I'm scared of commitment and getting married

[candacena]

Hi girls. Its not that I'm into fling or what. . Nagka trauma na kasi ako. Im aready 29 and my last bf 4 years ago pa so im single now.. Pero may nakilala ako and naiisip ko na yung commitment pano pag nasaktan nanaman ako. Grabe kasi yung nangyari sain last time sobrang na depress ao, apektado Lahat. And dito sa bago ko nakilala.. I dont know if hes serious. Im having doubts again. Nangyari na kasi yung pinakawalan ko at hinayaan ko mapunta sa iba yung mahal ko. And I dont know if I will risk this relationship we have now which is getting to know or pakawalan ko na lang kasi I think hes not serious. I mean I want to give my self a chance but Im so afraid of getting hurt again. I just want to be happy. I mean gusto ko siya kasi the fact na may trabaho, ok ang looks, but yun nga. I hope nagegets niyo ko pati kasi ako gulong gulo na hehe.

About getting married. Im just afraid na bigla lang mabago yung nakasanayan ko na. Kaya ko kaya. Mga ganun.

[molybdenumstudios]

You have to explore more, and there are more men who deserve you more than he does.

[aquacharly]

Okay, let's see. 

1st:  You're scared.  So, what's new?  Everybody's scared of something, everyday. 
It's how each deals with what's scary, that's what makes us different. 
Bottom-line,  it's your call.
But if you think you are not typical in your manifestations of your fears, best to consult a competent & non-judgmental psychologist or psychiatrist.  No shame in getting help for a temporary condition.  It's like, if you don't know how to swim, get a swimming instructor to teach you. 

2nd.  Will a heartbreaking experience in The Past repeat itself?  Not really.  Can't be "almost like The Past" since, well, you are a different person from what you were then.  More knowing, more confident, more patient, less naive....  But the thing is:  History repeats itself until The Lesson is learned.  Did you? See, you can't blame just your Ex alone, or yourself alone, for The Past Heartbreak.  Did you learn The Lesson from the interaction?? 

3rd.  Do not over-think.  Analysis - Paralysis.   Do not project;  instead:  see yourself as  unique, as he is unique, when you 2 are together.
Enjoy the unfolding friendship.  It can develop into something huge. But now isn't the time yet to agonize over your commitment/marriage phobia.  Too premature. 

Sure, there are no guarantees you won't get hurt again.   
That's why you should be mindful, while you enjoy his company.
Take it as it is,  do not assume.  Expect Nothing, that is the secret of Happiness.

[little_princess]

"A big reason people resist taking a chance is because they focus on what they have to give up rather than what they could gain"

[Girltalker2]

Hi girls. Its not that I'm into fling or what. . Nagka trauma na kasi ako. Im aready 29 and my last bf 4 years ago pa so im single now.. Pero may nakilala ako and naiisip ko na yung commitment pano pag nasaktan nanaman ako. Grabe kasi yung nangyari sain last time sobrang na depress ao, apektado Lahat.

Sis, di ka nag iisa. Marami tayo nad-depress.  Worse pa nga sakin kasi nangyari sakin yung sakit when we were married na and we have kids narin. So talagang hindi ko malaman san ako pupulutin.

Think positive.  Forgive yourself.  You owe it to yourself to be happy.  Hindi purkit nangaliwa yung ex mo, lahat ng lalaki gagawa nyan.  What I can suggest to you though is be cautious, but do not give up on commitment, getting married and all. Bata ka pa naman.

And I dont know if I will risk this relationship we have now which is getting to know or pakawalan ko na lang kasi I think hes not serious. I mean I want to give my self a chance but Im so afraid of getting hurt again. I just want to be happy. I mean gusto ko siya kasi the fact na may trabaho, ok ang looks, but yun nga. I hope nagegets niyo ko pati kasi ako gulong gulo na hehe.

Ok ganito kasi iyan sis,  you don't just want someone.  That someone has to also want you back, ideally even more, kung hindi katumbas ng pagka want mo sa kanya. Gets?

When I started dating again, I told myself, ayaw ko na masaktan. Worse, ayaw ko na magkamali. So I asked myself, pero paano ko gagawin iyan e ang daming loko loko dito sa mundong ito, moreso, ang dami pang nangangaliwa na lalaki na hindi serious.  Bullseye sa sinabi mo!  Hindi sya serious!

So ang sagot ko?
Just enjoy your singlehood.  Date and date.  Do not - NEVER EVER - commit to a guy who does not want to commit himself. Di mo sya mapipilit. Kahit pa gusto mo sya.  Do not commit yourself, unless sya muna magcommit.  Kaya habang may gusto ka sa kanya, look at others, shop around, do not commit to him.  Be Free and be happy.  Enjoy different friendships. 

In meeting men, puedeng be open (pero guarded), so parang half open lang ang door at sumisilip ka.  Note - again, KAHIT PA GUSTO MO SYA.

In time makikita mo, you will meet the right guy. In time, makikita mo, sino ang tunay na interested sayo, sino ang serious.  Yung lumapit na serious (na sure ka ha, marami din kasing nagbabalatkayo), dun mo na buksan ang puso mo - that's when you let him in the door and entertain, get to know him more and more.

So anong lesson?  If you think the guy is not serious. Move on, go to the next one. Kung hindi parin, ok lang, next ulit. Basta do not invest 100% of you, kasi hindi ka nga sure.  This way, maiiwasan mo masaktan, pero open ka parin sa 2nd chance in love.

Suggeston lang naman iyan TS. Because that is how I recovered from my heartache, headache at kung ano ano pang naranasan ko. My first and only BF of more than 10 years, na naging hubby ko, nangaliwa.  Took me another 10+ years to move on.  I left with my kids.  I started a new life with my kids in a different country.  After 2 years na naka settle kami, I started dating.  Dito nako nag research ng husto, how to deal with these things. It is simply unfair if I just lock my heart and be "happy alone" for the rest of my life.  Mas fulfilling siguro kung may kasama sa buhay.  Then there it went, I dated, to be exact, 6.  In the end, si BF ko ngayon, is the most extraordinary guy I have met. I never thought such a guy existed.  He is indeed a true gem. One in a million.  So far ha....   

So sis, be patient, in time, you will meet the right one for you.

Good luck!

[candacena]

Thanks so much sa mga nag advice. Plan namin mag meet saturday.. I like him but like what you girls said wag ko muna isipin ang commitment. Enjoy muna ko sa getting to know stage. Kasi parang pinipigilan kong mafall sa kanya eh. Ang hirap kasi nga iniisip ko agad na hindi siya serious. hehe tanda ko na para dito hehe. ngayon bigla ko na lang naisipan na hindi siya itext buong araw. To see if hes really serious ang kulit hehe miss call ng miss call. Hay love nga naman.

[insanelypurpleprincess]

No one is too old to feel the thrill and kilig out of a possible new love. In fact, age has no bearing at all.. it's a mere question of... do you now know better? Hope you do! Give yourself a chance to just go out there and date. See where it goes. Take it one day at a time. You waited this long before do dived back in, so what's another day? Just take it in one step at a time. And remember that you get the love you think you deserve so chin up girl!

[Girltalker2]

Thanks so much sa mga nag advice. Plan namin mag meet saturday.. I like him but like what you girls said wag ko muna isipin ang commitment. Enjoy muna ko sa getting to know stage.

Tama. Just enjoy the company. You can be friends lang naman muna.

Mukhang di pa kayo nagkikita personally. So it is best to really be careful.  Maganda yung aligned kayo - pareho ba kayong single with no attachments?  Tapos make it clear the reason you want to meet up with him is to get to know him as a friend, and you two take things one day at a time to see if it can progress further.  Pero if not, promise to tell him and not lead him on.
 

Kasi parang pinipigilan kong mafall sa kanya eh.

Ewan ko sa mga bata pa (20s or early 30s) like you hehe.   Sakin, I do not see anything wrong with this.  But you see, it is likely you will fall for a guy kung sya nalang at sya ang nakikita mo.  Minsan hindi naman sya gwapo, pero kung sya ang nakikita mo araw araw, puede sya maging kasing guapo ni Piolo hahahaha

So again, another lesson....  Date around, huwag sa iisa lang. Remember, you are just to get to know him, therefore there is nothing wrong if you are to get to know others as well.  Do not settle to get to know 1 guy lang, kasi most likely YOU WILL FALL FOR HIM.  This is just my opinion.

Pero kung you are seeing 2 guys, you can compare the friendships, you can see ano gusto mo, ayaw mo, make a checklist of your non negotiables, at negotiables. Tapos look through them, never entertain ang mga sinungaling. Sabi mo nga kanina, may work sya. Pero sabi nya iyan.  What if later ma discover mo, wala palang work?  So be cautious, be ready to walk out, if needed.

Do not just allow yourself to fall. Tapos lasenggo pala, addict pala sa games at babae, tapos sasabihin mo nalang sa sarili mo, mahal ko na e, hindi na bale. This is a No-No.

Ang hirap kasi nga iniisip ko agad na hindi siya serious. hehe tanda ko na para dito hehe. ngayon bigla ko na lang naisipan na hindi siya itext buong araw. To see if hes really serious ang kulit hehe miss call ng miss call. Hay love nga naman.

Kung hindi sya serious --- so?  Then move on. Yun lang naman.

And sis, hindi ka matanda, kasi ang laki kaya ng tanda ko sayo. and yet we have the same experience. So wala sa age iyon sabi nga ni sis insanelypurpleprincess hehe

di mo masasabi ang seriousness ng guy by his texts and calls NOW, for the next week or so. Makikita mo iyan through time, months. Sa action nya, how he gets you involve with his life, may tinatago o wala?  his life, work, family, home, office, friends, etc. 

[purple.strawberry]

Hi sis, tama ba pagkakaintindi ko, sa getting-to-know stage pa lang kayo? Bakit naman kasal kaagad naisip mo? You still don't even know if he's serious di ba. Try mo muna enjoy the company of each other and, yun nga, makilala niyo muna isa't isa. No pressure.

You're not the only person afraid of getting hurt again.. Dumaan dina ako diyan because of a traumatic relationship. But I decided to choose a positive outlook in life. As a close friend told me, I should open my heart and love pa din, di ba what you give comes back to you. And siyempre ngayon you're wiser and more knowing. Good luck to you TS.

[candacena]

Tama. Just enjoy the company. You can be friends lang naman muna.

Mukhang di pa kayo nagkikita personally. So it is best to really be careful.  Maganda yung aligned kayo - pareho ba kayong single with no attachments?  Tapos make it clear the reason you want to meet up with him is to get to know him as a friend, and you two take things one day at a time to see if it can progress further.  Pero if not, promise to tell him and not lead him on.

sis hindi pa nga kami nag kikita personally, galing mo naman sis pano mo nalaman haha.. yes pareho kaming single, and nakaadd naman siya sakin binusisi ko naman parang wala. pero syempre nag dududa pa din ako kung may gf. yun na nga isa ko pinagaaalala. kasi may times na yung text niya eh parang fling lang ang gusto. parang ayaw ko na tuloy makipag meet.
 

So again, another lesson....  Date around, huwag sa iisa lang. Remember, you are just to get to know him, therefore there is nothing wrong if you are to get to know others as well.  Do not settle to get to know 1 guy lang, kasi most likely YOU WILL FALL FOR HIM.  This is just my opinion.

Pero kung you are seeing 2 guys, you can compare the friendships, you can see ano gusto mo, ayaw mo, make a checklist of your non negotiables, at negotiables. Tapos look through them, never entertain ang mga sinungaling. Sabi mo nga kanina, may work sya. Pero sabi nya iyan.  What if later ma discover mo, wala palang work?  So be cautious, be ready to walk out, if needed.

Do not just allow yourself to fall. Tapos lasenggo pala, addict pala sa games at babae, tapos sasabihin mo nalang sa sarili mo, mahal ko na e, hindi na bale. This is a No-No.

Ill keep that in mind sis. meron ako nakilala pa isa. he's ok but im not crazy about him, mas matino siya kesa sa katext ko ngayon, and mas mabait. pero Idk diba pag nakakita ka ng mas higit pa sa kanya mas magugustuhan mo yun isa. he's ok naman, ka vibes ko siya

And sis, hindi ka matanda, kasi ang laki kaya ng tanda ko sayo. and yet we have the same experience. So wala sa age iyon sabi nga ni sis insanelypurpleprincess hehe

di mo masasabi ang seriousness ng guy by his texts and calls NOW, for the next week or so. Makikita mo iyan through time, months. Sa action nya, how he gets you involve with his life, may tinatago o wala?  his life, work, family, home, office, friends, etc. 

tinatanong ko din ang sarili ko kung serious na din ba ko sa kanya, or bored lang ako kaya ko tinetext. kaso sa pinapakita niya na tuturn off ako. masyado mabulaklak ang mga sinasabi, eh parang alam ko na mga ganun style eh.

[Priceless]

Coming from a painful past, I suggest you evaluate yourself first - are you at a "happy" place now, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically? The last thing you want is to jump back into the dating pool with unresolved personal issues. It's like going into a hospital with a compromised immune system na.

Surround yourself with plenty of loved ones, nuture friendships and develop new ones. Tama ang sabi ni sis Girltalker2 na mas malaki ang chance na mag-fall ka without really trying too hard kung iisa lang ang nakikita at naririnig mo. Lalo pa if this person is mabulaklak nga and of course, if you have opened yourself up to him, he will probably know which buttons he can push to get the desired response from you.

It may well be na ito na nga si prince charming, pero I suggest that to save yourself from any doubts or heartache in the future, kilalanin mo muna mabuti si frog before you kiss him to find out if he's really prince charming.

[Girltalker2]

TS, sabi mo may nakilala ka pang isa. I say, there's nothing wrong in getting to know him din. Be open. Oo sabi mo you are not as thrilled with him kesa dito sa I-m-meet mo. Pero how do you know nga e di mo panga kilala nang husto silang dalawa?

You see, my current bf, sa first date namin, ganun din ako, di masyadong 'crazy' about him but as I got to know him, that's the time I fell in love with him. Yes, somehow I believe sa umpisa dapat may konting 'like'. Yung tipong hindi mo naman kinasusuklaman, then just go, meet and mingle. Syempre make sure safe ha, ako kasi I don't believe in text mates and internet chat friends. I usually go by either nakilala ko through my network of friends or kakilala ng kakilala. Kaya pag internet friends, parang dami horror stories narin tanong naririnig kasi.

Tsaka, di ka pa naman committed dito sa kameet mo, why restrict yourself and make that assumption that he is better than the other guy?
Unless nalang siguro may 'non negotiable' na character itong isa kaya di mo na gusto.

[p0isonIvy]

sis hindi pa nga kami nag kikita personally, galing mo naman sis pano mo nalaman haha.. yes pareho kaming single, and nakaadd naman siya sakin binusisi ko naman parang wala. pero syempre nag dududa pa din ako kung may gf. yun na nga isa ko pinagaaalala. kasi may times na yung text niya eh parang fling lang ang gusto. parang ayaw ko na tuloy makipag meet.
 

hala hindi pa naman pala kayo nagmmeet. bakit kasal na agad ang problem? quantum leap masyado. kaloka. what if pag nagmeet na kayo, bad breath pala sya, or may mga mannerisms sya na ayaw mo. or a hundred other things that are non negotiables as they say?

kalma lang sis. wag masyado excited. peace 

[candacena]

Actually sis nakita ko na pala siya in person. Pero hindi kami naguusap. Nakikita lang namin ang isat isa. Familiar lang ang face Ganun.

ok lang talaga tong katext ko . hehe. kasi nga mas may looks, mas ok ang work, kaso may doubt ako na womanizer. pero Yun nga dn ang sabi ng kapatid ko sis Girltalker bigyan ko ng chance yung isa kasi mabait nga tsaka hindi naan kasuklam Suklam hehe.. kainis kung sino pa yung parang bad boy mas dun mo pa nagugustuhan 

[chelsz]

hi sis! i guess we are all scared to be hurt. Bad experiences make us all paranoid. Ako, whenever I'm into a relationship, I give everything that should be given. Trust, understanding, care, lambing, landi, etc.   Di naman nya kasalanan yung kasalanan ng previous boyfriend ko. In that way, maghiwalay man kami, I have no "what if's" kasi alam kong I did everything. If it's still not enough for him, e di wag! Always think that if you were happy with the wrong person, imagine how happy you would be with the right one. So dont be too scared to love.

[candacena]

^thanks sis. yun na nga sis binigay ko lahat dati, hindi ako nag tira para sa sarili ko. kaya eto parang nagpipigil ako. hirap pala pag 1st time mo nasaktan ng todo. pero pasalamat ako at nalalabas ko ang na fefeel ko dito sa gt. thanks girls

Nafefeel ko talaga na parang fling lang ang habol niya. Though mga 4 years na ko walang lovelife. Im so scared na mag repeat yung past na fling lang ang habol sakin. Though I know better. Parang na trauma na ko sa thrill thrill na yan haha. Grabe kasi talaga yung nangyari dati eh

[Girltalker2]

^ Yes, sis, you know better na now.

Kaya prepare that checklist na!  negotiables and non negotiables etc. Kung bagsak (below 70%) hehe, move on to the next. Ganun lang naman yun.

Remember, kung sinuman ang papakasalan mo, has to be the right guy, otherwise, I guarantee you life can be hell, especially sa Pinas.