Author Topic: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?  (Read 3118 times)

remilicious

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Hi everyone! This has been bothering me for more than a year now. I have friends and a best friend who have been AWOL in my life for awhile now. Last year I said I'm going to move on and forget about them anymore but lately I've been feeling sensitive about this issue again.

My best friend used to see me a lot when he is in Manila (he is sometimes in the province for a couple of months or living abroad) and even if he's not here, we are constantly in touch whether by Skype, Facebook or Phone.

Starting more than a year ago, after I came home from abroad only for a couple of months of being away, we never met again and I have no idea why. He kept saying he was in his province because of his mom or he is in Manila but busy with work. He used to be in that situation before being in the province sometimes or abroad or he's busy with school/work but we were still talking. So I don't really understand why suddenly everything changed when we never even fought in the first place. Yes he still greets me for b-day or other occasions but that's it. He doesn't even bother messaging me and I'm the one who do it first but it gets tiring. I tell him that I miss him and I feel like he doesn't keep in touch as much but all he says I know I'm a sucky friend but never ask to see me. What hurts the most is he sometimes comments on one of our ex-bestfriend's online account.  He also didn't liked things she did before to him but somehow reconnected once over coffee for a project but not to the point they became close again (or at least that's what I know). He would be tagged on his officemates group photo and they looked super close as in huggingand all that. So yes I feel really hurt and feels replaced.

As for another friend of mine we used to meet a lot and I was her soundboard but since last year I noticed whenever I ask her out she always has reasons such as her bf or her baby which I understand but when I see her going out with other friends during the almost the same period of time, I feel hurt that she said yes to them but not to me. She never apologized even if I tell her that it's not okay. She has the tendency to contact me whenever she needs to vent out about her bf or generally needs something. Lately when one of our friends came home from abroad, we invited her out of the fact we've known each other since school days. But I put her at arms length since last year bec I'm tired of trying to work things out and after our meeting with our friend abroad, she sometimes ask me out or messages me but I don't go out with her as I'm still not ok with her entirely as she never said sorry or admitted. Her excuse is that the dinners she had with other friends were sudden. To think whenever I asked her before it was the same thing or at least a day before. Lately, she messaged me and asked me out so I gave it a try. Let's see if we become good friends again but when I told her she dismissed her and said her beach trip was sudden and sometimes she has other friends too so we don't really need to see each other all the time. But the thing is I don't need to see her all the time. She doesn't get the real issue and don't get that a simple apology would do. She even said let's be mature but that was a bit hurtful because I don't think it's immature to feel disregarded and our friendship not valued. Also that friendships should't be one sided. I have a feeling the bf has a lot to do also as he is very controlling with whatever she does in her life. After our coffee I thought we were somehow going to be fine though not as how we used to be. But when we were chatting about random things, all of a sudden a weird message was sent by her saying "hahaha kulang sa pansin talaga". I know she was with her bf that time as he was here after a trip abroad but was leaving again. The person using her phone or account when I replied "What? Sinong kulang sa pansin? Are you still the one using your phone?" stopped replying. After an hour, she responded saying let's talk in person and he might read our messages. So that somehow confirmed my speculation who sent that message. Her bf never had an argument with me so I don't get why he would send such thing unless he knows her gf is always venting to me about him as she's not happy with him but stays because of the baby. She said she'll call me but never did. I had to remind her but still didn't do so and even sent another message the next day about another thing. I feel disappointed that she never called to explain so that I know what really hapened and feels like she doesn't really care.

Another friend of mine was so closed to me and we were still talking a lot while I lived abroad but after going home, she said she has a problem but never told me what it was though I know she gets sick too often. Only thing she said was she wants to be with her family because of it so we never met up again. I was a bit hurt as she used to tell me everything. After awhile I messaged her but no replies so I stopped and until now nothing from her though sometimes I saw her updating her Facebook.

Are these friends worth fixing our friendships or should I let them go? I'm the type of friend who is loyal and transparent. Maybe I care too much? It gets tiring when it seems like I'm the only one who cares more about our friendships and it's not fair when I'm the one making more effort to meet halfway. Sigh... I do know some friendships don't last forever but I feel bad as I thought they will be there for a long time. I guess not at the situations we are all in right now. Maybe we're growing apart because we're getting older passing the calendar soon? I really don't know. All I know is that I want to feel free from hurt and burden of these problems. I thought I was okay before but now feelings started resurfacing again.  I hope you can give me advices on what to do. Sorry if this is long but I really need to unload as it feels heavy right now. Most of my family and friends told me to let go but it's easier said than done. Are they right? Should I move on and perhaps new friends will come? Thanks!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2015, 10:17:13 pm by remilicious »

reighnyielle

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That's a very long post and yeah I do think you should move on. Don't waste your time thinking about them kasi I feel like they really don't care at all. You know as the saying goes "It takes two to tango" and if you're the only one trying to do something about it then its not your problem anymore. This is not about you, okay? Its about them so please spare yourself from suffering cause you don't deserve to go through that kind of crap 
If you can't accept me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

purple.strawberry

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Hmm medyo familiar, I guess nakaramdam din ako ng ganyan. Ako pa naman yung tipo ng tao na when my friend has a problem I'm willing to go meet the person kahit malayo to comfort them. But I realized eventually na they're not willing to do the same. Mag-aaya ka lumabas, andaming excuses like nagtitipid daw but then makikita mo sa fb nakakagala naman with other people. I guess it means lang you're not in their priority list. Tama ka sis a friendship shouldn't be one sided. So ayun I keep them in my circle pero kumbaga I set my boundaries na. Mahirap na bigay ka ng bigay and you're always available but they're not willing to give the time of the day to you. Meron ka pang ibang makikilalang kaibigan naman.

Re: long time with no communication, sis for me true friends survive long absences. Siguro as a friend din mas okay na lumawak ang pang-unawa and understand that people have bigger priorities in life especially if meron ng sariling family.

Siguro what you can do is meet more people and lawakan yung horizon mo so you don't depend on the same people lang. Also make yourself busy basta do things na will help you not be disappointed if merong meetups or whatever na hindi natutuloy. Kumbaga as a friend hindi ka clingy. You enjoy being with them pero okay lang din na hindi.

aquacharly

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True Friendship is not Bondage.
That is, do not expect to have true friends' company all/most of the time. As PURPLE STRAWBERRY said:  True Friendship is not damaged by long absences.

Instead of clinging on to past interaction, focus on making more friends. As we move through phases of life, we need to make room for other relationships that are useful to our current lives. 

True Friendship understands that it is a give-and-take relationship; sometimes, one takes more than gives -- or the other way around -- and that's okay, True Friendship understands. 

megamabushii

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To be honest, they're not your true friends. True friends will do their best to find time and work on their schedule.

j.adore

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Have you gone through meditation or some sort of internalization? Kasi these are several friends who stopped being close to you maybe there's some point for improvement.

BTW, how are you when you're with them? What do you guys do? What do you talk about?

Same question sa online or mobile discussions -- what do you talk about?

The common denominator kasi is you so maybe there's a need to look inward as well.

ilovejdy

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I agree. Nadisappoint ka kasi you expected eh. Ganyan din ako. I will make an effort to my closest friends and i kinda expect the same from them. Pero lately 1 friend no longer makes the same effort. Minsan napapahiya pa ako kapag niyayaya siya.

During her trouble days, I was there for her to push her mag apply sa work. to accomodate her kapag mag-isa siya dahil depress siya at magisa lang kasi siya sa house (parents abroad, siblings province). But when the table is turned, wala ako nakita effort sa kanya kahit simpleng encouragement wala.

Everytime na yayayain mo dami din dahilan. For me, okay lang naman na kahit hindi siya sumama kapag lakad namin eh galagala lang. Pero what I don't get is kapag birthday or other special occasions na ininvite siya weeks before biglang hindi pupunta at magdadahilan ng mababaw, then the next day dami nakatag na gumala siya. Parang iba na diba? I let that pass kasi ako pa magmumukhang clingy at immature.

What really pissed me off, wedding nung isang close friend namin. She needed help talaga since madalian kasal. I asked her to come with since abay kami (weeks before pa sinabihan ko na). wala pasok at malapit lang venue. Pero dahilan niya bakit hindi siya pumunta, nagpapalaba siya ng damit. Hindi niya maiwanan kasi binabantayan niya naglalaba? How absurd!

My point is
1. you were notified weeks before
kung hindi pupunta pwede naman magsabi before the day of the wedding
2. nagpapalaba ka. it only takes maximum of 4 hours, the wedding is held in the afternoon pa
3. her sister was just a text away at pwede naman siya magbantay sa naglalaba
4. of all days, that day ka pa nagpalaba eh alam mong may lakad ka

in short hindi talaga interesado.
She knows I am disappointed with her. But we are still friends. Ako padin todo effort to talk & meet with her. At wala naman nagbago, palagi padin ako napapahiya. minsan andun na ako sa area, biglang no text no reply.
Nakakasawa din. So hinayaan ko na and i focus more sa family ko.

itinuring ko silang family but I guess friend lang turing niya sakin.

quinone

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kaya minsan mas okay maging close sa siblings/family kesa sa friends, kasi madalas magkalapit lang ang bahay, mas madali maglakwacha together.

kapag nagkaka-edad pansin ko ganyan tlaga e. kasi sa mga friends ko ganyan rin. yayayain mo, mag-yes sayo pero di sisipot o kaya gusto doon sa lugar na malapit sa kanila. o kaya kapag birthday ng anak nagi-invite pero sa lakad ninyo ayaw pumunta. just accept them as they are and enjoy the company when you can. iba talaga yung 'closeness' between or among friends when you are in school compared sa mga naging busy na sa tunay na buhay.

ako ang hesitation ko minsan when eating out or traveling with friends is yung expenses, kasi sobrang kuripot minsan hindi na practical, tumatanggi ako sumama kapag ganyan.

so should you forget about them? no, keep in touch pero huwag ipilit. kahit hindi kayo maging 'bestfriends' ulit okay lang, keep them as good friends. huwag ka lang pagamit kasi yung iba nagiging ganun ang klase ng friendship, nagiging sounding board. just my opinion.

blushberry

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That was a very long post indeed.

Real friends don't really need to talk/ meet/ have dinner all the time.  I have friends from way back, and we used to hang out more often as well, but years after when we have other things going on with our lives, our meet ups became rare to the point na christmas na nga lang. 

Baka you should develop your own meaningful relationship?  When you have a baby, talagang your priorities will change.  I used to have more activities pero I find myself more busy now so talagang i have no time for other people.
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chinbaptista

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It's always depend padin ssis sa situation. Try to talk to her/him baka nag karon lang ng problema

etxetera

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2016, 12:32:26 pm »
Most of people we meet have expiration in our life. Kahit sa online world ganun din akala mo pa-close friendship na kayo tapos biglang bibitiw, lalayas at wala ka na mababalitaan. Ganun din sa real life. Nothing is permanent in this world kaya just live with the present and make more friends. Kung may mag stay for years na 1 and 2 then your lucky if not just continue making new friends and meeting new people pa din. The thing is its hard holding on sa friendship if the other party is no longer interested obviously. Hindi pinagpipilitan ang friendship it will continue if its meant to be. 
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Aftergl0w

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2017, 05:56:47 pm »
I used to have two very close friends. When I was still working, I definitely make an effort to visit them and be there for them during their milestones or hardships even if I was busy. Then came this difficult crisis in my life. I had to quit work and everything changed. The sad part is, the friends I expected to be there for me were not. Not even an effort to visit me. They said they miss me on our online conversations, but it is very easy typing words on messenger, isn't it?

I don't have a lot of friends so it hurts to be disconnected from those who I thought were real. But what good is a friend if they're not there during your darkest times? So I said to myself, I'll move on.. focus on God, my family, and my dreams.

amethyst028

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2017, 08:33:32 am »
@TS the common denominator there is you. hindi kaya there's something about you that's why they are avoiding you?

usually yung mga friends na ayoko makita are the downer types. yung mga puro na lang negative ang sinasabi or puro na lang reklamo.

but if you think you're not the problem then maybe they are at a different time in their lives. i have friendships that has span for more than 20 years, high school and college barkadas that i still am close to until this day.

nung mas younger pa kame super close kame ng college friends ko kahit nag work na we still see each other halos every weekend. chika sa phone, text etc. then they got married had babies etc. may time na in 1year once or twice lang kame nagkita. sa high school friends naman may 5years na hindi kame nagkita or nag usap. but whenever we see each other the friendship and the love is still there. we always pickup where we left off.

don't feel bad or don't cut them off completely. maybe to them they are just living their lives minding their own business pero ikaw you're putting a different meaning to it. if you feel that you are losing your friends then try to make a new one. i know it's not easy pero rather than cling to them or feel bad if they can't hang out with you find a group who shares your interest and spend your free time with them,


brandi

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2017, 11:36:20 am »
It happened to me a lot of times already. Meron pa diyan, maaalala ka lang pag mangungutang, my ibebenta, networking, or ano pang favors. Kaya tuloy pag ramdom message, ayoko man pangunahan at iassume pero andoon yung thought na, ano kaya kailangan nito?

I have a lot of acquaintances. I have 1k+ facebook friends and those are all acquaintances and relatives. There are only 2 people whom I consider friends. And they are even gays. I have these 'friends' in work that made me realize and question myself if they are really friends because at times, I'd feel that they are just being friendly for their own favors and beneifts. The closest that I have from them even tried to do something behind my back that made me even question myself, can I really consider someone a friend when he/she did something in favor of themselves when it comes to work. I felt being backstabbed even if that person said that it wasn't his/her intention. When I get disappointed, I can't help but withdraw slowly from that person/situation. Yes there is a thing called moving on, but trust for me is very important.

wandergirl1980

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2017, 07:42:27 pm »
Hi TS! Like you, I consider myself a loyal friend. But the older I get (though 37 pa lang naman ako), na-re-realize ko na friendship is not about every day communication or seeing each other every weekend. Ang importante may effort on both sides to keep the friendship alive.

I've a several close friends from college na parang acquaintance na lang ang tingin ko ngayon. Nung una nalungkot ako kasi years din ang tinagal ng friendship, tapos we end up talking to each other only when we need a soundingboard hanggang sa ang naging topic na lang is about achievements na parang nagyayabangan na lang. There were times na sinipagan ko pa rin to keep the friendship. Pero nakakapagod naman talaga kung ikaw na lang nag ikaw ang nag-iinitiate ng contact tapos pag nakapag establish na ng conversation about achievements pa...kaumay hahaha. Then I felt I can't connect and relate anymore to the few na nakakausap ko. The others have totally forgotten na din to keep the lines of communication open.

Oh well, that's life. Now OK naman ako kahit ang barkada ko na lang eh siblings ko. I work from home so close na close kami ng anak ko at asawa ko who also works from home hahaha.

khaleesiCersei

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #15 on: February 03, 2017, 01:38:41 am »
kamusta ka na TS? ok na ba kayo ng friends mo? Based sa post mo sis na medyo mahaba hehe, parang yung mga friends mo ang lumalayo sayo? have you ever stopped to think that maybe there's something you need to work on within yourself?  minsan kasi kelangan din natin mag reflect kung ano ba meron satin na hindi nagugustuhan ng iba. tapos baguhin ang ugali na yun.
tsaka minsan kasi if we are not fun to be around, talagang mauumay ang mga tao satin. so maybe loosen up a bit? yung tipong pag nag message ka tapos no reply sa yo kebs lang. shrug it off and don't stress yourself about it or pag nagyaya ka lumabas tapos tinurn down ka, ok lang din, just find someone else to go out with or have yourself one of those me time. Hindi kelangan ng friends mo na lagi mag reply sayo  or sumama sayo same as hindi mo rin naman kelangan lagi mag reply sa kanila or ayain sila lumabas. magmumukha ka lang demanding or too clingy.

  Tsaka Ang friendship kasi nagbabago din talaga through time kasi nagkakaron ng mga changes sa buhay na hindi maiiwasan. nag iiba ang mga interest at pananaw sa buhay, isama mo na ang  career path, nagkakaron ng kanya kanyang buhay, nakakapamilya etc.  People grow, sometimes friends do grow apart which is sad pero that's life.

for me friendship doesn't mean na kelangan lagi kayo magkita or mag usap. It's a connection/bond kasi na hindi nabubura ng absence. yung tipong kahit ilang taon kayo hindi nag usap or nagkita pero once na magkita kayo parang walang nagbago. alam mo yun? Meron akong isang bff, makikita at makakausap ko lang yan pag walang jowa at kelangan mag vent out pero once na may jowa na naman siya disappearing act na naman yan haha. nung younger years namin ilang beses na kami nag away because of that  pero siguro as we get older, natutunan ko na to be accepting and just let her be. so awa ng dyos mag bffs pa rin kami lol! pag nag message nga yan bigla ah alam ko na single na naman to haha kaya aasarin ko siya sasabihin ko ano? wala ka na naman jowa kaya naalala mo ko?lol! yung mga high school friends ko very rare ko din makita at makausap pero we are still very much close and warm to each other pag nagkita kami. Pati college friends ko ganon din at yung mga naging friends ko from work, nagkaron na kami ng kanya kanyang buhay, hindi na din kami madalas magkita tulad dati pero we still plan kahit once a year to go out or even have out of town trips.

so siguro allow yourself and your friends to grow and allow change to happen. Learn to be accepting and iwasan maging demanding. Kung talagang you are meant to be in each other's lives, secured yang friendship nyo kahit anong mangyari at kahit matagal kayong hindi magkita.

baliwsayo

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Feeling ko (feeling ko lang naman), since I have a friend similar like you, yun madaming issues na dapat ganito ganyan.. pag busy ka kasi, nakakairita ang ganun.. ang bigat kasama. True friends kasi dapat chill lang. Walang demands and all pero sure ka nandyan pag kailangan mo ng kaibigan.

Try mo ang ganun. Maging chill lang. Para di ka nababawasan ng friends. Sooner you'll find out sino talaga ang true friends mo at hindi. Weed out lang and make new ones. Don't make it an issue anymore.
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Sis, I was in the same situation before.  Parang I try to be the bestest "friend" one could ever have.  In this case, my expectations exceeded.  Kung ako nag eeffort, sila rin dapat.  Until sa umikot sa "pleasing" my friends kasi i am real (pag bata ka, nakakaguilty yung mga post sa facebook about "real friends is like this.. like that").

Time passed by, I went to work abroad.  Then narealize ko while living here how to be independent.  I learned to eat lunch as well as watch movies on my own.

These friends still continue to greet me in facebook, kwentuhan, etc but I come to realize when I go home to Manila, i'd rather spend quiet time with family and very, very close friends who live nearby.   I still talk to them via chat pero its not as "lalim" as we have and it is okay. 

I guess as you grow older, you will come to realize your true priorities in life and di na yung "Real friends" na yan.  I still have very very close friends and if di sila available to meet me, I am very much okay.  I have my own priorities and they have theirs.  At the end of the day, family pa rin natin ang tatanggap sa atin at maginging comfortable tayo. 

Having friends who you consider as family is NOT mandatory at all pero very lucky nalang to have.

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Truth is people grow up. Sometimes we grow apart. Just move on and make new friends.

I have a friend that I thought was really my friend. When I started avoiding her, I realized that I hated the time when we were still friends. We really don't have anything in common and I didn't grow as a person being with her. She became a burden. Parang me anak kang palaging ina-assist dahil puro kapalpakan. Tapos hindi nakikinig sa mga payo at suggestions ko. I realized na during that time pala, may mga times na tine-text ko pero ilang araw bago sumagot. Reason nya, nakalimutan daw nya. Pero pag me problema sya, nakaka-text at nakakatawag sa lahat ng posibleng pwede akong mahanap. Magti-text tapos pag di ko agad nasagot, nakakapag-Viber tapos tatawag sa Facebook messenger. Sabi ko, me cellphone at landline ako sa bahay. Wag mong tawagan sa lahat ng account ko kasi pag di ako available, it means I am not available. Stressful masyado maging kaibigan sya so my therapist told me to move away from people that give me stress.  I made new friends and to be honest, mas masaya ako sa mga bago kong friends. She's been wanting us to go out pero sabi ko busy ako.

Rant lang...lol!
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Ma.Jewel_1987

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I'm so guilty lol, ako yung ganitong friend na biglang nawawala at hindi nagpaparamdam ng months or even years. I always say na busy lang ako haha. Usually naman ngyayari lang yung ganitong eksena pag ldr kayo lalo pag abroad. As for me masyado akong tamad magchat sa fb at lalo naman magvideo call. I'd rather sleep or read, I soo love to read. Kahit nararamdaman kong naiinis na sakin si friend deadma lang ako haha. Don't get me wrong I love these people, siguro hindi lang nagwowork sakin yung ldr na friendship and I try to be as "visible" as possible if may problema lang si friend. Also I make sure na makakabawi ako pag magkasama kami.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2017, 03:27:00 am by Ma.Jewel_1987 »
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airish_2

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Re: Should I forget about friends who forget about me or suddenly disappears?
« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2019, 02:48:42 pm »
Yung friend ko nung highschool biglang nagparamdam   :)  nung collee may communication pa kami tapos biglang nawala. Natuwa naman ako dahil nagreach out siya naguguilty tuloy ako kasi sobrang asar ko ng mawala siya then iba na set of friends niya.
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