My husband and I have been married for eight years now and we haven't been able to have a child. I am 10 years older than him. Recently, we went for another checkup and the doctor said I have another myoma about the size of a three-month old fetus. So, in a nutshell, it would be next to impossible for me to conceive.
During the eight years my husband and I were together, he didn't seem to mind not having a baby. During the times na I was so down about it, he was the one who was strong and who seemed able to accept it already. That all changed recently. He started kidding about having a baby with another woman. Parang baby maker lang.
I thought it was just a joke. It wasn't; serious pala siya about it.
Just this month, he went to a beer house with some friends and he met one of the girls there. May hitsura. Siguro he found her beautiful so now we want her to be our baby maker. He offered her money para pumayag siya. The girl is a bar girl and according to my husband, nagpapa-take out. I asked him why a bar girl, pero, sabi nga niya, mahirap maghanap ng babaeng papayag sa gusto niya. We don't have a lot of money and our resources are limited.
Now, he is constantly in contact with the girl. He messages her on FB, and dumadalaw siya sa bar. According to him, when he goes to that bar, he doesn't even talk to her kasi madalas may ka-table na and wala naman siyang pera to pay for the lady’s drink.
He gave her chocolates once, parang mga two pieces lang ng Cadbury na maliit. He didn't tell me pero I found out and umamin naman siya. Now he tells me whenever he is talking to her, etc. 'Di pa nagbibigay ng straight answer yung babae kung payag siya o hindi. My husband told me he will be taking medical tests pa for her if she agrees. Payment will be after lumabas ang baby.
My husband tells me he is only doing this so we can have a baby. He doesn’t want to adopt (I'm adopted) and mas gusto niya na sa kanya ang bata. Male pride or whatever. He assured me that he will not leave me for her, baby lang talaga habol niya.
I tried to accept his decision.
I even tried to research ways to do self-artificial insemination. Ako na nga may problema sa pag-conceive ng baby, paano ko naman i-de-demand sa kanya na wag na siya mag-anak sa iba. If I do that, isusumbat niya yun sa akin yun every time. Sabi niya, magtiwala lang daw ako sa kanya. Mahirap din for him what he's planning to do kasi he knows it will hurt me sobra. He thinks that, since he's being open to me about everything, it should make it okay and I should be able to accept it.
Wala daw lalaking nangangaliwa ang nagsasabi sa asawa.
Last Friday, he told me may ka-meet siyang friends. I turned on the tracker on his iPhone and he was at the bar. Di ko napigilan sarili ko, I called him and accused him of being there. He got so mad kasi he really felt I didn't trust him. Nag-away kami and he said so many hurtful things.
He eventually broke down crying kasi I hurt him by not trusting him. Sabi niya, in all of the eight years we were together, he never strayed. And this time naman, he's being honest telling me it's only for the baby. First time ko siya nakita umiyak. So now, I don't check his messages anymore. Naisip ko, di naman siya papapigil kahit ano makita ko. Honestly, I'm really, really hurt–especially since he's not that open about using home artificial insemination methods.
He wants to make sure daw that if she gets pregnant, it's his. In others words, sex will definitely be involved. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
Nawalan ako ng lakas, ng sigla. Down na down pakiramdam ko. I cry myself to sleep every night and depressed ako. Di niya maintindihan yun. Nagagalit siya bakit na-de-depress pa din ako kahit na he's being very honest to me about it. Baby lang daw talaga ang habol niya and baby namin yun. Sex might be involved but walang feelings.
Sabi ko sa kanya kahapon, I miss the happy times we had. We were so happy dati. Sabi niya this morning, I want to be happy daw ulit pero I'm the one choosing not to be happy. Lalo lang daw kaming magkakaproblema if di ako umayos.
Should I just ignore what's happening and try to accept it? Wala siyang planong maghiwalay kami o ipagpalit daw ako. Pero I'm pushing him away daw with my depression. Wala na daw akong sigla, kaya lalong bumibigat ang loob niya and ang sitwasyon namin.
Paano ba maging okay? Paano ba tatanggapin na makikipag-sex siya sa iba para lang magka-baby? Babaeng babayaran niya. Sabi niya maraming babae ang kayang tanggapin yun para sa baby. Bakit daw para sa akin, napaka-big deal?
I love my husband and I want us to be happy again. I'm in a dark, dark place right now.
As posted on GIRLTalk
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PHOTO: Flickr Creative Commons/Joshua Ganderson