I just would like to share what I wrote and hope that you can learn something from this:
when my husband was still alive, he asked me if I was happy being a fulltime wife and mom. He simply could not believe that the 'little sister' whom he knew as an ambitious, workaholic, perfectionist and goal driven b*tch 8 years ago survived a domesticated life.
what made him more amazed was that I was happy and content with it.
he would tell me, "bey, pag may extra pera na tayo, lahat ng gusto mo mangyari sa life mo, lahat ng plano at pangarap mo, tutuparin ko. "
at times when he saw me looking at friends' pictures and profiles on the internet, he'd say "pabayaan mo sila, wag kang mainggit, matalino ka naman. mas maswerte ka kasi you have a happy and almost perfect marriage".
i wondered then if it was his way of comforting me from something i don't feel, or of convincing himself i was truly happy with him.
i told him about relationship advices i've read about keeping one's individuality and independence, of not totally submitting yourself to your mate in order not to lose your identity and self worth, of keeping some things secret to keep the mystery and passion alive in a marriage.
we both laughed about it and said it was all sh*t.
and i know he was happy and proud of the fact that independent little me trusted him with all my life. that strong me looked up to him as my tower of strength, that wise-assed me listened with awe at the things he would teach me.that the introvert child-woman in me has bared her life to him in completel transparency.
that stubborn me believed and lived my marriage according to one Biblical principle " Husbands love your wives, and wives submit to your husband"
and I am glad i did so too...
that no matter if we started out our marriage with petty quarrels and irrational temper tantrums, and with hurtful accusations and jealous reactions over his non-existent "kabit" ( i was jealous of all women around him, even his carlift driver who was old enough to be my grandmother ), in the end, everything became perfect,because I gave my ALL. and he saw it, felt it, and never held back in giving his ALL too. and since he saw that he (and and our daughter) had become the most important person in my life, in return, I had become and was treated the most important person/woman in his life too...
then I knew, my childhood dreams and plans were just reflections of my one great dream in life... to be a wife who, in all her capacity, is someone whom her husband can really call, "my life partner" and "katuwang sa lahat ng bagay " . and to be a mother who is also her child's best friend.
I found and lived the essence of being woman LOL.
When time comes, I will be able to say , I loved my man enough to give up my dreams for him, enough to merge my identity with his, to live my life in his life. And no, I was never a doormat, for the moment my man saw I was willing to submit to him, our marriage became a partnership, of equal giving and taking; my dreams goals and plans, and his dreams, goals and plans became OURS. there was total transparency between us,we understood what every little action and word meant, making everything more meaningful instead.
and oh, about the equality stuff, i secretly believe that I was the one who was more loved
Wives love your husband with more than you can give. You never know when he will be taken away from you. Treat everyday as if it were your last with him, never hold anything back, so when time comes, you can truthfully say you never had any regrets.
It does feel scary at first,
I did feel like I was losing myself. But I found a husband who was almost perfect to be true
... and I was happy every second we were together, that even in his death, the love he left me with remains enough to keep me for another lifetime.
