ysa.belle, i know really that i was wrong in the first place..  I never intended din na ganun yung mangyare, if only he is honest enough in the first place. Napakahirap tlaga na everytime we talked and makikita ko yung mga updates nya sa social networking site nya uploading of pics nila ng gf nya.. sobrang hirap, ilang beses akong ngtry na iwasan na din siya me mga months na talagang di nako ngpaparamdam but he wont let go, in such a way i dunno if trip nya lang yung pagpaparamdam nya consistently especially pag nawawala nako. Na ipinaramdam nya na me dapat pa akong balikan which is ang katotohanan wala talaga, coz i never had him in the first place. All i just want sis is maging okay.. yun lang tlaga.. nahihirapan lang ako maka cope up. Di ko na inexpect na magiging ganito kadeep yung nararamdaman ko. and I ended up blaming myself sa inabot ko.. Siguro this is karma, hindi man kami nahuli ng gf nya, pero lahat ng emotional stressed na inabot ko, daig ko pa yung sinasaktan physically everyday.. Thanks sis ysa.belle. I hope I will be able to get out from this. Inumpisahan ko na ngayon, from what ive heard from him, it seems like wala na din siyang pakielam sa pngdaanan ko now. Parang mas importante nalan na okay sila ng gf nya period and sobrang sakit nun.. hays 

[holli_may]

@ sis minikeyklush ===  welcome to GT, sis i'm sorry about what happened sa 'yo. but as what sis ysa.belle said, you need to get out from that mess na. as what you said, it's hard...well based sa story mo it really is hard. pero it will be harder in your part if the damage becomes bigger until it will be uncontrollable na. alam kong alam mo na what you're doing is wrong, sis, so save yourself nalang. Sabi nga diba, do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Treasure that golden saying, sis. We'll all pray for you that you could gather the courage to let go and walk away from that misery.

[holli_may]

mga sis, update ko lang pala kau...I was MIA for the past few days kasi I went out looking for a new place na. And finally I've found one. I'm officially moving out na from this apartment by the end of this month. It felt everything was surreal the first time. Di pa kasi nagsink in sa akin (that day I committed to the new place) na I will be moving out na. But kahapon talaga sobrang nag-dawn na sa akin na "this is it" na talaga! And I felt lonelier than ever I came to love this place na talaga! and the thought of leaving this place very soon is really eating me inside out kaya nga the temptation of texting ex is getting stronger din. He still has some of his things left with me kasi. And I can't bring them with me when I move in to my new place. Mga sis, would it be a wise thing kung makikipagkita ako kay ex to return his stuff? Makikipagkita pa kaya siya sa akin after all this time? I'm not thinking clearly na naman so I need your wise judgment here...

[ysa.belle]

i am so proud of you sis holli_may! congratulations for finding a new place. you will have a new start na niyan, a new home you can call your own and walang bahid ng past mo. okay lang maging lonely sa lasat few days mo sa place na iyan. labas mo na lahat ng iiyak mo para pag nag move kana sa new place mo, wala na yung baon mong sakit.

you learned to love your current place pero kase sis the more na andiyan ka eh the more maalala mo yung masakit na nanagyari di ba? sa new place mo, you can make new memories, walang masakit at you will love it rin naman.

my advice is pag nakalipat ka na sa new place mo, text mo siya na you left his stuff sa old place for him to pick up, tell him din na if hindi na niya pick up yun dun eh masasama nalang sa mga tatapon nung landlady. pero wag ka ng makipagkita para hindi na humaba yung usapan, if you will text him please keep it simple and casual, parang ganito:

hey, you still have a few stuff at the old place. you can pick them up till the end of the week (or kung anong date mo gusto) just look for the landlady.

understood na nun na pag di niya get eh tapon na di ba? you dont need to tell him na lumipat kana, undesrtood na yun sa text di ba?
goodluck sis...

[holli_may]

now ko lang talaga na fully realized, sis, na kaya ko sobrang love tong place na 'to kasi this place is him. kahit saan kasi ako titingin, nakikita ko si ex...nakikita ko ang kami. yung kami na masaya and yung kami na nag build ng mga dreams namin dito. kaya tama nga kayo before na kaya ayokong umalis before is because i may not admit it but it's because i'm still hoping for things to work out for us...na babalik siya    leaving this place is really the finality na siguro, sis, na hindi na talaga siya babalik and hindi na kami magiging kami uli. naiimagine ko kahit ngayon pa lang na by the time na aalis na ako, parang mukhang batang umiiyak ang bahay na 'to. i so love this place, sis. It was I who found and chose this for us. andaming nasaksihan ng bahay na 'to. both nung mga times na kami pa hanggang sa solo nalang ako. Leaving this place is parang leaving a big part of me. ang hirap talagang i-accept ang change, sis. Sobrang nakakalungkot! me times nga na naiisip ko nang wag nalang lumipat kasi naging comfort zone ko na rin tong place na 'to but I know that I have to. Para sa sarili ko 'to.

And thanks, sis, I'll do what you suggested about leaving his things nalang dito. I admit, mas gusto ko talagang makita siya uli pero I'll follow your suggestion nalang. kasi your suggestion is from a clear-headed person while yung gusto ko is from a person who is so emotionally overwhelmed with loneliness and never ending hopefulness

[ysa.belle]

alam ko gusto mo na ikaw mismo magbigay ng things niya personally, hindi naman kita masisisi dun eh. pero yung better for you is makapag move on ka, di ba sis ayaw mo naman na hanggang hangga eh diyan ka, nakikita mo nga yung kayo noon, yung happy memories that you had together. madami yun di ba? pero after all of that eh maaalala mo na hindi na siya babalik sa place na iyan. mas masasaktan ka di ba? okay na iyon na iwan mo nalang at siya kukuha. less pain for you.

its not wrong to cry pag aalis ka na sa place na iyan. ang mali is magsaty ka pa ng matagal. leaving that place will hlep you a lot in moving on with your life. yes, you will leave a big part of you pero bring parin the good memories kase sa iyo yung memories na iyon, no one can take those away from you. leave the bad and painful memories sa place na iyan sis, hindi dapat maisama yan sa new place mo. day by day masasanay ka rin na hindi kana diyan nakatira at you will be okay...

[holli_may]

i know, sis, i know... wish you're right here, sis, i really need a hug right now gotta go out muna, sis, it's suffocating na naman...i need air...

[ysa.belle]

*hugs*

love yourself sis. dito lang ako and out gt sisters

[ruthieteezle]

nainspire naman ako from reading this thread.

Sis Holli, small steps at a time. One day magugulat ka na lang, anlayo na ng narating mo and you'll be proud how far you've come. Mahirap iwanan yung past kasi parang para sayo/ sa atin, doon na tayo naging sure. Pero it will be really worth it to decide to move on. Somebody will someday realize your worth, baka hindi mo pa nga mapansin yung person if forever ka wallowing in sadness.

You'll find happiness din someday and for now, let God complete that void in your life. 

I'm super happy I chose to move on, now I love somebody else and hindi na tulad dati na feeling ko anytime iiwanan ako.

Godbless sis!  Enjoy decorating your new home!

[minikeyklush]

Thanks much @sis ysa.belle and sis holli_may.. I really praying hard that I will be able to get over with this. Im really starting from scratch tlaga, akala ko I will be able to save pa even friendship for both of us, pero as sis ysa.belle told yesterday, dapat ko ng iaccept yung thought na, we really cant be together. I hope I could find some new friends here para atleast di ko naman mafeel ang magisa.. thanks ulit ng marami..

[chengkii]

Sis HOLLI_MAY - congratulations for finally taking an action into moving into a new environment. Tuluy-tuloy na ang pag move on mo niyan.

MINIKEYKLUSH - sis, kung napagtataguan mo na pala siya before, eh di extend mo nalang hanggang magsawa siya kakahunting sa iyo. Can you change your mobile number? And it stealth setting mo siya sa YM mo para di ka na niya makita? Good luck.

[holli_may]

@ sis ysa.belle === <hugs> you back, sis

@ ruthieteezle and sis chengkii === thanks mga sis. yep, i do feel i'm really starting to move forward na and my moving out is my very big step already. i can't promise myself a paradise yet once I move in to my new place kasi I don't kow yet ano na naman magiging challenege ko nyan. If the anxiety and loneliness attack may be worse than ever or baka i will feel more "off" than ever...di ko talaga masasabi. All I know for sure is I know that I need to move from where I am right now to change my destiny and start to accept change.

[ysa.belle]

ang paglipat mo sa ibang place eh major major step na iyon sis. challenges? you just faced one big challenge in your life and here you are, fighting and moving on. kaya if meron pang challenge eh i am so sure na kayang kaya mo yun.

change is the only permanent thing in this world and you just had one big change in your life and i know you will be great in accepting that change...

goodluck

[holli_may]

@  sis ysa.belle === yun na nga , sis, eh...i'm so bad in handling changes pa naman. kaya sobrang tagal kong nakapag one step...pero i have no choice talaga kundi accept change with so much effort. tsk! tsk!

[ysa.belle]

^alam mo sis, it doesnt matter if you're bad at handling changes, the important thing is you are taking this one big step. even if it took you time to do it, the important thing is you are willing to do it. one step at a time lang tapos magugulat ka nalang na sobrang layo na ng narating mo.

[holli_may]

yeah, sis...

[minikeyklush]

@sis chengkii, ive already changed my number, gusto ko na din cancel nga lahat ng account ko na nandoon sya, pero habang pngiisipan ko un, yung close friend ko muna yung nghawak ng acct she changed its password para wala nakong makitang updates or news from him.. Thanks mga sis sa pangunawa.. Im really looking forward to meet you all personally.. 

[holli_may]

yey sis! pati ikaw nakapag-first step forward na rin