Need your opinion, please..A widower's challenge with her in-laws..

[smashingalou]

Hi Everyone,

I've been a reader of girltalk forums for a long time but I never started a forum. Just now na something is really bothering me talaga. Hope you can enlighten me with your opinions.

Actually, medyo mahaba ang istorya but I'll try to make it short. I am a 29 yr old widower with a 2 year old son. My husband died a year ago due to cancer. We were living with my in-laws since I gave birth to our baby and because ayaw ng husband ko pa-alaga sa yaya son namin as they have home-based business naman and since my in-laws are still considered young grandparents. So there we go, the "art of pakikisama" started (iba pa din kc pag kasama mo permanently sa bahay ang mga in-laws mo di ba? Unlike when you are just bf-gf when you just occasionally visit the family), may mga misunderstandings sa bahay with the in-laws but you know that with your husband by your side, malulusutan naman. Until that fateful day that my husband was diagnosed with liver cancer and worst, he was diagnosed when it was already stage 4. It was a really traumatic day kc what we thought was a usual back pain was a sign of cancer spreading na pala on his body. And what's worst is that the day na nalaman namin is tinaningan na siya ng 2-3 months. His spinal cord is little by little eaten na by cancer cells so his ability to walk and move freely was affected.So dun na talaga nagstart challenge for me as a wife and as mom of a 1 yr old. This is the first time I've known someone close who had cancer and worse husband ko pa. I can go on with my experience in battling cancer with him but It will really be a long story so I'll just cut off where I would really need your opinion.

You see po, cancer can drain you, emotionally, spiritually and financially. And the thing is my husband's family are really not that well off, so nung time na sunod sunod na  gastos for hospitalization, medication and other stuff, ako talaga  gumagawa ng paraan para makahanap ng resources financially. I did not stop working kc kailangan talga and at the same time I'm taking care of my husband and my son with help from my in-laws. So there we go, financially po talaga, ako nagburden sa gastos kaya lang after all the fights, we lost our battle. My husband succumbed to cancer last March 29, 2011 and joined our creator. I stayed in my in-laws house until the pa-siyam of my husband then decided to go back to my mom's house since my room naman ako dun that my son and I can use. And for me kc, if I stayed sa house where my husband and I shared almost everything, madedepressed ako ng sobra.

I don't know how it started but since I'm busy working to pay off all my debts na nautang ko during my husband's sick days, I was not able to regularly visit my in-laws and truthfully kc everytime I see the house, sumisikip dibdib ko dahil i'm just remembering everything. Then one time (4mos after my husband's death), nagtext sister-in-law ko na hihiramin daw nila  son ko kc may family reunion. Parang it stabbed me, kc son ko lang iniimbitahan nila and i'm left out. Kc di ba if it's a family reunion, I should still be included, after all I'm their son and brother's wife, tama po ba? Then puro ganun na po  way ng pagtext nila, na puro son ko lang  iniimbitahan and sometimes, they assumed na papayag na ako na hindi man lang nila tinatanong kung ok lang ba. Like sabihin nila na ihanda na lang daw  gamit ng son ko at hindi na nila ako mahihintay pag-uwi ng work.Then the finale was nung pa-1 year death anniversary ng husband ko, ang sabi nila sunduin na lang nila  son ko para macelebrate sa bahay death anniversary. Ang point ko po kc dun is hindi ba dapat they should at least asked me if I have any plans for his death anniversary pero instead, son ko lang inimbite nila ulit and again I was left out.

In the end, I'm feeling confused and truthfully bad kung bakit ganun sila. As far as I know, I did everything to save their son and to make sure na  last days ng husband ko sa earth will be a comfortable one. Puyat, pagod emotionally and I can't even explain lahat ng hirap ko pero now I feel na they're leaving me out of their family. Please help me. I'm not sure if telling them how I feel will make the matters sorted or worse.Will really appreciate your opinion.

[wengerts]

Have a heart to heart talk with them. Looks like misunderstanding lang naman. Baka iba interpretation nila sa sudden absence ninyo. Of course mahuhurt sila kasi feeling nila nilalayo mo yung apo nila sa kanila. Di pa huli to set things straight with them. They will always be your son's grandparents di ba

Good luck sis!

[chefron]

smashingalou, on your part you felt that theyre neglecting you and would just want to see your son?
for the sake of being civil some in laws are like that kase feeling nila eh they dont want to oblige you to be part of their life anymore since you lost the connection already..now for the grandchild, maybe they just miss him a lot and thats the only thing that can remind them of their son.

[tanya1109]

Hi sis. First of all I feel sorry for your lost. My deepest condolences. I can't imagine myself going thru the same situation, baka maloka ako. Dagdagan pa ng problem mo with your IL's. For me sis its better if you talk to them, sabihin mo lahat ng hinanaing mo sa kanila,make it brief and tell them how you feel., just be careful with your words kasi baka maging cause ng misunderstanding. I agree with sis wengerts na miscommunication yan, kasi sa experience ko with my MIL nung time na we decided na lumipat sa ibang house at medyo malayo sa kanila lagi nyang kinakantahan si baby ko ng "lalayasan na ko ni tanya (name ni baby).."so feeling nya nilalayo namin ang apo nya sa kanya. Although hindi ko kilala ang mga IL's mo sis, hindi ko alam kung ano ugali nila ang payo ko lang is to do your part.,at kapag hindi parin effective maybe its time na pairalin mo na yung pagiging mommy mo sa kid mo. You can always say NO kapag gusto nila hiramin si baby to show them na nasayo pa rin ang authority/decision. If they are not willing to treat you as part of their family they must atleast respect you as the mother of their grandchild.

[aquacharly]

You are all in grief, so give each other a lot of understanding.

Baka na mis-interpret ka sa pag alis mo agad after your husband's death;  and then, hindi ka pa nagpakita for 4  months.  Kelangan sila pa tumawag.  Hindi siguro sa ayaw ka na isama but yun interpretation nila: ayaw mo na sumama sa kanila for whatever.

Make the first move to bridge the gap, do not delay.  Reach out to your SIL or MIL, open up how it has been emotionlly hard for you since then...but you just have to keep going.  Your son will benefit from good relations with your inlaws, so  make the effort.   Keep in mind na hindi kayo mag-kaaway;  lahat kayo share the pain of losing a loved one.   Hwag mo na balikbalikan yung mga disgusto nyo noong nakaraan. Past is past.

[midnight]

My deepest condolences, first of all.

Sis, nung umalis ka ba sa house ng IL's mo, did you explain to them why you were moving? Kasi if not, and talagang maski hi-hello eh hinde mo nagawa for 4 months after your husband's death, it would be very easy to misinterpret your silence and aloofness to them. Sa utak siguro nila, you want to move on na, maybe kalimutan na ang memory ng anak nila. You're 29, bata pa... pwede pang humanap ng iba... you get my drift?

As our other sisters adviced, ikaw na mag first move. And don't be oversensitive. Sabihin mo na pupunta kayo ng apo nila sa 1st death anniv ng son nila. You really don't need an invitation, ikaw na magpresenta. Goodluck sis.

[black_star13]

Sis, pareho tayo ng pinagdaanan, my husband passed away 7 years ago, that time 2 months old pa lang baby namin and I'm 22 years old naman, ganun din, after nya ilibing nag stay pa kami ng son ko for 3 days sa in laws ko then nagpaalam ako na uuwi kami ng son ko at sa family ko kami titira, not really paalam na hinihingi ko permission nila kung papayag sila or hindi, kasi kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo ikaw pa din masusunod sa anak mo..nandun na tayo sa binibigyan natin sila ng sympathy pero hindi din lang naman sila ang nawalan, tama? Mas worst kasi hinihiram nila yung son ko 1 week per month and he's only 2 months old, imagine that?ganun din, never din ako inimbita, para akong praning, hindi ako makapagtrabaho that time, and yung 1 week na yun madamot pa ang tingin nila sakin, ang gusto na nila ay isang buwan!!!until sunod sunod na yung pagkakasakit ng anak ko, dun na ako umangal syempre, sabi ko pahinga muna anak ko sa byahe, dun na nag start na gawan ako ng kung [textspeak!] anung chismis, na kesyo after a year mag aasawa lang daw ulit ako etc etc...i raised my kid all by myself for 7 years without their help..

> And sis regarding dun sa way ng paghiram nila, yung pinapahanda na lang bigla ang gamit ng bata without asking kung payag ka or hinde, try to refuse sometimes, hindi ka nagdadamot but you're the mom, ikaw ang masusunod sa anak mo.period.