My Pasikat Husband

[g-gurl]

Hi girls, i hope to get some inputs from you in my current situation.

Husband and i have been married for 3 years and we have a 1 year old boy. He is a seafarer whose contract is 6-7months. At the start pa lang, i have noticed that he is quite magastos and pa-bongga. I also have work.
I am pissed off recently. Feeling santa claus si husband buying expensive gifts for his 5 pamagkins. Oo naman, its the christmas season --- spirit of giving and sharing but i felt it was too much and so unfair. He bought expensive clothes and toys to his 5 pamangkins pero hindi man lang nya naisip bilhan ang aming little boy and ako ( ni birthday gift or christmas gift wala). I am just so pissed and angry.

I communicated this to him, i told him i felt bad about it, wala nga cyang bday at christmas gift sa akn and our little one tapos makayang nyang bilhan ng expensive clothes ang mga pamagkin nya. He replied saying " hindi nya pera yun,--- that he will be reimbursed by his other brother. This I found hard to believe since saksakan ng ka-kuripotan yung brother na yun. It simply doesnt jive with that brother's personality ( nagbabaon, yung super sirang cellphone halos hindi palitan, wears the cheapest clothes, halos hindi willing mag contribute with their late fathers' burial and medical expenses, all in all super thrifty to the point of depriving himself of basic needs). Then, i read sa fb message nya to his sister in law " uwi ako dyan, hatid ko gifts sa mga bata". Eh di, it is more telling na sa kanya talaga yon. Sinabi nya lang na subject to reimbursement sa brother nya to appease me.

Plus, meron cya palayan sa probincya nila which that brother is managing-- in our3 years of marriage never ko pa nalaman magkano ang income nito. My point is: as his wife, it is my right to know the status and income thereof. Everytime i make an attempt to inquire about it, he would just brush me off.

At eto na, he is going back to manila -- back to work uli and nagparinig na wala na cyang funds. Nagpanting talaga ang tenga ko. Iwanted to lash out at him " may pambili ka mamahaling damit and toys for your pamangkins at panggastos pabalik ng manila, wala. Pero, i just bit my tongue.

I always tell him to know his priorities pero parang deaf ears parati. When he is on vacation, feeling pa-bida, pa-sikat at pa-santa claus.

[Girltalker2]

Sis, baka there is something more between him and his brother. History nila etc.

Tapos baka pabili nga sa kanya yung mga yun at di nya kusa.

Of course, lahat ay 'Baka'. So para hindi kayo mag away, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and understand things from his point of view. Therefore, it is imperative na ayusin ninyo ang pag uusap ninyong mag asawa without shouting para maintindihan ka nya and vice versa. He won't listen to you kung lagi ka nalang galit at naninita. So best to approach him in a different way para matuto sya pakinggan ka at maikwento nya sayo ano nangyayari talaga (re brother, taniman etc)

[abbmg]

sis i can relate kasi ganyan din ang asawa ko. i think ang issue dito is not really yung pasikat, but knowing his priorities. kasi mas maluwag sa kanyang mabigyan ang "family of origin niya" kesa sa inyong immediate family na niya talaga. our situation naman kasi is his family is milking him too much kasi nga alam nilang nag aabroad ang asawa ko, and so was I. siyempre hindi makatanggi asawa ko, and kampante siya na we will survive kasi nga i have have money. when i posted my topic here, most of the GTs told me not to stress myself anymore, just focus on my soon to be born baby and career to get my life back on track, since kami ay wala na talagang pag-asa.

i still suggest for you to communicate with him and make him realize to set his priorities straight. ok lang naman to give but not too much, yung wala na siyang naitira para sa inyo or for himself (wala na kamo siyang pamasahe).

pasensya na medyo nega ako, but i still hope you'll sort things out.

[glamorosa_09]

At the start pa lang, i have noticed that he is quite magastos and pa-bongga.

I assume that you noticed it while you were still dating, and you chose to overlook it, am I right? Looks like it's a pattern of his na mag-pasikat. And now it's getting on your nerve already.

Tuwing kelan sya nagpapasikat at bumibili ng mamahalin para sa mga kamag-anak, occasional ba o madalas kahit walang okasyon? Mga gamit nya mamahalin din at branded?

Other than nakakairita yung pagiging pasikat nya, are there more serious repercussions on your marriage and family ng pagiging gastador nya? Like nagkakaron kayo ng financial problems, hindi sya nagiging good provider sa mga bata, hindi sya mabuting ama, mas priority nyang i-meet yung needs ng family of origin nya than his own family (ikaw at mga kids). I think these are serious problems.

Assuming na walang deeper problems katulad ng mga nabanggit ko sa itaas, what does he get by being pasikat? Is it attention, a sense of importance, admiration, etc? O baka naman laki sya sa hirap at yung mga kamag-anak nya hindi nakakatikim ng mga magagandang bagay? Baka you can try to understand his motivation on why he does that, somehow you'll be illuminated.

[g-gurl]

Sis glamorosa_09: Yes, it was apparent when we were still dating and yes, my mistake for overlooking it. Hay, if only I can turn back time.   I could have run to the nearest exit. 

Yes, laki cya sa hirap and he admits he worked so hard to experience and have a taste of the good things in like. He admits he is magastos and thanks to my influence, he is starting to change PERO hindi naman daw instant or overnight. Yes, he likes to have the latest gadgets and stuff -- saying he was deprive as a child.

Tuwing kailan: Everytime he finished his contract. He buys pasalubongs which to me are excessive, roughly $300-$400 of chocolates. Yes, its getting on my nerves because the money spent could have been invested for his retirement fund and educational fund of our baby. i think malakas ang loob nya kase andyan ako.nang kina-iinisan ko is with 2015 --- andami payables like: his VUL is due, car registration renewal, change oil/ car maintenance, real estate taxes etc. Parang napaka-unfair on my end--- ako etong resourceful in saving and investing tapos cya acts as if he is rolling in dough. I have a stable job and a few rental properties. He is probably thinking na andyan ako to bail him out.

What does he get from being pasikat -- i guess all of the above na na mention mo: attention, admiration and sense of importance. Illonggo cya. During his cousins' wedding, nagkabit cya ng $200 sa money dance tapos paubos na pala ang funds nya--- ang ending ako sumalo lahat ng household expenses namin. it is definitely getting on my nerves.

Yung brother nya who is also a seafarer, tuwing umuuwi pinapa-sara yung beerhouse na sikat sa barrio nila and on the house lahat. Yun din ang pina-aawayan nila ng bilas ko. Tapos, when the time comes na back to manila for work, ayun, mangugutang ng pamasahe sa plane and pocket money sa 5/6.

Ano kayang strategies gawin ko? One thing na naisip ko is ipa-auto debit his VUL life insurance payments and educational fund ng anak namin sa account nya. Parang useless parati yung talk ko that he needs to save for his old age and retirement. He is 40 years old and our son is only a year old. Whenever, i open up the topic of being financially smart, he wouldnt take me seriously. He would jokingly say " Andyan ka man. Kaya nga pinakasalan kita because you are very good with money".

Ano kayang strategies ko?

[toinks.toinks]

baka naman sis feeling mo lang na pasikat, mga pamangkin naman yung binigyan, sino ba papasikatan nya dun, i mean matagal naman na ata syang sikat when it comes sa pamimigay sa magulang or kapatid at pamangkin. baka nga may something sa kanila nung di ka pa dumadating sa buhay nya like mga promises sa kapatid o sa magulang na kapag ako nakapagabroad eh babawi sya sa mga ganung bagay. alamin mo din baka nga naman may utang na loob sya sa mga yun kaya di sya makatanggi. sa management naman nya sa pera, wala naman ibang makakatulong sa kanya kundi ikaw lang din, asawa ka eh, kung ano kahinaan nya, tulungan o sya, wag mo icondemn na ngayon wala ka ng pera pano na, bandang huli ikaw din ang sasakit ang ulo dahil ikaw lang din kukulitin nyan.

[glamorosa_09]

@g-gurl

It must be tiring in your end na laging saluhin yung mga hindi magagampanan ng husband mo.

My father is somewhat like your husband and his brother. But he's retired na, so I don't know what he plans to do with his pension.

What my mom did, since he was a seaman, she invested her allotment in buying lots and building apartments. Sa seaman kasi may allotment di ba, certain percent goes to the family and the rest sa kanila. Sa part ng father ko walang natitira. So umuuwi syang walang pera pero maraming pinamili. Hindi naman sya pa-sikat, more on kung makagastos, wagas.

My mom couldn't do anything about it. She focused on what she can control, and that is investing her allotment.

My father did not change, gastusero talaga sya, not necessarily mahal or what, ewan ko, may butas yata kamay nya. Don't know. But I still love him of course, he's a good father.

As for the strategy you were asking. I can't suggest anything, other than you hold and manage his money.  Strength mo yun, weakness naman nya. Bigyan mo na lang sya ng allowance nya. Hopefully, he will cooperate. Possible ba yun?

It was apparent when we were still dating and yes, my mistake for overlooking it. Hay, if only I can turn back time.   I could have run to the nearest exit

Ok lang yan Normal yan. Most women naman have moments of "if I could only turn back time," kapag meron pa silang hindi accepted sa husband nila. Maybe you overlooked dahil meron din syang magandang inner qualities

[donya_dyosa]

nakakainis nga sis.... hays ako rin magaantay ng advice sa ibang girltalkers dito para sayo.. parang natypeless ako sa prob mo. (speechless doesnt apply kasi) hehe..

hmmm.. pero para sakin ituloy mo nalang pagiging masinop mo.. live as if single mom ka.. wag ka aasa sa pera ng asawa mo.. taguan mo nalang sya ng pera.. ikaw nalang ang maginvest sa retirement funds nyo,..
kung mashort man sha.. hayaan mo sha.. wag mo sha tulungan kasi ayaw nya matuto... yung mga usap usap nayan wala naman " minsan" napapala jan.. kung nakapagusap nakayo. at ganun padin. plan b ka na.. like what i suggested.. i wish you well

[zizichick]

^ OT: baka naman may magandang reason bakit ganun kalaki. ang mali ay kung bakit di man lang nya sinabi sa'yo kung ano yung reason. 

[twinkoolet]

Hi sis baka siya yung breadwinner ng family nya nung single pa siya kaya until now parang nasa ugali na nya kada uwi na magbigay in gift form naman. baka siya yung pinagtulungan na pagaralin para masuportahan yung family nya. sa province kasi usually pagalam na abroad bigtime. kaya kada uwi ng nagaabroad laging may painom, pakain, paswimming at kung [textspeak!] [textspeak!] pa. Kaya tama mga sisses naten dito na ikaw na alam kung panu pahalagahan ang pera ang magpalago para sa future nyo at ng baby nyo. wag mo istress sarili mo, pagnaaalala mo yun isipin mo na lang ang mga good qualities ng husband mo kaya mo siya pinakasalan.

[aquacharly]

Well, there you go, GGURL right from the horse's mouth. Pinakasalan ka nya coz he assumes he will not have money problems.  Oo nga, sisihan mo man sarili mo for ignoring his basic financial profile: andyan na yan. 

IMO, 2 Lang yan -  get rid of him, since anyway you are financially independent & capable.
Or, be wiser.   Mag tago ka as much as you can of your money.  That way, he may be forced to spend less on others.  He will be forced to assume less that you will take care of him and your family in the future.  Tiisan mo, say:  Eh ganito Lang pera ko.  Anyway,  as it is now -- the buck stops with you. So best if you can hide from him most of your money. Out of mind, out of reach nga.