how is everyone doing?

i hope all of you sisses are coping up well..or at least getting better..share ko lang yung depression ko..i've actually had 3 episodes of depression since 2008 (more if isasama pa yung hs days ko)..i was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2008..i had medications til 2009..my third depressive stage (which is very recent) is quite different since may halong Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Stages of Grief..
i lost my dream job of working in the fashion industry for an international retail company,despite all my effort..out of the country din kasi yung work,although for a short time lang,then home-based kami pag nasa manila..
medyo traumatic lahat-from some of the people i worked with (foreign big boss),the cultural differences (& discrimination on women),demanding working hours (meetings up to 3am),non-corporate setting,illegal documents for visa,safety issues between our country & that country at that time, etc..hinandle ko lahat yun,and tried my best to excel kahit di related sa course ko yung fashion..it was my dream job afterall,& what are the odds na makakapasok ako sa international retail company,so challenge accepted..pagbalik ng pilipinas,& after the worst weeks of my life abroad,i immediately got terminated..i don't even know the reason why..i'm guessing it's because graphic & web design talaga yung background ko not fashion/i did not agree to the boss' demand na magextend pa ko for almost a month (but my other pinoy colleague extended for another month) since talagang mahirap din yung situation dun & my hyperacidity got so bad to the point na sumusuka ko ng dugo due to the stress,strict policies on meal times & types of food we usually eat..i think it was absolutely unfair since ang naka state sa contract namin is regular employment..when they terminated me,pinalabas na freelance/contractual lang yung deal..
anyway,grabe ang effect sa kin. para talaga kong namatayan-even my psychologist said na i had to undergo through a grieving process,similar to losing a relationship/death of a loved one..i take my job so seriously like it's the only thing that defines my life..
when i got to the anger stage of grieving, talagang super bad..feeling ko psycho na ko kasi pati windows & lamps ko binasag ko sa sobrang galit sa sarili ko,sa mundo,to the people around me for not understanding what i was going through/been through..i even had frequent thoughts of suicide and burning down my room..hindi ko din maexplain bakit ganung level of thinking na that time..final blow na yata yun,kasi since 2011,i've been having lots of failures na (family business,partnerships,small businesses,etc)
the depression stage was extreme.i really lost my will to live and get over this even if i had a loving boyfriend who continued to fight for me. talagang nawala lahat ng self-confidence ko,self-esteem,self-worth.nawala yung dating ako na masayahin before that business trip..one event suddenly changed my perspective on how i view myself,& life per se..talagang feeling ko,i am nothing,i have nothing,nawala lahat ng na build kong confidence sa sarili,positive thinking,things i learned when i had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) back in 2010 & all the other belief systems i've worked so hard to achieve..nawala din ang passion,motivation,& dreams ko sa buhay bigla..since andun yung lingering thought na i'm just another disposable person to those who had rejected me..i felt like i got stripped off of everything, since i had to start from 0 for the nth time.
right now,after 5 mos of grieving,finally i can say nasa acceptance stage na ako..ang tagal ko din dumating dito,minamadali ko talaga nung una pero hindi pa pala right time for healing/acceptance,since ayaw ko na yung thoughts na takot na takot akong magfail ulit,ma-reject ulit,di marecognize ang effort ko..pero hindi pala minamadali ang healing - dadating at dadating din yan.
i think of that experience as a learning one,more like a humbling blessing in disguise that taught me a lot about life,about people,about myself..all causes of depression/trauma will eventually lead you to more wisdom and understanding of how you perceive yourself & life..after all the struggles,may lesson talaga yan..there will come a time na finally we can all say that these events have made us better and stronger..there is a reason why we deal with these things - find that reason, conquer it, and learn from it.
the advice from a good friend that got me to the first step of acceptance was "WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?WHAT DRIVES YOU?" at that time hindi ko na alam. nawala na lahat eh..but i focused on that question again & again,& akala ko wala ng pwedeng mag spark ng drive/zest for life ko ulit..and eventually meron pa naman pala - in my case it really wasn't money, having the means to achieve material things, having a good title/position, having my dream job - it was all about having great relationships & having the means to help people in the future..i had the sudden realization na maybe this time,i have to start living for others,not just for me,not just for my own dreams..i had to fight for myself so in the end i can start fighting for others.
other things that helped me again were self-help books. i read John Maxwell's Your Road Map For Success & the chapter on failure pa lang,sobrang ang dami ko ng realizations. i would also like to recomend Francis Kong's Only The Real Matters if you like self-help books na medyo business ang peg..i don't why, but this might help some sisses too,mas ok for me ang mga self-help books compared to CBT ko dati..for my bf's case,he prefers audiobooks..find good books - do not limit yourself to novels/fiction - look for books that can actually spark the healing process & help you gain more wisdom in terms of handling disappointments/events emotionally.
counseling really helps,but i tried the harder path this time,despite having the worst depression/PTSD stage i've encountered in my life so far..i wanted to learn how to handle things on my own..isang beses lang ako nagpacounseling & this time di na CBT,Psychotherapy na..ayokong everytime down ako eh counseling/meds/therapy kaagad..
also, my psychologist suggests na during these times when we're extremely emotionally frail,avoid all the negative people & negativity in your life muna. i had lots of those - family members,friends who really kept putting me down while being incapabable of understanding a single thing i was going through..surround yourself with positive people - people who are real,people who can empathize/sympathize with you while still giving good & solid advice. avoid people who'll push you further down for the meantime.
to conquer my anger, i forced myself to try boxing, do yoga, and do hardcore workouts again..may difference talaga sa rush ng happy hormones when you regularly workout. i really don't like working out before,but i did not want to rely on meds for balanced serotonin levels all the time, so i tried it. may difference talaga during the months na sedentary ako vs. the months/weeks when i'm active..yoga will give you mental clarity & make you feel at peace. if you have some extra time to spare, madaming yoga vids kahit sa youtube lang na 20-30 mins. you can pm me regarding workout and yoga video links if you want to

for the sisses that are fighting the same battle, i'm leaving you all with one of the many things i've learned throughout my ordeal: when we deal with loss,we feel like we have to start from 0. take it as an advantage..you've got nothing to lose, so try and try and try and try again - do not fear failure. many failures will eventually lead to success. never lose your passion.
may we all find ways of conquering depression and find the path to healing. god bless you all sisses! namaste!
