Advise on how to deal with emotionally unstable/prodigal Daughter

[cheepee]

Hi Sissies,

I am an OFW mom as well with my hubby living here in PNG for 4 years going 5. Our kids are currently in the Philippines ages 15 and 7.

Right now our dilemma is mejo rebelde na yung panganay. Although we do visit them atleast 2 or 3x a year iba pa din pala kapag wala ka sa tabi nila while growing up. 2 years ago, our daughter came out saying she's a lesbian. We honestly don't care if that is her gender preference and all but the thing is, the relationship she have greatly affects her studies and her social life.

She got kicked out last school year sa school niya because of this dahil immoral daw ang pakikipagrelasyon sa parehong gender (she's from a catholic school). We were forced to look for another school at buti na lang ay tinanggap sha ng isang school looking past her grades in conduct - binigyan kasi sha 70 dito.

She was living before with my Sister in Law but since sobra na nga tong nahuhumaling sa karelasyon nya, madalas silang mag away ni SIL and then eventually she moved back to our house and living with my mother while we were working abroad. Sobrang laki ng pagbabago sa kanya and everytime naman na kakausapin ko sha she would always say she's ok. I read a post here nagsuicide yung daughter nia and I fear na baka eto din ang kaharapin namin in the future. She accidentally logged to her twitter account using my phone and forgot to log out kaya naaaccess ko pa din to dito and very disturbing yung mga posts nia. Her gf also committed suicide when her parents tried to break her relationship with my daughter and now i see slash marks on my daughter wrist everytime they would fight. Medyo seloso kasi silang pareho and they always fight.

I don't know what else I can do. My daughter would always say na favorite daw namin yung bunso and neglected daw sha pero that is really not the case. Hay, I am so confused at di ko na alam kung anong gagawin. Do you thin kelangan na namin sha patingnan sa psychiatrist or psychologist?

Sa mga mommies na may daughters, I seriously need an advise

[aquacharly]

If her gf committed suicide, that a very big red flag na.  Have her see a psychiatrist.  You and your husband need to go too.   

For young adults/teens:   Dr. SOPHIE SIM BATE.   

[langley]

^ms. cheepee I think you need to go back to the Philippines to be with your daughter.

Tama ka iba pa din talaga pag nandiyan ang mga magulang na gagabay sa mga anak. No amount of money can replace the love, time and care that the parent gives to their child.

I also grew up without parents. Mom died when I was 11 years old dad left me and my younger sis to the care of my relatives. Nun teenager ako lagi ako naghahanap ng pagmamahal at pang-unawa. We were left on our own devices, walang gumagabay samin kaya ang dami kong maling desisyon na nagawa nun time na 'yon. Eventually I found love through having boyfriends. I found happiness through "barkada" who influenced me to drink and party. Ganon din ang sister ko. And ending me and my sis got pregnant early and out of wedlock. I eventually married the man who got me pregnant pero yun sister ko naging single mom.

Kung hindi ko siguro natagpuan si Lord na nagbago ng buhay ko baka sira pa din ang buhay ko ngayon.

So sis your daughter need you.

[glamorosa_09]

Hi Cheepee,

So 15 years old and 7 years old yung anak niyo ngayon. That means they were 10 and 2 when you left them to live with your sister in law. They're too young to be without both parents. Are the discipline and love provided by the guardians enough for their optimal development? Also, are your presence and your husband's strongly felt by your kids?

At 15, very strong ang peer influence dyan, since their attachment revolves around peers. Also, adolescence is a very stormy stage, emotionally intense at willful kadalasan yung mga yan due to psychological and biological changes happening to them. It is at this stage na kailangan ng talagang gagabay sa kanila. There are kids who cope well in the absence of parents, but with your daughter, mukhang naliligaw sya.

I think kailangan niyong mag-usap ng husband mo, straigthen out your priorities. Ano bang mahalaga sa inyo ngayon? Palagi kayong magkasama at sagana sa materyal at pinansyal pero naliligaw ng landas ang anak niyo? O magsasakripisyo kayo para may kahit isa sa inyo na gumagabay sa anak niyo? Choice nyo naman yan eh.

You were asking about psychologist or psychiatrist, kung ite-therapy/counsel yung anak niyo eh probably ang root cause ng behavioral and emotional problems nya ay nanggagaling din sa family. Yung overt problems ng daugther nyo, could be a sign na may problem sa dynamics ng family niyo. Could be lang.

Availing for a professional service is helpful, pero family counseling/therapy is said to be better than individual counseling when it comes to difficult problems with youth. A child/teen therapist can only do so much, in the end malaki pa rin yung role na ginagampanan ng magulang at ng family.

The most convenient option would be to find a professional who would give therapy/counselling invidually. But for me, family counseling is the way to go, dahil hindi lang issue ng daugther niyo yung iaaddress, kundi pati na rin dynamics ng family niyo as a whole.

[insanelypurpleprincess]

Sis cheepee, I am no mother here, but you have to consider all options available. Like, how possible is it for you or your husband to come home to be with the kids? Kahit na just one of the two. Now, if coming home is not an option, can you take both kids to PNG instead (though I am not very hot about the idea because I also know how crazy it gets in PNG). Another question is... how sure are we that her gender preference is really what it is or is this her way of saying that she needs you to be with her as her parents. You may think na bakit ang unfair since this set-up works okay for some families, but it doesn't with you. That's how it is. Every familybis different kasi. Best of luck!!!

[brandi]

IMO, ok lang to leave kids in their toddler and school age years but never the adolescent years kasi diyan malakas ang peer pressure and for me, for me lang naman, this is the vital stage kasi ang daming influences sa stage na ito. Vyou may now conclude sis, that visits are not enough. Your children esp your oldest needs guidance.

[cheepee]

hi mga sissie! sorry it took me a while to reply to my own post kasi di pala pede magreply sa own post ang mga probitionary...nakakaloka..hehe

Anyway, thank you all for the advises and input regarding my issue. My husband and I actually discussed this and eto ang mga napag usapan namen.

1. We cannot bring the kids here for good - this is because of the security threat and the nature of work ng husband ko. Although may mga families dito na kasama ang mga kids nila, hindi to applicable sa amin dahil nga medyo risky ang trabaho ni hubby. Our kids will be very prone to kidnapping. Even myself do not go out alone not unless I am with my husband or close friends.

2. One of us will definitely have to go back home - at ako yun. Aside from me being the mother, mas malaki ang income ni hubby kumpara saken. One thing is for sure, we cannot go back together as 1 still needs to support our needs. Medyo malaki na ang gastos especially na both kids are studying in an International School.

The only problem is this - I cannot leave my current company yet without me paying for roughly 150k  because of the visa processing and all. I know that priority is still my kids kaya lang nasa stage kaming mag asawa na nagpupundar pa lang ang etong perang ito ay napakalaking chunk sa aming savings both for the schooling ng mga bata and house construction.

Right now, it is a good thing that we can go back atleast 3x a year or we can bring them here during summer vacation. Un na lang muna siguro ang kailangan ko ipaintindi sa daughter ko that we will do our best na maipakita na we can be there even we're far.

@sis aquacharly - san ang clinic ni Dra. Bate? We will be paying her a visit pag uwi ko. eto na lang muna siguro para atleast may tumulong sa amin na ipaliwanag ang mga bagay na di namen maipaliwag ng maayos sa kanya.

[Girltalker2]

^ms. cheepee I think you need to go back to the Philippines to be with your daughter.

Tama ka iba pa din talaga pag nandiyan ang mga magulang na gagabay sa mga anak. No amount of money can replace the love, time and care that the parent gives to their child.

I agree sis.  Your daughter is the same age as mine.  Single mom ako. Never ko binigyan ng puwang where they will feel alone. Kasi nga wala nanga akong asawa na maaasahan, papabayaan ko pa ba ang mga anak ko?  Maybe it would be good to think about whether you should bring your daughter in PNG or ikaw/hubby to go back to Philippines.  No amount of money is worth it when it comes to the future of your kids.

Sad that it is not possible for your kids to go with you there sa PNG.  Pero kung puede naman sila andyan for their summer, baka naman puede kahit 6 months lang?  Mag home schooling nalang sila if necessary.  Or better yet, why not explore another job (si hubby) in a different location na mas conducive for kids to grow up?

Php150k puede iyan i-earn.  Kaya ni hubby bayaran iyan ng installment.  But I think your case is a bit urgent eh. 

Talk to your daughter that you are concerned about a good future. She may want to marry her GF someday at gusto mo maganda ang source of income nila para maayos ang magiging pamumuhay nila. 

IMO, ok lang to leave kids in their toddler and school age years but never the adolescent years kasi diyan malakas ang peer pressure and for me, for me lang naman, this is the vital stage kasi ang daming influences sa stage na ito. Vyou may now conclude sis, that visits are not enough. Your children esp your oldest needs guidance.

Well, actually nasa communication din ng parents with their kids. I see some OFWs doing well naman na mababait ang mga anak.  Hindi naman lahat napapariwara.  But I guess it was not easy for them. Bottomline, if you can help it sana, huwag naman iwan ang kids (kahit anong edad pa nito unless adult na sya ang responsible na of his actions and thoughts).
They have a full life ahead of them, and kaya tayo naging parents is to take full responsibility in guiding them throughout their formative years, young adolescence at sa pagmature at hubog ng values, thoughts process at maging responsible adults in the future.

[iwannabeasupermodel]

I would say i'm with sis aquacharly na see a psychiatrist. In these days di na taboo yun. You'll be shocked sa dami ng tao na nagpapatingin sa mga psychiatrists. Pag suicide na kasing kasama, iba na eh. A person who tried to commit suicide in the past is forever a psychiatric case.

[cheepee]

nako mga sissies..tenchu sa mga advises pero oo medyo mahirap ngayon ang sitwasyon both bilang parents and our kids. lumala din yung insecurities nitong daughter ko dahil feeling niya yung youngest ang pinapaboran nameng mag asawa but the truth is, pantay lang sila. I plan to go back as soon as possible and we will just iron some issues here dahil ayoko din naman basta umalis na lang ng hindi natturn over ang mga bagay bagay.

For now, i guess communication is very vital siguro talaga. and yes, maraming OFW na may anak but  naging ok naman. minsan nga nakakainggit yung pagnapapanood namen sa TFC na mga interview sa mga anak ng OFW na okay naman sila sa Pinas.

We never planned  for us to leave the kids back home nagkataon lang na when we visited here back in 2010, nagkaroon ng opportunity na for me to work as well. Since opportunity nga, kinagat na namen at di mashadong tinignan ang naging consequences sa mga kids. Only last year lang naman nagkaganyan ng husto yung daughter namen. I don't know what changed or kung baket pero siguro dahil nga walang authority figure at sunod sa layaw sa ama.

Hopefully eh maayos pa namen to hangga't maari. Sana nga eh may makausap din kameng professional about this. baka mas maintindihan namen pareho kung anong pinagdadaanan ng isa't isa

[glamorosa_09]

@cheepee...

So you and your husband has tentative plans na, although wala pang specific timeline kung kelan uuwi ang isa. But what matters is, you have a plan na. I am an OFW child too, but my mom stayed naman kasi with me.

Anyways, hope you won't get confused between psychologist and psychiatrist, they're different but both of them could be psychotherapist Here in the philippines, psychologist ang madalas na nagbibigay ng psychotherapy and assessments. If your child need some medication, go to a psychiatrist.

You may also want to check the services offered by Med Mom, they have psychology team that caters to 0-18 years old, here's their website: http://www.med-mom.com/services