Single Parents: When and How to introduce your children to your new BF/GF

[Girltalker2]

Mga sis, any tips what works and what does not work?

How do you know that your kids are ready to meet a new person in your life?  Do you wait and what are the signs that they are ready?  Or if you cannot wait, you just step in, introduce them and make them accept your new love.

Secondly, anong say ng ex ninyo dito?  It is not that I care, pero somehow ayaw ko ng gulo ng away. I am past that stage of arguing with my ex, gusto ko manahimik nalang sya kung puede.  Pero inevitably, knowing how skewed his mind is, baka magselos pa sya sa puedeng maging relationship ng kids with my special friend.  How to prevent this para di naman maipit sa gitna ang mga bata?

[muahmuahmuah]

I'll just share with you this. I have a guy friend who has 3 daughters, ex nya married na. He dates naman and has had a few girlfriends since the separation/ divorce. Even if he started living-in with one girl he was careful about it, di nya pinakikilala. He checks with his kids how are they when it came to, him, dating. It took a while for the youngest. The middle child was a bit selosa. The older one naman was cool with whatever he did. There was a time when the selosa daughter would say "dad I think you should date blahblahblah" she was referring to her dentist then, funny lang naghahanap ng marereto ang little girl nya. Maybe because he has three girls kaya maingat sya the only person he most likely will introduce to them is the one he plans on marrying and being with long term. 

[babyboo.0326]

for me naman, i don't want to introduce a guy i'm dating to my kids if i'm not sure that he's the one i'm going to end up with. it's ok to let them know you're dating. but the bonding and really getting them to know each other, that will have to wait until such time na he's fit to pass as my kids' stepdad. if not, friends or special friends lang ang kailangan malaman ng mga anak ko about my relationship with him. i don't want my kids to get attached to a guy more than i do, then maghihiwalay din kami in the end, pati kids ko masasaktan ko pa. 

[anniegurl]

same here. I have an 11 year old son. Ive been with my current bf for 4 years na. I made sure muna na everything is ok between me and the guy before I introduced him to my kid. Pero for at least 2 years no inter action yet between my 2 boys recently lang sila naging close when I felt that my son was ready for him. you will feel it sis. nung una kasi i felt na medyo nag seselos siya. tapos eventually he was even the one asking if my bf will come and visit :-)

[Girltalker2]

babyboo and anniegurl, thanks for your responses. 

anniegurl, iyan ang tanong ko. paano sila naging close?  how did it all start. May activities ba sila together? I guess it is harder for me kasi teens na mga anak ko. Unless there is an activity, tsaka sila puede magbonding? 

I'll just share with you this. I have a guy friend who has 3 daughters, ex nya married na. He dates naman and has had a few girlfriends since the separation/ divorce. Even if he started living-in with one girl he was careful about it, di nya pinakikilala. He checks with his kids how are they when it came to, him, dating. It took a while for the youngest. The middle child was a bit selosa. The older one naman was cool with whatever he did. There was a time when the selosa daughter would say "dad I think you should date blahblahblah" she was referring to her dentist then, funny lang naghahanap ng marereto ang little girl nya. Maybe because he has three girls kaya maingat sya the only person he most likely will introduce to them is the one he plans on marrying and being with long term.

thanks for sharing sis.

But I guess it was easier for your guy friend not to introduce his daughters yet to his partner kasi wala sa poder nya yung 3 daughters nya.  And he is living in with his partner in another house.

[DianeShishio]

Ay, eto pala yung thread na binanggit ni TS kanina in another post. 

Here's my opinion coming from the child of a single parent:

A single parent should only introduce their new partner to their children if they are absolutely, most certainly and indubitably sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with them.

When I was 9, my mum formally introduced me to her boyfriend (who she eventually married) I'm very thankful na marunong mag-tantiya ang mom ko and she didn't introduce me to a slew of ex-boyfriends dati...

Pacing is the key, not too soon because you might end up introducing every tom, dick and harry that enters your life, but not too late (if you plan on cohabiting/getting married) because you could end up with a guy who doesn't really care about your child or your child resenting you.

It was no biggie though when I met my step-dad since my dad was never with us while I was growing up, kaya para sa akin I didn't see him as a threat or thought that he was replacing my dad.

Siguro dahil na rin suportado ako ng family ko on my father's side and culture and values nila ang kinalakhan ko, I accepted my step-dad but with a fair amount of caution. My relatives were also telling me that he had no right to discipline me because he wasn't my father blah blah blah.

In terms of maiipit sa gitna, I think this will be inevitable if your ex is still involved in your children's lives especially if hindi maganda ang paghihiwalay niyo. I have a feeling that he'll be trying to prove that he's the better parent or something on that level. I never had my dad around but his family did the "brainwashing" job for him.

Now that I'm in my early 20's, my step-dad and I aren't on speaking terms although civil naman kami kahit papaano. I also have no plans of re-establishing a relationship with him. The setup works fine for us. I don't know if it's just me but as long as he treats my mom and half-siblings well, we're okay.

[Girltalker2]

^ sis, I stand corrected, may sumagot pala after 3 weeks ako nagpost.  Thanks to the responders/GTers.

Pacing is the key, not too soon because you might end up introducing every tom, dick and harry that enters your life, but not too late (if you plan on cohabiting/getting married) because you could end up with a guy who doesn't really care about your child or your child resenting you.

Sis, you brought up an important point.  Kaya somehow I believe there should be a balance na "super sure" ka na sa guy and being able to establish a rapport/relationship between your BF and your children.  Kasi I would say hindi pako 100% sure kapag hindi ko ito nakita. Kasi somehow, kelangan ka ng mga anak mo at wala na silang ibang maasahan kundi ikaw. Kaya hindi mo puede ipilit ang situation na hindi magiging beneficial sa paglaki nila. Bilang only parent ng mga bata, we have to ensure na lumaki sila sa isang conducive environment where they can grow as responsible young adults.

Kaya minsan nag-iisip ako kung tama na ba ang time for my BF to meet my kids.  Kelangan slowly ang introduction siguro but surely na hindi sila ma-insecure. 

Pero if ever the BF is not as supportive sa paglaki ng mga anak ko, parang dealbreaker ata ito. A sad situation kasi mahal mo na ang BF mo. Kaya naniniwala ako hindi mo rin masabi na sure na sure ka na sa BF mo tsaka mo ipapakilala, by the time, baka ikaw, bilang single mother ang maipit kasi nahulog  na loob mo pero alam mong hindi magkasundo ang BF mo at mga anak mo. The single mom somehow has to make a decision to let her BF go, kids should always be a priority. Ang dali sabihin, mahirap gawin.

Now that I'm in my early 20's, my step-dad and I aren't on speaking terms although civil naman kami kahit papaano. I also have no plans of re-establishing a relationship with him. The setup works fine for us. I don't know if it's just me but as long as he treats my mom and half-siblings well, we're okay.

Ang hirap naman for your mom. I would think hindi complete ang feeling niya kasi alam nya na may dalawang tao na mahal nya sa buhay nya ay hindi magkasundo.

[DianeShishio]

^ Alam ko medyo hurt ang mommy ko considering that my step-dad and I used to be close naman in due time siguro magiging maayos din kami

Side kwento: My mom introduced him to me approximately 1 year and 6 months before they got married. Noong balak na nilang magpakasal nagpaalam sakin ang mommy ko, sabi niya "Yan, magpapakasal na kami ng Tito _____ mo, gusto mo naman siya diba?"

1 month later, they got married  Hahahaha

Nagpaalam pala siya sakin 'to inform' not to 'ask permission'