I didn't know I was pregnant, but I had always wanted a child. I prayed for one. I was given one. I did everything to keep her. I knew my pregnancy was risky. I'm lucky my husband, family, and friends were very supportive all throughout. I was so happy that my pregnancy continued on, until such time that I guess my body could not take it anymore and I had to deliver prematurely.
Hearing that first cry was music to my ears. Despite being anesthetized, I heard my baby and everything was worth it.
They made me see and kiss her, and she was given a good APGAR score. I was asleep for the whole day and wondered why my baby still wasn't with me. They said they were keeping her under observation. I went to see her, the pain from my surgery didn't mean anything to me, I just wanted to see her.
Her lungs were filled with fluid so we had to give her surfactant. Her lungs cleared, only to reveal an enlarged heart, and to top it off, certain ducts didn't close off. Aside from that, I have a condition known as Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APAS), wherein my body thinks my baby is a foreign object, and, therefore, made the veins that supply food to her shut off. Because of this auto-immune disorder, I had to be injected daily with Heparin, an anti-coagulant, so that my maternal blood vessels would continue to give Cataleya her needed nourishment while in utero.
Due to this disorder, my baby was faced with another problem, her blood was clotting. The cells were no longer circulating properly, so blood transfusions were necessary to correct these, so that my daughter could get oxygenated blood through her body. Due to extreme weather conditions two days prior to my emergency delivery, I also suffered from rhinitis and had the common flu.
A baby born to a mother with respiratory problems is greatly at risk to get an infection as well, so my baby had to fight off that infection among all the other things she was facing.
In the short span of time that I was a mother, I realized that you would do everything for your child.
Fear. Desperation. Sorrow. Hope against hope, even if you are hanging by a thread. Given a chance, you will take that chance, however small it is. You will really go out of your mind. Then even if you are willing to give your life, you see your little one struggling. There's a battle between wanting to fight and just letting your little one rest. Despite you wanting to hold on, you will decide on the latter, because seeing her suffer is just too much to bear.
You say, "She's had enough... Let her rest already." A tough call to make but one you have to do because you know what is best for your child.
It's a painful thought that you have to let go of your precious gift, but alongside that is a greater acceptance that she is okay now, rested, at peace, free of pain, and in the hands of the Creator.
Then the questions start to pour in... What went wrong? Why? Was there something different we could have done? What if? To the point of blaming yourself and asking, "Was it my fault?" All the questions you can possibly think of, but can never be answered. It's an endless loop. Then you just have to come to terms with it.
People say that you now have an angel, a beautiful thought, but on the other hand you'd prefer that angel to be down here on Earth. Literally no words can describe the grief, pain, and sorrow you feel when you lose your child, and no amount of words can take that pain away.
Only time can heal all wounds. Only God knows all the reasons we seek to have. There's a reason for everything in this world, I guess it's part of the journey, finding out what that reason is- if you are lucky enough and privileged to find it.
Seeing your newborn in a casket, admiring how she looks, dreaming of what could have been should she have lived is a sight you would never want to ever have even a glimpse of. Then you see all the people who come by to see her, pay their respects, even if they never knew her. You know they shared your excitement, your love, your joy of having a child, and now losing one. To see that she was loved by many, and even prayed for by many, gives solace to your broken heart.
You praise God for you were given the chance to experience this great love even for just a short while, and then tell yourself, next time I'll do better... Next time, I'll be prepared... And will do everything all over again to make things work.
Cataleya, I have loved you from the very start and I will always love you. I will never forget the joy you made me feel and the lessons I have learned along the way. Thank you, my dear precious baby. I take comfort knowing you are with the Lord now, and I know you are now a beautiful angel guiding and watching over me and your daddy, and all those who have loved you, from up above.
I will always hold on to your memory, and I will always love you my darling Cataleya.
I love you.
*Minor edits have been made by the Femalenetwork.com editors.
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