I can't seem to fully trust again.

[mimiku]

Years ago, my heart got broken badly. My first BF who was really so perfect back then cheated and left me. I was devastated. Took me years to finally open my heart. Now, I am happily married to a perfect and responsible husband.

BUT.

I couldn't seem to let go of these persistent and nagging thoughts about trusting again. Not to mention, I've seen, read, watched marriages broke apart for every reason there is. No matter how I try, there's always this "fear" that someday he might leave or cheat on me. That's why I always hold back into giving everything, including my trust. Because if history will repeat itself, I would definitely be crushed and won't be able to handle another second heartbreak.

Insecure. Paranoid. I guess these are the perfect terms.

Once bitten, twice shy. Etc. Etc.


Have you ladies, experience something like this?

What should I do to finally let go of these negative thoughts?

Thank you for your replies.

[kvandenhaak]

My question is does this affect the marriage. If it is, why ruin a perfect marriage?

[TysLolakins]

i think you're not being fair to your husband now.  it seems he's getting punished for something that somebody did to you a long time ago.  and there's a difference in the circumstances,  your heartbreak happened when you were just bf/gf with the other guy,  people break-up and move on, there's no legal commitment binding the couple at that stage.  now you're married and i'm assuming older and wiser.  no one can guarantee your husband's faithfulness to you and if that ever happens, you'll react more differently and have a different perspective. and that comes from wisdom that you've acquired over the years experiencing a lot of different things.   
stop dwelling on the past, you're the only one who has control over your actions/reactions, thoughts and emotions.  so you'd rather live in fear for the rest of your life instead of enjoying the good life you're having right now?
 

[yannuh]

sis i completely understand what you are coming from. nagkaroon din ako ng trust issues before and alam ko sobrang hirap nyan to the point na lagi kayo mag aaway kasi kahit sobrang ok si partner mo, iisipan mo pa rin ng masama nga kasi marerelate mo sya sa previous experience mo. pero sis isipin mong magkaibang tao si hubby mo ngayon at si ex. kung mas importante sayo si hubby, hindi mo hahayaan macloud ng kung ano ano yung isip mo at magfofocus ka kung saan ang happiness mo:)

[shinies]

"Love and life is about giving it your all. If you hold back, you're not loving or living at all."

Halos lahat naman tayo dumadaan sa heartbreak kasi parang nasa listahan siya ng life lessons na TO-DO natin Imbis na isipin ang sama ng buhay dahil sinaktan ka noon, learn from it and move on.

Personal choice siya.. Dadating ka sa point na marealize mo, ayaw mo na maging ganyan. Tapos ikaw mismo ang pipili na tumingin sa positibong aspeto ng relasyon (at buhay) niyo kung wala ka namang nakikitang mali sa mister mo.

Siguro sis ang tanong at sagot lang diyan eh, bakit ka nagpakasal sa kanya?

Kung talagang hindi kaya ng sariling "will", try mo din pacheck baka pala may underlying clinical condition. Minsan kasi, di lang siya hirap sa pag cope eh. Wag mo sana masamain ito (may mga tao kasi hindi handa tanggapin kung ito ang rason...
Health is wealth din naman

[Girltalker2]

TS, mahirap talaga magtrust. Naloko narin ako. But then before committing on the next relationship, I know that I have to be more careful and discerning.  and I suppose pinagdaanan mo rin iyan before you married your hubby.

However, being more wiser and discerning doesn't guarantee a perfect relationship. Kasi feeling ko having a relationship is always a risk - Yun nga lang nasa sa atin (both parties) nalang how we can minimise that risk. Like una una, dapat mas marunong na tayo pumili kasi naloko na tayo before. Mas marunong narin tayo Magdala ng relationship or at least mag effort to read up how to keep our partners happy. And mas marunong narin tayo magkiramdam kung may red flags tayong nakikita. At higit sa lahat, para sakin, kung nagawa ko dati bumangon (or walking out of a relationship), magagawa ko ulit and di ako papayag na masisira ulit ako dahil lang sa kalokohan ng isang tao ulit. Di ako nag walk out at nagpakahirap to survive on my own just to be ruined again by another person. Especially if I have kids to raise and protect.

why do you have to be so praning? At the onset, ok naman ang asawa mo, then dwell on those thoughts and always pray for His guidance. However, if there are red flags that make you think twice, maybe you should thread this path with caution din. You need to think for yourself objectively. Not accusing, but look at the facts. IKaw din nagsabi before naloko ka na. Then you trusted again - your hubby. Siguro naman alam mo na ang difference ng ok na partner at ng nagloloko na partner.

[simang]

Agree ako with everything sis shinies said. For me talaga you can never fully be in the moment if guarded ka. When it comes to marriage especially, you give it your all or nothing. You have to live in the moment or else hindi mo talaga sya maeenjoy. And a good way to start is to ask yourself why you married your husband. Hindi mo sya pinakasalan para pagdudahan sya, I'm sure. Pinakasalan mo sya dahil mahal mo sya and because iba sya sa ex mo and you trust him enough that he won't hurt you. Pero everytime ikaw mismo ang naghahanap ng ikakastress mo, you won't be able to appreciate the husband that you have now.

If it helps, stay away from stories about failed marriages. It only feeds your negative thoughts eh. I suggest you try posting on "5 things I appreciate about my husband" thread in here (or you can just make your own journal), and make it a daily habit, kasi it kind of forces you to think of the good things that you have in your marriage.

Also, naniniwala din ako sa 'fake it til you make it'. Try waking up one day consciously doing your best to let go of the negative stuff. I emphasize on consciously because you have to know how to control your mind. You might also want to read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne if you have time. Or kahit watch ka lang ng videos about it. Those might help.

[aquacharly]

Focus:  Your husband is not the ex-BF who cheated on you.
Do not project, do not assume.

If you are letting your historical bad experience leak into your relationship now (through nagging, through suspicions):  STOP.   Coz if your husband is committed to you, yes, you will grow old together but you will grow old faster because of your Fears. 

What is The Lesson you learned from that heartbreak dealt you by your ex?
Maybe you need to process it more, so you come out a stronger person.

1 Way to conquer your Fears is to strategize & work on how to advance yourself.  Eat Ambition and sh1t Hard Work each day.  If your bleak projections should come to pass --  Hindi ikaw ang look kawawa, turn desperate, cry cry in a corner, beg & grovel.  Nothing like Financial Independence to get you to pick yourself up & dust yourself off ASAP.   With Financial Independence, L1ntek  lang walang ganti.  Meaning, coz living a Beautiful Life is the Best Revenge, kaya mo yan if he should betray you.

But really, don't attract negativity by giving off negative thoughts.  Live in the moment.  Enjoy what you have now.  Worrying will not prevent nor change what is in the future. 

[quinone]

sis, saw your other posts, mukhang nagno-novena ka naman. isama mo na sa prayers mo because it's hard to talk ourselves out of 'feeling' something like lack of trust.

[beyondmydailydose]

Hi sis. It's true that history can repeat itself.. Naniniwala din ako dyan sis. On the other hand, you need to let go of the past or consider it as experiential learning. You can give that full trust and chance to your husband whom you choose to be with for the rest of your life:)

[iwannabeasupermodel]

You shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if you have these kinds of issues.
I kinda feel bad for your husband.

[glamorosa_09]

It`s inevitable that your past issue will carry over your present issue. Some of our present attitudes nga eh, we can trace from our childhood experiences. So normal ka naman given your painful past experience. It`s traumatizing naman kasi talaga.

At least you`re aware and doing self-reflection.

Question now is, what safety measures can you do to prevent your fears from happening? Given that it`s not far from reality talaga. You`ve got a taste of reality nga eh compared to people who believe na, ?my husband/wife can never do that to me.? Your experience woke you up, while others are still sleeping.

Accept the reality. 50-50 tayong lahat. The only way to be sure that you won`t be cheated on is when you`re not committed to anyone.

Again the question is, what safety measures can you do?

With your past experience, expectedly, dapat mas naging mapili ka at gumamit ng isip sa pagpili ng lalaki. Kung walang character issues na lalaki naman ang napili mo (eg walang narcissistic/sociopathic tendencies, no chronic cheating issue),  these are what I can suggest:

1. Be clear about boundaries with regards to friendships with opposite sex with your husband. Do some research about it and discuss is with him. Some affairs develop from innocent friendships.
2. Attend marriage seminars together if you can. You can strengthen your marriage and learn a lot from it.
3. Study and learn how to be the best wife to your husband.
4. At kung paranoid ka talaga, be financially independent, if worst comes to worst, ready ka.
5. Pray for your husband, pray for your marriage.

Ganun lang... That`s life. We`re all wounded. Sometimes 100% healing of old wound does not happen. So, it`s just a matter of carrying our wound in the best way that we can, without harming ourselves and our relationships.
 
Good luck!

[mimiku]

Thank you for your replies. I have already seeked professional help. I have a generalized anxiety disorder. You see guys, my upbringing is far from perfect. My parents kinda screwed me out in a way na magulo talaga ang naging pagsasama ng parents. Hindi naman sila hiwalay pero laging away nang away simula't sapul. I have low tolerance sa paghandle ng stress and worries because of that. 

To Iwannabesupermodel- thank you for your opinion. I have struggled high and low sa ugali kong ito. But I assure you, hindi ko ito pinapakita sa husband ko. He doesn't even know that I am depressed at times. Maybe I don't deserve him siguro. Pero I could tell myself despite my inner turmoil, I am the best wife there is in the world. I don't know if you have ever experienced being depressed or anxious for nothing at all (I hope you don't or won't), all those thoughts the keep on repeating inside your head. I tell you it's a struggle even me to tell someone of my troubles and it took me a while to decide whether I would post this on GT (because I worried someone would judge me for creating stupid monsters inside my head).


I will take all your advices (as a matter of fact I agreed to seek consultation) and make sure to think of the brighter side of everything- kahit minsan my chemically abnormal brain couldn't. Hopefully my meds will help me in controlling my worries. Yes, I do novenas frequently.  Again appreciate all your thoughts. Salamat.

[Shadow Angel]

^for me lang sis better to tell your situation to your husband. Don't let him to be the last know. You are partners he deserve to be part of it. So if he will notice something about you he will understand and besides you need emotional support.

[kvandenhaak]

^^I too have anxiety disorder so, I understand palaging kang me worst case scenario in everything. But the worst thing to do is to hide it from your husband. He should be the first to know. Don't try to hide it your condition and whatever you feel.

[Girltalker2]

So TS, it's a clinical condition pala.
How about kids, other people like friends and relatives (ie in laws),  hirap ka rin ba magtrust?

just asking kasi I'm not aware that this exist pala. All along Iniisip ko wives usually get paranoid because of how their hubby treats them. Kasi this should never been an issue noong  bf/gf palang otherwise di naman kayo magpapakasal.

How did you go through courtship, engagement and then getting married with trust issues?

[glamorosa_09]

Ahh... Mahirap nga if you're diagnosed, especially with mood disorders. It can influence how you experience things/situations.

If a situation such as infidelity can negatively impact a non-diagnosed person, how much more a person with a clinical condition such as yours. And then having a history pa of a disrupted family.

At least you're proactive. You're seeking professional help, looking for online support, and keeping up with your spirituality such as novena.

As for your marriage, well yes, as they say share your condition with your husband. And my suggestions above, I think, are still relevant, whether you have GAD or not.