The “Relationship Score Card” Pattern
This is when you and your partner bring up past mistakes (that were supposedly forgiven and forgotten) during an argument. You keep tabs of each other’s flubs and use them against one another when you have the chance.
Why it’s toxic: Using this whenever you and your partner fight can be tiring emotionally and psychologically. Besides, it doesn't resolve anything. If you really want to get to the bottom of things, focus on the present, not the past.
How to stop it: The first step to kicking this habit is to truly forgive and forget. Learn how to let go–that way, you two can move forward. But if you can't help rehashing old arguments every now and then, ask yourself this: Do you still want to be in your relationship? Petra Boynton M.D., a social psychologist specializing in sex and relationships research, says it's possible that you already know when you’ve reached your limit. When that time comes, it may be time to let go of your relationship for good.
The “Crowd-Source-Cure” Pattern
Instead of discussing your issues with your man, you meet up with your friends to rant and whine about how your relationship is going.
Why it’s toxic: Your friends can be a great shoulder to cry on when it comes to your relationship woes, but according to Andrea Syrtash, relationship coach and author of Cheat on Your Husband With Your Husband, asking for advice from your friends can add a lot to your baggage saying, "you’re polling your friends and you’re not giving your partner a chance to speak."
How to stop it: Syrtash suggests to use your words wisely–use "want" instead of "should" so you two can tackle the issue head. "Discuss both of your wants based on your individual experiences and values," she says.
The “Dropping-of-Hints” Pattern
Instead of directly telling your partner what you really want, you drop hints in hopes that he would figure out what you’re trying to say or what you actually want from him. When you’re upset, you throw mini tantrums so he’ll know that you’re in a foul mood–and he needs to console you.
Why it’s toxic: Aside from the fact that it shows how uncomfortable you are communicating with him, it can be tiresome to be at the receiving end of the rope. When you’re in a committed relationship, you should feel secure about opening up to your partner and he shouldn’t judge you based on what you feel.
How to stop it: Be open and honest to your partner. Stop thinking about the judgments he's “probably” thinking of. Remember, you two are each other’s strengths and you should support each other no matter what. Being honest can make a big difference in your relationship.