On Being a Step Mom

[guilleanne]

Hi, I created this thread because maybe there are fellow GT sis here that is a step mom like me. I would also love to hear opinions from step kids.

I have two step son, ages 13 and 10, been raising them for 3 years and I treat and love them like my own. Although I don't introduce them as step kids, halata agad because I'm only 25 years old and I have a teenager na..

Anyway they call me mama but habang lumalaki yung eldest medyo nagbabago na sya, nagiging sutil na.

it's hard to raise someone else's kid specially pag teens na, kasi pag pinagalitan mo feeling nila I have no right kasi I'm not his real mom. May bounderies talaga na minsan nakaka ilang.

[Poleng]

Hi, I created this thread because maybe there are fellow GT sis here that is a step mom like me. I would also love to hear opinions from step kids.

I have two step son, ages 13 and 10, been raising them for 3 years and I treat and love them like my own. Although I don't introduce them as step kids, halata agad because I'm only 25 years old and I have a teenager na..

Anyway they call me mama but habang lumalaki yung eldest medyo nagbabago na sya, nagiging sutil na.

it's hard to raise someone else's kid specially pag teens na, kasi pag pinagalitan mo feeling nila I have no right kasi I'm not his real mom. May bounderies talaga na minsan nakaka ilang.

no, you don't act like a friend, a barkada or what not. it doesn't work that way with kids nowadays. majority of them has perfected the art of manipulation and their innocent minds has accumulated nerve wracking information that they're not suppose to learn till they're mature enough or at least 18.

its difficult to be the substitute (no offense meant) because you can never really replace the original.

i say you read books about raising children based on their appropriate age. 

or maybe you can try this, i want you to think like a you're a TEACHER. imagine going to school and handling your own class lets say a class of preschoolers. you see, a teacher is similar to a parent. they're substitutes as well. whats good about this scenario is the fact that you can approach them to a more personal level.

just don't push yourself too hard. earn their respect, learn to discipline them without resorting to forceful acts. reward and punishment is a good method.

btw, if in case you and the father of the children get into an argument, do not do it in front of the kids.

and i don't think the scolding thing is a good idea. after they do something bad, let them settle for a short period like an hour or two, then talk to them. don't be afraid, you're expected to be their mother now, so try to act like one not be the one. act like one. you never know, you might even surpass the original. 

[sassa]

Hi sis, I have a stepmom myself and I just call her tita. Shes nice and all that but I dont see her as my mom coz she is incomparable to my mom.
Di nya nga ko inaalagaan pag may sakit ako basta iba eh.


I have two sibs with her pero syempre mas inaalagaan nya yung dalawa. Pag kami nung isa kong sister, wala lang. Parang frienc lang tingin ko sa kanya

[guilleanne]

thanks for the advice poleng. I never result to scolding talaga when they do somehting wrong I will tell them what they have done wrong tell them the consequences and ground them if necessary. KAsi hindi naman pwedeng hindi sila sasabihan, yung lang may mga bounderies talaga like if it's my own child maybe iba ang dicipline ko mas mahigpit siguro. Tama ka, I can act like one but I can never be the one.

Hindi naman malaki problema ko sa kids, gusto ko lang din maka basa ng experiences ng iba. like eto kasing panganay dahil teenager na pag napipigilan sa gusto yan na yung naglalaro sa isip nya kasi I'm just his step mom so medyo nag tatry na syang sumuway sa rules, tinetest nya na yung limits. which I think naman normal kahit pa ako yung tunay na mom.

It's nice to read your post sassa. Ako naman I really take care of my step sons, mas naalagaan ko nga sila kaysa sa aunt nila although sabi nila mom nila was never really there din.

Bago kasi sila napunta sakin sa aunt muna nila and they have been thought to hate their mom, ako naman lagi kong sinasabi na mom parin nila yun at pag lumaki sila nangailangan ng tulong yung mom or kapatid nila sa mom nila kailangan parin nila help yun. ngayon may half sister narin sila sakin and they love her very much naman, princesa nga sa bahay kasi two boys sila and they really wished for a baby girl.

Goal ko talaga is we can be a happy family, so far so good. maliban sa mga ibang relative ni hubby na hindi approve (money matters kasi)  sila minsan nag susulsol sa mga bata na I don't have any rights kesyo girlfriend lang ako, achuachuchuu. hehe.

Since nag hiwalay sila ni hubby di pa ulit nakikita ng kids ang mom nila although alam nung mom san sila nun sa aunt nila at nanjan rin lang sya sa tabitabi, I wonder rin pano kung mag kita kami nung mom at halimbawa she'll want a relationship with the kids again. Ok lang din sakin if ever kaso I wonder din kung ano ang complications nun.

[ms. independent]

^ the two boys are lucky to have you for a step mom. because you are concerned about them. i think since boys naman sila, when it comes to disciplining them or whenever super sutil na sila, let your husband deal with them. para lalakeng usapan. less conflict. less pressure on you.

the thread reminds me of the movie madrasta.. =)

[guilleanne]

thanks sis.

well thats the other thing kasi seaman ang dad nila so sometimes kami lang and I have to be both mom and dad. this summer nga I brought them to the doctor and got them circumcised, yung mga kasabay namin puro dad ang kasama.

Pero pag anjan ang dad nila mas less pressure talaga yun lang namamalo ang dad nila na iniinsist ko sana na wag, pero he is the parent, miski sa kanya may mga bagay na ayaw ko icross when it comes to his kids.

[Vera]

I'm a stepmom to a 7-year-old. It doesn't bother me at all and I don't try to replace his mom in his life. He calls me tita because that's what I want to be called. I intro him as my stepson or refer to him as my son depende sa circumstance. I am very accommodating and I play with him pero I don't like the idea of trying to act as his mom because I am not and I can't be. In fact, I can't make decisions for his welfare. The least that I can do is to be good and give him guidance.

[guilleanne]

hi vera. thanks for sharing. how old yung step son mo sis nung napunta sayo? and nagkikita pa ba yung stepson mo and mom nya.

Kasi ako naiisip ko kaya rin naging ok yung set up namin na I can act like their mom kasi walang communications sa mom nila.

Yung younger step son ko nga mas kampi pa sakin kesa sa dad nya or sa mom nya, hindi dahil tinuro ko yun pero dahil ako na kasi yung nakalakihan, yung panganay naman mas may isip na sya, 7 years old nga sya nung nagkahiwalay parents nya so medyo may loyalty rin sya siguro kahit papano sa mom nya. kasi pag may bagong helper kami sya mismo nagsasabi sa helper namin na step mom lang nila ako, sya nag uunang mag kwento sa mga helpers pero sa ibang tao ayaw nya pag may tataka nga dahil I look young to be his mom sasabihin nya 30 na yang mama ko bata lang tignan. so I'm not sure kung ano talaga ang score sa kanya. But I treat them just the same.

[Vera]

guilleanne - I became his stepmom when he was 4 but we met each other when he was 6. He understands that I'm not his mom (thus he calls me tita) but he knows that I "act" as his second mom.

He stays at his mom's house 50% of the time and with us 50% of the time. His mother has a husband and a kid too. We pick him up at his mom's house on Friday and the mother and her husband pick him up at our house the next Friday. On holidays and birthdays we share him 50-50.

In terms of scolding or reprimanding, I do it in a nice way, like: "D, can you please put away your toys?" or "Can you please turn down the volume?" - For more serious offenses, I relay through my husband and the husband tells him. I try to stay away from scolding or from being the evil step mom. I don't like being evil at all LOL.

When we buy our son something, we also make sure we buy my stepson a toy or something that he needs. He's included in our budget. We go hiking together and do things together. Parang he's my instant son and my son loves him. My son kisses and hugs him and we encourage that they have a loving relationship. There's no favoritism although of course I hug and kiss my son more. I sometimes feel uneasy kissing my stepson. Maybe because he's a grown up already.

I am civil about the whole situation. I don't blame anybody for this set-up nor do I hate anybody. My stepson is an important part of my husband's life and I must accept him as if he was my own. Ayoko ng drama kaya I don't even worry about dealing with his mom. Parang she's just another person.

We also don't say anything negative about his mom. For me it's a waste of time to even try to brainwash the kid. Eventually, he will see through if I've been a good step mom to him and, hopefully, he will learn to appreciate that (he does already).

Sometimes we, step moms, have to step back and look at the whole situation as an onlooker instead of an insider. My stepson is just a kid and if I were in his shoes, I would long for a step parent who understands and accepts me for who I am.

However, I must tell you, being a stepmom is not an easy thing. You have to broaden your perspective to fully function without having that feeling of "unfairness" (for taking care of someone else's kid, that is).

[delisyus]

with kids, even with step kids, we hand them the weapons to use against us

it would help if you and your hubby have set expectations, limits etc na about the parenting bit, especially since you're the one raising them now (if adoptive parents or foster parents ARE parents, why should a step parent any less?)

and with any family, it would help if rules are set in the home...and the kids know what to expect when they don't follow the rules

kids will always test you.... teeners will always rebel just for the sake of rebelling.... but if you yourself don't believe you have a right to discipline them, then they won't bow to your authority

you take care of them and so they also must contribute to the family by following the family rules and respecting everyone.... but at their age din, I think you can also ask them na what punishment or natural, logical consequence is applicable for their their wrongdoings...

[abbhie]

I have a stepson he is 12 now. He is a good kid but sometimes I really get irritated. Makulit sya and yeah he tests boundaries. The mom is not here she living overseas.  Sometimes parang ayoko sy makita lalo pag ka me ginawa sya like di ako sinunod or something....I just let my bf sleep sa house nila instead of getting the boy to sleep at our place over the weekend.

He is a sweet kid but sometimes I feel like he is only using that to get what he wants.  Minsan he tells us di ba tyo mag ma mall. I even ask him na mall na naman eh nag mall na sya with his lola the other day. [textspeak!] nya kasi daw he wants to go to the mall with me and his dad.  Sometime I feel like, sinasbai nya lang yun para makapag mall.

Am I just being weird?

[murasaki]

I have stepdaughter too going on 7 years old this august. hubby and I has a 2 yr old baby na rin. before kami ikasal akala ko madali langmagadjust. kung pede lang bumalik at pumili ulit hndi ako magpapakasal dahil kay SD. malambing sya oo pero she can be so naughty that gets on my nerves. especially with my kid na maliit pa syempre walang laban sa kanya kaya ang outcome iiyak na lang yung anak ko. kaya pag umuuwi ako galing work puro sumbong ang yaya sinabutan,kinurot,minsan may kagat pa yung anak ko. hay nako kalbaryo talaga although dinidicipline din ni hubby kaya lang nasa stage ng kakulitan at katigasan ng ulo.
On the contrary pag nasa good mood sya malambing at madaling mapakiusapan. since halos hindi na din sila nagkikita ng bio mom at wala ang kakampi nyang lola nasa abroad ako na ang nagdidiscipline sa kanya paminsan minsan lalo pag wala si hubby nasa work. kinakausap ko lang hindi ko masaktan kasi feeling ko wala ako karapatan pero there are times na hindi ko napipigilan ang sarili ko naiispank ko talaga. after that paliwanag ko naman sa kanya at I make sure na naiintindihan nya kung bakit sya napalo. I ask her why ko sya napalo "kasi po makulit". mas ok na nga hindi na pumasok sa eksena yung bio-mom para kami kami na lang. nakokontak nya na lang bio mom nya thru celphone.

[guilleanne]

We have to remember that it's not our steps kid's fault that they are in this situation, they didn't have a choice, but we did, we knew(i hope you do) that they exist prior to marrying/living with their fathers, and we cannot erase them in the picture.

we may not be able to love them as much as we love our own kids but we have to at the least threat them fairly, we know naman what is right and wrong, we just have to treat them right.

I have my own moments of irritation din with my step sons, specially the eldest who just turned 14, repeater nga sya ngayon ng 2nd year high school, matigas ulos, would always lie and maruong na mangupit. my hubby suggested to just send his son to the province and live with his lola I almost agreed but then the lola i don't think would be able to raise him well plus wala na nga yung mom nya mawawalan pa sya ng dad. the doesn't want to live din naman with his lola. This year he wont enrol kasi ayaw narin ng school sa kanya, he'll be home schooled by no else than me, sabi ni hubby hindi daw ba ako maasar na laging nasa bahay yun bata, for sure oo, pero this was my choice, my life na, they are his kids and buti sana if they have an option to go to their bio mom pero wala, MIA, super happy life siguro sa current hubby nya na since nag hiwalay sila ni hindi man lang kinamusta mga anak nya.

ang ginagawa ko na alng mga sis pag naasar ako, iniisip ko na lang, ang bio kid din naman nag aact out sa bio parents nila, and may kulit moment talaga ang bata bio man or step. i don't take actions na unfair para sa kanila.

@abbhie malamang sinasabi lang nya yun para makapag mall, nothing wrong with it though, kids loves to go to the mall. wag mo na lang isipin sis na he's doing that para asarin ka. nakakaasar din talaga pa hindi tayo sinunod, pero it helps when you think back na dati hindi naman natin sinusunod lahat ng sinasabi satin, hehe.  Sana ma overcome mo rin yung asar mo.

@murasaki lam mo sis pag sobrang asar din ako sa step son ko na panganay, I tell my hubby na alam mo ang pag hihiwalayan natin ay ang anak mo dahil hindi ko aagawan ng tatay sila, pag di ko sya makasundo ikaw iiwan ko. hehe.. sana kung ang minahal ko e walang anak sana mas less complicated sana kaming tatlo lang ng baby namin sa bahay. pero na oovercome ko rin yung feeling na yun, kasi when i chose him, sabi ko sa sarili ko hindi naman porket may baggages na sya hindi na nya deserve mahalin at lumigaya. nasa kakulitan stage lang siguro talaga sis, sabihin mo na lang kay yaya na bantayan mabuti para di masaktan yung baby mo. i don't think naman na at her age she's doing it to her sis/bro dahil iba ang mom nya. sana din lumaki yung mag kapatid na walang ill feeling sa isat isa. I don't have that problem kasi sis malaki na yung mga step sons ko nung nagka baby ako and the wished for a baby sister din so right now inaalagaan pa nila yung baby ko and very protective sila. sabi nga nila mahihirapan daw magka bf yung baby ko kasi dadaan muna sa kanila yung guy bago maaprove.

i think the best we can do talaga is just treat them right and fairly yung walang masasabing masama satin, mahirap talga na maging unconditional tayo like a real mom to their real kids. saka i believe their should be a deeper bond with father and child kasi ang wife na papalitan yan ang kids hindi, hindi dapat!. And with men, it's so easy for them to chose the girl than their child, and hubby ko ganyan his willing to please me na dibale ng wala ang kids nya, pero di naman kaya ng kunsensya ko yun. kayo ba kaya ng kunsensya nyo na talikuran ng dad yun anak nya because of us?

I want to quote sis vera "
Sometimes we, step moms, have to step back and look at the whole situation as an onlooker instead of an insider. My stepson is just a kid and if I were in his shoes, I would long for a step parent who understands and accepts me for who I am.

However, I must tell you, being a stepmom is not an easy thing. You have to broaden your perspective to fully function without having that feeling of "unfairness" (for taking care of someone else's kid, that is). "

wish ko na lang na sana pag laki ng mga step kids ko maging mga good persons sila at hindi sila lumaking may galit sa mundo dahil sa broken family sila at may step mom sila. hehe..