Hubby's jokes

[ninsyninsyspider]

Hi, sisses. I just want to unload my feelings here.

We're not yet married but our set-up is same as married couples na. I don't know if you can consider ours as live-in because he rents a room in our house. So sabay na kami in everything and I can relate to almost everything in this forum.

My boyfriend has the habit of pointing out my flaws na pabiro. I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive but if araw araw mo naman marinig sa partner mo yun, nakakasama na ng loob. For example, he calls me mataba. I gained weight but not naman mataba. When I sent him a selfie nung Christmas party namin, he commented on how I smile (not a good one though), he says na nung bago kami ang puti puti ko but hindi na bumalik kulay ko after our beach trips, kulang pa ako sa domestic skills, and the like.

Mind you, I am the one who prepares his bfast and then I also wash his dishes after. I don't eat breakfast at home so siya lang talaga pinaghahandaan ko. I do my make-up and blow-dru my hair in between. Same din pag sa house kami nagddinner, but I sometimes make him wash the dishes after.

Parang nakakasama kasi ng loob every single day na ginagawa niya yun, I feel na hindi man lang niya ako na-aappreciate. Pati pala sa kasal, he mentions to everyone na magpapakasal na kami pero pag kami mag usap, madami pa "kami" individual goals like mag aral, etc. tapos ibabato sa akin na hindi pa ako ready. Parang siya lang tama and seriously, I feel like his yaya.

Kung gaano ako ka-spoiled dito sa bahay, kabaliktaran naman when I'm with him.

[glamorosa_09]

Hi TS,

I see na nakakahurt yung mga jokes nya sa iyo. How does he affect your self-esteem and self-confidence?

So in your house, you are treated very well. Your family`s treatment on you is possibly giving you a good sense of self. But when it comes to your boyfriend, it seems like the opposite.  It`s not just about the treatment, but how their treatment makes you feel about yourself.

Para sa akin this is a red flag. But I may be wrong with my impression. I think mababaw pa lang yung pinapakita nya sayo ngayon, since you`re not yet married and you`re not financially dependent on him. I suggest that you look for signs of an emotional abuser (whoah!). And start from there on how do you want to go about it. Hypothesis lang yan, and I do hope that you would think sharply, that you would use your mind and not just your heart.

I know that you`re just venting out, and to hear the word abuse is the last thing that you`re expecting to hear. I`m not saying I`m right. But there`s nothing to lose naman if you`ll consider it. You don`t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will make you feel like a trash. Because, again, my hypothesis is that he`s just being mild at this stage of your relationship.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[khaleesiCersei]

Sis. If his jokes are hurting you tell him. Or kung gusto mo, give him a dose of his own medicine. Pintasan mo din siya ng  pabiro, at pag pikon siya sabihin mo eh bakit pag ikaw nanlalait enjoy na enjoy ka?

Bawasan mo ang pag asikaso sa kanya. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na pag hindi mo siya asikasuhin eh hindi mo siya mahal. Pakita mo na lang sa ibang way ang love and affection mo. Kasi sis based sa kwento mo parang nagkakaron ka na ng resentment eh kasi parang subconsciously eh hindi ka masaya sa ginagawa mo.

So siguro just mirror what he does to you. Pano ba niya pinapakita syo na mahal ka niya? Is it more on words or lambing?Gayahin mo na lang siya para fair na lang kayo at para hindi mo ma feel na parang ikaw lang mas gumagawa.

Kung feel mo sis na 70% lang ang pinapakita niyang love syo sis, 70% lang din ang isukli mo. Walang labis, walang kulang. Yan ang natutunan ko sa pag ibig hehe. Minsan kasi tayong mga babae kung magmahal sobra sobra, kadalasan kasi akala natin na if we do more, makikita nila at maappreciate nila yun, para bang enjoy na enjoy tayong magpakatanga sa lalaki tapos ineexpect pa natin na lalo tayong mamahalin dahil nagpapapakatanga tayo. Ewan ko ba kung bakit haha tapos pag opposite ang nangyari sa ineexpect natin eh naguguho ang mundo natin kasi wala na natitira satin. So yun sis magtira para sa sarili, bawasan ang yaya mode and love yourself more. You'll be surprised how things will turn around pag inuna mo sarili mo.

[junetwentythree]

I remember your thread from last year about how your boyfriend has extreme personality changes and just snaps at a moment's notice. Is this the same guy?

Cuz if you so, you're still with this a**hole?

If you are indeed still with this guy, then I don't want to waste anymore valuable internet time since you don't seem to heed good advice. But there's 2 really good ones posted before me.

[ninsyninsyspider]

Thanks, sisses. Dependency wise, I feel naman na mas dependent siya sa akin. Well, baka more on spoiled and ako yung mas ma-diskarte sa life. Sabi ko nga sa friends ko, I feel that I can move mountains for him. Pero siya, while I feel the love naman, kulang sa diskarte sa buhay. For example, ako may options A-D, pag hindi nagwork si A lipat na agad sa B and so on. Pero siya will try option A again.

It doesn't hurt my self esteem with other people, pero makes me question nga his actions. I tried telling him, ang sagot niya dapat di ako napipikon kasi kami na magkasama ng matagal and kilala ko na siya. If kilala ko siya, di ako mapipikon. Sabi ko, if kilala niya ako, hindi niya yun gagawin. Ending sabi niya baka hindi niya din ako kilala. Wtf.

Re emotional abuse, graduate na kami dyan. And I must say, bumait na siya sa lagay na to. And if hindi naman ako gumalaw to prepare our meals, malilipasan nalang kami ng gutom.

Given naman that he loves me. I can feel that. Minsan nga ako na yung cold and hindi sweet dahil sa pikon ko. He is almost always with me. Major thing for him that he moved sa house namin, pero for me more on mas convenient kasi dito budget and all. Different priorities and values, maybe?

[ninsyninsyspider]

Sis junetwentythree, yes we're still together. Don't be mad at me heehee. Na overcome na namin his extreme personality, almost hindi na nga siya nagagalit sa akin. Well, come to think of it ako na ang palaging galit/ inis sa kanya!

To be fair, bumait na siya. But this one naman ang new issue ko!

[quinone]

i don't know how to say this gently pero honestly, i think foretaste yan ng pwede mong maging buhay kapag kasal na kayo.

[Antigone]

Agree with quinone. Mahirap makisama sa ganyan ugali habang buhay.

[junetwentythree]

Sis junetwentythree, yes we're still together. Don't be mad at me heehee. Na overcome na namin his extreme personality, almost hindi na nga siya nagagalit sa akin. Well, come to think of it ako na ang palaging galit/ inis sa kanya!

To be fair, bumait na siya. But this one naman ang new issue ko!

It's weird because this is the trend that your other thread went too. You complained about him, then ended up defending him. I really don't think you're about to listen to any advice given here. But that's your prerogative.

FYI, the above behavior are classic signs of someone who's in an abusive relationship.

[rowan]

ninsyninsyspider

im quite bothered with his answers when you talked to him about it. so ayaw niya magbago even though it makes you question his qctions? it seems he is belittling your concerns. non negotiable at ikakasira ba ng pagkatao niya kung titigil siya sa pang aasar sayo? matagal na kayo magkasama right, so dapat you know na how to compromise. you both have to adjust to accommodate one another in your lives. if you feel that you are already making excuses for him, medyo mag isip isip ka na.

[imbisibol_]

..and you're still with him because?

[amethyst028]

@TS did you tell him all your concerns? if he doesn't want to change then ask yourself kung kaya mo makasama ang ganitong klase ng tao for the rest of your life. don't lose yourself trying to be in a relationship coz one day you will realize hindi mo na kilala ang sarili mo. you are your number one priority so look out for yourself because no one will do it for you.

[ninsyninsyspider]

I'm still with him because I love him. Pero yeah, nakakapagod na din.

I did raise this concern with him. Binilangan ko din how many times niya ako lalaitin and he stopped. And lately mas may effort siya and lambing. What I realized after your posts is that kelangan i-voice out with conviction any concerns. Yung level na maaalarm siya.

I don't know until when siya mabait or kung may iba nanaman issue na lalabas, hopefully none. Thanks, sisses!!

[glamorosa_09]

 I was reading the other thread and saw this:

The first thing he did when he woke up was to reach me for a kiss
He held my hand on our way to work, from QC to Makati
He was making lambing to me all the time
He said I love you countless times, quota na umaga palang
He said thank you for staying with him for four years (we're turning 4 this saturday) ❤️

Sorry if I`ll be spoiling one of your sharings. I know these things that he does make you happy. But just so you know, usually, part ng abusive cycle ang sweet and loving stage where you feel so loved, special, and important. This is when hope for a better relationship blooms. Without this spice in your relationship, matagal mo na sya siguro iniwan kung puro panlalait at pangit na ugali lang ang pinakapakita nya sayo. Apparently, he knows your kiliti.

I noticed that those women who finally leave their abusive partners are those who have reached their rock bottom, and having nowhere to go, they bounced up. But it took them many years of pain and struggle and self-doubts. Dami na nilang ginawa: kumain ng apoy, bumitin ng patiwarik, maglakad sa sinulid, all to make their relationships work. Magbabago nga panandalian, pero generally ganun pa rin ikot ng relationship nila. Nobody warned them in the beginning in the first place. But I`m not sure nga rin talaga kung makikinig nga rin ba sila at the start kung sakali, lalo na they were very in love and hopeful back then. Siguro ganun talaga, one waits to reach her rock bottom in order for her to make a radical change in her life. But in fairness to them, they came out stronger and wiser in the end.

Pero para sayo, you`re not yet married. Marami nang nag warn sayo. So it`s really your call now. I`d like to believe that somehow a seed of doubt was planted in you. And whether it will grow or not, only time will tell.

Experience is a persistent teacher, it never tires on repeating the same lesson over and over until you finally get it, or if you'll really get it at all.

[simang]

I did raise this concern with him. Binilangan ko din how many times niya ako lalaitin and he stopped. And lately mas may effort siya and lambing. What I realized after your posts is that kelangan i-voice out with conviction any concerns. Yung level na maaalarm siya.

But does it always have to be that way? Na kelangan mo pa sya i-alarm para bumawi sya? If you do end up with him, imagine how your life will be in the future... He'd tease you and joke about you, you'd get hurt and raise your concern, babawi sya, and when he's all sweet again, pwede na naman nya saktan ego mo. Can you really live with that? For me ha, you have to take your relationship as it is NOW, not the potential of him being patient, or para sa hope na sana mabait na sya sayo. Also, healthy relationships should be convenient to both parties. Sure, it's not always rainbows and butterflies but if you feel na ikaw ang dehado everytime, and that he doesn't even consider compromising, then something is very wrong.

[stormy]

Mukhang hindi ninyo pa "na-overcome" yung "extreme personality" nya, akala mo lang. Passive aggressive na nga lang kaya hindi masyadong lutang pero ayan na nga ikaw na ang madalas galit o inis sa kanya. Pati nga title ng thread mo na tungkol sa jokes ay isang usual na passive agressive behavior, mapang-insultong biro.

[Priceless]

"At your absolute best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you'll still be worth it to the right person"

Maybe swerte sya sayo dahil mahaba ang pasensya mo at pinalalampas mo ang lahat ng psychosis nya. Pero gano katagal mo balak kayanin yan?

[aquacharly]

IMO, based on your cuento  -- both of you are not yet ready for marriage.  Both of you need to mature more.

If you were my sister, I would advise you to spread your wings.  See how far you can go, see how much more you can dare, and there get to know yourself better.  If my sister were to marry this guy, say  ko:    Wala na bang iba? Pano mo alam wala ng iba?  You will just "settle" & not try to get better?