Everything's still so fresh...please bear with me as I only have GT now to pour out my heart to...
I learned I was pregnant only last Feb 12, a day before my husband's birthday. I was so happy and excited. I already have one blessing from heaven, my 7 year old daughter and to have another angel soon, sent me on mother-mode overdrive.
Please indulge me in going back a little....
I missed my period for January and waited until the first week of Feb just to make sure if my period was just delayed. I was disappointed a few nights later to see blood spots which I thought were the onset of my delayed period. The following morning I noticed that this was not my usual monthly flow and wondered if it was implantation bleeding. So I waited for 2 more days just to see if my period will resume. When it didn't, I made it a point to observe my body for signs of pregnancy.
And the symptoms came. My breasts were tender, I felt bloated, my lower back was aching and I was sleepy ALL the time. I researched on the internet and confirmed that these were indeed pregnancy symptoms. So I set a date in mind to go visit my Ob-Gyn once again.
Early morning of Feb 12, my husband and I went to my Ob's clinic. My Ob asked to me do a preg test to confirm my suspicion that I was pregnant. Then her secretary came back with the test in hand, and 2 lines appeared. I was positively pregnant! I was ecstatic. My Ob calculated my dates and I was roughly about 6 weeks pregnant. She tried to scan my tummy if we could possibly see a sac. When we didn't, she said it was probably too early in the pregnancy to see anything yet and set to have me come back March 1 to check again.
Coming home from the clinic changed my life. It was so timing that there was a 'Baptismals and Birthdays, Too Fair' at Megamall. So right before lunch time, I dragged my sister with me to check it out. When I got there, I was so proud to say that I was gathering ideas and infos for a future baptismal and birthday. I still have those flyers with me.
I was on cloud nine!
Then, my world slowly turned dark. As in dark red. I began spotting little by little beginning Feb 15. At first, it would only happen once a day. Come Thursday night, I already had what seemed like my menstrual flow. All throughout this time, I would update my Ob of what's happening. She asked me to come see her again Friday, Feb 19 to do a scan.
Friday morning came. Called up the clinic to set an appointment. I was given the 10:45am slot. As I was getting ready at 10:30am (we live close to the clinic), the persistent pain in my lower back suddenly shifted to my lower abdomen causing me to curl up in pain. To simply describe how I felt, para akong manganganak sa sakit. I couldn't walk. I didn't want to go to the ER so I asked my sister to keep on calling my Ob's clinic to ask for instructions. When my Ob got to the phone, she told me "I think you're having a miscarriage...Proceed to the Delivery Room and I'll meet you there."
I was devastated. I wasn't supposed to go to the Delivery Room yet. Sa September or October pa dapat yun. Di ako makapaniwala that what's happening at that moment was really happening. And it didn't help that while I was waiting for my turn at the ultrasound section, shaking in pain and all, there were other pregnant women there holding the 4D scans of their babies.
Ang sakit. Up to now I'm still grieving. Grieving the loss of the baby I will never have. My Ob told me it was the body's way of removing a genetically imperfect pregnancy. That it's better than having a baby with abnormalities later on. I understand that part. What I'm feeling hurt about is that I felt was taken advantaged of. It was just last week I was so happy only to have that happiness taken away from me a week later. Now, I'm dreading for September to come.
In that week I was pregnant, I already had a name chosen. I was sure it was a boy. I felt it was a boy. I already was bonding with him. I would talk to him and caress my tummy and call him by name. I even had his first outfit planned.
And what hurts me most is that I don't think I can try to have another baby anymore. Suffice to say, it would be selfish of me to have another baby.
Now, I'm searching for the purpose of all of this. And i still don't know.
