He has a family and kids, but he's not married and they're no longer living together for a year now the physical intimacy only happened when one point in my life I wasnt sure If I was a normal human being anymore kasi parang patay na lahat ng emotions ko, walang galit, walang happiness, walang empathy, no more dreams. I was just existing , no longer living. The only feeling I had then was hunger, I ate and ate and ate until I vomited but I still felt hungry. Syempre andun pa rin yung pagiging nanay ko, I still took care of my baby, mahal ko yun no matter what happens, but for a few months, inalalayan ako ng people around me kasi minsan nakakalimutan kong mag prepare ng breakfast for my daughter kasi ayaw ko na gumising.
I gave hubby years of my life devoted to nothing but to just be there for him, take care of his needs and be his best friend. Siguro rin nung last 2yrs of his life, he had this feeling na hindi na siya magtatagal. Sa pagtulog, bigla na lang akong gigisingin nun pag madaling araw para lang sabihin saken kung gaano niya ako kamahal at kung gaano siya ka thankful na dumating ako sa buhay niya. Hindi yun siya showy usually eh kaya before minsan nagugulat ako pag bigla na lang yan uuwi ng maaga kasi dederetso na ng bahay from field work at hindi sasabihin saken para ma surprise ako, tapos pag bukas ko ng pinto, bigla na lang akong yayakapin nun with matching kiss. We were so in sync with each other that pag naririnig kong nagbubukas yung elevator sa flat namin at may naglalakad sa hallway, alam ko na siya yun dahil nakatatak na sa puso ko yung tunog ng footsteps niya. and 6months before he died, nagtataka lang ako bakit halos every night he wanted physical intimacy, eh ok lang sana kung 1yr pa lang kami, eh 7yrs na and he was in his 40s already. And one time, I said I wanted to visit my sister living in another country kahit 1 week lang, and we won’t have to spend anything pa kasi libre. And he said NO. I asked him for 20 reasons why and he said to me 20 times na he couldn’t survive the day without me by his side. And every time I tried to remind him to take good care of his health para naman umabot pa siya sa kasal ng anak namin, he would say, masyadong matagal na yun. Tapos when I say, kahit debut na lang, he still said hindi na siguro. Tapos nung sinabi ko na kahit HS graduation na lang, he just smiled at me. And around 8 months before, ang parati niyang pinapatugtog sa car ay yung kantang Butterfly Kisses, yung wedding march namin na Love Moves in Mysterious Ways at pag gabi madalas akong patugtugan nun ng Imagine Me Without You (...when I found you I was blessed and I would never leave you, I need you....I cant imagine me without you)...
I should have paid attention to the signs. Lalo na when he said na pag gabi minsan he felt like someone was choking him to death. And around 10 years ago whenever I asked him to go to church with me, he would say na ayaw pa niyang magbagong buhay kasi feeling niya pag ginawa niya yun kukunin na siya ni Lord. Yet around a year before he died, he became a changed man, mas strong pa ang faith nun kesa sa akin. He left all his vices for good at kulang nalang maging pastor yun eh.
Nandun na yung signs but I ignored it. Yes may regrets ako, kasi kahit alam ko naibigay ko na lahat, alam ko I could have done better. Call it guilt or what. I know he was happy and contented with me kasi nung bumisita Pastor namin sa bahay around 12noon (his aneurysm ruptured at around 9pm) that day, sinabi niya sa pastor na " Nagpapasalamat ako kay Lord for giving me 'd" as my wife kasi if not for her, hindi ako magbabagong buhay, and I wouldnt have known and felt this kind of joy in my life" .... and this is true, di ba he was confined for like 23 days before he became brain dead kasi nga may 1st rupture ng aneurysm so they had to totally sedate him for 10 days muna para ma contain nila. The moment they took him off sedation and he woke up with me beside him sa ICU, he told me "bey, may CALLING ako. tinatawag ako ni Lord" ..and i said baka magiging missionary ka or pastor din. and he said siguro. but I guess he was telling me na tinatawag na siya ni Lord....
kaya love your spouses as if today is his/her last day on earth.
