I don’t know how to start with all that I want to tell you because right at this moment, I am still hurting.
I am hurting because yes, I have feelings for you and I know you have feelings for me, too. The first time we spoke, when we introduced ourselves to each other, I never thought all of this would happen. All I knew then was that you have very beautiful eyes, a pointed nose, and perfect lips.
Yes I had a crush on you, but I managed to hide it. I managed to keep it to myself. I never thought that you would be interested in me, too.
We engaged ourselves in long hours of talking when we were at work, continued it through Instagram direct messaging as soon as one of us left. We eventually moved to texting and making calls.
We became comfortable with each other that we just couldn't stop talking till late at night. I thought I found the care and attention from you that I had been craving for for a long time. You suggested meeting outside work for either lunch, dinner, or a movie.
I accepted the invitation because I knew that you’d be fun to be with and I really enjoyed our conversations.
Eventually the friendship became deeper and we started sending sweet messages.
You brought me to romantic places I had never been before. The excitement to meet was always there. Even if we were just walking in the park talking about crazy things on a cold winter night, I felt very happy. I enjoyed every moment with you and you said you, too, enjoyed them. Hence, our after-work meetups became a regular thing.
Days passed and we became closer to each other. You became the highlight of my everyday life. Until one night, when you were sending me home, you said something when I got out of the car.
I was sure with what I heard, I just couldn't believe it. You said "love you" but I didn't know exactly how I would feel about it. You said it as if you were whispering.
As soon as I got home, I asked you about what you said and you answered that it was, "kiss baby." But it was not what I heard and I just let it go and didn’t bother asking you again.
The day after that, I felt something was wrong with you. The messages were still the same but there was something different about you.
Eventually, you opened up about the type of friendship that we have. You said that this it was not right and it was something we couldn't do.
We both knew from the very beginning of this friendship that we should only remain friends–that we should not be more than that because of our current relationship status. But how do we suppress these feelings that we have for each other? How are we supposed to stop this?
We made a decision to call it off, whatever this was. And we did, but it's just so difficult to handle. It's difficult because I miss you every single day. I miss our conversations. I miss our times together. I miss how you held and kissed my hand while driving. I miss you singing in the car and even you cursing in Portuguese language. I miss how you smile and giggle when we kiss.
I miss everything about us. I miss you so much.
Now, we fully stopped messaging and talking to each other. We’re back to being strangers just like before. And it breaks my heart every time I think of you, because honestly, I never thought I would have feelings for you. I never thought you could break my heart like this. I never thought I would cry for you.
But despite all the heartaches that you gave me, I admire you for being brave to say that what we had was not right–that we needed to stop this because we didn’t want to hurt our partners.
Maybe, we are both brave to choose to be the one to get hurt rather than the people whom we are legally with. We tried to keep the friendship minus all the feelings and sweet messages, but it is just so difficult to handle and so we decided to just stay away from each other.
I just want you to know that I am doing my best to move on and to forget you and these feelings. But for now, just let me mourn for all of this.
Let me be sad. Let me cry, because I know after all this heartache that you caused me, I can and will move on from you, maybe someday.
*Minor edits have been made by the Femalenetwork.com editors
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PHOTO: Flickr Creative Commons/Sheng P.; GIFs: Giphy