My husband doesn't want to have a child plus sex and money issues

[shinta]

normally, kaya kong i-sort out yung mga problems namin at nadadala sa heart-to-heart. pero ngayon, i'm really confused and feeling sad. on the outside, mukhang okay naman kami ni hubby. kaya nga iniisip ko baka ako lang ang gumagawa ng problema. pero eto yung mga pinagsisimyento ko lately (pasensya na medyo mahaba):

he doesn't want to have a child anymore. na-trauma daw siya sa nangyari sa first baby namin and natatakot na baka may mangyari sakin if mabuntis ulit ako. our baby died two after he was born due to meconium aspiration syndrome. then while I was pregnant, I underwent a surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, but it was worse pala so they had to remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. pero wala namang sinabi sakin ang OB na risk if ever magbuntis ulit ako. i tried explaining this to him, pero tahimik lang siya.

which brings me to another issue, we're having less and less sex. dati 2x a month, naging once a month. now, it's been 2 months since our last. i initiated a few times, pero tumanggi siya. okay lang naman, kasi dati ako yung madalas tumanggi. but lately tuwing matutulog na kami, lagi niyang sinasabi na masakit ulo niya, masakit katawan niya. so feeling ko parang inuunahan na niya ko. may times pa na sinabi niya sa'kin na wala siya sa mood at magkwentuhan na lang daw kami.

i'm not sure if dahil ba ito sa ayaw na niya magka-anak, o stressed lang siya sa work. i have thyroid problems din, so affected yung libido ko, but still i'm initiating. i know kasi that intimacy is important in a relationship. pero after being rejected for quite a few times, nakakawalang-gana na din.

then another problem is money. medyo iba kasi yung prinsipyo ni hubby when it comes to our finances. we both have work. he doesn't give me his sweldo pero hati naman kami sa mga bills and expenses. we give each other gifts and sa mga date nights, siya madalas ang taya. for personal stuff, we use our own money.

1st issue: he's not the type na mahilig mag-save. gusto niya raw kasi nararamdaman yung pinaghihirapan niya. we both work at home, so para sakin importante talaga na may savings kami for emergency situations pati na din for our future. but he can't seem to grasp this.

2nd issue: he doesn't want me to stop working. katwiran niya, ayaw niya daw akong maging tamad. he can provide for me, pero dapat daw masanay ako sa hirap. so kung gusto kong i-maintain ang lifestyle ko ngayon, i need to work for that.

di naman ako maluho at di naman ako buhay-mayaman. we live with my parents and may katulong kami. pero sanay ako sa gawaing bahay (except sa paglalaba). ang reason kung bakit di ako masyadong kumikilos sa bahay is because wala ng gagawin ang katulong.

nagulat lang ako kasi yung ibang lalaki, they will work hard para di masyadong mahirapan asawa nila and they will even tell them to stop working. pero siya baligtad.

when we go out naman, di naman niya ako tinitipid at he would ask me kung may gusto akong bilin. it's just that idea that i will be financially dependent on him, di siya comfortable dun.

[shinta]

medyo mahaba na so divide ko post ko into parts:

3rd issue: he doesn't provide for my medical needs. medyo masakitin ako, which is also the reason kung bakit di ako makapag-fulltime sa work. so laging mas malaki kinikita niya sakin. aside from nakikihati na ako sa expenses namin, i shoulder my own expenses, ako nagbabayad ng SSS at philhealth ko, ako pa din sumasagot ng gastos pag may sakit ako or kung kelangan ko magpa-lab tests, etc.

minsan, kapos ako because i wasn't able to work much and i have some lab tests scheduled, pero di niya ako tinulungan. he knew na may lab tests ako and he could hear me complain na kulang yung pera ko. pero instead na mag-offer ng tulong, bumili pa siya ng computer parts na worth 20k. mahilig siyang mag-upgrade ng computer. katwiran niya, he uses his computer to earn, so dapat daw laging updated, which is tama naman. pero to prioritize that over my medical needs? nasaktan talaga ako.

i brought this up to him lately lang. ang sabi niya, ganun daw kasi talaga siya pag may gustong bilhin. kesa daw maubos pera niya na di man lang niya nararamdaman. i told him na there are times na yung mga wants dapat i-sacrifice for more important needs. so i thought na-intindihan na niya yung point ko.

pero recently, naulit na naman. napaparinig ako sa kanya na gustong kong magpacheck up sa OB and Endo and since matagal-tagal na yung last checkups ko, back to zero na naman yung mga lab tests. so I'm expecting around 15k. may pera naman ako, tinetest ko lang magiging reaction niya.

he only asked kung kelan ko gusto magpa-checkup. so biniro ko siya, sabi ko pautangin ako. he said yes. di ko sure kung yes, papautangin niya ako o yes, bibigyan niya ako. tapos after a few days, tinanong niya kung tuloy daw ba pagpapa-checkup ko, i said no kasi wala akong pera. he then said "papautangin naman kita ah".

i was in tears. pasimple na lang akong tumayo at lumipat sa kabilang kwarto at dun umiyak. parang na-trigger yung mga naipon kong hinanakit sa kanya and i just felt na may asawa nga ako, but it feels like i'm on my own.

[shinta]

until now, i'm hurting and confused kung dapat ko bang ipagmukmok 'tong mga issues ko.

we've already talked about these things. ayoko lang ulit-ulitin sa kanya. feeling ko kasi i'm asking too much from him. he has changed a lot since nagkakilala kami and still it's not enough for me.

pero when i try to imagine what our future will be, parang ang hirap. with no child, no intimacy and that feeling na i'm on my own. nung pinapanood ko nga yung on-site video ni Iya and Drew, naiiyak ako especially when Drew said that he will support Iya in all her plans, to be the person she wants to be. kasi my husband is opposite of that.

and at the back of my mind, iniisip ko na if we continue being this way, may chance na mag-cheat ulit siya.

[shinta]

thank you sis aquacharly. nagmuni-muni ako last night about the things you said and i realized na baka magkaiba ang gusto namin ngayon.

i thought that being married, i'd have someone to support me and have my back. my frustration is di ko yun nararamdaman. i feel that if i fail to contribute my share or if i fall short of my goals, whether personal, financial or whatever, he won't help me just so i will learn my lesson. na parang for a partner in life, is a bit harsh.

siya naman, siguro ngayon lang niya kasi nararanasan yung he's able to buy the things that he wants. he wasn't earning well when we met. so kaya siguro andun pa yung mentality na ang sayo ay sayo, ang akin ay akin. or maybe he's just not the provider type.

you're right, i was comparing to other husbands i know, especially to my dad who is a very good provider. but i guess i should treat myself lucky, because i have the capacity to stand on my own. siguro, di ko lang ma-reconcile my reality with my idea of being married in my head. yung reality na for the things that involve both us, like buying a home, paying the bills, etc, we will share the load. per for things that involve us individually, we're essentially on our own.

about not having a child, siguro because i already know how it feels to be pregnancy and to give birth, andun yung longing. na kahit masakit yung experience namin with out first child, mas matimbang yung longing. sa kanya, maybe it's just all pain. mine was pain and joy so mas matapang ako to go through it again. but i'm already 34, and unfortunately for me, the clock is ticking.

again you're right. i also feel that i need to sort these out myself first. i guess i just needed to validate kung meron nga ba akong dapat ipagsentimyento in the first place. or baka i was just projecting my frustrations on him.

your words really help a lot, especially sa pag himay-himay ko ng feelings and thoughts ko. thank you very much

[marose17]

How long have you known each other before you got married?  Did you attend Discovery Weekend or a similar pre-marriage seminar where you could have talked about these issues?

I think you need to attend marriage counseling.  You have a lot of issues that you need to discuss with your husband.  Personally, I am bothered by your husband not wanting to have sex (this spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E) more than his not wanting to have a child.  Based on what you have written, I can say honestly that your husband is most likely not into the marriage anymore.  His actions and his behavior say it all.  He is living with you, yes, but is he really married to you?  Marriage entails sharing, not just finances and responsibilities, but sharing dreams, goals and values.  What does your husband share with you nowadays? 

Feeling alone in a marriage is perhaps one of the worst feelings.  Are you sure you want to stay with this cold, ungiving, self-absorbed person that is your husband?

(P.S. I am familiar with your history, having read your previous posts, from your husband's straying to what happened to your child.)

[daveigh]

^ I agree with what marose said. Ok, iba iba ang couples pero one thing for sure, we share in every happiness & sorrow. Financials wise, marami akong alam na couples na hindi naman nagsasama sa gastos. Personally, we combine ours pero I understand, to each his own. Pero hindi ganyan eh. Hindi yung pag may masasaktan, kanya-kanya na tayo. I do not agree with that.

I pray that you get proper guidance on this sis. And sana, makicooperate ang asawa mo.

[shinta]

thanks sis marose and daveigh

@marose, 3 years kaming bf-gf, then 4 years married na. we didn't attend any pre-marriage seminar aside from one na required sa church kung san kami kinasal.

napaisip ako kung ano nga ba sine-share niya with me nowadays. usual kwentuhan about sa work and our clients, random things. current news. one of my major complaints sa kanya dati is he doesn't seem to have a plan for our future. if he has, he doesn't share it with me.

sometimes, he shares his goals. i'm just not sure if he has lots of goals. i think majority of his behaviors and values were influenced by his family. ganun kasi tingin ko sa family niya, parang kuntento na sila with what they have and resigned na sila with their fate. they don't do goals. and di din uso savings sa kanila. pag may pera, spend it all.

like what i said, he's changed a lot. so a big part of me still wants to make this work kasi alam ko naman he's capable of changing. and he's a good man naman (pinaka okay sa lahat ng manugang, according to my parents). magkaiba lang kami ng values and how marriage should be.

pero yun nga, ang hirap to be in a situation na parang i'm on my own. i don't mind yun di pinagsasama yung pera namin, kasi share naman kasi sa expenses. pero yung tipong kung ano lang yung napagkasunduan namin paghatian, dun lang kami share. everything else, kanya-kanya na.

i grew up with parents who gave us the best that they can give, with what they have. pero with him, dapat kung may gusto ako, paghirapan ko 'coz he won't help me get it. parang ganun.

he also thinks that i'm just lazy and if i will work as much as he does, i'll earn more, which is true naman. and if he supports me, mas magiging tamad lang daw ako and will be dependent on him. parang to me, di dapat ganun ang mentality ng isang asawa, and a husband at that. o baka kasi yung idea ko ng mag-asawa is yung husband ang provider, wife is the homemaker, kaya na-[textspeak!]-hurt ako when he refuse to cover for me.

about sa no sex, yes, because he cheated on me before, my fear is baka maulit na naman yun. if he doesn't get it from me, he'll get it from someone else. iniisip ko baka di ko na naaalagaan sarili ko at muka na akong losyang.

[ghee.lucky]

Very well said Sis aquacharly, full of positive thoughts.

Talk to your husband sis shinta, tell him about your worries and concern. Good communication is the way to better understanding.

Me and my husband sometimes argue, kasi ang reklamo ko hindi sya nag kwento in full details or kung mag kwento parang may kulang. So I always tell him to learn how to communicate to me kasi ganun ako sakanya, lahat ng nararamdaman ko (anger, happiness, frustrations, disappointments etc) sinasabi ko sakanya, para na lelessen yung bigat ng nararamdaman ko sa mga ginagawa nya na di ko gusto. 

[gorgeous gal]

hi sis shinta,

I have followed your story since I saw your blog when I was planning a wedding.

i agree with what the sisses suggested, you may want to try marriage counseling.  pero before that you have to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby.  kasi tama ka din e, baka naman ikaw lang nakakafeel na may problem. baka for him, everything is smooth sailing.

lots of prayer will help your marriage.

i wish you the best

[shinta]

thanks sis ghee.lucky and gorgeous gal

hala, bat nawala mga post ni sis aquacharly?

nag-usap na kami ulit ni hubby about may sentiments. ilang araw din kasi akong nagmukmok, pati valentines namin nasira.

i got the same answers from him. and honestly, napagod na din ako sa kakaisip. parang gusto ko na lang hayaan na ganun. para ngang for him, wala naman problema at di niya daw inakala na magiging issue sakin yun mga yun.

may nabasa din ako something about marriage, that I shouldn't compare mine with others, like what sis aquacharly said. when i step back and look at the big picture, we're okay. pero syempre, these issues are issues.

how i wish mapilit ko syang sumama sa marriage counseling. but if not, dadaanin ko na lang sa tyaga nakikinig naman siya, medyo tyagaan lang minsan for him to see my point (or minsan, nababaligtad, i'm the one who sees his point, which prompts me to change mine).

thanks mga sisses. it's always nice to see different opinions kasi i get to see all sides and it helps me to think clearly.

[mc21]

.. tell it both to your parents
.. they know whats best for both of you.

[lovemeagain30]

a husband who doesn't like sex?? aba bihira yun ah! usually babae ang umaayaw pero ang lalaki? c'mon! 

[shinta]

he used to like sex, pero mukhang di na ngayon or maybe, just not with me anymore?  iniisip ko din baka it has something to do with not wanting to have a child.