On blended families

[jogdlmac]

Hi everyone! I just want to know your insights about my situation and hopefully learn a thing or two from each other.

I have a daughter from my previous relationship; she?s 16 now. While my husband has 3 daughters (16, 14, 13) from his previous marriage as well. We became a couple for 5 years before we decided to get married just last year.

We are living overseas with his daughters, they came here 3 years ago and my relationship with them is great; we became very close to each other since they don?t have their biological mom anymore and I?m the only mom figure in their lives. On the other hand, my daughter just moved here last year from London. My relationship with my daughter is not so bad either, even though she grew up with her dad, we (my husband and I) would visit her every month or spend whole summer with us.

My problem now is my husband, I don?t think we?re on the same page when it comes to my daughter. He knew from the very start that I have a daughter sa pagka-dalaga and it never was an issue for us, until now. For example, in school, the 3 girls introduced my daughter as my youngest sister lang, and I was surprised when I learned na yun daw sinabi ng daddy nila sa kanila. I talked about it with my husband and the 3 girls and he admitted it naman, sabi niya lang para hindi confusing in school. I feel bad for my daughter and I know I should be the one protecting her but feel ko naiipit ako between her and my husband. In 3 months time, we?ll have 2 additions in our family since I?m currently pregnant and I hope by that time ma-settle na namin yung differences and start as one family.

Am I asking for too much? Ako ba yung problema? Was I wrong nung dinala ko dito yung daughter ko to be with us? I don?t know anymore. Please enlighten me, sisses. Much appreciated.

[mysterioza_me]

Hindi ka mali na pinasunod mo ang daughter mo kung nasaan ka man. Need niya ng nanay lalo na nagdadalaga siya. Ang mali, yung napili mo na maging asawa. Hindi pala niya tanggap buong pagkatao mo despite the fact na siya tanggap mo pati excess baggage niya at di lang isa kundi 3 pa - ang selfish niya. Hindi lang kayo ang blended family sa earth so paanong maguguluhan ang school dun. Obviously, kinahihiya niya ang past mo.

[airish_2]

Why? Hindi na siya nahirapan sana kung sinabi niya agad na daughter mo yun, kung ako yung daughter mo feeling ko saling pusa ako and NO hindi mali na pinasunod mo siya.

[mysterioza_me]

^true lalo na kapag dumating na ang new baby, baka lalong ma-feel ni daughter na hindi siya member ng ?family?

[TomHansen]

Wtf na dahilan yan, "para hindi confusing sa school."? hindi ba siya kinilabutan nang sinabi niya yun? At pati 3 daughters niya tinuruan pa niyang magsinungaling. Magpakatatag ka sa husband mo, hindi yan favor na kailangan mong hingiin kung hindi right ng anak mo na kailangan mong ipaglaban. She's still adjusting sa bago niyang environment kaya dapat pagdating sa bahay wala na siyang ganyang issues, iparamdam mo lang palagi sa anak mo na accepted siya diyan sa family. I'm sure marerealized din ni hubby mo yang stupidity niya pagtagal.

[Kiara027]

I'm sure marerealized din ni hubby mo yang stupidity niya pagtagal.

Agree. Stupidity tawag dun and pagka selfish. Sya nga 3 baggage tinanggap mo at nagpapaka ina ka sa mga anak nya. Ikaw, 1 lang, ganyan pa trato nya.

Stand up para din sa anak mo. Huwag mo hayaan na ma feel nyang na left out sya. Paunawa mo sa kanya na maging fair din sa anak mo. Iisang pamilya na kayo so dapat maging pantay na lang pagtingin sa lahat at walang "anak nya" at "anak mo".

Ask ko lang, do you have a job?

Kasi kung wala, baka nag uugat yan sa dagdag gastos nya yung anak mo.

Add ko lang:

Sabihan mo kaya yung hubby mo na soli nya sa MOM ng mga anak nya yung 2 sa 3 anak nya para tig isa lang kayo ng anak, anong ma fi feel nya? Kung isang anak lang nya tatanggapin mo kasi 1 lang din naman anak mo. Pumarehas sya kamo kung ganyan inarte nya sa buhay.

[airish_2]

Oo nga siya nga 3 daughter tangap mo yung sayo isa lang ganoon pa pakilala bakit nahihiya siya malaman na parehas kayo na may baggage?

[khaleesiCersei]

Address the issue now and be firm on your stand when it comes to your daughter. Make sure na hindi na mauulit yun at make double sure na hindi madedehado ang anak mo in any way. Kawawa naman siya. Ikaw ang dapat nagproprotect sa kanya.

Pakisabi sa asawa mo 2019 na, wala na siya dapat issue sa past mo at sa anak mo sa iba.

Asawa mo lang yan, hindi ibig sabihin siya ang dapat masunod sa lahat ng bagay lalo na pagdating sa anak mo. Agree sa pagka unfair at selfish niya dahil sya 3 ang excess baggage. 

Set boundaries, and do not expect and impose on each other ng mga responsibilities and obligations nyo sa mga sarili nyong anak

[kvan]

Yeah, reiterate to the dad na ikaw walang problema sa extra baggage nya so wag sya mag-inarte.

Ikaw lang ang masasandalan ng anak mo especially now. She's quite young to defend herself. Be strong.

[glamorosa_09]

My problem now is my husband, I don?t think we?re on the same page when it comes to my daughter.

To be on the same page with your husband is to be able to communicate clearly and assertively with him. But first, you need to know what it is you want for your daughter and what your expectations or hopes are from your family, especially from your husband.

Am I asking for too much? Ako ba yung problema? Was I wrong nung dinala ko dito yung daughter ko to be with us? I don?t know anymore. Please enlighten me, sisses. Much appreciated.

I'm wondering if you have a voice or power in your marriage, regardless if you're a stay at home or full time mom. Kasi kung wala, susunod ka lang sa husband mo para walang gulo. Talagang mahirap to stand up for your daughter. Being voiceless and powerless signify a deeper problem in your marriage or sa personality mo.

If that is not the case, then mas madali to communicate and be assertive, you just need to be clear on what you want and then request it. Kung may problema sa husband mo, siya yung kailangang mag-grow. May kakayahan naman siguro sya mag-ajdust.