anak sa labas

[l4dybu6]

may unang asawa dad ko, may sakit sya sa isip bago pa ako pinanganak. may 3 anak sila. nag live in sila ng mom ko pati yung 3 anak ng dad ko inalagaan ng mom ko til mag college sila kasi nung 5 yrs old ako nagpunta america dad ko. nung 3rd yr high school ako umuwi dad ko sa pinas, nag asawa ng pinay na nakilala niya sa america. ngayon, pinipigilan ng bagong asawa ng dad ko na makipag usap ang dad ko sa akin dahil anak daw ako sa labas. hindi naman ako mapaglaban ng dad ko.
nag aaway kami ni hubby dahil di ko daw mapaglaban ang karapatan ko dahil anak din naman daw ako. ano bang karapatan ang paglalaban ko kung kahit dad ko hindi ako magawang ipaglaban. ilang years niya ako hindi kinakausap dahil bawal daw. umuwi ang dad ko ng pinas last year at nung kasama niya na yung bagong asawa niya, kahit text wala na ako natanggap. naaawa na rin ako sa anak ko dahil ask niya saan daw lolo niya, na dad ko.

[lovemeagain30]

una hindi naman nakakaawa ang anak mo na wala ang lolo niya. kasi wala naman idea ang bata sa problema ng family--unless you tell or you make them feel it. (take note: ang anak ko nga walang tatay pero di naman niya naging problem at lalo di rin siya naging kawawa)

if you father doesnt want to recognize because of his new wife? ano magagawa mo.. actually WALA. im sure you've tried to talk to him pero ganun parin siya.

kaya WALA, just live your life. you have you own family now. as matter of fact, (i think lang naman) you dont need any support from him since may asawa ka narin. so love him enough so that this kind of situation will not happen to your own family.

[aquacharly]

14DBU6,   meron ka nang asawa at anak... ilang taon ka nang out of touch with your dad .. anong bawal bawal?  kung gusto nya to remain in contact with you... kayang kaya gawin, lalo na asa US sya?  C'mon.. who are you all kidding?

Accept that he is not interested in you and your life.  Masakit man yan... mali man... what can you do?  People are what they choose to be, live with that.

As for you being 1 anak sa labas.. and so?
If you were legitimate... honestly, would you be a better person?  Would your character be any better?
Perhaps you would have less emo baggage, but you will be as mabait as masipag, as loving a person as you are now.

Why are you worrying about what to say to your kid if he/she looks for the lolo?
Bakit, did you build up the image of the lolo as a Santa Claus in the US that will bring loads of gifts and whatever?  If you did that, raise expectations and paint a rosy picture of your dad-- stop doing that.  Walang mapapala ang anak mo sa ganyan, except to pester you with more questions.

Why is  your husband getting angry na hindi mo pinaglalaban ang karapatan mo?
Ano'ng karapatan?
Ang ma petition ka to go to the US?
  hay naku,  mahabang proceso yan.  IMO better you just focus your attention and energies on making out a better life with what you have within your control or reach now. 
Mabuti pa iasa nyo mag asawa ang pag asenso nyo sa kung ano ang magagawa nyo mismo -- kayo mismo-- kesa umasa pa sa 1 tao na hindi nyo naman controllado or hindi naman talagang supportive or a continuing presence in your lives.

May karapatan ka pag ang tatay mo eh natepok and he leaves an estate na pagpapartihan ng legal wife and all his children.. quesyo legitimate or otherwise.

You have a husband, and a kid... that is more than enough reason to live a beautiful life ...hwag ka nang aasa sa matanda (kahit na tatay mo) who has not led an orderly life and has a history of having no ballz para panagutan ang kanyang mga responsibilidad na nagumpisa sa kanyang irresponsible moves.

[dark_phoenix]

Sis, I know how you feel. It sucks but if he doesn't want to contact you so be it...You now have a family. Protect it so history will not repeat itself.

I am also an *insert thread title here*. My dad's first family is Chinese..all of them. He died two years ago. I went to his funeral and of course andun yung first family. If there's a word to describe DIFFICULT even more, then I think that's the exact word. I felt really small in that room (in the funeral parlor) where all my father's friends and relatives went to his wake. I felt like they watched me from my back so full of judgement and it really hurts. That was one of my worst memories.

It's really hard especially when I see a complete family going to the church and malls. I'm not proud of what they did but I love my mom and I appreciate what she does for the both of us. Until now she's still single. It also sucks whenever someone asks where my dad is. I just say "It's complicated".

[aquacharly]

^thanks for sharing your experience. 

It is a fact that nowadays we try to keep an open mind and be non- judgmental about 2nd or etc/illegitimate families.  But it is also a fact that, whatever the reasons for the marital breakdown, if the marital dissolution is not done in an orderly and fair/amicable manner - the negative feelings of betrayal/abandonment/resentment, etc continue through the years and even beyond  death of 1 involved party.  So though it is unfair to  focus it on the illegitimate child - it becomes an inappropriate issue kasi of magkakampi vs silang mga kaaway. 

Thus, I am all for comprehensive pre-nup agreements like that between  Michael Douglas and C Zeta Jones where even  extramarital betrayals have a cost.  Cuentas claras, walang bulagaan or walang gray areas that may generate animosity. 

DARK PHOENIX - going to your father's funeral/wake was the right thing to do, and very brave of you to
do.  Hayaan mo, eventually the memory of the great discomfort you experienced will fade in the certainty that whatever your circumstances, it was right to pay your respects to your dead father.   

[aquacharly]

L4DYBU6 - pa OT, coz I want to go further with the insightful post  of DARK PHOENIX.  (if this is irrelevant, please just have this  deleted) 

I am a legal wife, and my husband, inspite of his betrayals before, has no illegitimate children.  Let me start by saying that - speaking for myself - IF he wants me to collect on  his sizable insurance early - together with some collateral damage -- sige mag anak sya sa labas.  THAT I will not take sitting down, ignore,  palampasin nor ipasa Diyos.  That to me is a clear case of what my lola says:  Lintek lang walang ganti.  I will not  be a hypocrite on that, as far as it is in my own backyard.

But I have friends and family that are anak sa labas/bastards/love children -- what else are they called?  Do I regard/respect/love them less? NO.  They are victims of 2 adult's irresponsibility/bigger 
love/lust/ignorance -- whatever reasons only  the parents know for  sure.  But being the victim does not spare  the anak sa labas of negative repercussions - same thing with the legitimate children, who are  also victims.

Now, every mother does her best for her  kid. - whether legal wife sya, kabit or pokpok. 
Every mother who does what is  morally right for her children deserves admiration.
BUT being a single parent and raising a kid  well should not erase the fact that bringing a child into this world under the wrong circumstances remains  wrong to the end.  Ang mali, eh mali.  Kaya nga there is the saying nga:  ituwid ang mali.  But the fact is mali nga ang ginawa - do not rationalze/glamorize that so that History will not repeat itself, or History na mali is condoned at maulit nga. Ganon ang nanay ko, puede na rin kung magkaganon ako - mamahalin at iintindihin din ako nang anak ko.   NO. Do not let your guard down, nor settle for less too. 

Rationalization is unnecessary, because the anak sa labas is no less capable of turning out to be as good as the legitimate children.  Lahat yan pantay pantay.  So mga anak sa labas should not be going about with a chip on their shoulders. On the other hand, they should not also flaunt their illegitimacy with false bravado nor be  kapalmukz at ipag lantaran pa nila or rub it in the face of the betrayed legitimate family.
 Everything in good taste, sabi nga -  and tht applies even to  kapokpokan.  Lol.

[sieggy]

@l4dybu6: I know how you feel. Longing for a fatherly love. Mahirap kase may isip kana nung nangyari lahat yan. Alam mo mga pangyayari. How naging super supportive mom mo sa dad mo and his children.

Yung ang problema sayo. Nag focus ka on how kawawa kayo sa nangyari. Yung excuse ng dad mo is so lame at naniwala ka naman. Tingin ko palusot nya lang yun. Dapat mo ng tanggapin na di kayo ganong ka importante sa kanya. ( sorry sis) kaya nakakatiis sya na di kayo kamustahin man lang. O takot din na mahingian ng support isa pa yun.

I know these girls who were abandoned din with both their parents pa. Kasal parents nila pero at early age kaya nung di magkasundo naghiwalay nalang at parang tinapon mga anak. Lumaki sila nakikisama sa ibang tao. Well, sa mga tito, tita, lolo at lola naman. But still nakikisama sila. magkahiwalay sila yung ist child sa mother side yung isa sa father side. Mas mahirap yun diba? pero nakatapos sila ng pag aaral at naging professional. pinagtulungan ng mga tito at tita pag aaral nila kase talagang di na sila inintindi. Pero sa malapit lang din nakatira father nila.

Ang mahirap pa. may pamilya na yung both parents nila at ramdam nila yung care sa mga bagong anak. How they will look at them with disgust. prang sila pa yung anak sa labas. now may mga asawa na sila at maayos sila, yung nga lang protective sila masyado sa family na nila. well naiintindihan mo din dahil nga sa mahabang panahon na pakikisama at medyo pag aalila sa kanila. No more pang aapi! di  ako papayag na gawin nyo sa mga anak ko yan. yan ngayon dialogue nila hehe

Dati bago sya ikasal tinanong ko sya on how she feel about her father. Nakaka inspire kase positive pa rin sya. Sabi nya, mabuti na din napangasawa ni tita ***** si papa kase loko din si papa e. At least may nag a absorb ng mga troubles nya at may mag aalaga sa kanya pag tanda nya. kesa kami pa.  nadanasan kase din nya sa ka desperaduhan sa pag aaral para syang namamalimos sa tatay nya. samanatalang sa exclusive school nag aaral mga bago nyang anak at hatid sundo pa.

Kung ako sayo focus ka nalag sa mga anak mo at pamilya mo. Siguro kaya yung asawa mo naiinis sayo kase baka lagi mo complain yung issue about sa dad mo tas wala ka naman din ginagawang paraan. Hugs sis  i know na miss mo dad mo more than anything. I think di pera issue mo dito. Sana magka ayos kayo. Ang yes communication ang kailangan nyo. pero again kung ayaw nya talga at  duwag sya. tanggapin mo nalang at mahalin ng sobra mga anak nyo at i pag pray na wag mangyari sa kanila yun.