Frequent Visits and Over-staying Parents di type ni Hubby

[Ruthie_girlicious]

Mga sis, paano ko ba sasabihin sa parents ko na wag masyado madalas at matagal ang visit sa house namin ni hubby? Pansin ko kasi naiinis si hubby pag nandyan sila and lately nagiging vocal na din siya sa akin na di sya comfortable pag nasa house namin parents ko. Di daw sya makakilos ng gusto nya.

Dalawa lang kasi kami anak ng sister ko who is still single and also works here in Manila.  Yung parents ko stays in the province but regularly visits us here.  Since ako yung may extra room for visitors since my sister only rents a room near her work, sa house namin sila nag stay. Normally one week sila nasa house. Lately nagiging every 3 weeks na ang visit.  Another thing, feeling ko masyado clingy na father ko.  Kahit minsan wala namang dahilan para mag visit sa Manila like medical check-ups eh gusto pa rin nya pumupunta sa amin at yun nga 1 week sila sa house namin.  Help mga sis, before kami naman ni hubby ang magka problema!

[zazhimi]

talk to your hubby about it... kasi baka nalulungkot rin parents mo sa province kaya lumuluwas sila sa manila... kawawa rin kasi mga parents mo... s

[mlee]

if i was your hubby - i'd feel the same way. 1 week is long enough for me to have to deal with guests, friends or even family members. Nakakapagod mentally and physically (for me).

Mahirap nga lang magsabi sa parents mo dahil mami-misinterpret nila hubs mo kahit na "NORMAL" lang ang feeling ng hubs mo sa ganyang situasyon.

Siguro ang maganda mong sabihin ay busy kayo or may ibang bisita ... ?

[blooming]

sis, san ang province ninyo?  sa dalas ng dalaw ng parents mo dyan, mukhang malapit lang naman.

why not volunteer na ikaw naman ang pumunta sa kanila?  am sure na-m-miss ka ng parents mo.  mag-usap kayo ng sis mo.  if possible sya ang umuwi sa inyo ng once a month. and ikaw din.  ang point is nalulungkot parents mo. and kung nakaschedule na ang uwi ninyo, hindi na nila maisipang madalas lumuwas.

[blooming]

another thing, regarding your hubby naman...

1) never ever tell your parents ayaw ng hubby mo andun sila. not respectful as far as I am concerned. and I would NEVER EVER do that.  unless alam kong wala na sila sa lugar. 

2) ano ba gawa ng parents mo such that ayaw ng hubby mo. maingay ba sila? lagi ba nila dino dominate ang TV?  etc.  baka magawan ng paraan. like buying a TV sa guest room, so that they can watch there. etc.  Or have your own ref sa masters bedroom, mga ganun. 

3)talk to your hubby. I think this point is important. Make him understand how your parents miss you din.  Pag matanda na ba kayo at may anak kayo na gusto ninyo makasama at ayaw nung manugang ninyo, how would your hubby feel?

[Ruthie_girlicious]

Thanks sa advice mga sis.

Sis Blooming, regarding your queries, taga Batangas lang parents ko, so medyo malapit lang talaga.  Di naman sila maingay pag nasa amin but yung father ko kasi I would say na at home masyado, as in nood ng tv lagi, utos sa maid, nakikialam sa kitchen at may pagka metikiloso which irritates hubby.  Feeling nya, nasasapawan sya pag nasa house father ko.

Minsan pagdating namin nanonod si father sa lanai where we usually take our meals ni hubby.  Pag akyat namin sa second floor, naka-on din yung tv sa entetainment room because my mom and sister are there.  Tapos si hubby mag si-side comment na wag na lang namin buksan tv sa masters bedroom because malakas na sa kuryente... yung mga ganun, sis.  Ewan ko ba. I'm thorn between my family and kay hubby.  Alam ko may point din si hubby mainis kaso I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings too by being honest to them.

Another concern is of course affected din ang budget if they are with us. Halos nadodoble ang palengke not to mention may effect din sa electriciry consumption.

Gosh, tell me what to do mga sis.

 

[blooming]

1) do you have work?  or si hubby lang kumikita?  natanong ko lang naman ito kasi kung si hubby lang ang kumikita, your family should be sensitive enough regarding gastos.

2) I guess pag-isipan mo yung plan kung puede kayo madalas lumuwas ng batangas. make it once a month at sabihan mo din sister mo. 

3) regarding TV... wala bang TV sa guest room?  baka puede ka maglagay ng TV sa guest room para dun lang sila. 

for the entertainment room naman, baka puede mong i-lock?  kasi they have to realize din naman kahit papano na guests parin sila, so somehow they should be confined sa guest room, at other common areas like sala, dining and kitchen.

naintindihan ko hubby mo.  kung ako kasi, hindi ko rin gusto ganun.  pero kung temporary lang naman na 1 wk, it should be ok. pero kung 1 wk monthly... parang mapupuno din siguro ako. 

4) sa parents mo naman, for them not to be hurt, ulitin ko ulit... baka gusto mo ikaw naman ang lumuwas minsan.  pangalawa, pag luwas mo, you can probably tell some stories na medyo tight ang budget, etc.  patama ba na medyo nahihirapan kayo sa electricity bills and groceries.  third solution, yun nga, i-lock mo ang ibang rooms except guest room for them to stay there, at lagyan mo nalang ng TV ang guest room. 

[blooming]

sis ruthie, isa pa pala... regarding sa pagpapatira.  naalala ko lang, we used to have 3 rooms sa apartment namin before. 1 room for our kids, 1 room for masters.  pero yung third room, we converted it to be the TV room, and NOT a guest room. Kung meron man kelangan makitulog, it is just going to be a night.  yun na pinakamatagal, kasi kahit sino magstay, will not be comfortable kasi lalatag lang sya ng kutson sa floor.  cabinets are all locked (all our stuff) etc. hehe 

Nasabi ko din yan kay hubby, na sana guest room yung isa. but I guess my hubby was straight forward nung bagong kasala pa lang kami. walang titirang guest sa house.  kasi he is agraid, with our culture nga kasi, mamaya mahirap magpaalis ng guests. sabi ko, e pano kung may darating na bisita from abroad/province?  sagot nya - bahala na raw parents ko or parents nya dun, ayaw nya mamoblema pa. worst case, is we will pay for the condotel that they can stay in. 

[Ruthie_girlicious]

Thanks for your advice, sis blooming.  Actually napaisip nga ako dun sa suggestion mo na kami na lang ang bumisita, say, once a month.  That way, di na nila kailangan lumuwas madalas ng Manila.  Another good suggestion is that i-lock na lang yung entertainment room so they'll be confined in one area na lang which is the lanai since the guest room has no TV. 

In fairness to my parents, mabait sila kay hubby and when they come to visit they bring in food na alam nila favorite ni hubby.  Never din sila nag comment ng negative about him even if minsan I think nahahalata din nila sa actions ni hubby na di sila ganun ka welcome (di masyado nakiki minggle si hubby and stay lang sa room most of the time)... but I think that's not the issue here.  The real  issue ay yung frequency of visit at period of their stay sa house.

By the way, I'm also working so share kami ni hubby sa expenses.

[leela1025]

i think your parents are lonely that's why they do that. if my husband is against them staying with us from time to time, i'd feel bad about it. my parents are my parents and they are not growing younger. when they die, i don't want to regret that i didn't spend enough time with them. and i don't want to resent hubby for not allowing me to do things for them.

since you are also working and contributing to the household, you have the right to let your parents stay there. and if hubby wants it to be fair, then he can also invite his parents over.

if your parents naman are nice to hubby and they are not acting like they own the house, i would talk to hubby and explain that i really want to spend time with them. kung feelingera sila at umaasta na kanila yung bahay, then that's a problem and i would side with hubby. but if they act decently and civilly, then i'd let them stay.

i'm against couples living with in-laws but if this is on a permanent basis. pero kung bisi-bisita lang, okay lang sa akin.

[zazhimi]

^i agree... i'm sure your parents misses you so much.... same goes to my parents who i know misses me so much... so even if we're all staying within metro manila... i do invite them to stay with me during weekends... my hubby doesn't mind... my parents know how to conduct themselves properly when staying with us... 

[Ruthie_girlicious]

You're right mga sis, talagang miss nga siguro kami ng parents ko because close kami sa family unlike sa case nila hubby na di masyado. One thing, yung mother-in-law ko lives abroad and yung siblings nya seldom visits us. Di sila ganun ka-close magkakapatid. Yun din siguro reason why di sya maka relate and di nya maintindihan yung situation ng parents ko.

Opposite naman kami because I always makes him feel na welcome anytime family nya if ever they want to come and visit us. I even tell him na pag umuwi si MIL, dun sa house namin mag stay.
 

[clueless]

^ i am in a similar situation. my parents also stay in the province and sometimes they come to manila to visit. though they still have a house in QC, a lot of the time they stay with us because we live closer to the airport so madali magsundo at maghatid. and sa QC kasi, my sisters both work the whole day and most of the time have dinner out. no effort man lang to go home early since our parents are there. so my parents prefer staying with us than at their house.

one time i asked my husband if it was getting to be an issue na. not only the visits and staying with us ha but even the financial help, even their plane tickets madalas i pay for when they say they want to come here. pati their medical expenses. basta all out ako palagi when they're here.

like you din, syempre we spend more for food and electricity. naka-aircon din our guest room pero di naman naka-on 24 hours when they're here, sa gabi lang din but still...

my husband's reply to me - there is no issue because i'm sure if the situation were reversed, you would extend the same courtesy (and the same help) to my parents/family.

i was surprised by that reply because my husband's parents and only sibling are all abroad also. and they're not a closely-knit family so i thought maybe he wouldn't understand where i was coming from. whenever they come here to visit, they know that they're always welcome in our home but given that their family dynamic is so different from ours, alam na ng husband ko that they won't stay long with us. 1 or 2 nights at a time lang like if say, we're going out of town and need to leave early the next day.

mahirap if you and your husband do not understand each other when it comes to each of your own families. your family doesn't have to be like his and vise versa. one has to understand what kind of family the other came from so he/she knows how to deal with the situation.

i fully agree with what leela1025 has said. talk to your husband and i hope he understands where you're coming from.

[billy]

i think your parents are lonely that's why they do that. if my husband is against them staying with us from time to time, i'd feel bad about it. my parents are my parents and they are not growing younger. when they die, i don't want to regret that i didn't spend enough time with them. and i don't want to resent hubby for not allowing me to do things for them.

i truly agree with this. and if you also do, sana ma-i-communicate mo ito sa kanya para maintindihan niya.

[Ruthie_girlicious]

^^ swerte mo naman sis clueless naiintindihan ni hubby situation mo...

[kusinera311]

i think the best thing dito sis is mag usap kayo ni hubby i open mo sa kanya what do you feel.
mga parents kasi natin habang getting oldies na ayun nagiging mtatampuhin..

kami naman ni hubby base abroad.pero alam ko and alam ni hubby na may parents specially missed us and nalulungkot sila.so sabi niya uuwi na daw kami yearly than before two-three years kami before umuwi..

i open kasi kay hubby na im worried to my parents they are getting old and lahat ng kalungkutan sa buhay is nag uumpisa na na maramdaman nila specially my sister was in manila and me is abroad wala na sila kasama sa hauz..

so i think the best solution diyan is to talk to hubby..

[chinkywinky]

Baligtad naman sa case namin ng hubby ko, mas siya pa ang nag-aayang umuwi sa province namin at namimiss nya raw mga tao don  Pag lumuluwas naman family ko dito, ok lang kahit samin mag stay at kahit studio type lang condo namin, latag anywhere lang. No issue at all.

Your family is just missing you, pero  consider also your hubby's feelings. Pag usapan nyo ng maayos

[aquacharly]

Well, sa postings dito -- which are all valid..
What I gathered... eh talagang hwag na lang sabihin at hangga't maari hwag ipakita/paramdam that you do not like your parents to be visiting so often or too long.

I liked the suggestion of BLOOMING best... ikaw na nga lang ang dumalaw sa Batangas.

Atchaka, parents are parents... ang hirap ibahin ang pag uugali nila.   If you do close off the Entertainment Room... hay naku, sigurado makakaramdam yan nang sama ng loob ... lalaki lang ang kwento.

The best thing talaga is to talk to your husband and ask for greater understanding and more patience.

Another thing is... do they call you in advance that they are coming over?
If they do that,  another way to lessen their visits is if you tell them you can't be around that weekend coz your family is off for a vacation or whatever. 

Talk to your Sister too.. sabihin mo paki kupkop din sila now and then. 

What did I do?  I always saw to it that the houses we bought did not have a spare room for guests. 
The spare room was always used as an alternate office for our business, and later on also as a Study Room.   
That way,  everyone/anyone can see that it will be impractical to stop using the room or to temporarily move the things elsewhere.

Now that I have spare rooms in this current house,  everybody is used to my not taking in guests.  Sure, I bring them around, feed them all over Metro Manila -- but I really very seldom take in guests. 

Pag may relatives coming in from abroad,  my sisters already know that I am the one who "takes no hostages".  LOL   that is how they put it.

[Ruthie_girlicious]

Thanks sa advice mga sis!

Sis aquacharly, yes, they do call me in advance if they're going to visit us.  Na-try ko na din yung sabihin ko na wala kami sa house for the weekend (office kami M-F) but ang nangyayari nade-delay lang ang luwas nila ng konti. 

Maraming beses na din kami nag discuss ni hubby tungkol dito.  medyo nag mellow na nga sya ng lagay na 'yan kasi dati pag nadyan sila parents, sasabayan ba naman ng alis! Kainis nga at first pero I'm trying very hard to understand him din.  Kaya lang syempre nahihiya din ako sa parents ko.  Buti nga si sila nag ko-comment di maganda nun tungkol kay hubby.  Well at least yun ang alam ko..

Now naman, nababawasan na yung pagrereklamo nya sa akin kaya lang I'm too sensitive na din siguro sa actions nya kaya alam ko inis pa din sya kahit di nya sabihin

Yung sister ko naman is so busy.  She's a doctor by profession (resident) and lagi din duty sa hospital kaya limited din lagi time nya for my parents.  Ako na lang nga sana makakasama nila kaso kumokontra pa itong si hubby,, haayyy...

[aquacharly]

Hay naku RUTHIE,  I feel your exasperation and all.. pero wala na talaga akong ma bigay na feasible advice.     

We wives are really caught in a hard place at times.

I will keep track of this thread... baka some will return and/or post  more  solution options we can all learn from.

God bless!