When the love is gone

[Romina]

How do you know if love is gone or if the relationship is just suffering a crisis?

[kaiz]

if you can turn your back na without panghihinayang

[Romina]

It came out of nowhere. Now all we do is argue, yell and be sarcastic to each other. There's no respect. No intimacy. Before I always want to settle issues before going to bed, now, I don't care anymore. Pakiramdam ko ako lang ang nagkukusa, sumusuyo, nagpapakumbaba. Pinagusapan na namin to dati pero paulit ulit parin. I dread going home, I don't want to see him or deal with him. I make up excuses on why I had to be late. I also let him go out with his friends anytime, unlike before that it needs to be planned. When being alone is a more attractive option for your happiness. I know mahal ko sya, pero Hindi na katulad ng dati.

[alinkshel]

Sis pano mo nasabing mahal mo pa kung ganyan na pala situation nyo? You have kids? How long have you been together? Have you had any intense fight/issue before this "feeling"?

Sorry dami kong tanong. Di ko din kasi masagot kung kelan na nga ba lost ang love without some details. Pero sa mga sinabi mo sa ^, parang wala na nga...

[Romina]

We don't have kids and we've been together for 3 years. I love him pero not like before. I hate to admit it but i love him like I love my brother last night, isunbat Nya lahat ng mga Ginawa Nya para sa akin. I told him na akala ko kusa yung mga yun so bakit Nya sinusumbat. Lalo sya nagalit. This afternoon, he picked me up from the Mall since it started raining na, I went for a walk and ended up sa mall. I thank him and he was silent. I asked him if he was hungry, we could stop by mcdonalds or Burger King, no answer. So I shut my mouth nalang and let him drive. Then he was like "Now you're mad!?!" So ako naman, nagtitimpi, sabi ko nalang na lets just go home. From the mall to our house is usually 10 minutes, we got home in about 3 minutes because he was driving like a total *censored*, speeding and overtaking the other cars. I was so scared. I was screaming the whole time. My life was in his hands and all he cared about was this damn emotions. He said I'm like a wall. Sabi ko look at yourself Muna before ako. And that he made me like this. Lagi nalang pag nagkwekwento ako, puro sya ok yeah really. Then ang ending, tatanungin Nya ako what I was talking about, yun pala Hindi nakikinig, busy sa cellphone, sa tablet. and if I was the one who did that to him, our dog ends up quivering in the corner because of fear. He would raised his voice at me like we don't have neighbors.

[aquacharly]

When there is no Respect & no more Kindness, it follows that there is not enough Love to keep the Relationship/Marriage going.

IMO, Love is never lost.  There is always Love, regardless of what's happening Now, as long as there are happy memories.
BUT, Love can go low batt, or even zero batt.  When so little Love is left, or the energy of the Love is continuously low ---  it's time to move on.

About crisis in a relationship. 
A Crisis brings out the best or worst in a person.  Generally, it brings out the best.
But best or worst, there is always a Solution/Resolution/Ending to the Crisis.  No Crisis goes on and on and on.  It screams for an ending/resolution/solution.  So IMO, a Crisis generally does not end relationships/marriages. 

What breaks/ends relationships/marriages is the daily grind that gets on our nerves.
Mga maliliit na bagay/gawa/ugali that grate on us.  The little repetitive irritants that go on and on paulit ulit, that are never resolved.
As the Japanese say: The continuous drop of water on stone has the power to break the stone. 
It is  thus not a Crisis, but a "straw that breaks the camel's back". 

ROMINA, do not confuse boredom with low-batt Love.  Boredom is easier solved than low-batt Love.
Do not confuse your fighting pattern nor communication style (that both need  improvement) with low-batt Love.
If there is still a connection between you, IMO -- work on your relationship.
But if there is only dis-connect, that means 1 of you has already psychologically abandoned the relationship --  best for you 2 to move on... Perhaps.

But see, ROMINA, it is only you who can assess what you can risk & what your soul needs to be happy.
Keep in mind that we are all imperfect people in imperfect relationships looking for perfection. 
Keep in mind that relationships require work --  for after the fireworks die out --  hindi  puedeng  "bahala na si Batman"  sa relationship.  It needs working on to work in the long-run. 

[imbisibol_]

It came out of nowhere.

impossible for it to just appear out of the blue.  analyze brutally and honestly so you can plan your line of attack based on the cause/s. 

He said I'm like a wall. 

he sounds like he still cares. 

no third party.  no physical abuse.  i refuse to believe a marriage can end that way.  try one more time.  try to the hilt.  good luck.

[princessrio]

for me, crisis can still be resolved. love is gone when you have no reason to love and just give up.

baka naman nasa adjustment period pa lang kayo? sabi nga nila..the first few years of marriage are the hardest. kung ngayon, ganyan pa lang ang problema nyo, nasasabi mo na love mo na lang sya as a brother, paano na pag 3 years from now ulit?

also, maybe you guys need some gadget-free time. yung as in kuwentuhan of what happened during the day.

as aquacharly said, work on it. marriage is an everyday work. talk again to your husband. both of you should work. i also agree with imbisibol that your husband still cares. para que na sunduin ka pa nya sa mall.

goodluck! sana maayos nyo yan. 

[budzwhiz]

Sis instead of just blaming him kung bat ka, or kayo nagkaganyan, why don't you look at yourself din? Your mistakes.. Baka may mga nagagawa ka din na hindi mo namamalayan because you're too busy sa pagpupuna sa mga nagawa nya. Do you think you've given enough din sa marriage nyo? Yung ginawa mong pagiintindi, pagsusuyo, pagpapakumbaba, were they enough? IMO hindi dapat kayo nagsusumbatan sa mga nagagawa nyo para sa isa't isa. He said you were like a wall... Then there must be something na hindi mo rin napaparamdam sa kanya. Even if you say sobra na ginawa mo... Has everything of it got through him? Baka communication ang problema nyo..

Goodluck, sana maayos nyo yan.

[mameejhy]

Kumusta ka na @Romina?

[PrincessSarah]

IMO, Love is never lost.  There is always Love, regardless of what's happening Now, as long as there are happy memories.
BUT, Love can go low batt, or even zero batt.  When so little Love is left, or the energy of the Love is continuously low ---  it's time to move on.

Sis, me too. I think low batt na yung love sa marriage ko. I tried talking to him but he's not the type to open up in conversations. So hard when I want so much more in our relationship. I want PASSION, ROMANCE, etc.. Why can't they give it to us? I don't dream of a perfect marriage but I do dream of a happy and simple one. 

[Girltalker2]

^ ang hirap din ano?

kaya sometimes sa courtship stage palang, kelangan mo piliin mabuti yung talagang hanap mo - for example, kung romantic ba sya o hindi?

kasi mahirap yung "na-inlove ka lang" then sya na agad. Dapat kinikilatis mo din ang personality nya, na is it in him to be romantic (kung yun ang hanap mo). Kasi hindi mo naman mababago ang mga tao, lalo na kung lalaki pa or may edad na. Then kung nahanap mo naman, hoping he won't change.

it is always fun at the start. but once you get complacent with each other, what will make you stick together?  it is your common hobbies, interests and compatibility.

[glamorosa_09]

Sis, me too. I think low batt na yung love sa marriage ko. I tried talking to him but he's not the type to open up in conversations. So hard when I want so much more in our relationship. I want PASSION, ROMANCE, etc.. Why can't they give it to us? I don't dream of a perfect marriage but I do dream of a happy and simple one.

It's really hard when your emotional needs as a wife are not being met, especially if it's only your husband who can fill that need.

Was he really the type of person who doesn't open up in conversations even to people he's really close with? If so, pano naging kayo kung di kayo nagkukwentuhan dati?

O baka naman something happened, like you blurted out something (once or repeatedly) that hurt him so bad, and that caused him to put an emotional wall between you?  Just wondering lang...

[mameejhy]

Sis, me too. I think low batt na yung love sa marriage ko. I tried talking to him but he's not the type to open up in conversations. So hard when I want so much more in our relationship. I want PASSION, ROMANCE, etc.. Why can't they give it to us? I don't dream of a perfect marriage but I do dream of a happy and simple one. 

Mine doesn't open up in conversations as well. We don't have conversations before sleeping. Yun naman ang hinahanap ko, yun simple chit chats when we are at home. We do nightly prayers with the kids, after that we'll go to our room, brush our teeth and go to bed. Kapag gusto nya makipag lovemaking, i-backrub nya ako or lalambingin nya ako pero kapag ayaw nya naman eh natutulog lang sya. Sinabihan ko na nga sya na mas maganda kung ganun sya kahit hindi nya plano makipag lovemaking.

it is always fun at the start. but once you get complacent with each other, what will make you stick together?  it is your common hobbies, interests and compatibility.

I realized that but, it's too late, we already have kids... I know that I'm looking for a partner in life that I could have "conversations" with and not just simple "Kailangan natin bumili ng diapers"

Was he really the type of person who doesn't open up in conversations even to people he's really close with? If so, pano naging kayo kung di kayo nagkukwentuhan dati?

Mine is chatty with colleagues...

[glamorosa_09]

I realized that but, it's too late, we already have kids... I know that I'm looking for a partner in life that I could have "conversations" with and not just simple "Kailangan natin bumili ng diapers"

First, does he have good qualities as a husband and as a father? When he said "Kailangan natin bumili ng diapers," it shows something about him, he's a responsible father and good provider. Oftentimes, we tend to magnify what is lacking with our partners, forgetting that they have good characteristics too.

I suggest that you try to highlight his positive qualities first by letting him know how you appreciate him and how grateful you are about what he's doing for your family. From there, you could lead him to your relationship goals like chitchats every night, or even weekly dates. It makes a big difference to a man when he feels he is appreciated. Why don't you give it a try, it has worked already for a lot of women I encountered online.

Just to share, most of the couples I know have opposite personalities: one is fast-paced the other is laid-back, one is very malambing the other is walang kyeme, one is madaldal the other is tahimikin. And even in our own marriage too, exactly opposite talaga.

We get attracted to those who are opposite of our personalities. Maganda if partners would learn to balance each other by having willingness to be influenced by the other, and even if you have different hobbies and interests, both of you can join each other on those things.  But influence can only happen if there is an atmosphere of acceptance and respect of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Trying to change someone is unproductive and may cause resentment from the other. But then kung hindi na talaga mababago, then acceptance is the key and just focusing on the positive side of the relationship and your partner.

We can't depend on compatibility alone, we need to do the work of love, otherwise all couples who  will meet difficulties will blame it on incompatibility, which will then lead them to doubt their marriages.

[mameejhy]

I suggest that you try to highlight his positive qualities first by letting him know how you appreciate him and how grateful you are about what he's doing for your family. From there, you could lead him to your relationship goals like chitchats every night, or even weekly dates. It makes a big difference to a man when he feels he is appreciated. Why don't you give it a try, it has worked already for a lot of women I encountered online.

I used to compliment him always, even on his fb wall but I think... Every time I will tell him to go out or talk, he'll just say he's busy (nasa harap ng pc) or he will say there's no time because of the kids.

Saka, napapadalas na yun pagsasabi nya ng mga hindi magagandang salit towards me kaya nawalan na ako ng gana na lambingin sya. Like kapag may nakalimutan ako dalhin sasabihin nya na ang t**** ko, walang common sense. Or sa umaga syempre nauuna sya magbihis kasi pinapaliguan ko kids sa umaga, sasabihan nya ako na lagi na lang ako mabagal kumilos etc

[glamorosa_09]

Aww... that's hard, parang he's only physically present but emotionally absent. Ganyan na sya dati pa, he always dismiss you? Also, when did he start being critical to you?

There are a lot of reasons why he could be like that. Either something has changed in him as an individual (work-related, stressed, or may iba sya, or kung ano pa), ganyang interaction din meron sa family of origin/mother/between his parents nya, or nagkaron kayo ng negative interaction within your marriage. Something to think about, and assuming that you're not a critical person too.

I believe lahat ng behaviors naten may pinanggagalingan.

[cecilydee]

^^sis, have u tried doing a heart to heart talk with him? pag calm siya, try telling him, "when you are stressed I feel so sad when you say bad words to me like "ang t@ng@" or "please try not to rush me when I bathe our kids..its not like I intend to make things slow but I do it for our kids..help me if possible"

Sabi nga sa Bible, "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God" Try this for one week or more (depends on you) and do it willingly: Act as a peacemaker to him...When he say bad word to you, reply with kindness, when he shouts, smile and reply in a kind tone. If your husband's love for you is still there, he will get touched for your sincerity and will realize his mistakes. After he has been shaken, this is the perfect time to talk and let it all out but remember to be calm and avoid too much emotional.

You will sow what you reap/

[angelstandingby]

If you no longer want to spend your future with him.. Go and leave.

[mc21]

..Parang, Gabby, Christine, Alice & Dina   
..Yan ang title ng movie nila