@ girlinred: actually, matagal ko na gusto magshare pero I'm quite scared or paranoid na baka may kakilala ako na makabasa nito kahit nga nakatago ang true identity natin dito sa GT. I'm also married na rin kasi pero no kids. My hubby doesn't know about this at ayokong malaman nya ito. Maybe because this is my deepest secret. Ayokong mag-iba ang tingin nya sa akin, mahal ko kasi sya talaga.
I had many girl crushes before but there are two girls whom I really fell in-love with.
GIRL # 1 (bifemme)
We're both in high school back then. I was a sophomore, she was a senior. I joined Citizen Army Training as a provisionary for 1 year & she was a high ranking official. She's pretty but her looks is kinda masculine. Matalino sya, mabait & kinda conservative. By the way, a male co-provisionary courted me & I really liked him. To cut the story short, we had a mutual understanding.
Officer & I became friends. Sya ang tagapagtanggol ko sa mga abusadong officer. Then sabi ni suitor na iwasan ko daw si officer kasi lesbian daw ito (actually she's a Bi) at mukhang may gusto sa akin. I got angry kasi wala namang ginagawang masama si officer sa akin so bakit ko sya iiwasan. The next thing I knew, nag-quit na si suitor sa CAT. He said he just can't stand seeing officer. Officer then found out that she's the reason ng pag-quit ni suitor. She felt bad kasi botong-boto pa daw sya kay suitor for me tapos pagbibintangan pa sya ng kung ano-ano.
Eventually, I told suitor to stop na from courting me kasi he doesn't fully trust me naman eh. He was so enraged. The next day, nalaman ko na lang na pinagkakalat nya sa school na ipinagpalit ko daw sya sa isang tomboy. Oh poor boy, I just ignored his scheme.
After a few months, I found myself falling in-love with officer. And I can feel that she likes me too. Only my co-provisionary & other female officers (who are either butch or bi) knew about this. They said that I'm just infatuated, that it's just a phase & I will soon get over it. Sabi nila, they can't imagine me having a gf. Di naman sa pagmamayabang, I'm pretty and had many male suitors as well as lesbian admirers. Kahit 14 pa lang ako noon, alam kong love na talaga ang nararamdaman ko.
Then there came a point where I can't contain myself anymore. I made the first move. Yup, niligawan ko sya! I wrote her a letter to let her know that I'm in-love with her. She replied naman. She said "I felt guilty for what happened to you & --- kahit alam kong wala naman talaga akong ginawang masama." She said she cares for me but is hesitant to show it. She also told me not to take everything seriously. Baka nagkakamali lang ako sa interpretasyon ng feelings ko, bata pa raw kasi ako. Take note, I still have her letters until now. Sobrang nakatago lang talaga.
To cut the story short, never nya ako sinagot ng OO. But we had this mutual understanding, we're "exclusive" to one another. My parents didn't know anything about this. Kala nila barkada lang. Her parents naman knew that I'm her special someone. She never took advantage of me kasi nga she's kinda conservative. We never went beyond hugs and kisses (only on cheeks). Bata pa kaya kami noh. Never kami nag-PDA. She's so sweet and thoughtful. Basta feeling prinsesa ako.
This thing went on for over a year kahit na nag-college na sya. She visits me pag wala syang pasok. Hanggang sa naging sobrang busy na sya at di na kami masyado nagkita.
I can't say that we fell out of love. Parang we just felt na "hanggang dito na lang". She said I deserve someone better, yung totoong lalaki, yung normal na relasyon. It was really painful to let her go. Dun ko napatunayan na hindi infatuation or crush lang ang naramdaman ko for her kasi it really hurt so much. This is something na di ko pinagsisisihan na nagawa ko.
After a decade and a half, we're still friends though I didn't see her na for the past 3 years. I heard may bf na sya...her very 1st bf! I'm so happy for her. Ang alam lang ni hubby, she's just one of my best friends. Hay, kung alam lang nya.
Sorry for the long read. Take note, may Girl # 2 pa. Haha!
