My husband doesn't trust me....(very long post)

[erza0916]

..and he has a reason.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We started dating in highschool and only got married recently (just 2 months ago). Sa 8 years na yun siguro 3-4 years in total na LDR kami. Almost every year umaalis sya for work..hindi kami nagkksama for more than 2 years straight. We were fine, we managed. But 2012 ako naman yung kailangan umalis. I had to stay there for at least a year. That's when everything started to fall apart and it's all my fault.

I deeply regret and I am very ashamed of what I did. I had an affair with a co-worker while I was abroad. It wasn't just an affair, it was more like a relationship. I realized what I did and thought I had to break up with my bf then. I told him everything and that I thought that we should break up. Of course he was devastated but he didn't want to let me go. He made me choose. He told me that he forgives me and he wants me to choose him, that he will wait for me and he would still marry me. He told me to come home so we could talk about it.

We were each other's first real relationship. First everything (if you know what I mean). He's very handsome and charming pero never sya nangbabae. Hindi sya mahilig makipagflirt. He tried to give me everything I wanted. We were just students back then but he would still treat me on dates and buy me gifts and never ask for anything in return. We had so much in common and I was very happy with him.

I was so confused. I wanted to choose him but cheating is unforgivable. I knew that he would never be able to trust me again. But still, I came back home. I booked a 2 way ticket. I was gonna stay here for only a month. I was just gonna talk to him and end it personally. He was there, waiting. He told me he loves me and that whatever happens, he always will. I told him I wanted to break up, that when I leave in a month, I'll be gone forever. He disregarded that and went on as if nothing happened. He asked me to live with him and go on vacations with him, for old times sake.

Deep in my heart I still love him. I just wanted to let him go because I hurt him so much. But I still really love him so I stayed with him. When the month was coming to an end and I had to leave, he begged me to stay. He told me he would forget everything and forgive me. He assured me that it will never come between us. I believed him so I missed my flight and gave it another shot.

Two months later we found out I'm 8 weeks pregnant. We were blessed with an angel of our own. We decided to get married on our anniversary date which was 2 months since we found out. Now, were married and 24 weeks pregnant. The problem is I had to go back abroad otherwise I'll lose my residency there. My mom also suggested that I give birth there so my baby would obtain citizenship. It was a good idea and my husband agreed.

But now everytime we argue he would bring the past back. He would tell me he couldn't and doesn't trust me. That he knows I will cheat again because to him that's who I am, a cheater. Even the smallest things escalate and boil down to that issue. I assured him that I would never do it again more so now that I am carrying his child but he never listens and accuse me of not understanding. I understand completely where he's coming from.

Is it bad to assume that he forgave me when he decided to marry me? I knew from the start that he wouldn't trust me but it was he who begged me to stay. Mali ba ako kung akalain kong OK na kami? Sobrang sakit lang na kahit mga maliit na bagay lumalaki dahil sa nagawa ko noon. Feeling ko wala na akong karapatang magalit sa kanya dahil may nagawa akong sobrang sama noon. Naiintindihan ko na nagaalala lang sya na baka maulit pero kailangan ba talagang maging full blown na awayan? Ano pa bang magagawa ko para mapatunayang hindi ko na gagawin yun? Pumayag syang umalis ako at babalik naman ako agad paglabas ng baby. He would use the past against me and I feel like I don't have the right to fight back. Minsan iniisip ko sana hindi na lang nya ako pinakasalan kung hindi pa sya nakakapag move on. Mali ba ako para isipin yun?


Im sorry for the very long post. I just wanted to vent out and I know a lot of you here would understand. Salamat kung binasa mo lahat. Thank you

[quennna]

hi sis..

question lang.. di pwedeng masama si husband sa pupuntahan mo?
since family na kayo, best na mag usap kayo.. di mo talaga maiiwasan na mapraning sya..
kasi kung baliktarin natin na sya ang nag loko, magkaka doubt ka rin talaga..
now assure mo lang sya na natuto ka na sa kasalanan mo..
communication is the key..

[purple.strawberry]

Naalala ko yung college friend ko. Her bf cheated on her (on several women pa) but eventually they got back together. But then the guy kept complaining that my friend didn't trust her, so kami parang, well what did he expect.

IMO in situations like that it'll take a loooong time before maregain ang trust. Expect that it's gonna be a long, slow journey. Yes, kahit kasal na kayo.

For your part sis I think you have to be patient. Hindi naman maliit na bagay ang ginawa mo para makalimutan kaagad. He was deeply hurt, but didn't he choose to stay with you despite the betrayal?

Same question as above.. Can't your hubby go with you when you go abroad? Of course you're a family now so your choice sana will reflect what's best for your family.

[TysLolakins]

if i understand this correctly,  you guys were not married yet when you had an affair, so what's the big deal?  i don't think that you've committed so big of a sin the way your husband now is making it appear.  nangyari yon nung dalaga ka pa, then he begged you to stay, he promised that he won't use that against you, tapos ngayon he's acting that way.  and how would you know that  he didn't do anything too while you're away, hmmn? 
i will not be able to live with a guy like that, making me feel paranoid that everytime we have an disagreement, he'll bring up something  that happened in the past that you've both agreed will never be discussed anymore.  makulit na lang ang dating pag paulit-ulit.
i'm gonna be brutal here.  go back to your other country of residency, have the baby there and don't come back for him.  kung magalit siya, magalit siya, tutal he doesn't trust you anymore anyway.  sunugin niya ang ilog. 
 

[aquacharly]

^hahaha, my dialogues just got enriched:  Sunugin mo yung ilog.  Thanks!, TYSLOLAKINS

ERZA0916
IF You were a sister or BFF, this is what I will say:

1.  There is no tyrant where there is no victim, sabi daw ni Rizal. 
His "You, Cheater; me, Tarzan"  repetitive issue is emo & verbal abuse.  Do not hang around for the physical abuse.  So go, and deliver your baby far away for practical reasons; Distance nowadays too is your best shield versus Tarzan.

2.  Como your hubby wants to live with a mamaw from The Past, & his not letting go just feeds the mamaw to grow bigger & bigger --  go for counseling.  If he can join you where you are -- good. If LDR kayo --  do it individually.  But do it, you both do it.  The mamaw is too complicated and deep for you 2 to handle & dissect.  A professional ghost-buster is required.

A competent & non-judgmental psychologist  you can vent everything to, will be able to guide you to clearing your mental & emo cobwebs. And guide you on improving your interactive & communication skills with Tarzan.   If he refuses to go for counseling -- you 2 are still a step forward, since you will have a better understanding & better ability to handle that mamaw he is attached to.

3.  Get to know yourself better.  Face The Truth.   Why did you cheat on him, in the 1st place?  Why do you go back & forth resuming your relationship with him? Why, did you marry him still?  Why do you let him drag you back to The Past?

Sure, Love is at times ineffable.  Well, give it your All, but set a Deadline.  You can't go on forever hanging from the chandeliers. Peksman. Your heart will get tired if now and then, you gotta deal with your hubby's Casper (este, mamaw). 

You are young, productive, with a big future ahead. Who doesn't make mistakes anyway? But, we gotta learn & move on.  So, is the mistake that affair, or this marriage?

Sis, take good care of yourself, mind YOUR best interests. Hindi ikaw ang tatalon sa ilog.  If he wants to waste his life as TYLOLAKiNS advised:  Sunugin nya ang ilog. ....   Let him, give him his happiness. But make sure, truly happier ka.