i gave birth to an angel

[haileybaby]

^oo nga sis.. moms na kasi [textspeak!].

super thanks talaga sa inyong lahat. sobrang gumagaan yung loob ko.

[mamapeew]

Nabasa ko itong thread na ito before. My heart goes to all the moms who gave birth to angels.

I never thought I would also post to share in this thread. I didn't give birth to an angel kasi hindi na ako umabot dun. I'm supposed to be 11 to 12 weeks pregnant right now but I just found out yesterday through TVS that my baby has no more cardiac activity and the baby's size corresponds to 10 weeks and 3 days gestation meaning may ilang days na siguro syang walang heartbeat. I never felt anything, no bleeding or spotting so I never suspected that anything was wrong. I have subchorionic hemorrhage so sobrang ingat ako but still my baby didn't survive. Sabi ng OB ko buti na lang na maaga pa lang nakita na wala na kasi mas masakit daw pag lumaki pa sya but, just the same, it is still devastating because I saw our baby's heartbeat on my last 2 TVS. I have been crying since yesterday but I know I'm still lucky I have my first daughter with me. Nafi-feel nya siguro yung pain ko kasi she kept on entertaining me last night. Kwento sya ng kwento na never naman nya ginawa before.

To all the moms who are grieving, I just want to share this:

Daddy please don't look so sad,mommy please don't cry. 
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. 
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. 
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. 
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. 
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. 
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. 
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. 
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. 
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. 
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. 
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. 
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, 
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. 
So daddy don't looks so sad and mommy please don't cry. 
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!

[megansmomma]

^more of a heart wrenching, hugs to you sis.. the baby is your angel now! god bless!

[ivyn]

hugs to all of you sisses. i'm always crying whenever i read all your posts in this topic, God always plan the best for us, everything has a purpose. keep on believing. God bless you all.

[redgirln]

same here whenever I read posts from this thread, naiiyak din ako.. I feel for all the sisses here. I also lost my 1st baby at 10weeks kasi walang heart beat, until now hinde pa kami nagkakababy pero minsan naiisip ko thankful parin kasi kahit paano naransan ko ang feeling ng buntis, ang sarap at hirap ng paglilihi. I miss my baby so much... sana 10 mos old na siya ngayon.

[Englemamma]

Hi  fab_mom I'm so glad that you were able to have a ceremony & got some lovely photos of your precious child. It really helps for the grieving process. Its nice to have him by your side too. Just visited Isabel grave today, it's autumn now so the flowers I planted on her grave are dying. I need to put an autumn flower. If you see my FB page you will see her pictures & the grave . I'll wait for your pm.

Sis haileybaby I'm so heartbroken that they didn't even let you hold your baby. Kailangan talaga ma raise ang awareness ng ating mga health personnel pagdating sa bereavement. Did they even give you a medicine to induce your labor. Meron akong tablet na inimom the moment we learned that Isabel is already dead in my womb. Sabi nila it will reverse my pregnancy & induce labor, 2 days after lumabas na si Isabel. As sis fab_mom said, andito Lang kaming mga angel mother na katulad mo. We are here to listen. It helps to tell the story over & over again. Nakakagaan ng loob kapag you are free to talk about your angel. If it helps you can check in FB the group "Parents of stillborn" also the group of angelmommies FB page "still standing". You will find there that there are Lots of bereaved mummies all over the world. Hindi ka nag-Iisa Sis!

Sis redgirin & Sis mamapeew im really really sorry for your loss. A pregnancy loss is a loss no matter how far you are in the pregnancy. Grief doesn't have any limit or standards. Death doesn't care if you are one day old or 100years old or a 5week old fetus. In our case, the moment we saw that 2lines in our pregnancy test we are already looking at life. We are already in LOVE & we love our babies no matter how big they are in our wombs.

I've spoken with another angel mom here in Norway and she is grieving as much as I am, when I asked her how far along she was when they saw no heartbeat she said 7weeks and then she burst out crying. I can't help but hug her &. cry with her. Life is so precious even a 7week fetus is already considered a person by his/her Mother. A 5weeks, 7weeks, 10 weeks or 12weeks fetus in the womb is still a baby, it's NOT INSIGNIFICANT! They did existed even for a very short while in our wombs & they felt our motherly love with their beating hearts. They live in our hearts now.

How I wish there is an organization there in the Phil's. To create awareness for bereaved mothers & all about miscarriage, pregnancy loss, stillbirth & infant loss.

[mamapeew]

Thank you, sis englemama. It really helps to share the pain that we've been going through but it is not easy to share in person which is why I am thankful for threads like these. I am known to my friends as a happy person. I do not want them to see me broken like this. I still cry alone, my husband is still not here with me (he's on a business trip) and i only have my 4-year old daughter here to comfort me. It really helps to know that I am not alone.

I am on my way now to the hospital for my D and C.

[Englemamma]

Thank you, sis englemama. It really helps to share the pain that we've been going through but it is not easy to share in person which is why I am thankful for threads like these. I am known to my friends as a happy person. I do not want them to see me broken like this. I still cry alone, my husband is still not here with me (he's on a business trip) and i only have my 4-year old daughter here to comfort me. It really helps to know that I am not alone.

I am on my way now to the hospital for my D and C.

Im so sorry that you have to go through this pain both physical & emotional. I'm sorry that you're  doing it alone without your dear hubby. I hope you have someone with you whom you trust & will take care of you while your husband is away. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve. Share your pain to those whom you trust coz this will help in your grieving process. The pain is still raw & grief will come in waves but trust me time will dampen those waves. The pain of losing our precious babies will not go away but it will take a new form. A form that we can handle.

I pray for a smooth d&c procedure & your fast recovery. Again I say, be kind to yourself.
I'm sorry for you & your husbands loss. Take care of each other.

Love & light

[haileybaby]

sis mamapeew tama si sis englemamma kahit gano pa kaliit yang baby mo, buhay pa rin yung nawala. sa totoo lang naiinis ako kapag may nagsasabi ng ganyan, na ok lang kasi hindi mo sya nakasama, ganun ganun at ok lang yan bata ka pa naman. hindi naman nun mababalik yung baby ko eh, nangyari na din sa akin yan, blighted ovum naman yung akin, gestational sac lang ang meron pero walang baby. na d&c din ako. ilang bwan akong umiiyak nung nangyari yun, nabawasan lang nung nabuntis ulit ako, pero yun nga, kinuha naman sya ni Lord. kaya ngayon sobrang sakit talaga, kasi i'm expecting na magiging family na kami. and may subchirionic hemorage din ako nung 1st tri ko, nawala din naman siguro effective yung bed rest, puro na nga ako bed rest eh, pero ganun pa din nangyari.

sis redgirln, super tama ka, ang sarap ng feeling ng buntis kahit na ang hirap hirap. ang sarap nung may baby sa loob mo, parang ikaw na yung pinakamasaya sa buong mundo.

yup sis englemamma, sana nga magkaron naman ng something para sa mga bereaved parents, ni hindi ko nga nadamitan yung anak ko, sobrang sakit. sana naayusan ko man lang sya. buti pa sa ibang bansa meron nung I lay me down to sleep, na kumukuha ng mga pictures ng stillborn baby kasama yung family. oxytocin lang ang binigay sakin, sa dextrose ko, 12 hrs yun nakasaksak sakin, hindi raw pwedeng tuloy tuloy kasi makakasama kaya ayun, 4 days bago lumabas si baby. sa 12 hrs sa araw araw na nasa labor room ako, para akong baliw. wala akong kasama kundi yung intern lang na nagmomonitor sa contractions, bigla na lang akong umiiyak tapos kakausapin si baby.  meron akong sinalihang group sa fb. Stillborn And Sleeping Babies Support Group. nakakagaan ng loob na meron nito, kasi ayoko naman ng paulit ulit ako sa frend ko ng pagkwento ng paulit ulit. sasama lang loob ko kasi parang they dont want to listen, ayoko naman sa family ko kasi ayokong mag alala sila sakin.

sobrang thank you sa inyong lahat.
hindi ko pa alam kung pano sa undas.. ang daming tao, tapos lahat dun ng makakasabay ko namatayan ng baby. tapos kelan lang. ang hirap hirap.

oo nga pala dinalaw namin sya nung isang araw. at naligaw kami, nakikipaglaro ata si baby ng taguan eh, ang dami na nila dun. sobrang nakakalungkot. nagpromise kami ni bf na dadalawin namin sya every month

[mica30]

Just by reading this subject, I feel so blessed and ungrateful to what God has given me. I gave birth to my baby august 30 2012. After a month I was diagnosed with postpartum depression then turned into psychosis. Talagang depressed ako sa baby ko at ayoko siya alagaan at buong pagbubuntis ko masama loob ko, kasi aksidente akong nabuntis. I was only 19 when i got pregnant. Bago nila ko pinacheck up sa ob-gyn tinangka ko patayin baby ko through words palang naman. Luckily i recovered by the help of my family and my boyfriend. I was treated with antidepressants Ngayon masaya na ako sa baby ko. I feel like i dont deserve to be blessed like this. All of you moms really touched me. Pinarealize niyo sakin na napakaswerte ko pala. Hindi ako nang iingit. Gusto ko magpasalamat sainyo at nashare niyo stores niyo at yun nagpalinaw sakin. I really feel bad about your loss. Pero ganun talaga. Wala ng ibang magagawa kundi tangapin. Katulad ng pagtangap ko sa anak ko.

[mamapeew]

I still cry when i visit this thread. I had my d and c last saturday and everything went fine. Sunday, I asked my husband to take me out kagad sabi ko kahit i-wheelchair nya ako, i just need to go out kasi umiiyak pa rin ako.

It's true sis, haileybaby and englemamma, lahat ng nakabalita sinasabi: at least maliit pa, bata ka pa, gawa na lang ulit. It doesn't ease the pain. Minsan nadadagdagan pa. Iniisip ko na lang lagi that God took our babies kasi mas mahihirapan sila if they lived. Kahit naman ako noon, I was guilty of having that perception: nalaglag ang baby, gawa na lang ulit. I never realized that no matter how early or far you are in your pregnancy, the pain is just the same.

My husband and I talked when he came home after my d and c. I had a feeling that he didn't care and I told him, kasi never mo nakita heartbeat ni baby kaya ka ganyan and I saw the sadness in his eyes. Sabi nya ayaw na rin kasi nya dagdagan yung pain that I've been going through. He said he was guilty too for not being there.

I'm on my way to my OB for follow up check up alone again. Dami ko na namang makikitang preggy mommies and mommies who just gave birth na super happy. *sigh* i'm happy for them but it's really painful for me kaso wala naman akong magagawa.

Sis mica30, you had depression when you were pregnant. What you feel was beyond your control already if you were diagnosed with postpartum depression bordering to psychosis. It's good that you now realize that you are so blessed to have a baby. "A mother is born when the baby is born. The woman exist but not the mother"

[mamapeew]

Btw, i want to unsubscribe to other threads about pregnancy here in GT, i just don't know how. Pano i-stop ang notifications? Ang sakit kasi pagnakikita ko lang yung threads na subscribed ako before. Is there a way?

[prix]

Naiyak ako sa thread na ito mga sis..   Kahapon ko pa to sinimulan na basahin pero hindi ko natapos dahil iniistop ko pagbabasa kapag naiiyak na ko, ayoko kc makita ako dito sa ofc. na umiiyak. Ito yung kinatatakutan ko nung na preggy ako. Every night nag-ppray ako kay God na sana Healthy yung baby sa tyan ko, na sana walang magyaring masama sa kanya sa loob ng tyan ko, na sana mailabas ko sya ng maayos, na wag nyang kukunin kagad yung Angel sa tyan ko, dahil hindi ko alam kung anung mangyayari s akin pag nawala sya. Ang dami dami kong negative na naiisip nung nagbubuntis ako. Thanks God na lang na nailabas ko sya ng maayos, but up to now i always pray to God na sana wag nya pa rin kagad kukunin baby ko dahil mas lalong hindi ko kakayanin dahil nakasama at naalagaan ko na sya. Naging sakitin kasi sya for the past few months kaya sobra sobra ang pag-aalala ko. Bilib ako sa tapang at lakas ng loob nyo mga sis dahil kung ako nasa kalagayan nyo, ewan ko na lang talaga kung ano ang gagawin ko.. A big Hugs to all of you mga sisses.. God Bless..

[haileybaby]

^sis mica. ok lang naman yun kasi depressed ka. at mabuti na rin at kahit pano nakatulong kami sa isang mom na tulad mo, at least ngayon mas ma a appreciate mo yung baby mo!

^sis mamapeew actually mas nakakasakit pag sinasabi nila yun, kasi parang yung dating nawala eh di palitan nalang. syempre iba naman yun kasi kahit magkaron tayo ng baby sa future, hindi na mababaik yung nawala. and sis, pag yung hubby mo umiyak, mas masasaktan ka sobra, kasi nung umiyak yung bf ko at dumating sa point na nagigising ako ng madaling araw at umiiyak sya grabe.. sobrang sakit, hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya, bihira lang syang umiyak eh.

^tnx sis prix

^nga pala narinig nyo na ba yung about kay Our Lasy of La Leche? try ko minsan pumunta dun, medro malayo kasi eh. siguro mag iipon ako pambili kahit nung maliit lang na rebulto nya tapos papa bless ko. para meron ako dito sa bahay.

[Mel0204]

I haven't been in Girltalk for years, in fact I forgot my old password, but I wanted to join in and talk to other moms who lost their babies, so I just set up a new account.

I lost my daughter last July 30, to Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. My husband and I found out about this on my birthday, when we were having a routine ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby. A congenital scan confirmed it in Makati Med, our hospital. I cannot event begin to describe how difficult it was to carry her to term, feeling her kicks, yet knowing we would never see her grow.  We had the best possible team of doctors monitoring her in her last few months before she came out, but we already knew that the chances of her breathing, even for a few minutes were slim. We were grateful that we were given one day to have her baptized, and say goodbye.

I just want to know if there are any support groups out there, here in the Philippines, for mothers who have lost their babies or children? For months I have been searching and searching, but all the sites are International. This is the only online group I've come across so far where mothers share their experiences about their loss, and I was hoping there was a more defined group out there for us.  I would also like to know if there is a support group for parents also who lost their children to congenital problems. It would have been such a big help, to be able to read about the experiences of others here in the Philippines, to have known what to do, how to prepare, where to go, what to expect, who doctors to see, etc.

Please mommies, if you have any information, do post it here, so future moms will know. Thank you!

[fab_mom03]

Hi moms, forgive me if I haven't been here like I promised. It was a tough month for me, lalo na dumaan ang first birthday and first angelversary (death anniversary) ni baby. Plus I am also dealing with some personal stuff. To all new moms of angels, I am deeply sorry for your losses. 

Sis Mamapeew, I am so sorry. I think we were both on the other thread and was so shocked when I backread the posts there. Ang hirap talaga dito sa Pinas kala nila pag nag-miscarry ka, hindi mo na dapat i-grieve, gawa nalang ulit. I dont think so. "A person is a person no matter how small" nga daw diba? They told me the same thing over and over. Bata pa kayo, gawa na lang ulit. The first few months after my son passed, lagi ko na lang naririnig yun, and I swear to God gusto ko magwala pag sinasabi nila yon!!! I wanted to scream and tell them that another child WILL NOT replace that child that I LOST. I will forever grieve for my baby. I dont care what others think. I am no longer the same person that I was and I will never be the same.

Sis Mel0204, I am so sorry and my heart is breaking for you sis. My son had a congenital heart defect. Like you I spent months trying to find a support group here in the Phil but only found these two, INA (Inang Naulila sa Anak) Foundation by Gina de Venecia and The Compassionate Friends Phil. I tried to contact the latter but I didnt feel the warmth, care or compassion that I needed at that time so I stopped reaching out. I however found a lot of grief support pages on fb, mostly run by people from US or UK and they have helped me and comforted me so much. I also met a lot of moms online of babies with CDH just like your daughter. hth

Sis Englemamma and sis haileybaby,i apologize for the delay, will send my pm now

[Mel0204]

Fab_Mom03, thanks for the reply. I just saw your story on the other page, and I can relate exactly to what you went through. It's the first time I've found someone with a story close to mine that's a Filipina. I'm also a member of online support groups, but most of the parents are from abroad. Wala talaga from here.  I'm honestly wondering when it gets better, because it's been 4 months and I'm still up and down. I've taken up blogging about my experience, hoping that it helps others who may go through the same things in the future, while helping myself sort out the feelings as well. But sana talaga may maayos na support group, even just online.

[haileybaby]

mga mommies.. umiiyak na naman ako ngayon. mag 4 months na pero habang tumtagal mas lalo akong nahihirapan. palagi kong naiisip na dapat ngayon may stroller akong tinutulak habang palakad lakad sa labas. may baby na umiiyak dito sa bahay, sobrang sakit.. nung undas akala ko hindi ako iiyak pero nung malapit na kaming umuwi hindi ko napigilan. gusto kong makasama si baby.. sobrang naiinggit ako sa mga mommies na kasama nila yung anak nila. at naiinis naman ako dun sa mga nanay na pinapabayaan nila yung mga anak nila. hayys..

Sis Mel0204.  wala talagang support group dito sa philippines para sa mga tulad natin.. sana isa sa atin dito ay willing gumawa para naman makapag share tayo at makatulong na rin at the same time. may group ako sa fb pero ayun nga abroad sya. at ang dami nyang member, support group sya at malaki yung natutulong nya sakin. sana ma meet natin ng personal yung mga katulad din natin.

sis fabmom03 ok lang yun sis. inadd n nga pla kita.

[mamapeew]

Everytime I visit this thread, I always cry.


I'm sorry for your loss sis Mel0204. I agree that we should have support groups for moms who've lost their kids. It's easier to cope with pain when you know that you're not the only one going through it. I admit it's not easy to talk about things like these with friends especially if they never went through the same thing as you did. That's why I'm thankful for threads like these. Somehow I feel like I have someone to talk to even though I haven't met any of the other sisses here.

Sis fab_mom03, oo nga i was on the other thread. Yun yung thread na gusto ko sana tanggalin sa subscription list ko kasi everytime i see it, it reminded me of my loss. Buti na nga lang mabilis na-close kasi nag 30 pages na pala. Sorry, i'm happy for the expectant moms there (happy for all of you) pero nasasktan kasi ako when i see the title pa lang.

Sis haileybaby, i cried din nung undas. Pinipigilan ko kaso fresh din kasi yung pagkawala ng mom ko. Dun ko sinama what's left of my baby. Binigay siya sa akin ng ob nung niraspa ako. I don't know where to put her (or him) so sinama ko sya sa mom ko. Everytime i visit them tumutulo talaga luha ko. I pray for your healing and the healing of other moms here too.

[femmy_steff]

lagi lang ako nagbabasa dito pero hindi ko narin matiis kasi wala din ako ibang mapagsabihan ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. last sept 20 i found out i was preggy. super happy kami finally after 9 years of waiting preggy na ko. at yung both parents namin sobrang happy din dahil first apo sana both sides. i was 7 weeks when we found out na ectopic sya. sobrang sakit kasi tagal namin hinintay. nasa clinic ako ni ob maluha luha na ko pero napigilan ko pagdating sa bahay yun na inilabas ko na talaga ang sakit. wala ko magawa hindi ko din masisi sarili ko kasi alam ko inalagaan ko talaga si baby. the next day ob gave me methotrexate shot para hindi na magtuloy ang development ni baby. ang hirap kasi alam ko unti unting pinapatay ang baby ko. after a week i went back to my ob for ultrasound to check kung nadissolve na si baby. and to our surprise, instead lumiit or madissolve, lumaki pa si baby at sabi ni ob live na daw. kaya on that day she gave me another shot of metho. after 3 days u/s ulit to check, ayun lumaki na naman si baby. nagtataka nga ob ko kasi ngaun lang daw nya naexperience yung case ko kasi [textspeak!] iba sa first shot palang nadidisolve na at kusa ng lumalabas. yung sakin lalo pang lumalaki. kaya on that same day i had my laparotomy. my left tube was removed together with my baby. ob told me na wala sya makitang cause ng ectopic kasi ang ganda daw ng both tubes ko, and to think yung ectopic ko nasa corner na ng uterus at dulo ng ftube. pati sya nanghihinayang. pero buti nalang daw hindi. nagrupture kasi delikado daw maaapektuhan ang uterus ko pag nagrupture. pinakita pa sakin yung tube then nasa dulo ng tube yung baby ko malaki narin sya kasi 8 weeks 5 days na sya nun. super sakit na makita mong wala na sa tummy mo ang baby mo at alam mong hindi mo na sya makakasama. mag 1 month na after my cs operation pero everyday parin naiisip ko ang baby ko. everyday binabasa ko parin yung thread na sinalihan ko nung preggy ako. naiinggit ako sana 12 weeks na ako ngayon at may baby bump na. hindi ko naman masabi sa hubby ko na everyday ganito nararamdaman ko kasi gusto nya magmove na daw ako. lalo na sabi ng ob na malaki pa ang chance na mabuntis ulit ako madanda daw kasi yung nAtirang tube ko. at anytime pwede naman na daw kami ulit magttc. pano daw kami magttc ulit sabi ni hubby kung hindi pa ko nakakamove on. gustong gusto ko na ulit talaga mabuntis kahit sabi ng parents namin wag muna daw hintay kami ng mga 3-4 months para magheal muna daw. im praying na bago matapos ang 2012 mabuntis ulit ako. kasi ang sakit every month naiisip ko na sana malaki na tummy at baby ko, at yung edd ko pag dumating na un ano kaya gagawin ko?